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12 Year old Nose piercing... - Page 2

post #21 of 33
I don't see why piercing an ear is acceptable and a nose isn't. If my kid comes home with a nose piercing, that's totally fine with me, I don't think it particularly denotes a rebellious streak or anything of the sort. It's just a hole, eventually it will grow over if she wants it to. I see it as no big deal. I mean she didn't even do it behind her parent's back, her mother was with her and had to sign consent forms I'm sure. I'd let her keep it. kids in other parts of the world have them pierced much younger and have no problems keeping it clean and all that.

The way her mom acted is a totally seperate issue. It's not the daughters concern or responsability, so you should be pissed at the mom if anyone.
post #22 of 33
I do think your sd bio-mom should have discussed it with your husband first. It was 100% wrong for her not to. You shouldn't be mad at your sd but her mom.

Would I have her take it out? NO!! She is 12. When your child becomes "aware" let say at 5-6 your husbands oldest child will be 18.....And a nose ring is the last of issues to battle. Also, you need to set the example of teaching her that you respect her body and choices.

I do not see anything wrong with your dh talking with her and saying that he is disappointed in her bio-mom for not discussing this with him first. And asking her next time she wants to pierce something he would appreciate that he was part of the decision process. Since there seems to be a different standard of car your dh might want to inform/educate his dd on safe piercing and tattooing. I would make piercing safety an issue. Most places around here that do piercing won't do teens/preteens like that and will ask the child if their parents are divorce. They require both parents permission. The quickness of the decission makes me worried about the safeness issue and if your dd sees that being your dh's issue he won't be seen as the bad guy.
post #23 of 33
definitely don't make her take it out. Doing so would make her a pawn in a power struggle between her parents that has nothing to with her. her mother gave her permission. Her mother has a right to make descissions for her. Unless she had specifically asked you and you said no then she didn't do anything wrong. talk to her about why you would have prefered her not to do it. talkto her about proper care. talk to her about not going behind your back. talk to her about running the4se things by you if possible in the furture. but whatever you do don't tell her mother was wrong, her mother had no right etc. her mother indeed had ever right to make this descision and if her mother was wrong to do this without asking (and it would have been better if she asked you first) that should be taken up with her mother. not her. She got permision to get the peircing, what is done and done and it isn't that big of a deal in the long run anyway. I think making a big deal out of it would do more harm than good. I think it is sweet that her and her mom did it together (despite the fact that I probably wouldn't let my 12 year old get her nose peirced) let them have this. leave it alone and appreciate it for the sweet indulgent mother daughter thing it was.

if he feels he must talk to her mom about his desire that she run big descisions by him first and make sure he hasn't already said no.
post #24 of 33
beyond the obvious, taking the piercing out would be TERRIBLE in terms of encouraging infection or keloid scarring from the trauma. it's not safe to remove a healing piercing and then try to shove it back in, which i assume she'd do as soon as she was away from you. it's a sure way to cause more harm than the piercing would in the first place.
post #25 of 33
I think the child's mother had the right to make that choice. She should have talked to the father about it too, but she is still the mom. My 11yo (12 next month) has been talking about getting her nose pierced and I think it's okay...

If I were separated from my dh, I would still feel I had the right to give her permission. If communication wasn't generally good with him, I would tend to not consult more than I really needed to. It wouldn't seem critical enough with this decision.

Also, I think the sd and her mom and friend were just playing around as far as "they made her get it first..."--they were all talking about it, they were all a bit timid/shy to actually do it, so who actually does it first is a bit of a tossed-around question. "Who's bold enough to really do it?" sort of thing.

I think you need to relax about the sd. Maybe try to let her bio parents set what example they can for what teens are like. It seems that you are going to find a LOT of things she does worrisome and irritating because you only have a baby so far and have not been through seeing the child grow into herself and have not gradually learned what to accept and take in stride as a parent gets to do...
post #26 of 33
Thread Starter 
You all are right.. Whats done is done, and there isnt anything I can do about it (although I dont like it). I probably am making a big deal out of it, and it's not my place.

As for her being a bad influence, I just don't want my daughter growing up and thinking that it's ok to do something w/o asking both her dad and I. (not sure if that makes any sense).

I do not think for one second that people with piercings are a bad influence, my best friend has many piercings and I know she isnt harmful!

As for it being a "joke" that the mom made the daughter go first to see if it hurt, I only know of what the daughter said, but I also know how her mother is.

Thanks for everyones opinions,

Kristen
post #27 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sklsnyder
She is just not mature enough to take care of something like that and her mom is no more mature than she is, so she wont make her take care of it!
I just wanted to update, her mother DIDNT make her take care of it, just as I said.. therefore it is now infected, she LET her take her ear rings out and put them in her nose and yet her mother STILL wont making her put any medicine on it and take care of it.

Thats why it shouldn't have happened.
post #28 of 33
BTDT...tho not with a nose ring. I had always {since before the birth of my DD} that even ear piercing had to wait until she was 13...old enough to seriously care for them herself.

However her BF {bio-father} and his wife pierced there DDs ears when she was very little and constantly said my DD should have hers done. She was constantly begging and pleading and giving me the whole "But my sister has her ears pierced" speaach about twice a week just before she turned 7. So I finally gave in {still unhappy butworn out from the all sides nagging between her and her BF} and got her ears pierced for her 7th birthday.

All went well and there were no problems up until 3 weeks later, when her 2 week visitation with her father happened. I specifically told him that they had to be cleaned twice a day still and to be sure she turned them at least that often. Did it happen? Not a chance! The night she came home my SIL took me, her, and DS to dinner. We pulled in the parking lot and she was complaining that her ear hurt. I assumed the earring had gotten a little tight, as that had happened during the 3 weeks prior to her visitation.

I put my fingers behind her ear to loosen it...and pulled them away with very nasty bloody pus on them. It was terrible. I asked her how long they had bothered her and she said it had been a few days. I asked if they had been cleaning and turning them and she said "I forgot!" {Mind you there were TWO adults with clear instructions about how important it was...and neither bothered!}

In the end...I had to be the one to care for the infection...and listen to my DD cry over how she couldn't wear her earrings anymore. She no longer has pierced ears...and will not until she is at least 13. I told her BF about it and he said "Well she was supposed to take care of them...we told her that the first night!" as if that just explained away why he and his wife hadn't noticed for days that they were infected.

So sorry to hear you are all going thru this...and I wish I could say there was something you can legally do about it - but everyone is pretty much right that there is nothing. Hopefully she will treat the infection and they will take better care of it tho.
post #29 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by eowen77
So sorry to hear you are all going thru this...and I wish I could say there was something you can legally do about it - but everyone is pretty much right that there is nothing. Hopefully she will treat the infection and they will take better care of it tho.
It's ok, I understand that there is nothing I can do, but her mother should step up and be a MOTHER, and help her take care of it.. MAKE her take care of it!

And yes, HOPEFULLY she will take care of the infection, and hopefully her mother will learn from this and help her also!

Thanks
post #30 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka
talk to her about not going behind your back. talk to her about running the4se things by you if possible in the furture.


her mother indeed had ever right to make this descision and if her mother was wrong to do this without asking (and it would have been better if she asked you first) that should be taken up with her mother.
These statements are contradictory. You pointed out that she had her MOTHER'S permission, so why should she have felt the need to run it by her stepmother? Why should she be "talked to" about going behind her stepmother's back? When did a stepmother's opinion supercede the right of a natural parent to make a decision for their child?
post #31 of 33
I don't think it's any of your business as the step parent. This is between her and her parents. So her dad can handle it if he thinks he needs to with her mom. And I'm not sure exactly what "influence" you are worried about it, since your baby is 3 months old.
post #32 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by trish6103
These statements are contradictory. You pointed out that she had her MOTHER'S permission, so why should she have felt the need to run it by her stepmother? Why should she be "talked to" about going behind her stepmother's back? When did a stepmother's opinion supercede the right of a natural parent to make a decision for their child?
I was kinda starting from the angle that dad was equally upset about this for al the same reasons. it never occured to me that step mom was anything more than "asking on behalf of dad" kind of thing. but that is probably a pretty big assumption.

So with that in mind, assuming dad is upset, bothered or what have you. . .

HE
Should remind dd not to go behind his back after he has said no and to at least run things past him before doing these things and why he would prefer that because to completely disregard his feelings is taking advantage of the situation. it is simply more respectful to think "gees, i wonder if Dad would be OK with this." Sure she doesn't have to but what if her dad did decide to be a butt about it and make her take it out? he certainly would have every right. but it would have been better for her to get his opinion first to avoid the hassle and expense of a peircing she would only have to take out. she did have her mothers permission and didn't thechnically do anything wrong but I should hope my children would be able to think and act past the minimum in situations like these. however things can be confusing (or it can be hard to resist the temptation to take advantage of these sorts of situations especially if one parent is keen on enabeling the child to do things that they know the other parent wil freak over) and parents should talk to them about what thier expecations are in situations such as these. how else will they know?

and HE should talk to his EX about what sort of things he would prefer she consult him on before making such big descisions. of course she doesn't have to. its her choice but it may have ever crossed her mind that dd father may have a problem with this. which is exactly why it would be big of her to run it past him and get his feelings.
post #33 of 33
The mother should have talked it over with the father first. Made him aware of the situation however it is not ilegal nor is it neglect.
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