A rant on the unfairness of it all...

[LittleLilly]

Sorry in advance if this irks some people... but I'm feeling really irked right now too.

It just KILLS me when I read posts by women who have one, two, sometime three or more healthy, beautiful children and are complaining about having trouble ttc another!!! I can't be the only one out there who's in her mid-30s (I'm 33) and trying for NUMERO UNO. Every time I read one of these posts (and I'm not saying it's just here... I'm on a couple other fertility-boards too), I want to scream. I would be ECSTATIC to have just one at this point!

Am I the only one who feels this way? Please tell me I'm not, because I feel so mean just writing this post... but I just had to get it off my chest. It hurts so much.

[blueridgewoman]

My two cents is that infertility brings out some feelings that (at least for me) shock me. After my miscarriage this past month, I have just been feeling so angry too (I'm TTC #1)- angry at pregnant women, angry at women with babies, angry at women who have children, angry at baby ads. Just angry and resentful. I find myself judging who is a bad parent in the grocery store and then obsessing over why they get a child and I don't.

There is a woman ob resident in my RE's practice, and I remember ranting at SO about why she really shouldn't have taken this rotation, because it was just cruel to us, etc. I was so furious at her, and I knew that my feelings were irrational, but...

I know its not healthy at all, and I seriously think that this is one of the darkest secrets of women TTC or women who have miscarried. The anger and resentment. I would guess that you probably know your feelings are coming from a place of pain.

And you know, the hormones and fertility drugs don't really help. :

[Dena]

And you know what? Everything that you are feeling now will just come right back when it is time for you to ttc number two or three or however many children you decide you want. This whole process sucks, no matter whether you have no children or six. If you want more children, the feelings of longing, the feelings of lonliness and being defective in the face of a society that throws away human life as if it were worthless are all the same.

I felt much like you are feeling before I had dd, and I used to say, if I could just have one, I would never be unhappy or ungrateful ever again, and I was so clearly wrong, because here I am feeling the same feelings of longing for another baby. And now my feelings are compunded by feeling guilty and greedy for wanting two when some of my dear friends are still trying for their first, and when I should just be grateful for having this one and fade away and enjoy my life. But I think it is normal to want more than one, and just because I am cursed with infertility does not mean I am not entitled to normal feelings.

I'm sorry if we on this board who have children already are upsetting you by wanting more. In a fair world, everyone would be able to conceive easily, but nothing about this world is fair or just. But please please try to understand that we are all hurting too, and it is no better or worse for us than it is for you, just different.

[AllyRae]

Yikes, ouch. Um, infertility sucks @$$ no matter HOW many kids you have. I have one kid but have been trying for over 2 YEARS to bring a second sibling home for Brandon. Yeah, I guess being able to get pregnant is one thing, but it doesn't mean jack crap if you have to bury that baby 2 days after birth and then start fertility drugs because your body has revolted. Sorry, but I don't feel that it's fair to be hurtful about secondary infertility--you know, ANY infertility sucks. I think it pretty much sucks to have the promise of a baby dangled right in front of your face and then have it ripped away at birth only to have to go through secondary IF afterwards... I don't think it's a matter of "who's situation sucks worse"...it's "ALL OF THIS SUCKS".

[Momof3Labs]

It's really easy to get sucked into the "my situation is worse than yours" mentality when you are struggling with infertility. I thought, too, that it wouldn't bother me after I had one, but the struggle to have a second was almost worse for me since it was even harder for us to get pregnant the second time than the first (both were with IF treatment, it just took a lot longer the second time). And it was harder to find the support I needed when ttc #2.

Secondary infertility is tough because we are caught between two worlds - those with PIF (who usually feel the way you do - you are NOT alone!!) and the uber-fertile. Yet we are all longing for the baby that belongs in our arms but is not there.

So, I send hugs to you. I KNOW how hard it is; I've been there. But know that there is nothing about infertility that is easy no matter where you are in family-building; it sucks that our body ends up dictating our family size rather than our heart.

[kristenok18]

My best friend just had her baby 2 months ago in her second IVF attempt, after ttc for 5 years. Dh and I are also experiencing secondary infertility, for 2 years now. My friend and I could talk about alot of fertility issues together, but there were times when she felt as you do now. Those times were hard on us both, because we are both hurting SO much, but I can't know her pain and she didn't understand mine. As hard as that is, we both understand that these feelings run deeper than our rational minds can reach, and no matter how much we want to "think" these feelings away, they don't always cooperate.

Kristen

[Tinkerbell1177]

As humans I guess it is a natural emotion to fall into a rut of resentment, but you can't be mad at those who have children because it is not their fault you do not have children. Matter of fact it is no ones! It is a really s*cky situation unfortunately many people have to endure. I will tell anyone this with that mentality, IVF is about HOPE, POSITIVITY and a REAL DEDICATION and DESIRE to be a MOTHER! Once you take your energy and divert it to other people and other people's situations you are taking away from your own free will to devote positivity into your own IF issues. I found IF is hurtful and can bring out the worst in us.


I want more children and I know NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES I WILL OBTAIN that goal. I refuse to let anyone tell me I am less deservant of having a child since I already have children. I will not stop until I get what I want and you to should feel the same way. My 1st fresh cycle was a chemical pregnancy. I have taken my time and devotion to look into every aspect of trying to obtain a H&H pregnancy. I read and read and lok for alternatives to higher my chances of a very successful FET in SEPTEMBER. I know in my heart it will work and if God Willing it didn't you better bet your buns I will come out fighting and looking to start IVF #2, Why? Because I am a fighter.

Please don't give up hope. Ivf is a bitter sweet experience and you will get your baby one way or another!

[pumpkin]

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm still TTC #1. Going on 6 years now (though on and off because I have had to prevent during certain dangerous health episodes). I respect that people TTC #2+ have the right to rant, but I must admit that at the same time it seems unfair when we still have completely empty arms.

[YankeeMomInVA]

It's more than a "right to rant" that those of us who are TTC#2+ need. I think what each and every one of us here (ttc #1, #2, etc) needs is to have a supportive group of women who will validate the feelings that so many people without fertility problems can't understand. We need to find a sense of community to help better maneuver us through the heartache that is infertility.

This isn't about "my pain is greater than yours". That's not how we support each other.

I will embrace you LittleLilly and say that I am sorry you are hurting so much. I hope that you get your wish for that baby.....just as I hope for everyone one of us on here.

[Tinkerbell1177]

I think YankeeMomInVA the nail rigght on the head. This Forum should be for Support not the demoralizing of others or their blessings. I know not only do I come to look for support, but offer mine as well!

[Jenny1231]

I am also TTC #1 and although I do at times feel jealous and angry I don't feel that women with children already should just be content with what they have. I agree with YankeeMomInVA with everything and that is why I joined this board very recently. I also wanted to add that is impossible for me to understand the pain that women who are TTC #2 are feeling when last month I couldn't have anticipated all the pain I would feel that I do now. Until last month when my doc told me when I was starting my 1st IVF cycle, I really and truely thought I would conceive naturally. I had no idea of half the devastation and hoplessness that I would feel now. I can't possibly put myself in anyone else's shoes.

On the other hand it sucks to hear that an aquaitance of mine is pregnant ..."by accident" for #2 and to see the undeserving people who either abuse or neglect their children. But I know that something good comes with this pain that I have. And that is why I'm on this board. I need support and there is no one better to get it from than the women who actually have been in my shoes.

[skydancer]

Degress of infertility

Although I am fairly new to posting on these boards, I am not new to infertility. I don't think it is productive to view infertility as having different degrees of severity. Every woman's experience is different. You can always break things down more (that is what the individual threads are for). If you feel that you would like to discuss primary infertility with others that are going through only that, start a thread that is specifically geared to that.

On this site, I have never seen a woman going through IVF complain that the clomid users have it so easy, and the clomid users don't seem to think they have it worse than the people struggling with low sperm counts. To me, the complaint that secondary infertility is easier than primary infertility is the same type of deal. Either way, it stinks and we are all hurt, angry, frustrated, etc.

I would also like to offer my support for all that you are going through, but please don't diminish the feelings of others. Every woman should be able to have as many or as few children as she likes and I feel for anybody who has had that choice torn from them because of infertility.

to everybody here going through this.

[lizette]

Wow, I think the title of your post really says it.... It is unfair for us ALL! But you know what- life is just not fair and there's nothing you can do about it. It doesn't make your life any better or help you in any way to be angry and hurtful to others. In fact, I would contend that it will actuall hurt you in the long run.

All of us here understand your pain. We've all been through it and it is not any easier after we've been successful once. Please know that we are here to support you if you want our support, but like the earlier poster said, if you just cannot deal with those of us that have children already then try starting a new forum for those who have remained unsuccessful. I'm not sure what you'd get from that other than misery loves company though.

Lastly, you should know that it is perfectly normal for a couple to try for up to 12 months before they have a successful pregnancy and they are not considered to have fertility issues. I notice from your post that you have been TTC since Jan of this year and you've actually conceived once although miscarried. I'm not sure you even have fertility issues. Please note that I am not trying to diminish your frustration in any way. I know that 7 months can seem like forever, but you are still really well within the range of normal fertility.

Anyway, hugs to you. Hang in there and keep trying.

[May-lily]

I don't know the pain of secondary infertility but I'm sure it's very real, my sister went through it.
I know the pain of primary infertility though and I often felt the same way about wanting a more exclusive thread. Sorry if it's not nice, or PC, or even desirable in the long run. I think it's a perfectly legitimate feeling. I felt the same way about m/c's. Like someone who has not had one just cannot understand...

Anyways, Littlelilly, there is some truth in what Lizette said, you're still well within the range. But I am sorry for your loss and I remember when 8 months felt like forever. Hang in there and good luck.

Last, I found the comment :"Everything that you are feeling now will just come right back when it is time for you to ttc number two or three or however many children you decide you want" really hurtful. I think it's much more productive and kind to acknowledge IF can lead to feelings we're not proud of and it's brave to open up and discuss them.


Good luck to all of you.

M

[LittleLilly]

Wow... I think my original post was really misunderstood here! Maybe I didn't get my point across very clearly.

I'm NOT, BY ANY MEANS, trying to diminish the feelings of those women who want another child or two or three or even eighteen (well, maybe eighteen...)!! I was just trying to vent how it FEELS TO ME (and hopefully get validation from other women feeling the same way) to see those posts, when there are so many of us just hoping for one, single, successful pregnancy. That's all.

I wasn't trying to be devisive. I wasn't trying to be hurtful or hateful (as some have said). I was just putting my point of view out there in the hopes that others might have the cojones to say, "yes, you're not the only one."

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by May-lily

I don't know the pain of secondary infertility but I'm sure it's very real, my sister went through it.
I know the pain of primary infertility though and I often felt the same way about wanting a more exclusive thread. Sorry if it's not nice, or PC, or even desirable in the long run. I think it's a perfectly legitimate feeling.

Sure, it's legitimate, but at the same time, it can also be very hurtful. I mean, we've been TTC far longer than the OP, but I don't think her pain is any less than mine. That's like saying that there should be a separate forum for people who have late term losses because the pain is different than having a miscarriage. You can be supportive without knowing exactly how someone feels. The pain of not having a wanted child is still crushing, no matter how long you've tried and how many obsticals have come in your path... I feel your pain...it may not be the same pain, but I know that you must be upset and frusterated and sad because I feel those same things...

[AdinaL]

Let's remember to be respectful. There is room for all stories and all experiences. Just remember, there is a person on the other end of the computer who may be hurt by what you say. Try and be gentle, even in your venting.

[Dena]

Originally Posted by May-lily

Last, I found the comment :"Everything that you are feeling now will just come right back when it is time for you to ttc number two or three or however many children you decide you want" really hurtful. I think it's much more productive and kind to acknowledge IF can lead to feelings we're not proud of and it's brave to open up and discuss them. M

Well, I certainly wasn't trying to be hurtful, only to point out that, as one who has dealt with primary infertility, and is now dealing with what I guess on this board is called secondary infertility, but what I think of as primary infertility the second time around, I felt the very same things before dd as I am feeling now while trying to conceive a second. Where I was going, and I am sorry, M, that it was misunderstood, was that we are ALL going through the SAME THING, even though we all may be at different points in our respective journeys. Perhaps I allowed my hurt at the OP to show through, and for that I also apologize.

And, Littlelilly, I do understand what you were going for, and, gosh, I certainly have been there, but perhaps there was a gentler way of phrasing it, because I for one was already feeling guilty about wanting a second, and this forum was one of the few places where I felt safe opening up about my longings and the ache in my heart for another baby. I can't even describe the hurt in my heart, then, when I then read that it KILLS you to read something that perhaps I wrote. :

[2blacksheep]

I think anyone ttc #1 and facing infertility will feel a longing and a burning and a sea of emotions that will rob and destroy you. We faced IF for 39 cycles with 2 m/c thrown in for a tease and a torture.

All you have to do is read the threads about 'having' to plan Summer babies and having it work. I would have killed for any baby, let alone a summer baby. I respect why they have the need, but gosh, it's not fair.

What you feel when facing IF is perfectly normal and it sucks. All of it sucks. It sucks in ways no one will understand. IF robs you of your life, of your dreams and hopes and the very essence of your being.

I don't think people understand pain until something so natural, sometihng so EASY for 1 million other women this very month, is impossible for them.

I am a different person for having lived through infertility. I am far more patient and gracious but I'm angry and hateful about IF.

I DID get the take home baby. I got the 42 weeks of pregnancy, the ills, the symptoms, the baby belly and photos. I got a baby who was born somewhat healthy although our life has sucked moreso than I ever imagined life could suck in this past year.

But having the baby didn't heal the pain, and sadly I wish it had.

I don't know the pain of secondary infertility because I'm far too scared to try again but I can't imagine it hurting to the same degree as that intial ache, that intial burning, that echoing betrayal and that wonder of whether there was EVER going to be a child in my life.

To these brave IF soldiers, please fight the good fight. You never know when something wonderful will happen. And I'm so, so, so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair, it does suck and it's nothing you've done 'wrong'.

Best wishes.

[LittleLilly]

Thanks for your story, Jen...

Indeed, BEST wishes to all.