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Please help...I dont know if i can handle anymore. - Page 2

post #21 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by annarbor931
Hmm. I want to be supportive here, as far as issues of the kids but I really get frustrated when step-parents complain about the CS. The thing about CS is that it goes to a portion of all household expenses, and to specific items for the children. $500/month is not a lot, in my opinion. I don't know your circumstances, but I was a step-mom once too. My XH had another child who he did nto see, but who he paid CS for since birth. I used to resent the monies that he paid to the mom. I used to say the same things. The thing is that I was WRONG. I was uninformed and just plain wrong. The mother may have had her issues, and she may have used the CS monies to get her hair done, etc. But, she was the custodial parent without any help from him. Her standard of living was kept above poverty, because of CS. My XH had a home, car, plenty of food, clothing, etc. His kid was entitled to the same things. Now, I am single parent and doing it all alone too. He hasn't seen DS in 15 months. I feel that whatever monies come into our household, benefit my son. I am sure my XH's new woman complains about the CS too. But, you just don't know until you have been there.
ITA
if she lived alone she could live in a one bedroom not a multiple bedroom house (which costs more) a bigger house takes more money to heat and electric-are you taking this into consideration? so the money is not just for her it is to help pay for the standard of living for all of them.
On raising her-if the mom treats her child more like a friend than a her child, maybe that is what you should do too,just wash your hands of the responsiblitiy of "raising" her. be the friend. you are not her mother, you should not have to worry about raising her. let some of the burden slide off your shoulders. it may take time for the child to adjust to this but I can assure you it will get better. You seem like a caring mother (you are trying to figure out your feelings) and i think you are taking this all too personally. You knew he had children before he met you and he is taking responsiblity for them. I would have no respect for my dh if he didn't. Try to look at it form their point of view.. good luck mama
post #22 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
It was not a far jump, the state decided he was not being a responsible father, hence the back support order. IF he was a responsible father, he would have gone to the state himself, declared his new income and had the support adjusted accordingly.

My husband did not fail to report his new income. His ex-wife beat him to reporting his income by maybe a week, because the court my husband has to go to is in another city, the city his ex lives in.
No, the state didn't decide he was being an irresponsible father. It took the court that long to make the decision. And after all those months went by before they decided how much 20% was, arrears had been accrued.
post #23 of 61
Thread Starter 
I just dont see how it is right that she is bringing home over $600 every two weeks from her job plus gets $500 a month in child support, and my husband is making $535 every two weeks, and we have his son more than her, PLUS we have a child together. Regardless of what anyone says, it is hard, and it's not right! Why should we live in poverty just so she can have the cs for her own use, and not her kids?? I mean, if she wanted alamony she should have asked for that instead of cs, then i may have not cared, but to use her kids for money, I dont get it..

When the divorce papers were in the works, she wanted my husband to pay for half of everything for the kids... medical expenses, clothes, and such.. ISN'T THIS WHY SHE IS GETTING CS??

She wanted him to put $6,000 for each kid in a bank account for the kids for college.. but she wanted it right now and in her name..

She wanted it in the divorce papers that SHE would claim both kids on the taxes...

WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE SHE WANTS??? AND NOT for the kids cause they aren't with her hardly...

anyway.. ill quit rambling!
post #24 of 61
Typically the custodial parent gets to claim the children, unless the custodial parent signs that right away.

Also, all uninsured medical costs are usually split between the parents at the same rate of the income. So let's say your husband only makes 40% of the income, he would only have to pay 40 % of the medical costs.

Basic clothing, medical up to 250 dollars a year is generally considered part of child support. Some divorce decrees specify that the "back to school" clothing is a shared expense.

College accounts are usually part of the process. My children are part of a family trust, and as such we did not do the college account. Where I made my mistake was not being able to "see" the trust once a year to make sure it was/is being handled correctly. Usually they go into whoever's name made the deposits, a grand parent or a trusted neutral party

She can also ask for and receive up to 6% of his yearly gross salary, for as long as they were married or living together, for retirement. As can he.

If she is making 1200 a month, that is far from the good life. Also, have you taken in the fact that she might have childcare expenses? He is expected to pay for half of childcare.
post #25 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
Typically the custodial parent gets to claim the children, unless the custodial parent signs that right away.
They have joint custody, it's in the divorce papers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
Also, all uninsured medical costs are usually split between the parents at the same rate of the income. So let's say your husband only makes 40% of the income, he would only have to pay 40 % of the medical costs.
He is paying for the childrens insurance.


Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
If she is making 1200 a month, that is far from the good life. Also, have you taken in the fact that she might have childcare expenses? He is expected to pay for half of childcare.
1200 a month plus 500, and all that is coming into our house is 535 every two weeks.. so yeah, she is doing pretty good, and NO she does NOT have childcare expenses.. She does not pay the kids grandparents to keep them so she can go out and party like she is 18.
post #26 of 61
Joint custody has nothing to do with who has PHYSICAL custody of the child, and the tax credit.


Often if the NCP has the ability to provide insurance through their employment they MUST do that. IE I have remarried, my husband has health insurance available to his step children, we must provide it. My children's father is court mandated to provide insurance for the children.

I highly suggest you look at your states child support calculator.


Also, she is WORKING, earning an income, If you were working outside the home, your income would would not be counted in the childsupport issue, just as her new husband's is not. Your husband's first obligation is to his first child. If that child's situation is really as dire as you say, maybe a court date is warranted.

As much as I admire moms that stay home, and I think it is a shame that not all can, there are some instances where maybe one should work outside the home or for pay. Your husband needs to put his first family first. It is not that child's fault that mom and dad could not make it work. Your husband chose to have a second family, with limited assets and income, and a substancial economic obligation to his first family.

I am sorry that your situation is tough, that money is tight and your housing situation is less than stellar. It is a situation that the two of you created and must now find a way out of. Venting on this or any web board is a great way to start finding solutions, seeing other sides, and just in general making your life better.

There has been some good advice in this thread, suggestions and ideas for a better future for your family.
post #27 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
Your husband needs to put his first family first. It is not that child's fault that mom and dad could not make it work. Your husband chose to have a second family, with limited assets and income, and a substancial economic obligation to his first family.
Are you serious?? He should put his first family first?? All his children should come FIRST! Even if he had 11 kids from 5 different people (which he doesnt). That just makes no sense! He has an obligation to all his children and should have EQUAL care!
post #28 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by sklsnyder
Are you serious?? He should put his first family first?? All his children should come FIRST! Even if he had 11 kids from 5 different people (which he doesnt). That just makes no sense! He has an obligation to all his children and should have EQUAL care!
: Totally Agree with you sklsnyder.

: It sounds almost like boobybunny thinks since she met the man first, she, and her children are always more important. :
Just because I met dh later on in life (10 years later), and therefore our children were born 2nd and 3rd, doesn't make them rank 2nd and 3rd in his life. All his kids are important to dh. And yes, that means I think it would be fair if all his children could be provided for equally, although the fact is his first gets far better care financially.
post #29 of 61
It is not the first wife and the first family's fault that the husband made an emotional and financial commitment to them, and then broke it.

You knew going into it that he had this prior commitment and as such made your own beds. You are right, EVERY child deserves to be supported in a decent manner. Is it fair to you and your child that the first family has more money? No! It also is not fair that your husband is not a day to day daddy in his first child's life, but is one in yours. Who do you think is really getting the shaft here? It certainly is not your child.



And YES, I do think that the first children are more important. They did not choose this life, I certainly did not have children with my husband, thinking that he would walk out on them. (every other week at best is not a daddy) His income will support them in the manner they would have been supported if he had not walked. IF he chooses to have another child, (and they are pregnant) that child will end up less of an "income" but more of his daily care.

We will end up going round and round on this issue, as the two of you refuse to see the bed that you made as being fair.

I understand where you have a problem with it, you think you and your child are not getting what you deserve. But the person to blame is not the first family.
post #30 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom
... He was financially responsible for his first child, even though his ex had already remarried and was getting money from her new husband.
That the child's mother remarried and received financial support from her new husband is completely irrelevant to your husband's financial responsibility towards his child. It wouldn't matter if he was Donald Trump. If the new husband wants to help support his stepchild(ren), that's wonderful of him, but he's not legally obligated to. That obligation lies soley with the child's parents.


This is a touchy subject for me. My father was a world-class CS-evader through two families. When he took up with the woman who became my stepmom, he completely abandoned us financially. It all fell to my mother to support us. We went to bed hungry in a roach-infested trailer, while he took the kids he had with his new wife to Disneyland. But he couldn't afford to give my mom any CS, doncha know? Later on, when my mom remarried, to a very loving man who did keep a safe roof over my sister and brother's heads, my dad's argument was that she didn't "need" the money from him anymore (including the thousands in back CS he owed) because SD was paying the bills. My dad owed so much money in CS that he is STILL paying off that debt to my mom, and I am 29 years old. He's getting garnished now, but it's still going to take years. He calls me up and tries to poor-mouth, but I hang up on him.

The funny thing is, the kids he serially abandoned all have great relationships with each other. My mom and ex-stepmom even get along well (my mom once took in all of ESM's little ones when my dad's lack of CS led to them getting evicted from their house.) But none of us want much to do with him. My only consolation, I guess, is that old age is gonna be mighty lonely for him.
post #31 of 61
To the OP - if you and your husband have the children MORE than their mother, you should not be paying child support at all, and she may be obligated to pay child support to you. I would keep a calendar, and consider going to court.
post #32 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
It is not the first wife and the first family's fault that the husband made an emotional and financial commitment to them, and then broke it.

Is it fair to you and your child that the first family has more money? No! It also is not fair that your husband is not a day to day daddy in his first child's life, but is one in yours.

I understand where you have a problem with it, you think you and your child are not getting what you deserve. But the person to blame is not the first family.
Just a couple responses:
Your 1st point: My husband didn't break the commitment to his first wife. She cheated on him for two years, and she is the one that left (while he was deployed in the army) with their child to marry the 'lover'.

I appreciate you say that you know it's not fair to us. She just sits around all day, not working, living off new husband and CS meant for their son. It's not the CS, per se, that I have a problem with, but rather the fact it's not used for the child in any way whatsoever... and you can't say it is used to contribute to household expenses, because as I pointed out in an earlier post, she has none.

I don't blame the child, I blame the lazy good-for-nothing ex-wife. This particular woman, not ex's in general.

and yes, it is true he doesn't see his son day to day and does see his daughter every evening after a 12 hour shift at work. He does see his son every weekend (3 days) and holidays and summer and has maintained a regular, healthy relationship with him.
post #33 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Herausgeber
That the child's mother remarried and received financial support from her new husband is completely irrelevant to your husband's financial responsibility towards his child.

This is a touchy subject for me. My father was a world-class CS-evader through two families. My dad owed so much money in CS that he is STILL paying off that debt to my mom, and I am 29 years old. He's getting garnished now, but it's still going to take years.
Yes, I realize it is irrelevant, but it still irks me that she has the good life and is a lazy bum at the same time.

I also understand it being a touchy subject for you as you have had a bad personal experience with it. My husband never skimped on his financial or physical obligations as a father, so he can't really be compared to all those CS dodgers.

My own father was a CS dodger, and I'm 32, and he still owes 22,000 back CS which I never thought I'd see. In my early 20's I would think, gee, it sure would come in handy now to pay for college....
post #34 of 61
She just sits around all day, not working, living off new husband and CS meant for their son. It's not the CS, per se, that I have a problem with, but rather the fact it's not used for the child in any way whatsoever... and you can't say it is used to contribute to household expenses, because as I pointed out in an earlier post, she has none.



How is it not being used for the child? Does she and her new husband have living expenses that include the child? Does that child not eat at her house? Does the child not take a bath, get their clothes washed????

All of that would eat up 500 bucks pretty darn quickly.
post #35 of 61
I am probley going to be flamed here but thats ok.. Some people need to get OFF their high horses.. 1st of all its not always the dad that walks out! I can show you 3 children where the MOTHER walked out on them! Left them for a man she met online! To go and party everynight and not worry about her own children! Leaving with all the bill money that she LIED and said she paid to bills for the last THREE months. causing the dad to LOSE his and their childrens HOME. their car and everything they had. She had been printing off FAKE recepits and saying she paid the bills. And throwing away all bills she got in the mail.

You need to do a little research before you ASSUME that the DAD left the family and not the mother got up and left. It happens a lot more then you would think.

Second if what the OP says is true and the children are NOT staying with her but with friends and grandparents and such then she is NOT taking care of them and should not get the CS period! Her children should not be pawned off on others and she should not use them to get $ period.


third ANYONE that would sit there and say one child is more important well that is JUST CRAZY. ALL children are special and gifts. ALL of them. It don't matter if it is from a 1st marriage or a 2nd. For some reasson the parents of the first children could not stay together ( Abuse someone cheating just not being inlove and such. ) Just because someone falls in love later does not mean the children from the first relationship OR the second one is more important then the other.
We should NEVER teach our children other wise!! They should know that they are very important and the half sis or bro is just as important and so on. You should not play favorits with your children. period. it is bad parenting.

Forth Yes ok the dad may or may not be in the life of the child everyday BUT sometimes that is because the MOTHER WONT allow them to be!!! You really think that if they are divorced the mother is going to say OH YES come over everyday and see them?? Some may but not many. besides that is not very realistic is it?


I get so sick of reading how people ASSUME over and OVER its always the DADS that leave. The DADS that dont want their kids in their lifes everyday. But by God if that Dad fights for full care of the children the mother is then mad about that also! Sometimes the GOOD dads just cant win!
post #36 of 61


to the OP:
I completly understand where you are coming from and why you feel this way!
I've been through very similar situations with a couple of my DH's ex's.

With one of them, she really did think she could get MY $$. I went to court with Dh and when they got to the point where they were discussing CS, she started right away with my name, where I worked, etc. She just wanted to get more money and thought my income would be counted in also (I have a better paying job than DH). The judge set her straight, quick! Seeing the look on her face was priceless!

The other ex, the few years she did have custody, (we had them since they were 5 & 6 and now they are 17&18) , she used the CS $$ for drugs and alcohal. (Wasn't for rent or household expenses, she was constintaly getting evicted and having services shut off) She tried to get CS even after Dh won full physical custody, I mean YEARS later. She didn't even have them for vistations. She only saw them for supervised visits(in between the times she wasn't in jail or rehab) And guess what! this woman is a CS dodger. We have probably only gotten a $1000 total in CS in all these years. What little Dh and the girls got, Dh really did spend it on them and kept the reciepts to prove it. We didn't use it for the mortgage and utilities. It bought them clothes and school supplies and etc.

I agree - if this women is not really taking care of her child (by pawning the child off on to other people) she really does not deserve the $$. the people who are actually taking care of the child are the one's who should get the money. Whether it is the op and her DH, bio-mom's relatives, bio-dad's relatives or even a friend.

You hang in there girl!!
post #37 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
How is it not being used for the child? Does she and her new husband have living expenses that include the child? Does that child not eat at her house? Does the child not take a bath, get their clothes washed????

All of that would eat up 500 bucks pretty darn quickly.
Why are you making me repeat myself. She is living off her parents. She does not pay them anything to live at their house. She does not pay utilities, water bill, rent, or pay for food. She doesn't pay for anything.

Get it now? She spends the money only on herself such as going onvacations or trips without her son and w/her hb
post #38 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
.


Your husband's first obligation is to his first child. If that child's situation is really as dire as you say, maybe a court date is warranted.

As much as I admire moms that stay home, and I think it is a shame that not all can, there are some instances where maybe one should work outside the home or for pay. Your husband needs to put his first family first. It is not that child's fault that mom and dad could not make it work. Your husband chose to have a second family, with limited assets and income, and a substancial economic obligation to his first family.
YES.

If you choose to become a step-parent, you need to go into this with the full and frank knowledge that there are mouths to feed that are more important than yours. There are kids who need to be clothed, and you're rarely (or never) going to be able to get to take them shopping and help them pick them out. After school activities, etc, etc: that 500 is NOT covering half the cost of raising those children- the bills mount up incredibly quickly. You are asking another family to subsidise the cost of your own biological children and being a sahm by paying some of the cost of raising your husbands other child.

Biomoms are not the bad guys: there are biomoms, like me, on this forum who are watching exhusbands who are fathering more children, adopting their stepchildren and see their biokids once every two months and don't contribute financially. Yet I know that if my boys stepmom posted on the forum, her post would go something like "ex spends the money on partying, kids never have new clothes, blah-blah-blah." And that outrages me.
post #39 of 61
flapjack, I totally understand where you're coming from.

Bottom line, this forum needs to be a sounding board for the blended family and step-parenting.

There are many blended families out there that are basically okay. Mine is one of them. I get alone with DH's xwife for the most part, and her kids asked her permission to call me "Mommy" when they're with me. She was fine with that. The CS that DH pays to her gets used for the children. All three of us work so that all of the children in our various families can have what they need and want for nothing.

That said, all of that doesn't mean that I haven't come on here to vent about the x. There are times when her behavior and attitude towards DH and myself irks the bejeebes out of me. And I was attacked on my most recent thread and told to "stop bitching" because I knew DH had children before he married me. Yes, I did. That doesn't, however, mean that I should accept that the x talks to me like I'm a moron sometimes.

It's just like anything else. If someone is ticked off at their DP, or MIL, or other family member, or stranger in the grocery store, it's perfectly acceptable for that person to post a vent thread about it.

The same needs to happen here. I'm not saying that all threads should be vents, because there is so much positive stuff about living in a blended family that it's not fair to discredit it by making this a negative forum.

I think that somehow, biomoms and stepmoms here need to come to some sort of agreement to live and let live. Not all biomoms are money-grubbing twits (EXAMPLE...I DO NOT THINK THIS...PLEASE DO NOT BURN ME!) nor are all stepmoms baby-making whorelettes (ALSO DON'T THINK THIS...SAW IT ON ANOTHER THREAD). Some mutual respect in this forum would go a long way. Having a blended family is hard enough for everyone. Do we really need to attack each other here as well?
post #40 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack
YES.
You are asking another family to subsidise the cost of your own biological children and being a sahm by paying some of the cost of raising your husbands other child.
I'm not asking dh's ex to do anything.I don't want her raising my child, financially or otherwise. I wouldn't want her anywhere around my child.

She, in fact, is the one expecting others to pay for raising her child (I'm not referring to CS here, I'm referring to other people being compelled to 'help' her altough she's not helpless).
I am just saying I wish she would have paid her own bills, instead of copping out by filing bankruptcy, I wish she would get a job, since she's perfectly capable and doesn't need to pay for daycare, as her son goes to school, and I wish she wasn't mooching offer her parents generosity.

I wish she would be responsible enough to make an effort to contribute in some small way to raising her own child that she created instead of expecting her parents, her husband, her ex and the rest of her family to do it for her while she does NOTHING. This is not just a financial issue. It is an emotional, social and educational issue. She is severely neglecting her son in these areas.

RE: me being a SAHM. I have that right, and that's my choice. I have wanted children for 12 years. I was married before for 8 years and didn't have children with him. That doesn't mean I don't have a right to have the family I've always wanted. I worked ever since I was 14 right through until 2 weeks before I delivered my first daughter. I had saved up, I've always paid my bills, I have excellent credit. I am extremely responsible financially, always have been. The pay I received while working was $10 an hour. Daycare costs more than that around here. I choose to be a SAHM because I want to raise my own children. I didn't want to go to work, just to get money to turn around and hand that money over to daycare to have them raise my child. That is my choice.

I never asked anyone else to pay for raising my child. I just ask she could contribute to raising her own.
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