So angry with dh right now ...

[heathenmom]

Okay, we were TRYING to get pregnant. So now I told dh about the pregnancy yesterday morning and here's the crap he's sprung on me:

1. He was supposed to start welding school in the fall. He has no college or trade school experience thus far, which is why it was so important to both of us (I thought) that he go back to school: so that we could provide better for our family. Well, last night he announces to me that he'll go in 4-5 years, but right now he needs to just get a real job.
2. He knows how much I hated dd's hospital birth. We talked about it in depth before we ever started ttc#2 and I was VERY clear that future babies will be homebirthed. So last night he starts grilling me on those plans and tells me that even though he KNOWS it's "not as dangerous as it appears to be," he still thinks homebirthing is "a bunch of happy hippy bullshit." What makes me even angrier about this is that before dd was born, he was ALL FOR homebirth! DD's hospital birth apparently showed him how "dangerous" birth is. Even after I've explained and explained it, he doesn't get that it was that bad BECAUSE I was in the hospital!!

I don't even know how to be in the same room with him right now. What the heck am I supposed to do? How can one person make such a complete and total reversal on such important issues in 12 hours?

[amj'smommy]

... hope you don't mind me popping in from the March DDC but maybe now that you are actually pregnant he might be freaking out a bit? maybe give him a few days to let it sink in. Don't worry..... you have a whole 7+ months to work on him Oh and : CONGRATULATIONS !!!!

[heathenmom]

Thanks, Sarah ... I'm sure you're right, it was just REALLY frustrating to come home to that yesterday. I know things will work out and I know we have time ... but I reserve the right to freak out too! :

[Millie Ivy]

Aw, I am sorry Elizabeth, that is sucky. If it helps, my dh (while he hasn't actually said anything that makes me want to tear my hair out) has been weird all week, since finding out. We werent TTA so he knew it COULD happen, but reality just bit him is the butt, and he is having a hard time. He has, in like 2 days, stuck extra insulation in the attic above our hot kitchen, and called his insurance guy regarding some insurance stuff. Two things I have been trying to get him to do for months now.

He doesn't really talk to me, short of light, fluffyness and playing with the kids. Whenever we need to talk about something he shuts down a bit. But it's getting better. He was alot more normal last night and certain, ahem, activities: last night seemed to greatly release some tension He does seem excited about the increased drive. Go figure.

But I understand, and I am sorry its rough. Give him a little time and then try to pick the most important thing to you first to talk about. While school may be really important in the long run, it''s also important for him to feel secure in being able to "provide for his family" it sounds like. Maybe that's something that could wait a year?

Homebirth, for me, would be the first issue to tackle. But that is really just me. You figure out what is worth it for you!

[heathenmom]

Funny you should say that RE picking the issue most important. I've been stewing on this all day. When it comes right down to it, he has to decide about school. I can't make him go and wouldn't try, although I have expressed my disappointment in his decision.

Homebirth is THE issue for me. I think I may have the answer, although I'm not terribly happy about it. We have GREAT medical insurance. With DD, we saw midwives/obs and it literally cost us $25 to have her in the hospital. The insurance doesn't cover DEM's, though, so the homebirth will be 100% out of pocket. I'm okay with that. I'm thinking - since it won't cost any more money - about parallel care: seeing an ob AND a homebirth midwife. The ob doesn't have to know about our homebirth plans. I don't like being dishonest, but if it gets me the birth I want I'm willing to do it. I'll run the idea past DH this weekend and see what he thinks.

[Millie Ivy]

My best friend is considering having an "oops" homebirth. This is her fourth child, 3rd natural homebirth. I think she just wants to be at home with anyone messing with her! But she is seeing an insurance covered ob right now for prenatals.

Here's to us with the freaking out dh's!

[koofie]

We are having an unassisted "oops' homebirth. DH says he is nervous, but ok with it. I ahve had him read bits and pieces about why birthing at hom eis better and also I have told him about DD's birth (I didn't know hime then( and how horrible it was to be forced to lay in bed (emergency induction).

I agree with pp, you have 7+ months to convince him. You may want to have him look at info in books or online if he agrees to. GL!

[mother_sunshine]

It sounds like he's freaking out a bit. DH throws me for a loop sometimes too. Give him time, I'm sure he'll come around with more talking and info along the way.

FWIW, I'm planning a HB too. My first was a hospital birth and it was not ideal.

Congrats Mama!

[heathenmom]

Well THAT didn't go well. DH HATED the idea. He said that (a) I was trying to get "something for nothing"; (b) it would be completely dishonest; (c) somehow, the ob WOULD find out that we were planning a hb and would drop us as patients; etc., etc., etc. So, THAT plan is out.

We did have a couple of long talks Friday night & Saturday morning. He said that he didn't remember agreeing to a homebirth, but that he wanted to honor that commitment to me. He just needed more information to feel comfortable with it. So, I ordered Henci Goer's book yesterday. I've read it like 3 times, but HE'S going to take his nose out of the religious texts and history books for a week and read it. It's hard for me to believe that ANYONE could want a hospital birth after reading that book.

I also remembered (DUH!) that a coworker & his wife have had 4 homebirths. I'm not ready for work to know yet, but I've met his wife before away from work so I think I'll call her and (a) see if she can recommend a midwife); and (b) maybe she & her husband would agree to talk with us about their experiences to help reassure dh.

[CarolynnMarilynn]

We have a homebirth binder at my clinic that we lend out to clients. If it would be helpful I would be happy to mail it to you. It has many of the 'important' homebirth studies, including ones published in major journals. PM me if interested and we can exchange info.

[Millie Ivy]

Man, this makes me thankful that my youngest was born at home long before I met dh. He knew from our second date practically what I was about, because I knew already! Geez, I wouldn't want to go through the convincing again
(My ex was way not ok with it the first time, after a holy horrific experience at a hospital, he was cool with the homebirth, in theory. I had, thankfully, left him b4 I birthed Ry)

[didkisa]

Originally Posted by heathenmom

Homebirth is THE issue for me. I think I may have the answer, although I'm not terribly happy about it. We have GREAT medical insurance. With DD, we saw midwives/obs and it literally cost us $25 to have her in the hospital. The insurance doesn't cover DEM's, though, so the homebirth will be 100% out of pocket. I'm okay with that. I'm thinking - since it won't cost any more money - about parallel care: seeing an ob AND a homebirth midwife. The ob doesn't have to know about our homebirth plans. I don't like being dishonest, but if it gets me the birth I want I'm willing to do it. I'll run the idea past DH this weekend and see what he thinks.

Just so you know...if the OB doesn't deliver you, he'll charge a per visit charge, which may cause your insurance company to charge you a per visit copay. I used to work for an OB/GYN and that's what he did. Sometimes it actually cost a patient more than just using him for delivery--especially if he saw them for the whole pregnancy and they came in A LOT.

[mother_sunshine]

Heathenmom, As you know (from the post in I'm Pregnant forum), I'm in the same boat as you. Our insurance covers an OB and hospital birth but not a m/w and homebirth. Luckily (for convincing purposes), we would have to pay a percentage that would equal nearly the same cost as the m/w, so it was easier to convince dh. Also, fwiw, I don't see this as his choice. Even though I care deeply how he feels, I will be the one laboring. My hospital birth w/dd was not good, he knew that, so luckily he is supportive. But who knows if he will freak out later or not. I hope not. I do know that he wants to be sure there is nothing wrong with the babe but the only thing we could do about that is have an amnio (and some other dangerous procedure) at, what, 5 months(?) which would put the baby at risk.....something I'm not willing to do anyway. Plus that would mean abortion at 5 months if something were seriously wrong....something else I am not willing to do. So the only advantage I see in having an OB is for the u/s to determine the baby's gender (which is trivial, I know, but it means a lot to dd and dh so I'm going along with it).

After seeing my OB for my last pregnancy, I learned that there is a lot of stuff that I don't want to go through this time. I think it's the overall attitude towards women and pregnancy. Instead of something to honor, cherish, trust and celebrate, it was more something medical and clinical and something to fear and worry about, and to hand over to the expertise of the doctor. (Please don't take offense anyone, this is just my experience and opinion). I felt pulled in 2 different directions because once I was in it, I couldn't escape it. I hope that made sense...

[didkisa]

I'm with you there, mother sunshine...I agree wholeheartedly!

[heathenmom]

Originally Posted by mother_sunshine

Also, fwiw, I don't see this as his choice. Even though I care deeply how he feels, I will be the one laboring. My hospital birth w/dd was not good, he knew that, so luckily he is supportive. But who knows if he will freak out later or not. I hope not. I do know that he wants to be sure there is nothing wrong with the babe but the only thing we could do about that is have an amnio (and some other dangerous procedure) at, what, 5 months(?) which would put the baby at risk.....something I'm not willing to do anyway. Plus that would mean abortion at 5 months if something were seriously wrong....something else I am not willing to do. So the only advantage I see in having an OB is for the u/s to determine the baby's gender (which is trivial, I know, but it means a lot to dd and dh so I'm going along with it).

After seeing my OB for my last pregnancy, I learned that there is a lot of stuff that I don't want to go through this time. I think it's the overall attitude towards women and pregnancy. Instead of something to honor, cherish, trust and celebrate, it was more something medical and clinical and something to fear and worry about, and to hand over to the expertise of the doctor. (Please don't take offense anyone, this is just my experience and opinion). I felt pulled in 2 different directions because once I was in it, I couldn't escape it. I hope that made sense...

Yeah, that ... to all of it. It's a terrible position to be in and it frustrates me so much! What's even more frustrating is that our state FINALLY passed a law allowing dem's to practice, but they haven't set up the guidelines, etc., yet. I know that if all that were in place, dh would be a lot less leery of using one.

[mother_sunshine]

Can you tell him to read some books on it first and then you'll value his opinion more? It sounds like he's running on ignorant (sorry fears. If he is more educated on the topic then his opinion will carry more weight.

But I don't have to tell you that, obviously, just thinking out loud.

[heathenmom]

Originally Posted by mother_sunshine

Can you tell him to read some books on it first and then you'll value his opinion more?

Yep, already on it! I just told him a few minutes ago that I ordered Henci Goer's book and expected him to read it. He apologized for his initial reaction and said he'd read anything I gave him this time around. So, things are looking up! Thanks so much for all your support, mamas ... I can't tell you how much I needed it this weekend.

[mother_sunshine]

[heathenmom]

Well things are certainly looking up!! He started reading Henci Goer's book last night and this morning was nearly finished with it. He apologized to me over and over for the things that I went through having dd in the hospital and is now FULLY on board with the homebirth.

He does really want to find out the sex of the baby, though, so we're going to revisit parallel care (possibly with the birthing center ... I'm going to call my insurance company today) at least through the 20 week u/s.

Colleen, I'm curious about something. What does the ob do in the case of moms who really do plan to birth in the hospital, but don't make it in time? Also, what if, after 20 weeks or so, we simply tell them we're transferring care to someone else? Can/will they go back and charge us for that? I mean, don't women transfer care all the time? It doesn't seem like a big deal!

[mother_sunshine]

That's great! And all it took was a little reading.

fwiw, I just called my primary care physician this morning. He wasn't in yet so I'm waiting for a call back but the nurse sounded like it would be no problem at all. I told her exactly what I needed (just the necessary ongoing bloodwork and u/s) and that I was going through a m/w so my insurance wouldn't cover it otherwise. She was totally understanding. So I hope this works out! :

My only other choice was to drive an hour away to a womens center that is supposed to be more midwife-friendly but I would still need to go through them for complete prenatal care for insurance to cover it, then I'd have to drop them before the birth. NOT the stress I need.

Good luck to you mama!