long sad vent
Crap! I just wrote a ton and then it disappeared. Im sorry this is more me me me, I just dont know where else to turn.
I am living in a nightmare. This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Im sorry to sound dramatic, but its real. I was happy, hopeful, joyful before this. I was getting through mourning and feeling optimistic. Then this, and everything turned 180. I never had gut issues in my life. I cant believe Im here. I take abx for a week, start to notice my tummy doing wierd things, and feeling not quite right, and read about candida, and now Im almost despondent. I know, die-off right
Headeache and lethargy, not b/c you've just stopped eating all carbs coffe and chocolate; die-off. Depression and anxiety, not b/c the life you loved is gone; die-off. My head is spinning. I am incredibly afraid. I feel like this has taken over my life and I will never get myself back. My relationship with Dh is being sorely tested - as he is skeptical; would like me to eat some carbs and see if I get a reaction, which would either prove to me that Im acting out of fear or to him that somehting is going on, and I am completely acting in fear. I am borderline having a constant anxiety attack. What the hell just happened to my life!!? I didnt come to this with allergies or gut problems. Before I got pg I was having a great life - being in the moment, felling really healthy and strong, appreciating all I have. I am having SUCH a hard time believeing that this could happen in 2 weeks, and yet I do. Why? Because I match many of the vague descriptors. My *symptoms* were there for 4 days before I started making changes, so if you consider the *one month for every year of being sick* theory, I should be healed by now right
: Instead Ive tacked on the whole time of being pregnant, since the last time I actuially felt physically vital was right before we conceived, so that would put me at 2 mos and a few days of symptoms (which I didnt actually have, Im just rounding up), and then I just round up to 3 mos for the hell of it, which would put me at 10 days to *heal*. I havent had many symtoms during this week, except headache/lethargy the first two days, EXCEPT anxiety. But some moments, when I decide, ok, this is what it is, I just need to get on a protocal for say, 3 mos, I CAN have my life back, I just need to eradicate this stuff, or regain balance in my gut, I dont feel any *symtoms*. All the things I feel at this point could be very easily attributed to anxiety, and if I didnt know anything about candida, thats what I would think. But now my judgement, my instincts are thrown b/c I am scared. What if...? And then I come here and you are all so happy to be doing what you're doing. It's healed you, or is healing you! I didnt ever feel bad! And yes, maybe I had issues that this is bringing forward, but frankly, if I felt great and had hidden things happening in my body, I dont really care. Im one of the most health conscious people I know, but especially about sugar in the diet! How ironic can you get! Last night I took dd and ds to a potluck for dd's summer class. I ate nothing, and watched everyone socializing happily and enjoying a nice meal and playing with their kids, and I was starving and isolated and depressed (though putting on my act for the kids - who are my only source of joy. They and Dh. But I feel like a huge weight on this family, dragging us down. Maybe if I wasnt so hungry and weak, I dont know). I go between resignation, denial (maybe if I did eat some carbs like Dh thinks, it would be ok), and total anxiety and sadness and isolation. I cant talk about it with anyone, as they all suspect Im having a panic attack (or I imagine they do). I WISH there was a medical professional I could talk to about this who I trusted wasnt a hoo-ha and I could figure out if anything really is amiss. Where are they? How do you find someone who's scientific about this!
What does healed mean? When you say your healed, what does that mean? if I never had gut/allergy/etc trouble in my LIFE before this odd week after taking abx, it seems like I need to regain a balance in my gut and then I can return to a life that always worked for me. But then I read of how pernicious this stuff is, and I feel like I have a chronic illness and my life has just been pulled out from under me. I certainly have in mind "happiness is a choice" and "breast cancer fears me" as I write. I KNOW how I might sound. But really, right now, I just dont care. I have to talk to SOMEONE about how I feel or I WILL go insane. Why does every *success* story involve nystatin, and why dont I take it (oh right, b/c Im not even sure whats going on, but Im afraid eneough to starve my self this week and not want to cheat for fear of going "back to square one" as someone said on candidasupport, which is a very frightening place to be). Im ready to call Trent Nichols b/c of ericaz's experience, Im ready to have my Dh write me a scrip for nystatin even though I dont totally trust myself in all this (he's more ready to do the same to make me feel psychologically better). But even as I say that I think of a study he pulled up for me where two groups were given either nystatin or a placebo and both recovered from cadida overgrowth. That's just it, I dont know who to trust. You all sound so joyful and commited in this way of life, and that's great, but I dont want it! I loved my life as it was. I dont see this as an opportunity, and I really dont htink its just a bad attitude. I HAD the health I wanted. I always have. Now my tongue has a thin white coating and Im freaked! Im whittling away, eating spoonfuls of coconut oil (gag), choking down more meat and fat than I can stand just to stem the weightloss, scared, alone...
I dont know what Im looking for here. Not how lucky I am, or how this is a gift. Its not for me. Its very bleak at my house these days and Im looking for a light. I want my life back! I want my joy back! I want my kids and Dh back! I want my SELF back!!! please help
(I hope this didnt offend anyone. I do respect all that you now and have been through. I just dont feel like I belong. But then where do I
Thanks for listening!