12 Year old Nose piercing...

[sklsnyder]

My husbands ex wife took their 2 kids to the beach this past week, One is a 12 year old girl, the other a 5 year old boy. Tasha calls my husbands mom and told her that her mom let her get her nose pierced. ALSO, She (the mom) made Tasha get hers done first and tell her if it hurt, then she and her friend got theirs done.

I have two questions...

One - Could this be considered Child Neglect?? I mean it's just stupid from my point of view. She used her daughter as a guinea pig and a 12 year old does NOT need her NOSE pierced!! She is just not mature enough to take care of something like that and her mom is no more mature than she is, so she wont make her take care of it!

Two - Could she get in trouble for not contacting my husband to make sure it was ok?? They have Joint Custody of the kids, and it is in the divorce papers.

Please let me know your thoughts and opinions.

Thanks,
Kristen

[Shann]

First of all, if they have joint custody, no, she could not get in trouble for not asking first. Second, no, it is not child neglect. Maybe it is ill-advised, but no, there isn't much you can do about it. My advice...relax. It isn't that serious of a thing.

[mommy68]

I think it's very wrong to allow a child that young to get their nose pierced, but honestly if the child wasn't totally forced to do something they didn't want to do then she did nothing wrong. It's ultimately the parents decision to agree to let a child do something like that. I could never allow my kids to do it though. I dread the day they finally ask to get just their ears pierced

[hottmama]

No, it is not neglect, nor is it illegal.

[UUMom]

I'd have hoped for an info call as the co- parent, although I would not have said no if the child wantes it. Although I would want to go along.

[Kirsten]

I would be beside myself furious, but no, it isn't child neglect or illegal. My daughters aren't allowed to get their ears pierced til they are 12; don't even ask me about any other parts!

[bzymummy_4]

I would be sooooooooo angry!!! We just went through this with our 15 year old. He decided to pierce his lip on his own while we were gone. He was grounded for a week because we told him he was not allowed to pierce ANYTHING until he was 18 AND out of the house. He did not understand our reasonings, but he understands now that he has to listen to what we say..... We want him to make that decision when he is an adult..... I feel if he were a girl the ears would be a different thing.... Other body parts are different. jmo My personal opinion would be that I certainly would have wanted a phone call about that decision... But I don't think it was illegal what happened..... But if you question it call your attorney.

Shelly

[sklsnyder]

Thanks everyone for your replies.. I didn't figure it would be illegal, but still, non the less, I think it was wrong. We have a 3 month old girl, and there is NO WAY I would let her get her nose pierced at 12, or probably even 16, shoot, If I had it my way, she never would! lol.

But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?

Kristen

[Mamato2and2]

Personally I wouldn't make her take it out at my house. What's done is done. If you are worried about your 3 month old...she won't even notice it and by the time she does the 12 year old will be alot older as well. It seems that if you just talked to her about it and told her that you don't really think it is appropriate that it would be alot better than punishing her for it. Her mom WAS with her and allowed her to do it....my 13 year old knows she is not allowed to do that sort of stuff but if her dad was with her and gave her permission it seems that it would be something that I needed to take up with him not with the child-you know? Good luck-I know this age is a tough one. I am trying to find the balance myself.

[terrordactyl]

i don't think making her take it out is a good idea than she would start to maybe think of it as a parent fight. (if that makes any sense) i got my belly button pierced when i was 13 and it didn't do any damage to me it is her body and it was a choice she made.

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by sklsnyder

But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?

Kristen

Firstly, depending on how long and how frequently she is at your house, making her take it out could cause it to close up. Also, frequently removing her piercing while it's in its initial healing phase is almost a guaranteed way to cause problems with the piercing itself - infection, keloid, etc. Hopefully, her piercer was a pro, and gave her a care sheet to follow for her nostril piercing, which (also hopefully) included, in big bold text, the words DON'T TOUCH IT!

Secondly, while I think the mother sounds pretty immature for "making her do it first to see if it hurt," I think making your stepdaughter take out her nostril piercing while at your house would be unfair, unnecessary, and could cause issues in your relationship with her. If your reasoning is that you don't want your young child to see a nostril piercing (why exactly? I have a nostril piercing and am about as harmless as they come), like a previous poster said - what's done is done. She is only 12, but she does have the right to assert her individuality. I'm afraid I just don't see how having a pierced nostril - or being in the presence of one - is detrimental to either child.

I would also gently suggest that using language like "that sort of influence" when referring to your stepdaughter is probably not going to make for a close and happy relationship down the road. Just a thought.

[blessedwithboys]

Originally Posted by MamaWindmill

I would also gently suggest that using language like "that sort of influence" when referring to your stepdaughter is probably not going to make for a close and happy relationship down the road. Just a thought.

[ajsgirl]

JMO, but I think making a big deal out of it in front of her will probably make her want to get more piercings. I have a friend who did it in high school and it was gone by college... the hole closed up too. I have seen some very tasteful nose piercings, barely noticable. My MIL has one, but she's from India where it's almost as common as ears. Would it help to think of it that way? I wouldn't think of her as a bad influence just because of a nose piercing. There's a great article in Mothering this issue about a mother who takes her 13 yo daughter to get her belly button pierced. It was very interesting.

[BethSLP]

I'd be angry as her father, but there's nothing that can be done.

I'd ignore it and not make a big deal. The mom is probably looking to stir the pot a bit, and I'd just blow it off.

I'd be careful about how much you communicate to your 12 yr old about how yiou don't like it. Things can feel very personal at that age. I remember getting a haircut or a perm and any criticism felt like a big rejection.

XOXO
B

[PikkuMyy]

I do think it was wrong of her not to ask your DH about it.

However, it's done. As PP said, it's a very bad idea to have her take it out. Infections and scars and it closing up are all realities. It will also make things bad between the two of you.

I also take issue with your idea that your 3 yo is going to notice or care or want one because of it. Or that there's something wrong with having a nose piercing. Having that idea of it, or your SD is going to make your relationship much harder as she gets to be an older teen.

It's really not that big of a deal.

[frontierpsych]

i don't think it's a huge deal, but I do think the mom sounds awfully immature for making the daughter go first. If it were me, I'd go first to comfort my daughter, not the other way around. As for age and being mature enough to take care of it, I think most 12 year olds are mature enough to take care of something when it's on their face! it's not like she's going to forget about it.

[arlecchina]

I would be angry - it seems inappropriate - but what's done is done.

[UptownZoo]

Originally Posted by sklsnyder

But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?

No, absolutely do not take it out! You don't want to set yourself up to become the wicked stepmother! (and I speak as one who knows; my SS and I learned the hard way) If you and your DH decide that you need to take it out (I still think that's a bad idea), your DH has to be the one to do it.

IME, when you have kids that are far apart in age, the older kids are gonna have an influence on the younger ones, and it won't always be good. Kids with much older siblings are not as sweet and innocent as the first kids were. I hate that as much as anyone, but there's no getting around it. This is true when the siblings are full sibs, half sibs, or step sibs.

Come join us at the stepfamily board!

[EStraiton]

What a stupid thing to do.
Sorry. I have a 12 y/o and there would be no way... ugh

But... I would try to stay out of it if I were you. It would kill me, but I'd bite my tounge.

If I was your DH, well.. that's an entirely different story.

xoxo
Eileen

[wende]

Wow, I don't even know what to say. I mean, I took my dd to get her cartilage pierced when she was 13. I did discuss it with her dad before buying the gift certificate, though we are of the opinion that what is done at each parents own home is our own business as long as it's not harmful and I hardly think a piercing is harmful. I did it because it was the right thing to do and I'm sorry that your step-daughters mom didn't feel the same way.

But this:

Originally Posted by sklsnyder
But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?

What kind of influence are you trying to sheild her from??? A piercing?? Really? Are there not bigger fish to fry? My dd is an honor student. She's extremely responsible, extremely loving, and an influence that I'd hope that everyone would have in their life. I'd never, ever hesitate to let her look after her younger siblings or to shed her experience and influence on them. Having a piercing does not change the person that she is. I don't see how forcing her to remove the piercing (which could lead to problems both with your relationship with her and with the piercing itself) is going to change the type of influence that she has on your daughter.

My 11yo dd asked me today if she could get a piercing for her 12th birthday in January. I told her that I'd think about it. The only thing keeping me from saying yes is that she's a competitive gymnast and I don't know if she'll be allowed to wear it when she competes so it would make more sense to wait until the season's over so she'll have time to nurture it while it heals.