Why does everyone insist I'll be a quaking flower after the birth?

[phoebemommy]

Seriously, midwives, chiropractor, inlaws, everybody keeps fretting over it. I can't tell you how many times I've verified how many meals I've frozen, that no, we don't really have a support network in this town, how many days off work DH is taking, that yes, my mom's coming up but I may have a week or two between DH off work and her plane ticket, that yes, I've heard of post-partum doulas and meal services and will call one if I feel like I need one, that I know I don't need to worry about doing the dishes or cleaning the house for a while when the baby is born. I've heard: "you'll be soooooooooooooo tired"... "you'll be soooooooooooooo needy"... "you won't want to be left alone for one minute."

Now, okay, I don't rule it out that birth could wipe me out. Sure, maybe I'll be needy, it could happen. And I fully admit that I have no idea how my life's about to change. But in general it's just not my personality to tremble and wilt when life gets hard. I LIKE doing things on my own. I LIKE challenges. I LIKE being left by myself to figure out what to do. And I DO have DH, and we take good care of each other. I understand that people mean well, but they're really bugging me. I feel great, confident, calm, healthy, and then people have to get all doubty on me, and it irks me so much I can't sleep and have to come post a thread. Thank god for my mom, who says I'll probably be like her, and have more energy than I know what to do with, and will want all the helpy people to go away. I don't know if she's right, but I appreciate one vote of confidence in a world of naysayers.

Okay, needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[amybw]

You can do it!!
Just tell them you appreciate the advice and will let them know what they can do. Or better, tell them you need their help now to mop the floor, clean windows, grocery shopping, etc... :

When i had DS1 I had a c-section so DH had to do laundry, and dishes, but we were fine. He was home for 2 weeks and i was ready for him to be gone. Then my MIL came over the next day and we got some visitors. The visitors were more stressful than baby! ( Well, we had serious bfing issues, but putting that aside, the baby was no problem!) I wanted to sleep and be left alone to be a scum ball in my sweats and tshirts! I didnt want to haev to be fresh and showered and all for company.

But just so you know, if you do need someone, dont hesitate to ask or talk here or something. PPD is serious.


Amy

[2 in August]

In all likelyhood, you will be fine. I ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days, so when I got home, dh only had 2 days left at home with us and we were fine. I'm a do it myself type person too and I managed. Just remember to rest when baby sleeps, my baby helped with that because she wouldn't sleep if I put her down. So we camped out on the couch together and slept. Like Amy said if you feel like you need help ask for it, but you probably be just fine.

[ColoradoMama]

They sound so silly to me. Yes, you'll be tired. Yes, you MAY be needy. But goodness - what is the newborn going to need from you - diapers changes and nursing. The rest of the time you can rest and recuperate and you might just want people to LEAVE YOU ALONE. Having done this three times already - they are going a little overboard. You'll be great.

[~Megan~]

Sure you could do it but you'll be a lot better off and heal faster if you let others do it for you.

[magpiedee]

I know what you mean... it's like people forget that humans have been giving birth for millions of years and are, in fact, created and programmed to do so! I feel like it's going to be an exhausting but entirely natural event, and i'm ready to go with the flow of it... but others seem to think it is an unnatural and risky event, and that I just won't be able to cope. Yeah, guys, because i've broken down so many times before and crashed under pressure. : Ha!

We are beautiful, powerful birthing machines, and I can't wait to see and explore a new side of my body, mind and heart... not to mention this entirely new person that's going to be here soon!

[rebeccalizzie]

Here's what I think. I think I'll be tired and wiped out. I think there is an excellent chance I'll be sore, and that I won't feel like cooking. And i really think my house will be a disaster, meaning I won't want to have anyone over!

But honestly...DH will be home. Even if he weren't, he's home for a few hours a day and can bring home take out or he'll cook. We really are capable of feeding ourselves even if I'm not cooking, I live in a big city with about 150 million restaurants, most of which do take out. My mom will bring us a few meals, my sister will probably do one or two, and we can scrounge something for the rest. I don't want a bunch of people in my house while I'm learning how to bf and am sore and leaky!

[Nora'sMama]

I'm not in your DDC but saw this in New Posts and had to chime in.

You might very well breeze through the postpartum period without a care in the world! However, you would be unusual. The reason people are saying all these things to you is that, while every woman's experience is different, it is very common for giving birth/caring for a newborn/experiencing postpartum hormonal shifts/learning to nurse/adjusting to life with a baby to be a LOT to handle. And that is totally normal! It's a lot of huge changes in a very short period of time.

It's not about being a wilting flower, or crumbling under pressure. It's about going through a physically challenging experience (yes we are designed to do it! but it is still a challenging experience) and then adjusting to a new life at a time when our hormones are as wacky as they've ever been in our life. There are predictable issues that come up with almost everyone in the postpartum period, and those who have BTDT have a good idea of what supports to have in place beforehand to make things a little easier.

I felt exactly like you did and was very surprised by how hard the immediate postpartum period was. I am NOT saying you will have my experience, but I don't think it's wise to assume that the majority of women who are telling you about how challenging things can be are just "wilting flowers" and that because you are somehow different you will not have these challenges. You might, you might not. I didn't have a hard time because I am weak, or because of a lack of trust in my body. I had a hard time because it's a lot of changes in a short period of time and giving birth is a major life event, both physically and mentally.

So, allow yourself to be cared for in the postpartum period. You might not "need" it strictly speaking but it is awfully nice to just lie in bed and focus on breastfeeding your little baby while everyone else takes care of the mundane tasks of life for a little while.

It's a big transition, but also a beautiful one! I felt so many different feelings in the postpartum period...mostly so happy, but also exhausted and surprisingly overwhelmed (surprisingly because I had done SO MUCH preparation). I am glad that I had the support that allowed me to recover from the birth and make a smooth transition to being a mother without having to worry about "getting back to normal" (which, by the way, never happens!).

Congrats on your upcoming birth!

[secretresistance]

I'm so glad to have read this! I have felt intensely private about my labor/birth and babymoon since well before I was even pregnant. I'm comfortable when I consider DP and I here with our baby. The only trouble comes in when people want to tell me how much help I will require. The thing is, if I need or want help, that's when I'll ask for it. I don't want to be doubting myself all along. I just have to try and stop worrying about how little I'm worrying!

[phoebemommy]

I think that's the thing -- I'm a go with the flow person, too. I don't have it all figured out, and I don't have too high of expectations for myself, but until I struggle, I don't want to be focused on the struggle, I want to hope for the best. I don't deny that it's going to be difficult after the birth, perhaps the most difficult thing I've ever encountered, but I'm looking forward to it, and I'll take each moment as it comes! I just don't want to be prepped for PPD before I'm even there, you know?

[peilover010202]

mama, I understand what you are saying. When I had my ds, dh and I lived across the country from all of our family. My mom came and stayed for 3 weeks and helped only with household chores and cooking. But since she was there, I felt the need to entertain her - so there were FAR too many times that I didn't nap with ds when I should have, just to keep her company.

My mom helped out so much during those first 3 weeks, but I was really ready for her to go home so that ds and I could start our own routine. Sure, meals were a little more difficult to come by, mostly because dh's work schedule was wonky, so I really had to depend on myself - but hey, that's what takeout is for!

Honestly though, I do think you can expect to be more hormonal after the birth. I was all over the place and it was nice to be able to just vent to someone (of course, that's what we're here for too!)

[Nora'sMama]

I just wanted to add that it isn't about doubting yourself, or other people doubting you. Unquestionably, you will do great!

But you won't be a "wilting flower" or somehow weak if you need help. It's like any major life transition. It's helpful to have support. If you really don't need support, then you don't. And of course you don't want to assume that problems will happen. But I don't think people are assuming you'll have problems, and even if they were, that wouldn't be the same as assuming you would "wilt". They are just expecting that you might need a little assistance during this time, and offering it - you don't have to accept, but it doesn't mean they doubt you.

It's like - imagine you were moving cross-country, by yourself, had to do all the packing, driving, unpacking, etc. Of course you could do it yourself. But if someone offered to help you out (by driving the truck, for instance) it wouldn't mean that they doubted your ability to do the task - it would just mean that they appreciated the challenges posed by the task and wanted to help make it easier for you, if possible. Does that make sense?

I just don't like the whole "wilting flower", "crashed under pressure" language! It is natural to give birth and it is also natural and traditional to be cared for by others while you recover and get to know your new baby. It is not the sort of thing where strong women don't need help and weak women do. I hope I am expressing what I'm trying to say in a way that makes sense.

[phoebemommy]

Nora'sMama --
I posted my reply while you were posting yours so I hadn't read it yet... What you say does make sense, and I think I'm just feeling defensive, which is why I resort to the "quaking flower" language. I keep having the experience of feeling fine, great in fact, better than I've felt in my life, and then I go to the midwife or chiropractor and they notice some slight anomoly and there's fretting about it and a seed of doubt planted in my head. Or like, my MIL was here, and if I would so much as sigh deeply she'd frantically ask me if I was okay. I'm just not used to having so many people in my business and no way shield myself from them, since I'm all huge.

[momto l&a]

Not in your birth club but from my own experience we NEVER needed anybody to help us. Need help with WHAT is my question???

Dh usually took a month of but we ended up going stir crazy before he went back to work. Just nothing for us to do.

It helpful if you already have kids to help keep them busy or take them out every so often to stave off cabin fever cause you know they don't want to lay around and take naps all the time

But if it your first IMO you'll be perfectly OK!

I hate being treated like a wilting flower.

I find it more unrestful/disturning to have people in my house than to need help.

[wednesday]

I felt exactly like you did and was very surprised by how hard the immediate postpartum period was. I am NOT saying you will have my experience, but I don't think it's wise to assume that the majority of women who are telling you about how challenging things can be are just "wilting flowers" and that because you are somehow different you will not have these challenges.

:

I'm very much a go-with-the-flow person, I had no worries about the PP period at all prior to having my son. I didn't even have a particularly difficult birth. However the next few weeks were VERY difficult. First of all my left hand went completely numb during labor and sensation never returned until I finally had surgery a month later to relieve carpal tunnel pressure. Kind of a freak thing, doesn't happen to most people, but it left me barely able to change a diaper.

Second thing that happened was DS had pretty bad jaundice, which is not uncommon, and the treatment for that is to nurse as frequently as possible--waking the baby every 2 hours and keeping them awake long enough to nurse at least a little bit, round the clock. Getting him awake enough to nurse meant getting out of bed, undressing him, taking his diaper off, tickling his feet, etc., getting him latched on (no easy task, we had latch issues as well), and trying to keep him awake and sucking for a minimum of 5 minutes. This whole process took anywhere from 15-30 minutes, minimum, and I was supposed to start over again just 2 hours from when the prior feeding STARTED, not when it ended...leaving me all of an hour at best to sleep in between. Of course I would just lie there unable to fall asleep and fretting about when the alarm was going to go off again. Do you know what just a week or two of almost complete sleep deprivation does to you? "Exhausted" doesn't describe it at all, more like "hallucinating and mentally unbalanced." (Honestly if I had thought formula was OK he would have been on it by about the 4th day, just so someone else could feed him and I could get some sleep...but lucky for him the thought literally never occurred to me. Maybe I was too tired! )

I'm not telling you these details to scare you--and I sincerely hope that you have an easier PP experience than I did. But my experience is not all that unusual, I don't think, and if I were a friend of yours asking about your PP support arrangements it would NOT be because I thought YOU were a wimp.

[Katiemare]

Originally Posted by Nora'sMama

It is not the sort of thing where strong women don't need help and weak women do.

Right on-- and a strong woman _asks_ for help when she wants it.

For me--I know I will need help with DS and the dog. I've been so hormonal this past week that I have a feeling I won't have PPD, (fingers crossed) that was how it was with DS as well.

[BetsyS]

I'm glad that many of you have responded...

When I first read this post this AM, I thought "wow, she has it all together," and "what is wrong with ME?"

I know I'll need help. I know that I'll cry and be an emotional mess. I can feel it starting already. I'm very much a go with the flow, it's all good, sort of person, but there's this little baby that is coming home with me, to live here FOREVER. Add that to the hormones, the physical-ness, and the lack of sleep, and I'm happy for whatever help anyone wants to offer.

My mother says, oh, you'll be back to normal in a week or two....Don't overprepare....you'll want to get out of the house. I'm thinking....oh, no, I won't. Please come help me. ROFL

[phoebemommy]

Hi everybody...

I feel like I should apologize for coming on kind of strong with this thread in my angsty sleepless state when I posted. I so didn't mean to imply that anyone who wants or needs help is weak, and I haven't ruled out the fact that I may need more help than I have already lined up. I don't feel like I'm too good for help or that I have to be a tough chick about it, I just want the opportunity for my unique experience to unfold so that I can get what I actually need, not what people think I need.

[AmieV]

I think if you have some kind of help/support available, then that's cool. You don't have to be mentally down on yourself or be thinking it's going to be awful to set up some support for the "just in case" scenarios. I'm not going to run them all down because I don't want to plant seeds of doubt, but I'd have the names of some LLL leaders or LC's handy (if you haven't already been to a meeting) because breastfeeding can be very challenging in the beginning (it wasn't for me) and that's the main thing you want to "need" to get down. Or if you know of any postpartum doulas, just have their names and numbers available in case things are harder than you think. I will say I LOVED having my mom around the first few days because I barely remembered to change DD's diaper and couldn't figure out how to get myself fed, and my husband was tired and overwhelmed also. But she left in under a week and it was nice to have the time to ourselves. We just ate a lot of takeout.

[LdyBluNH@aol]

the one thing that made life bearable was when i told dh to have easy cook food avail to me while he was gone. if it couldn't be assembled in less than two minutes i wasnt interested in it. that's a very cool thing dad can do that has direct impact on baby (well fed/well hydrated mom can feed baby!)