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DSS wanting to control everything.

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
DSS is 13 and lives with his mother, spedning a month in the summer and part of every vacation here and formerly every other weekend until we moved and have to change the parenting plan as its too far to come for a weekend. Anyhow he is basically running wild where he is at, watching movies until 2 AM, been smoking pot and cigarettes and had 2 fiines this year for vanadlism, she medicates him for ADHD but he honestly has no signs in the summer when he is with us, and we even went to a specialist who does not think he has it and agreed that he was on inapropriate medication (dexatrim, zoloft and a sleeping pill) and every summer he is off medication (which I know is not good to go off and on). I think he must control the whole situation there and is left alone a lot so can eat when he wants, go out when he wants and do whatever he wants basically. In this State he can choose at 13 and does not want to live with us, he says his Dad is too strict. However when he is here he really seems to improve and is much calmer and less angry than when on his meds, which really seem to cause mood swings. We tried to take him to counselling and she would not co-operate and with-holds access to DH when he tries to do anything. Anyhow he is really doing great for the most part but he wants to control everything what we eat, his sister, me, his dad and the whole household and its really hard to deal with. Just not sure how to deal with it. Its so dis-heartening and we are not sure what to do in the long-term either.
post #2 of 6
I am not either....you can't let him take control in order to get him there so you can fix him becuase of course letting him be in control will not fix him- it will make things worse!

You can't make mom be a better mom.

You really can't do anything. What you can do is talk honestly with him about your concerns, fears and hopes for his future and see if you can get him to choose to take control of his life. You can use logical conseqneses as much as you can to help him see he is already make his life choices and choosing his path and he can like or dislike his choice but it is his deal.

best of luck.
post #3 of 6
document everything. what does your court order say re: visitation, medical information, etc? these things make a difference. if she is neglecting his medical needs (and allowing him to dictate when/if he'll take a prescribed medication or not administering it appropriately) the situation needs to be dealt with. the courts can requre that she provide appropriate supervision and care to him.

you do have options, it just depends on how you want to play it. while you do not want to risk alienating your DSS, you also want to ensure that his needs are being met. you may be able to request a meeting with his treating physician regarding your concerns. the same with his school. the biomom of my DSS was refusing to get him any treatment for his severe depression (he was suicidal at 8!) until the *school* told her (at our request) that it was a good idea. Good luck.
post #4 of 6
Thread Starter 
Thanks, the medical and school decisions are definitely 50:50 (except for emergencies of course where medical treatment is needed immediately). The visitation is quite clear and it even states (and the parent have to attend a parenting class before the divorce to this effect) that one parent cannot be derogratory about the other parent to the children. We don't want him medicated or at least not on this cocktail as he really seems better without it, and is very angry and depressed on the meds. I think it is a good idea to document everything though and I think DH needs to be a little more pro-active. Its tough and usually it takes a few days to settle down then he is fine then he is testing then he is great and then he goes home. He really is a nice kid.
post #5 of 6
My SS is a nice kid underneath it all too. It gets hard sometimes to have to co-parent with someone with completely different values. My suggestion is to have DH request a meeting with the Dr prescribing this medication to discuss his concerns. Write them out along with any questions you guys may have about long term side effects, how long between med evaluations, other considerations to the medication, any alternatives to medication, etc. and take it to the appointment.Good luck.
post #6 of 6
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone. We did have a talk with him yesterday and he really does not like to be on the medication and feels better off it. Anyhow DH did speak to the original clinic but they still prescribed more meds. Its really insane as he just does not have ADHD. We talked to him about why we moved and how hard it can be when parents divorce and you have to move and things, and that we still care about him (and his siblings). I think it helped, but its such a difficult age, and he just has no healthy boundaries or much parenting at all (apparently she has been working nights and so he is alone all the time in the evenings. Its just an on-going issue and whatver DH tries to do to help him is undermined.

Anyhow DH has to work out of town for 2 weeks so then DSS and his brother 16 are coming back for a week or so again, and see how they do together. DSS 16 is great and no problems when he was here earlier in the summer, but he lives with his grand-parents and is doing great there (thats where DSS 13 is supposed to be but they could not 'handle' him).

Anyhow I am trying to think of positive ways to deal with him when he comes back though it might be easier with his brother there, we did do a lot of fun things when he was here which he enjoyed and he does want to come back - just doesn't like our 'rules' which is difficult since he just does not have any where he is at.
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