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Please help...I dont know if i can handle anymore. - Page 3

post #41 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
You knew going into it that he had this prior commitment and as such made your own beds. You are right, EVERY child deserves to be supported in a decent manner. Is it fair to you and your child that the first family has more money? No! It also is not fair that your husband is not a day to day daddy in his first child's life, but is one in yours. Who do you think is really getting the shaft here? It certainly is not your child.
Is it fair to that she isnt a day to day mommy?? Because we have the son more than she does... Because the daughter is with her grandparents more than they are with her! No, it isnt fair!

So, the kids, at least the son, has more of a daddy than a mommy, I take care of the son more than she does, and I dont mind! Because I love him very much, and I know what he goes through when he is at his moms house! He gets no attention, because she is too busy hanging out with her friends, to do anything with him, play with him, talk to him, let alone feed him, he has come to our house saying he gets fed better when he is with us, we make sure he gets fed, we make sure there is enough food in the house for him, even if there isnt enough for us! He never wants to go back to her when he is with us! The only reason we don't see the daughter that much is because her mother doesnt want her to come out here because she likes me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
And YES, I do think that the first children are more important. They did not choose this life, I certainly did not have children with my husband, thinking that he would walk out on them. (every other week at best is not a daddy) His income will support them in the manner they would have been supported if he had not walked. IF he chooses to have another child, (and they are pregnant) that child will end up less of an "income" but more of his daily care.

We will end up going round and round on this issue, as the two of you refuse to see the bed that you made as being fair.

I understand where you have a problem with it, you think you and your child are not getting what you deserve. But the person to blame is not the first family.
I STILL do not understand your thinking! All children deserve as EQUAL care as possible from their parents!!

So would you be saying if he were to go back to his ex wife, then the child we had together just wouldnt matter at all, because the other two kids came first?
post #42 of 61
You are just being argumentative.

I am saying that IF there is not enough money to support more children than the he already had equally, you have no one to blame but yourself. I am saying that I am very tired of hearing second family's whine about the money the father* has to send for child support.

Like I have said before, if the problem with this child is so severe, maybe you need to go back to court and get custody of this "mama less" child. That would be more productive than whining about the money your husband has to pay out, and better for the child in the long run. Which is why we are all here I believe.





*not necessarily the father, which ever parent has to pay child support.
post #43 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
You are just being argumentative.

I am saying that IF there is not enough money to support more children than the he already had equally, you have no one to blame but yourself. I am saying that I am very tired of hearing second family's whine about the money the father* has to send for child support.
And you are just being rude. Frankly, I don't think anyone said they were simply whining about money. Of COURSE children deserve to be taken care of by their parents, and of COURSE it is the non-custodial parent's obligation to ensure that their children are provided for in case of divorce.

That said, the OP is frustrated that the biomom is a less than stellar mother, and that regardless of that, her DH still has to pay (in their opinion) CS that is high, while taking care of the child more often than biomom. Maybe she should try and convince her DH to fight for custody and get drawn in to a disgusting legal battle.

And maybe you should consider being even remotely humane in your responses. IMO, you have a habit of coming down awfully hard on anyone whose opinion differs from your own. This needs to be a sounding board and safe haven of sorts. If the opinion of step-parents bothers you that much, then don't respond to posts. No one needs the constant belittling and negative feedback.

So if the first family is the most important, does that mean that any future children YOU may have are less important? They weren't with the first spouse, after all. That must mean that they deserve less than their older siblings, right? And if that is not in fact the case, then how is it fair for you to say that a non-custodial parent's subsequent children are less important than those from his first marriage?

We all make choices in our lives that are difficult at times to deal with. That does not mean that we should be condemned for trying to get our heads around the various repercussions.
post #44 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by sehbub
And you are just being rude. Frankly, I don't think anyone said they were simply whining about money. Of COURSE children deserve to be taken care of by their parents, and of COURSE it is the non-custodial parent's obligation to ensure that their children are provided for in case of divorce.

That said, the OP is frustrated that the biomom is a less than stellar mother, and that regardless of that, her DH still has to pay (in their opinion) CS that is high, while taking care of the child more often than biomom. Maybe she should try and convince her DH to fight for custody and get drawn in to a disgusting legal battle.

And maybe you should consider being even remotely humane in your responses. IMO, you have a habit of coming down awfully hard on anyone whose opinion differs from your own. This needs to be a sounding board and safe haven of sorts. If the opinion of step-parents bothers you that much, then don't respond to posts. No one needs the constant belittling and negative feedback.

So if the first family is the most important, does that mean that any future children YOU may have are less important? They weren't with the first spouse, after all. That must mean that they deserve less than their older siblings, right? And if that is not in fact the case, then how is it fair for you to say that a non-custodial parent's subsequent children are less important than those from his first marriage?

We all make choices in our lives that are difficult at times to deal with. That does not mean that we should be condemned for trying to get our heads around the various repercussions.
post #45 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sehbub
And you are just being rude. Frankly, I don't think anyone said they were simply whining about money. Of COURSE children deserve to be taken care of by their parents, and of COURSE it is the non-custodial parent's obligation to ensure that their children are provided for in case of divorce.

That said, the OP is frustrated that the biomom is a less than stellar mother, and that regardless of that, her DH still has to pay (in their opinion) CS that is high, while taking care of the child more often than biomom. Maybe she should try and convince her DH to fight for custody and get drawn in to a disgusting legal battle.

And maybe you should consider being even remotely humane in your responses. IMO, you have a habit of coming down awfully hard on anyone whose opinion differs from your own. This needs to be a sounding board and safe haven of sorts. If the opinion of step-parents bothers you that much, then don't respond to posts. No one needs the constant belittling and negative feedback.

So if the first family is the most important, does that mean that any future children YOU may have are less important? They weren't with the first spouse, after all. That must mean that they deserve less than their older siblings, right? And if that is not in fact the case, then how is it fair for you to say that a non-custodial parent's subsequent children are less important than those from his first marriage?

We all make choices in our lives that are difficult at times to deal with. That does not mean that we should be condemned for trying to get our heads around the various repercussions.

Thank you and very well said!
post #46 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by sehbub
And you are just being rude. Frankly, I don't think anyone said they were simply whining about money. Of COURSE children deserve to be taken care of by their parents, and of COURSE it is the non-custodial parent's obligation to ensure that their children are provided for in case of divorce.

That said, the OP is frustrated that the biomom is a less than stellar mother, and that regardless of that, her DH still has to pay (in their opinion) CS that is high, while taking care of the child more often than biomom. Maybe she should try and convince her DH to fight for custody and get drawn in to a disgusting legal battle.

And maybe you should consider being even remotely humane in your responses. IMO, you have a habit of coming down awfully hard on anyone whose opinion differs from your own. This needs to be a sounding board and safe haven of sorts. If the opinion of step-parents bothers you that much, then don't respond to posts. No one needs the constant belittling and negative feedback.

So if the first family is the most important, does that mean that any future children YOU may have are less important? They weren't with the first spouse, after all. That must mean that they deserve less than their older siblings, right? And if that is not in fact the case, then how is it fair for you to say that a non-custodial parent's subsequent children are less important than those from his first marriage?

We all make choices in our lives that are difficult at times to deal with. That does not mean that we should be condemned for trying to get our heads around the various repercussions.
:
post #47 of 61
three points:
1) Being a SAHM is not a right. It's a privilege. It's a privilege that the majority of single parents do not have, especially in countries that have poor welfare systems. Count your blessings, huh?
2) If a man chooses to have more children knowing that he can't or isn't providing adequately for the ones he already has, somewhere, someone's got to do without. This is a cold hard reality of life. The flexibillity comes in who makes the sacrifice-whether it is the children, the biomom who receives less CS than she is entitled to but works hard/ budgets hard to pick up the slack, the stepfather who spends his paypacket on his stepkids needs and wants, the father who scrimps and saves to provide well for both his families or (and this seems to be the common one) the woman who is unlucky enough to fall in love with a man who already has a family, and has to choose between having children of her own and living on a very tight budget for a decade or more, or having an actual standard of living. There is no easy answer, just very hard choices.
3) What the hell happened to this board? Three months ago, six months ago, it was a safe place to go and get an opinion from "the other side" of the debate. Sehbub felt flamed in her recent post, I did in mine, boobybunny got some stonking criticism here for her opinions: we used to be friendly. What, where, why, how? Where's all this animosity coming from? It's the internet, for crying out loud, not personal.
post #48 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack
three points:
1) Being a SAHM is not a right. It's a privilege.
It is both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack
the woman who is unlucky enough to fall in love with a man who already has a family,
Im sorry, but still with all that is going on, I CERTANILY do not consider myself "unlucky". He is a wonderful dad to all his children, and gives them what they need and even wants!

Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack
3) What the hell happened to this board? Three months ago, six months ago, it was a safe place to go and get an opinion from "the other side" of the debate. Sehbub felt flamed in her recent post, I did in mine, boobybunny got some stonking criticism here for her opinions: we used to be friendly. What, where, why, how? Where's all this animosity coming from? It's the internet, for crying out loud, not personal.
I came here for support, support from people who may have been going through the same thing, I did not come here to get criticized, or to be told that my child with my husband is not as important as his two prior to this marriage! Yes, it is the internet, and yet YES it is still personal! I already know the opinions from "the other side", I've heard them all before with his ex. If I wanted support like this, I could just go and talk to her.
post #49 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack
three points:
1) Being a SAHM is not a right. It's a privilege. It's a privilege that the majority of single parents do not have, especially in countries that have poor welfare systems. Count your blessings, huh?

So very true, when I was first divorced, I worked 45-60 hours a week, never saw my children, and worked like crazy to pay off my ex's bad debt that showed up on my credit report. Being a SAHM is not a right. Having more children than you can afford is only shafting the children.

2) If a man chooses to have more children knowing that he can't or isn't providing adequately for the ones he already has, somewhere, someone's got to do without. This is a cold hard reality of life.

So crystal clear. Why is it some are not capable of seeing this?


The flexibillity comes in who makes the sacrifice-whether it is the children, the biomom who receives less CS than she is entitled to but works hard/ budgets hard to pick up the slack, the stepfather who spends his paypacket on his stepkids needs and wants, the father who scrimps and saves to provide well for both his families or (and this seems to be the common one) the woman who is unlucky enough to fall in love with a man who already has a family, and has to choose between having children of her own and living on a very tight budget for a decade or more, or having an actual standard of living. There is no easy answer, just very hard choices.

My problem is when people just wallow in pity and are not proactive about their situations.

3) What the hell happened to this board? Three months ago, six months ago, it was a safe place to go and get an opinion from "the other side" of the debate. Sehbub felt flamed in her recent post, I did in mine, boobybunny got some stonking criticism here for her opinions: we used to be friendly. What, where, why, how? Where's all this animosity coming from? It's the internet, for crying out loud, not personal.


I know I have never meant to flame or insult anyone. I get frustrated when people do nothing but complain about choices that they made, and have a "poop or get off the pot" attitude with them about it. As for the criticism I have received here, it does not bother me. I at least attempt to see the other side. I do not think I have come down too hard on anyone here, truth is truth, facts are facts and sometimes, the truth crawls under your skin and leaves an irratation.
post #50 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
[/COLOR]

I know I have never meant to flame or insult anyone. I get frustrated when people do nothing but complain about choices that they made, and have a "poop or get off the pot" attitude with them about it.
I'm not complaining about the choices I have made... I am complaining on how the money is not being used for the children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES AM I OR OTHERS GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS?? He was paying childsupport to her before we got together, so I know what I was getting myself "into". I just don't think it is fair, that the money is NOT going towards the children!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
As for the criticism I have received here, it does not bother me. I at least attempt to see the other side.
No, I'm sorry, but I just don't see you attempting to see the other side.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
the truth crawls under your skin and leaves an irratation.
So, is this really why you are so frustrated? It works both ways.
post #51 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by sklsnyder
Well, the reason he is only paying $500, is because we kept and still are keeping a calender of when we keep the kids. They were going to make him pay over $600 and then he had the calender, so it got dropped. I think because I pitched a fit, he is FINALLY going to go tomorrow and try to get it lowered. THANK GOD! I hope it works out though, and it's in the divorce papers that they have joint custody.

Thanks,
Kristen
Joint custody doesn't really mean they have to have equal time or pay equal amounts. When dss's mom was fighting for "joint custody" our lawyer said, just call it joint custody, but he's at your house 2/3 of the time. We have joint legal custody, the physical custody is the part that is confusing. Our lawyer said that "joint" means "shared" but not necessarily equal. I am sorry that you are having a hard time with the 12 yo. Dss is 11 and I know they are a handful regardless of the circumstances. It is hard to separate age issues and "step" issues.

When you are the one paying CS, always feels like it's too high. Nobody wants to cheat the kids, but it's hard to not pick apart the first wife's choices (ie. they have HBO and we can't afford it, but we are paying her. . .) but I know it is none of my business what they choose to do with their money. We all make choices that would seem weird to others. If it really is too high, go back to court, talk to a lawyer, work on it.

I don't for a second think that kids from a first marriage are more important. The logic could just as easily be applied to the second marriage's children, they didn't choose to have a dad who had to pay so much money to some one else, they didn't choice to have a dad with guilt and money issues, they didn't ask for this or that.

Also, I notice that you are a newer stepmom. I've been at it for 6 years now. You sound a lot like I did when we first got married. I was really horrified at the biomom's lifestyle ( I think dhs marry the opposite of what they had the first time around) and a lot of your emotion sounds like mine did. We were just better people and it drove me crazy to never feel like the law gave us more power than she did. She would make these terrible decisions, but because she was the mom, she had all these rights. We were always creating the safe home, the responsible home, etc, but were always in fear of losing time or money.

Well, 6 years later, she doesn't bug me at all. I'm not even that interested in her anymore. I realized that even if she totally changed her life, I would still find things to be horrified at and judgemental about, because that's just were I was at with her. I can't control what she buys (or doesn't), I can't control what she lets dss do or not do, I only have control over my own home. She's just not that interesting to me anymore. I don't need to spend my energy having ugly feelings over her. If you feel like something is REALLY wrong (her treatment of kids or amount of CS) talk to a lawyer and move on. Save the energy for your family!
post #52 of 61
Great post, Jennifer.
post #53 of 61
flor and a lot of the other posters really have a point here.
As step mom for five years, I can honestly tell you that you are going to have to GET OVER THE MONEY. You might not like the way bio mom spends the money. You may feel that she isn't spending the money on the children who are at issue. You may be feeling the pinch because there is less money to go around because of you DH's prior obligation to support his child from a prior relationship/marriage. All of these feelings are justified, but you can't change the core obligation that your DH has to this DC.
I have been where you are, and I am still there. the longer you stew over the money, the worse you are going to feel, and, honestly, you will come to resent your DSS and your DH in the end. If you value them, and your relationship with them, LET THE MONEY GO.
that said, it sounds like you can't strech your current budget much farther... I think you said there is less than $1200 per month for your family. No matter where you live, that's tough.
Ummmmm.... maybe you need to look into generating some income yourself? Maybe start an at home business.... work part time, maybe you could open an in home DC?
Keep in mind that the ex wife that you dislike and disapprove of so much has no claim to income YOU generate.
My DH, DD and I could not subsist on what my DH makes after his CS and insurance for DSS is deducted. I would love to stay at home with DD, but I just can't if we want to survive.
post #54 of 61
To ALL!!
What is going on here? Why tear each other up over this? I am a biological mom and a stepmom. We get CS and we pay CS. For heaven's sake the first family, second family stuff is plain stupid folks yea I said stupid. No child is more important then the other they all deserve the best a parent can give. If you feel your child is not being provided for as you would like then Mama get a job. If the bio Mom is not using the money to support the child then take her to court. There can be and are things alot worse than having money problems, however, when someone comes on here for advice or support WHY rake them over the coals?
post #55 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by teenagersMom
To ALL!!
What is going on here? Why tear each other up over this? I am a biological mom and a stepmom. We get CS and we pay CS. For heaven's sake the first family, second family stuff is plain stupid folks yea I said stupid. No child is more important then the other they all deserve the best a parent can give. when someone comes on here for advice or support WHY rake them over the coals?
The reason I posted here in the first place, was because I could relate to the OP. I wanted to share my story so she would feel she wasn't alone. Then I was attacked. I felt I needed to state the facts in more details so others would understand where I was coming from. Apparently, it didn't matter. I only wanted to offer support to the OP and have an opportunity to vent my own frustrations. That was my only intention.
post #56 of 61
I think it is VERY hard to be a custodial parent, and listen to stepmoms/dads complain about child support. It is a very touchy subject for many of us. I agree with many of the comments made in this thread. I do think that we all have choices to make, and sometimes the harsh reality of our choices is a very very bitter pill. Someone could say the same for me as far as choosing to marry and procreate with a not so stellar person--like didn't you know he had issues before you married and you still married him kinda thing.

I know it is very frustrating for biomoms and stepmoms, and whining is perfectly understandable. I think that it feels good for a time, just to vent. But, eventually you gotta move on to something productive. If there isn't anything that can be done as far as CS amounts, then I think it is best to give it up and focus on things you can control.

I hope there are no hard feelings from this thread, and that people continue to post and be open to hearing similar and different perspectives regarding these very emotional issues that we all deal with...
post #57 of 61

constitutional perspective

All of the children should have equal protection under the law. The existing legislation that favors the first family/first children does not accomplish this.

Parents must provide food, clothing, shelter, medical care, access to education. Period. Do the clothes have to come from the Salvation Army in order for there to be enough for everyone? Then so be it. I am a bit old-fashioned/not materialistic about this. If, for whatever reason, a parent has more children, the children ought all to share the resources of the family. Stretch, stretch, stretch. It is a very strange dynamic when some of the children have piles of the family's resources spent on them, and others are second-class citizens, and yet they all are in the same family.

Sometimes the courts are just not fair, even if you appeal to the Supreme Court. You have to leave so many issues by the wayside just in the hopes that the court will pay attention to the biggest ones, and the courts still can be very biased. I believed the court should be biased toward mothers, until I saw what they did to my dh.

I agree that "we have to let go of the money." However, there are real legal issues here. Some of us have to take on the fight to make the laws and the ways in which they are implemented constitutional and fair.
post #58 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by vermont mom
All of the children should have equal protection under the law. The existing legislation that favors the first family/first children does not accomplish this.
If, for whatever reason, a parent has more children, the children ought all to share the resources of the family. Stretch, stretch, stretch. It is a very strange dynamic when some of the children have piles of the family's resources spent on them, and others are second-class citizens, and yet they all are in the same family.

However, there are real legal issues here. Some of us have to take on the fight to make the laws and the ways in which they are implemented constitutional and fair.
I agree. Many of the laws in effect are not fair to all the children. I don't know exactly what can be done to change these things, as I'm not extremely politically involved. But I do agree things need to change for the better.
post #59 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by vermont mom
I agree that "we have to let go of the money." However, there are real legal issues here. Some of us have to take on the fight to make the laws and the ways in which they are implemented constitutional and fair.
I think that IF their are real LEGAL issues, deal with it. Go to court. If you just don't like the way something/ or it just feels wrong, you have to let it go. You can't continue with those ugly, frustrated feelings forever if it's really not something you can control.
post #60 of 61
No, I like the point Abi's mom made. If ordinary people don't stand up and start shouting to be counted, preferring instead to work around the system, then the crappy, sucky system won't get changed.
It worked in this country.
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