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August Dating Thread - Page 3

post #41 of 153
K... that sounds like a dreadful evening.
post #42 of 153
Kelly -- ew, ew, ew, ew! Can you block his number?

Call me oldfashioned, but my real contact info to net dating people -- no. N. O. I'd be very reluctant to do it even if I were single & had a death wish; with adorable in the house, no way. That whole idea brings out the New Jersey in me real fast.

=) Again, benefit of living in a small town...in my online fantasizing moments, I came across a guy who sounded potentially interesting, looked at his photo, and of course I know him. See him at synagogue, know his department and his colleagues (one of whom has been chasing me for years; that'd make an interesting mix). So him, if I were crazy enough to be looking for romantic trouble, sure, I'd give him my number, not that he couldn't just look it up anyway.

Otherwise I can think of exactly one guy I'd give the info to; he's been a penpal for...13 years, is now married, lives on another continent, and has been as happy as I've been to stick to the epistolary thing. (He writes very funny letters.) At a few points over the years we lived close enough to meet, but never did, just kept emailing & occasionally sending real letters. If I were in his town I'd look him up, maybe go out for drinks, but something tells me it'd be fantastically awkward.
post #43 of 153
Thread Starter 
I just love reading about all of your experiences, thank you so much for sharing. We have all come so far. I'm feeling myself to be in the presence of some powerful and beautiful women

This is fun, isn't it?
post #44 of 153

dating.. not dating.. what to call it...

I haven't posted here yet, because before this guy, I had NO interest in dating what so ever. Every once in a while I would skim thru here, but now I need single momma's help! I am a single mom to one DS who is almost 6 months.. DS's other half is not in the picture, although that may change next week when I have court.. I haven't seen this guy sense the night I got pregnant, and last time I even talked to him I was 20 weeks prego. Anyways, getting off topic here... this guy, I have been very close friends with him for about 1.5 years now.. we spent almost every day together while I was pregnant.. very kind supporting.. amazing.. he got divorced last april, I used to be friends with "the x" also.. but that changed. anyways, back to topic here.. I went camping with this guy about a month ago, and we ended up kissing on the pier under the stars, very romantic, and things have been fantastic sense. He says he isn't ready for a commited relationship, which is understandable, yet with the same breath he says "I am starting to rethink this whole wanting to be single thing" I haven't had a chance recently to talk tohim about where we are, but we act as if we are in a committed relationship. I see him almost every night, he is amazing with my DS, offering to watch him " a little" when I start school this fall, will take and comfort DS when he is upset, we go out, we hold hands we kiss.. everything a couple would do, but we are not. I am confused as to where this is going. Its so frusterating for me not knowing what we have, and I get really shy and nervous talking about "personal" things such as feelings and emotions and such face to face, so I usually just talk to him about it via email, but I know that is the chicken way to do it. We have such a good solid friendship that I don't want to lose, but the romance we have is so perfect also, it just feels so right to be with him. everything we do feels so right, but I can't settle for this "we have a relationship but we don't" thing. What would you do if you were me??????? Being with him has also started me thinking of if this doesn't work out, and I date other men, how to make sure it doesn't have a negative impact on DS. I remember growing up with a single mom, and her basically having a revolving door with men coming in and out.. long story short it didn't really do me any good, and I think I still have issues with it. I don't want that to happen with DS.. I don't want him to get attached to the guy I am "seeing" now, just to have it end and DS suffer from it. How do you seperate dating from raising your child, not mixing the two, but not neglecting one or the other. This guy I am "seeing" now is not a problem, because he knows DS, is good with DS, and I have no qualms about the two spending time with each other.. but if this guy doesn't work out future guys is my issue. Any advice welcome!!!! Thanks ladies!
post #45 of 153
You know, I used to attract the same kinds of men and it always ended in heartache.

I did so much soul searching and changing after my divorce that I'm not really sure when, where or how it all changed, but it did. I'm not sure if I realized that I deserved better, if I took the time to really know myself so I could pick someone more compatible, or if I just became more content with right now so that I wasn't in such a hurry to find someone that I was willing to wait, but it has made a world of difference in my dating life.

In fact, about a year ago, I did feel really lonely and went online and the men I attracted were really....wow....not so good. So I'm guessing it had more to do with the head space I was in at the moment than anything else.

I'm not sure there is a magic remedy....but I can say that I have broken the pattern and the last few men I have dated have been very different than anyone I dated before. I can also say that my current relationship is in a league I've believed existed and now I know it can.

Hang in there girls. A little time and space from dating can make a difference sometimes.
post #46 of 153
I can't even think about dating yet. Men swarm like flies, eager to snare me before I can get away from the last one. Predators, they are. I haven't even been moved out on my own for two weeks yet and I already have one who thinks he is welcome to show up unannounced at my house. The only reason he has my address is because I thought he was "safe", being a previous roommate of 10 years ago. Nope...all these years of marriage only to find out I'm still a freak magnet. He was waiting for me on my doorstep when I got home from work yesterday. It really caught me off guard (I had my girls with me) so I invited him in. The creep sat there in my house with his sunglasses on, trying to talk me into getting a sitter for the weekend so he could take me to Jackson Hole. Didn't even take his freakin' glasses off!

So I grabbed the girls, loaded them into the jeep and took them out for pizza. All because I didn't have the guts to tell this guy to leave. I had to leave. That SUCKS. I'll be more assertive next time...I promise. Lesson learned.

I was kinda dating someone really special, but now that I'm officially on my own, I'm avoiding him like the plague. Why? I think about him every day, but I don't return his phone calls. What is wrong with me? I was reading old entries in my blog and I have had the hugest crush on him for 8 months now! No wonder I'm scared...I can't afford any attachments right now.
post #47 of 153
tynme~ I can tell you have a lot going on in your head. With this current guy, I would definitely talk with him and just find out what he is thinking. The relationship you have sounds similar to what I have going on. We are in a relationship with one another, we are girlfriends. I still consider myself a single parent because although I am in a strong relationship with her and she does things with and for my kids, ultimately I am the only one responsible for everything that surrounds the kids. I would not consider it anything else until/if we decide to combine lives and move in with one another.

As for the rotating door of relationships... what I've done is I do not introduce my kids to whoever I'm dating until I feel like that person would be good for the kids. One person I dated never met my kids and I dated her for 2 months. There still may end up being some rotation of people, but it will help eliminate the people you really don't want around your kids. I know that if my GF and I were to break up she would still want to be a part of my kids' lives. The kids would then not suffer so much loss.

Just remember that there is no hurry for anything. There is no hurry to have a title to a relationship... you two are dating and dating is fun! And there is no hurry to introduce your dates to your kids.
post #48 of 153
Well, the concert was a bust. BF and I were supposed to go in different cars. On the way to my house, my ride's car broke down!!! Eeek! So, BF went to the concert without me. No biggie. I ended up hanging out with his roommate and a friend, and I crashed at BF's place. The next day, he took me out for dinner.

I feel like we're becoming closer, in that we've weathered a lot together, and we're understanding where the other is coming from more. It's nice that I've made it a point not to rely solely on him for emotional support, and he's done the same. I like that we have other friends, and separate interests. We get along fabulously.

A couple weeks ago, I met this wonderful young woman who I brought along when I got together with the BF and his roommate. The young woman and BF's roommate really hit it off, and now they're dating. They're lovey dovey, hanging off each other, sitting on each other's lap, talking often of their love, making rainbows wanna barf kinda' stuff. It's so funny. Meanwhile BF and I just give each other a quick hug or peck on the forehead or cheek or a slight touch on the back. It's very comfortable.

He mentioned the name "Alexandria Hope" if our baby is a girl. We've been having a hard time agreeing on a girl's name. I'm happy that he's at least thinking about it, and making suggestions.
post #49 of 153
Why is it that when I am with this guy I can talk about everything and anything, and feel completely comftorable, yet when it comes time to talk of "us" I get shy tongue twisted and scared?? It is frusterating. I wanted to have this whole "where is this going" talk tonight, and was all motivated and psyched up until the time came.. then of course, I chicken out! Ugh! Give me some strenght and courage and words of wisdom momma's, cuz I sure do need it!
post #50 of 153
Tynme...I'm not completely sure of your situation. Is it just that you haven't had a talk about where you are (and some men might not bother to bring it up) or that he has explicitly said "we aren't in a relationship"? If it hasn't come up yet...then I would give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if he's recently healing from his own divorce. Perhaps it would be helpful, since you're shy about talking about it, to write him an email saying that you'd like to talk to him about X, but not get too detailed until you can talk in person?

Autumnschild, isn't it crazy how hard it is to not give off signals sometimes? Or maybe people just imagine your availability because it suits them? For whatever it's worth, maybe just try to take it as a compliment As for the guy that you haven't returned phone calls too...even if it's hard to confront him, it might not be fair to him to just leave him hanging.

a work in progress, sorry your concert didn't turn out, but glad you feel comfortable where things stand!

I'm still in bliss...and wondering what happens next, in some ways. The man I've been seeing is just so amazingly wonderful, he has all the qualities of character that I just didn't dare to dream could reside in one person. I was describing him and our relationship to an old dear friend, and it clarified the things I find so amazing about him...he's very non-material and selfless, a giving person, honest and with a strong sense of honor, loving, affectionate, patient and kind, completely accepting of who I am, my life and it's complications, the joy of my children. I'm happier just knowing someone can be so good and true, if that makes any sense. And the more time we spend together, the more, well, hopeful I feel about life in general (not just my personal life, but all life, like politics, world affairs, etc.) He's such a positive person, realistic always but optimistic above all. This weekend he took me to see his sailboat, his "one material possession" which he's fixing up, and as we talked about what he was working on, what needed to be done, etc., he said how much he wants to get it done now, because he'd love to go sailing with me, "And the girls would love it, too, kids really love sailing." Ah, I just feel, I don't know, bliss!! I'm nervous in some ways that it's going so fast, mostly just because I don't want to be careless (but I don't think I am, it's mostly just rationalization and fear talking). I'm a little concerned about how much time we're spending with the kids (I'm trying to keep it to two nights a week, we were already at one night before we became a couple because we do a social event together), but at the same time, he's not going anywhere, and I'm not feeling any discomfort about our relationship progressing. Mostly, I'm kind of worried about larger dynamics (my family, my ex, skeptical people everywhere...the co-dependency of my family gets really excessive whenever I am making choices about my life). So I'm trying to just live in the moment, enjoy our experiences together, enjoy his slowly growing relationship with my kids, enjoy it all...
post #51 of 153
Thread Starter 
I know I said I was giving up my search for a man, well the next day, one asked me out...then I developed a huge crush (it's fun)actually, I have TWO crushes. I'm still guarding my heart though. Still thinking of practical matters (have to keep my head) Oh, this is all IRL (imagine that )
post #52 of 153
Cut him some slack or cut him loose?

This is sorta dating related and I didn't want to start a new thread so here's my ramblings :

Quick recap... *J* is a friend of a friend. I have never met him in person, but we have been talking on the phone since January. We talk quite often and get along real well. We live a couple states away but *J* plans (planned?) on coming up here to visit as soon as he had some extra money saved up (and he just started a new job last week so he needs to wait a little bit to take some time off).

So what's the problem? We agree on most everything (and have a good debate on some other stuff). The main issues we don't agree on? Parenting. Any and all things related to parenting. Like night and day, we are. Obviously parenting is an important topic for me (he does not have any kids, though wants 1 or 2 in the future). He was spanked as a kid and feels it is a good way to parent. I do not. His solution to everything is "a good spanking will make him stop". : We had a looooong discussion about this and he agreed to at least read a discipline book that discusses other alternatives. But he is always suggesting things that I would never do. We were talking about how Owen likes his schedules and doesn't like when it gets messed up. His solution was to give him to "someone, anyone" for 4 or 5 days. "That'll break his schedule". He knows darn well Owen's never even spent one night away from me. I just don't think he understands kids, and especially kids with special needs. When we were talking about Owen banging his head on the floor/wall he told me to "just make him stop". Uhhh..... you don't think I've tried?!? It doesn't work! He also suggested "making him talk". I asked how in the world you make a 2 year old talk and he said you just sit them down and make them say something. They aren't allowed to get up or have anything until they say it (sound like the advice from someone who's never BTDT? ).

However, he is always saying how he thinks I'm a great mom and I'm really caring and how he likes that about me. So he doesn't think I'm totally failing in the parenting department :

Soooo.... I just had another long conversation with him tonight ( ) and I just don't know. I know he doesn't have kids and he's not really around many kids (a few of his friends have kids but from what I've heard they basically leave them with babysitters/family members all the time and don't really care for them). On one hand I feel like I should cut him a break and just keep trying to educate him on this stuff. But on the other hand I also don't think I could ever marry someone who spanked. That would be a dealbreaker for me (some days it's hard enough for me to not spank- I don't need someone standing in the background telling me it's okay to spank, kwim?). But on the other hand (yes, I now have 3 hands) he really is a nice person and we get along so well (at least on the phone). He's always been very understanding of the fact I'm a mom and Owen comes first. He doesn't often call during the day (he tries to call after Owen is in bed) but if he does call during the day one of the first things he asks is whether Owen's okay if I talk for a few minutes or if I need to go do something with him.

Why is this all so difficult :
post #53 of 153
Steph, I'd cut him loose. Those things are just too important, and it's not JUST about parenting, parenting is a reflection of your mindset on the whole world. If he thinks it's okay to spank, what does he think about other forms of violence? If he thinks it's okay to force a child to talk by a battle of the wills and might makes right, what does he think about how our larger society should be set up? I guess for me gentle discipline is natural (though as you said, some days a struggle) because it is my world view to treat everything with respect, to view the humanity in those who struggle with something, and to be gentle. From what I've gathered of your posts, though this is being somewhat presumptious, you are more like me...and it just wouldn't work to be with someone who is comfortable with not just physical violence against a child but emotional as well. And I know, know, KNOW how hard it is to end something that fulfills a need you have, and you've enjoyed talking to J and having some hope for a relationship, but still...there are better matches for you out there. Also, I've been surprised that in all the months you've been talking, he hasn't made it to see you...because frankly, it's not all that expensive if you can drive, and it seems like he's always got one excuse after another.

Anyways...did I post on here what my daughter said a few months back? She had asked if we could have another kid, because "there's room in the middle back here for one more car seat" and I said I probably wouldn't have any more babies, because that takes a dad and I'm not in a relationship, and not many men are up to taking on our wonderful family. Her response, "There's plenty of brave young men out there." It couldn't have been more beautiful to have such wisdom out of her young mouth, and honestly, now that I'm with someone who is so amazing, I can't believe I wasted time with those who were clearly wrong. Because you know in your heart that it would be a mistake to go further with someone so different, you'd always have to struggle about it....and even if he managed to respect your parenting of Owen, he'd probably want to implement his own strategies on any kids you had together...I think there was a thread along that line in step/blended a few months back.

Sorry for the long ramble, just trying to give you courage to listen to your instincts!!
post #54 of 153
Steph: That is a tough call. If he had children of his own and still condoned spanking then I would tell you to let him go, but he's not a parent. He's on the other side of the fence and probably doesn't know the first thing about parenting. I think back to when I was pregnant with DS and all the things I thought. I thought I would NEVER co-sleep, I thought I would "give breastfeeding a try", I planned on vaxing, the list goes on. Then I became a mother and everything changed. I did all the things I didn't think i would. I changed completely as a person. I think a lot of people do.

Sooo, if everything else is great and this guy is willing to do some research and read some parenting books then I think you should give him a chance. Knowledge is power and maybe he just doesn't have enough knowledge about parenting to make educated decisions.
post #55 of 153
I'm supposed to be going to the movies tonight. I've never been out with anyone since we'd been together.

My best friend hooked us up, so I teased and told her that if I so much as see her sneaking into the theater, I'll kill her. But it was sweet of her to try to get me out of my rut.

Wish me luck!
post #56 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jster
Steph, I'd cut him loose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilian
if everything else is great and this guy is willing to do some research and read some parenting books then I think you should give him a chance
And this is where I'm torn. On the one hand I see it as a bigger picture. And I know darn well I can't change someone. Not even going down that road. He would have to WANT to change these things. But on the other hand before I got pregnant I thought spanking was okay and I was all about leaving my future children with grandparents for days/weeks at a time. Never would I have co-slept (though I knew I would try breastfeeding for a few months) Then I got pregnant and the wheels started turning. Even days before ds was born I still wasn't in the whole *no spanking* camp When he was actually born and I looked into his eyes is when my whole parenting thinking went out the window. So I know people can change. I did
post #57 of 153
Mm...I'd go with "loose" too. More because of the non-visiting. He's a guy on his own; guys who actually want to see a woman manage it. They just go. If there's footdragging this early on, ya know....But also because of the "just make him stop" thing. Again, not even so much because of the POV, but because he's OK with sitting, there with no kids, telling a mother how to manage her special-needs child. There's just a certain lack of awareness, there.

Fwiw.
post #58 of 153
man, I am still not divoced all the way. just:

I'd avoid the spankers unless they were willing to reconsider. Maybe not being around children much could mean he really hasn't thought about it carefully.
post #59 of 153
Haven't been on here for a while (b/c of issues with my kids' dad seeing me posting here...) but wanted to comment, Steph. With the spanking, and him having no kids, I'd rather see him step back and say, "You know much more than I do in this department." But, it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he was willing to think about the situation and do some research. But, mama40's dddc is correct: she is a lightbulb moment inspiring mama. 8 months and no visit... well, it doesn't cost that much to come a few states over. I wouldn't end anything, but just try to remain objective. Good luck!

Well, now that I'm not so scared of posting : , I wanted to share that I had a date. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately??) there was noooooooo attraction. Maybe next time.
post #60 of 153
Well, the date was nice. He was funny and insightful, but I HATED his beard. It was just too much. I didn't feel like I could really see his face, you know.

It was just a HUGE distraction. But the point is, I actually left my home for a DATE!
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