PPD, work, stress & meds - WWYD?

[tsfairy]

I've posted before about my PPD and how I feel that work-related stress contributes greatly to my symptoms. I was able to go on short-term disability from my FT WOHM job for a little while, but then they denied my claim because I wasn't willing to medicate at the time. I was feeling pretty much normal when I wasn't working, and I didn't feel that medicating myself *just* so I could go back to work was the answer.

Well I finally had to go back to work, but my boss agreed to let me work PT from home. Now my 24-hr per week PT job has turned into something more like 24/7 and I'm completely cratering. I have been in tears more than not for most of the past week. My anxiety is ridiculously high, and I'm starting to show signs of PPP. I took the online quiz in the sticky, and scored a 98. My boss has indicated that if my performance doesn't improve, they're going to require me to return to the office FT. The thought of this sends me into a full-blown panic attack.

I don't feel like I can just quit because we need the money and my insurance, but I don't know if I want to medicate myself just so I can work. I don't even know for sure if the meds will help, or if quitting my job would help, or anything anymore.

Has anyone else experienced this or something similar, ie a worsening of symptoms brought on by extreme stress, and what did you do? Is medication my only option, or the best option, given my circumstances?

[iatodc]

My ppd is also worse because of work. I feel almost normal at home. I haven't found a great solution but I have to work. PT or WAH is not possible with my job. I find that I am more productive and feel more in control when things are busier. When things are slow I have time to read pages like this and think about the PPD. I also have a policy to try to focus only on what I am doing at that time--work is work and home time is home time. You can only do your best right now. It has taken me a while to figure out that I am not going to be an over achiever everyday. Some days I am just here. I also try to remember that, at least for my job, I am not saving lives so things can wait a day if they don't get done. If your PPD is really bad you should find someone to talk to--medicine or no. If you are not stessed by work, you will find stress in something else.

[LynnS6]

Several thougths:

Stress is a major contributor to PPD, so extreme stress should, by all accounts, make it worse. Being a WAHM mom has got to be the most stressful thing that I know -- you're basically expected to do two jobs simultaneously -- outside work for someone else plus the full time work of caring for children.

If you're showing signs of PPP -- you need to get help NOW! You need to call in 'sick' to work and NOT do any work. You need to call your doctor and at least get a counselor or a therapist. Severe PPD and PPP often do require medication, and it's not something to be taken lightly. Your partner needs to be involved in this and take on a lot of the work at home right now.

I would recommend therapy no matter what you decide for meds because it can help you learn to deal with stress, help you evaluate your options and figure out how to deal with this.

The other question is: How crucial is this job? What would happen to your family if you didn't work? If the answer is "we wouldn't eat and we'd be homeless" then realistically, I'm afraid you're looking at meds. If it's "we'd go into debt and have to live on a shoestring", then is quitting a realistic option? Or looking for a different job, that starts out as part time?

Also, how has the job morphed into 24/7? Does your boss have unrealistic expectations of what you can do with 24 hours in a week? It's fairly common for 'part time' jobs to become FT if you don't have some pretty clear boundaries. What work reduction were you able to negotiate to go from FT to PT? What's changed? Can you 'punch a clock' by writing down everything you do, and how long you work on things? You might be able to present this to your boss and show that you are being productive.

Bottom line:
Get help now!
Re-evaluate (with the help of a counselor/therapist) your stance on meds, your need to work and the things that are causing you some stress.
Get help with stress reduction techniques (counselor/therapist/yoga whatever)
Call your health care provider NOW!

[tsfairy]

Thanks for the responses.

Lynn I want to try to address some of your questions since you have some really good points.

If you're showing signs of PPP -- you need to get help NOW! You need to call in 'sick' to work and NOT do any work. You need to call your doctor and at least get a counselor or a therapist. Severe PPD and PPP often do require medication, and it's not something to be taken lightly. Your partner needs to be involved in this and take on a lot of the work at home right now.

I would recommend therapy no matter what you decide for meds because it can help you learn to deal with stress, help you evaluate your options and figure out how to deal with this.

I basically called in 'sick' today - I did a little bit of work, but I mostly just tried to regroup and spend some happy time with DS. I feel quite a bit rejuvenated after just one relatively stress-free day. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist tomorrow but I'm really torn about going. I saw a horrible woman back in April who basically told me I'm a nut to want to continue to BF DS. And he was only 8mo at the time! I was also seeing a therapist -- though she claimed to want to help me with my issues (possible PTSD stemming from DS' birth, along with the PPD) she only wanted to talk about me going back to work. It was really frustrating.

The other question is: How crucial is this job? What would happen to your family if you didn't work? If the answer is "we wouldn't eat and we'd be homeless" then realistically, I'm afraid you're looking at meds. If it's "we'd go into debt and have to live on a shoestring", then is quitting a realistic option? Or looking for a different job, that starts out as part time?

Putting it this way makes a lot of sense. At this point, we wouldn't be homeless if I quit, but we'd be living on a very tight shoestring. We could eat, but just barely, and we'd lose my insurance. If DH picks up his insurance, we'd be homeless (they want 75% of his take-home pay to cover the three of us!) Yet he makes too much for any state aid. :

Also, how has the job morphed into 24/7? Does your boss have unrealistic expectations of what you can do with 24 hours in a week? It's fairly common for 'part time' jobs to become FT if you don't have some pretty clear boundaries. What work reduction were you able to negotiate to go from FT to PT? What's changed? Can you 'punch a clock' by writing down everything you do, and how long you work on things? You might be able to present this to your boss and show that you are being productive.

I basically only work 30-ish hours per week, but because I'm home alone with DS it takes 12-14 hours to actually work 8 hours. Plus I'm missing deadlines and totally stressing about work when I'm not working, and even though I'm supposed to be off Tues/Thurs, I worked both days last week all day and to 3 am two nights as well (and I usually work evenings both days most weeks as well.) I wake up at night and all I can think about is the work I'm not getting done. I think it mostly stems from unrealistic expectations. The job I'm doing should really be shared by two FT people, instead it's just me. There wasn't any "work reduction" agreed to. I'm responsible for maintaining a couple of critical systems that usually just run themselves but last week one of them went down, hence the crazy hours. I honestly don't know what we all were thinking when I was allowed to work PT, except they were desperate because the person doing my job while I was out on leave quit so there was nobody. Now it's just me and it's really more than I can handle. I interviewed someone last week who I think would be a really good fit and has some knowledge of the systems I manage so maybe (if he's hired - I have some say but it's not my call) once he's up and running my workload will decrease.

I talked to my mom for a long time tonight and she had some ideas for talking to my bosses and setting realistic expectations (she used to work for my company so she has a very good idea of what will and will not fly with them and she knows the stress I'm under since that's the main reason she left.) Plus DH finally gets that I really am in bad shape and has offered to work tons of overtime if I need to quit. The OT won't last forever, but it might get us through for a while. So I have some hope and a little more of a positive outlook tonight than I did this morning.

[Gale Force]

It sounds like it would be tough to quit the job or at least to quit working for a while. I work out of my home as well and know what you mean about juggling a child while working. I would recommend that you either go to the work site part time and find a sitter or daycare for the child OR get an in-home sitter to come play with the baby while you work. The in-home arrangement can be tricky as well if you don't have a private and separate work space. You would need to set up definite expectations with the sitter about your work space and that you need someone to entertain the baby. We had an in-home sitter for a while, 3 hrs/day 3 days/week and it made all the difference. She gave him very good one-on-one time and so he was a little less needy when he got back to me.

[mama2girls]

Originally Posted by tsfairy

Thanks for the responses.

I basically only work 30-ish hours per week, but because I'm home alone with DS it takes 12-14 hours to actually work 8 hours.

You have gotten some great advice - and please seek help, but this concerns me. If you're home alone and trying to work, you're not giving your son or yourself the attention they need. Can you find a sitter to come into your home? A nanny while you work- or take your son to a friend/relative/sitter for a couple of hours a day so that you can work interruped?

It may not be an option, but it may give you enough uninterruped time to get 8 hrs of work done in 4 hours. I'm concerned that you will be spreading youself so thin that the stress will be too much. Keep your options open.

[tsfairy]

Originally Posted by mama2girls

You have gotten some great advice - and please seek help, but this concerns me. If you're home alone and trying to work, you're not giving your son or yourself the attention they need. Can you find a sitter to come into your home? A nanny while you work or take your son to a friend/relative/sitter for a couple of hours a day so that you can work interruped?

It may not be an option, but it may give you enough uninterruped time to get 8 hrs of work done in 4 hours. I'm concerned that you will be spreading youself so thin that the stress will be too much. Keep your options open.

Well usually it goes something like this: open laptop (I work on a laptop so I can be near DS wherever he wants to play), DS stops whatever he's doing and crawls as fast as he can to climb on me and try to play with the laptop, I close the laptop and play with him until he wants to run off on his own and play. Lather, rinse, repeat all day. So I do try to give DS as much of my attention as I can, but I still feel torn up with guilt that he is not getting as much of me as he could. I've tried the nanny route - all the agencies want way more than I can afford, even for part-time, and I have called many many teenagers hoping they'd want summer work, but nobody is interested or they don't call me back, etc. When school starts back up next week I'm heading up to the community college and putting up flyers and will maybe get some bites that way. I don't really have any family available to help with DS - I have one sister who is a SAHM but she's newly pregnant and has HG and can barely handle her DD. She helps me out when she is able to but it's not very often.

The shrink was a total bust. I got a list from my insurance and picked the one that was the closest to me. I still had to drive almost an hour in 100 degree heat in a car with no a/c (when we got there DS was completely soaked in sweat and I wasn't much better) and then after waiting 40 minutes for the office person to get my file setup, they wanted me to pay $150 for an office visit instead of my $40 copay because they don't accept assignment on my insurance. Since I don't have an extra $110 lying around (I really can't even afford $40) I left and cried most of the way home. I'm really frustrated and I just don't want to go through that again so I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.