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I'm quitting potty training

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
I've been a grumpy pregnant mommy who has not been in the best of moods. My dd has shown signs of potty readiness for well over a year. She's always aware BEFORE she goes. She's well aware of how to remove all clothing, diapers, pullups, underwear, etc. She's used the potty whenever she felt like it for a year. She stays dry at night. She stays dry for hours at a time. She's 2 years 9 months.

The thing is - she doesn't care. I tried bribes. I had a sticker chart that she would get a tricycle once it filled up. I had rewards for using the potty. We have potty videos, books, and songs. I told her she would get to ride a pony when she's dry all the time and puts all her pee in the potty. I got mean I threatened to take stuff away when she would go whole days refusing to get up from toys and go to the potty and she peed on everything the house. She just isn't motivated and there's no amount of caring that I can do to motivate her. When she's ready - she knows how to use it. When she wants to do it, she will be done with PL overnight.

She's a very intelligent kid. She started learning to read before she turned 2. She understands the whole process including what mommy and daddy feel about it. She could tell you at length about it all. She's also the kind of kid that really stresses about feeling out of control of things. She doesn't like to be *made* to do much. She'll cooperate with shorter activities, but being put on the potty every 1-2 hours is too much for her. She doesn't want to stop playing to go. Most of the time, I can ask her to do about anything and she'll do it without question. She makes her bed in the morning, puts her dirty dishes on the counter by the sink, puts her laundry in the washing machine, puts trash in the trash can and picks up her toys without complaint. She's not the defiant type. She just doesn't like to be constantly forced to do something all day long that she doesn't want to do.

I'm giving up because forcing her to PL has deteriorated our relationship too much. I started about a month ago but really buckled down over the past week - trying to catch every poo and pee. It drove both of us crazy. I got frustrated and then I got ugly. I don't want to be the mommy who threatens to take away favorite objects. That's just not GD. It's just unkind. DD deserves to be treated with more respect than things deteriorated to.

So I'm back to being the mommy that I feel I should be. I'm forgetting potty training for now. She's been ready for a year from the text-book sense but until she decides she wants to, there's no convincing her.
post #2 of 28
Your dd sounds like my neice. The girl would sit in her own poop for the whole day as opposed to getting on the potty. They did bribes, everything, no poops on the pot. Know what worked-my sister had my nephew in early February. My neice realized that she got lots of attention when she went on the potty, so she did it continually and was trained by March. I think all the gearing up they did for her to be ready for the baby may have sent her a few steps backwards in the potty dept. It's sad that it had to be by her feeling like she wasn't getting the attention she did before (because she was an only), but that's how it worked for them.
post #3 of 28
Thread Starter 
Hmmm... I wish that would work. Dh and I usually go in the bathroom and sing and dance for her when she goes. And she gets *tons* of attention all the time - potty or no. Wish that would work though...
post #4 of 28
I'm sorry it's been though... we're just starting so I'm a bit scared! I think sometimes IMO it's best to just ignore potty training (if you've been trying and trying and it's not sticking) and let them decide. My friend was struggling to get her daughter potty trained and when my friend quit trying her DD decided she was going to go on the potty all the time, and that, really, was that.

Good Luck!
post #5 of 28
Hey, backing off makes sense, OP. Sometimes kids need ownership of the "process." In other words, they won't do it for you. They've got to do it for themselves. But don't give up completely. I mean, don't put her on the pot yourself if she knows how to get there herself. But you can still do what you can to help her find her own reasons to go.

Personally, I found I had to back off myself, because my daughter is similar to your own: she has to have her own internal motivation if she's going to do things. If she starts to sense she's doing something just to please you, she may very well stop doing it, even if it's enjoyable. Still, since dd was sooooo close to being trained, it was hard for me to leave well enough alone for long, LOL! So instead of putting her on the pot every 20-30 minutes or whatever was suggested-- I just played one or two of my four potty training videos for her every...single....day. And that's about the only t.v. she ever got to see for a week or so. Long story short? DD became motivated to imitate one of the girls in the video tape. Thus far, she's imitating these kids religiously, and taking the whole thing very, very seriously. This whole potty thing is no longer something Mommy wants me to do. It's part of DD's mission! LOL! If you help your daughter tap into her own internal motivation, then the potty usage choice will be her own and not yours.

Good luck!

Faith

Somehow,
post #6 of 28
Hey is that my daughter? And she is about a year older than yours...I am pretty durn tired of wiping her poop, I tell her that, and she tells me, any day now mam. yeah. i hope so.
It will happen, but you have big hugs from me, changing diapers and preg, and the thought of another diaper to change is exhausting! Hopefully she will be going in the potty by the time she's as old as mine. (sorry if I depressed you, I wanted to be encouraging.)
post #7 of 28
You sound like a very wise mama. I could have written your post a few years ago including the learn to read part. My dd finally did PT at the ripe old age of 3 years 8 mos, but she did it with minimal effort on my part. It was totally worth the wait. I think she was smart in some ways but not so mature in others. She knew how to hold it and how to pee a little so she could clean it up and pee more and clean it up. It was a game to her. She just didn't understand why she had to pee in the potty. This being my former EC baby who peed on cue at 6 mos old.

With dd2 I swore I would not make much effort to train her and I never did more than the minimal exposure to information and buying a potty seat for when she was ready. She PT in just a few days at 26 mos. Just decided one day to do it.
post #8 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone. I think one thing that got me off was this hair-brained idea to PL while I’m in my first trimester so that it would be a long way before the baby is here and she wouldn’t associate it with that and then regress as often happens with older siblings. I do feel much better about it now.

And last night she decided to sit on her potty when I was in the bathroom. That’s been somewhat normal for a long time now to have her occasionally go on her own, but since we started the mommy-coerced PL – she hasn’t done it voluntarily in a month.

Another thing – last night for the first time in 9 months – she came and slept with me in our bed. She’s been in her own room since the day I decorated it for her and set up her bed (her choice). She snuggled up hard next to me in a very needy way. DH and I were talking about it this morning. He was saying that he thinks the new baby stuff is overwhelming to her but she doesn’t have words to describe so that’s why she’s been acting out more lately and wanting our attention all day long. Potty learning on top of an emotionally stressed toddlerhood is not a good combination. I’m going to just spend a lot of time over the next week ‘filling up her love bank’ as they say. DH and I are going to try to let her get all the focus she needs from us and I may put on the potty videos but that’s it. It’s up to her.
post #9 of 28
I'm really glad to find this post and read everyone's responses. DD is the just about the same age (2 years, 8 months) and we have a new baby arriving in 3months. I've really been hoping that she'll be PT by the time the new one arrives, but we'll see.

She refuses to poop in the potty, although we talk a lot about it. At home, she's in underwear and does pretty well peeing on the potty, although there are days of many accidents and I have to remind her a lot to go. I haven't dared leave the house with her in underwear yet. Hoping that sending her to school (2 days a week, Montessori) this fall in underwear might help. I don't know. It's been getting me down, but it's always good to hear that there are others out there in the same boat and that eventually it WILL happen. Reckon I'm in the "back off" stage ya'll described.

Good luck to all of us!

Kristen
post #10 of 28
I had the same phase where I was too pushy. Then I eased up, but left the potty out(and made it easier to take off her diapers on her own) and dd started going on her own. She actually would wipe too. Now she's not so independant anymore, she has to have mom come in and entertain her again.
post #11 of 28
Thread Starter 
Lol - tonight, now that I'm done with forcing the issue, she started to poop while in the living room. I heard her little "pre-pooping" grunt that she makes and said, "If you're going to poop you can do it in the potty." And figured she wouldn't go, but she did! She ran to the bathroom and got on the potty and pooped! #2 has been the hardest part of PL overall - total resistance - breaking down sobbing whenever she's put on the potty while going or when she starts to go. So, letting up may not have made her PL completely, but she's finding her own motivation now that mommy is backing off.
post #12 of 28
That's great, I'm really happy for you both!
post #13 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by sophmama
Hmmm... I wish that would work. Dh and I usually go in the bathroom and sing and dance for her when she goes. And she gets *tons* of attention all the time - potty or no. Wish that would work though...
I am in the camp that says attention should not be given. All my children potty trained by the time they were walking. All I ever did was gently remind them that people go potty in the toilet. That's it. No attention, no discipline, no punishment, no treats, no rewards.

Just the same as teaching them that people eat at the table, not the floor, not the bed, not the couch, etc.

If they go potty on the floor, I just remind them, "honey, we go potty in the toilet." And then I bring them and show them the toilet and repeat.

I NEVER make them clean up an accident.

Children are human beings, and no human being really wants to 'go' where they eat, play, sleep. Since time began, humans have gone away from their food/sleeping/living area to defecate/urinate.

HTH
post #14 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by sophmama
Lol - tonight, now that I'm done with forcing the issue, she started to poop while in the living room. I heard her little "pre-pooping" grunt that she makes and said, "If you're going to poop you can do it in the potty." And figured she wouldn't go, but she did! She ran to the bathroom and got on the potty and pooped! #2 has been the hardest part of PL overall - total resistance - breaking down sobbing whenever she's put on the potty while going or when she starts to go. So, letting up may not have made her PL completely, but she's finding her own motivation now that mommy is backing off.
Totally missed this post!
post #15 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies

Just the same as teaching them that people eat at the table, not the floor, not the bed, not the couch, etc.
wow i can't imagine this! don't come to our house!
post #16 of 28
We had the some situation, so I just stopped. He didn't mind diapers at all. He'd tell me, "I LIKE diapers," so how could I argue with that. He didn't care about stickers, little toys, prizes, etc. He is now potty learned due to the fact that I started bribing him with candy. Magic chocolate kisses. I thought he was too cool to be bought, but guess I just hadn't found the right currency.

Just wait, it will happen.
post #17 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by sophmama
Lol - tonight, now that I'm done with forcing the issue, she started to poop while in the living room. I heard her little "pre-pooping" grunt that she makes and said, "If you're going to poop you can do it in the potty." And figured she wouldn't go, but she did! She ran to the bathroom and got on the potty and pooped! #2 has been the hardest part of PL overall - total resistance - breaking down sobbing whenever she's put on the potty while going or when she starts to go. So, letting up may not have made her PL completely, but she's finding her own motivation now that mommy is backing off.
Yippeee! I'm so happy for you!
I hope she keeps it up. I know that when I backed off, it took a little while, but my DD has been nicely consistant with telling people she has to go, and then going. If she's naked, she'll go potty even if I'm not in the room. I've got my fingers crossed for you! This whole thing is just sooooo emotional. If you want a laugh, you can read my post in the potty training tribe thread about how I became a PT Whore! LOL!

Faith
post #18 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies
.......I NEVER make them clean up an accident.
HTH
I think there are two ways of thinking on this subject:
I dunno. I've read some people never make their kids clean up accidents. I almost always ask my dd to clean up an accident with me, (except for a poopy one. She would smear it and she might be tempted to use her poop like finger paint! LOL!) I think parents should go with what works for them on having kids clean. My daughter likes to clean. She's obsessed with cleaning herself, cleaning her hands. She has her own broom and dust pan and won't let me sweep without her "help." She isn't crazy about her vacuum cleaner, but soon, I'll get her a child's mop just to see what she does with it. Cleaning things up is not drudgery to her-- it's what the big people do, and she wants to do anything that the big people are doing. On top of that, she has taken some of this on as a normal, ritualistic "responsibility." After she wipes herself, I don't have to tell her to put the tissue in the toilet. After she uses her potty, she fights me to carry her waste to the big toilet, dump it and flush it away. Yesterday, she even tried to clean her potty bowl herself! But I dunno. Maybe once they are 2 1/2 or something, they start to find cleaning drudgery????? I sure hope that's not it. Because I really like that my DD spends time cleaning herself or things every day. It just gives her one more thing to do, other than play with toys. And I also like that cleaning things up is becoming a normal part of her day so early. I think it will be less likely that I'll have to tell her to clean up after herself when she's older, considering it's child's play to her now.

Faith
post #19 of 28
Faith - your DD was born 12/20 and your doing PT? WOW. My DD is around the same age and we haven't even started trying. DD is very interested in *us* going "peepee eentee" (peeing in the toilet ) but has shown no motivation to do so herself. I always tell her she'll be going in the toilet herself soon, but I never have attempted any kind of PT!

OP - sorry for the thread hijack - hope your success with your DD continues!
post #20 of 28
Hey Sophmama! You just totally described my kiddo! LOL I gave up on potty training too. I figure she'll do it when she's ready. She goes on her own now - but still has accidents. I let her decide if she wants diapers or panties. She almost always picks diapers to go out of the house and also when she's had one or two accidents and is overwhelmed at trying to make it to the potty in time at home. She completely gets the idea though - she's just too busy to go to the bathroom most of the time. She's definitely the type of kid that needs something to be her idea before she'll do it.

Good luck to all of us!
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