I'm back...

[twins10705]

Well....I'm back. I thought I was officially over the whole PPD thing, but lately the same sort of depression has been creeping back over me. Do you think it is possible to have a second wind and then crash again? I am now almost 10 months pp...

For those of you who aren't familiar with my story, here are my two original threads:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=409340

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=412117

I haven't left dh yet...he is still using his feast or famine argument to keep from helping clean up the house though my emotional/mental state had been better up until a couple of weeks ago. Conditions are better in the new apartment than they were in the old 400sq ft place...and we are down to just one cat...but...the kitchen is a mess and needs some deep cleaning...every single time I put on a pair of rubber gloves to have at it, one or the other baby needs me....by the time 6PM rolls around and dh finally gets home I am so stressed out and on edge that I cannot clean...of course, he can't even watch the babies for 15 minutes while I finish making HIS dinner without them screaming bloody murder which makes me soooo angry. Once again, I'm having violent intrusive thoughts about him....and I am losing patience with the babies -- they hurt me a lot, ripping my hair out kicking me etc and have been screaming so much lately..I can't even have a cup of tea in peace. How do I control my anger...and I was doing so well, now it is back...intrusive thoughts, thoughts of spanking the babies(though I do not of course)...
We cannot have a nasty kitchen -- there has been some signs of mice infestation since the people below us moved out and we've got to keep things clean, kwim? The babies are crawling - the floor needs to be kept as clean as possible. Dh makes it a point to wash only his plate, his fork or spoon and his glass -- from the meal that I prepared for his loser @$$. The does laundry, but doesn't fold it -- the last load he did, he threw the clothes in a corner and the cat pee'd on them. Then, when he found out -- he rubbed the cat's face on it and struck him like 20 times then threw him in the bathroom.

Right now one of my baby's is screaming his bloody head off for me, but I am so sick of it and angry that I am just letting him scream. I am so tempted to just spank him, and I cannot allow that to happen...so here I am feeling horrible typing this out...I just wish he could occupy himself for a few minutes and leave mama alone. His brother had been a monster all morning and I JUST got him to sleep -- now this one won't be quiet...doesn't want to nurse...nothing I do can make him happy and he can't make himself happy. He has kept me up most of the night for the past 4 nights and I am starting to resent him and I don't want to.

I will write more when I can....I've got to get myself together and go hold that screaming baby.

[newcastlemama]

I am so sorry you are going through this...This is probably not new info but you need A LOT of support right now with all you are going through. Can you think of any retired grandmas in your apt building who could come over and help? Also, if you get desperate some cities have emergency baby drop offs where you can leave them to be baby sat while you calm down. Maybe you should live with someone else for a while is dh is going to seemingly not care about your state. Maybe it is time to go visit your family on the other side of the country. If my father heard about my husband treating me like that, I would be on the next plane out!! He needs a WAKE UP call!!!Get dramtic and print up an Andrea Yates story of her being all alone and losing it. I think that it is emotional abuse what he is doing to you and I am pi$$ed on your behalf. Tell dh that if he will not care for his pets, then they will go and be someon'e else's pets.

If you are walking distance from a church sometimes they have counseling and you could even go on Sunday, leave the kids in Sunday School and take a nap in the back during the service. (I am trying to be creative!) Churches also have people who like to help with babies and chores.

I am so glad that you are bing honest about how angry you are...that is so much better than keeping it inside.

I am praying for you and keep posting,
s Jennifer :heart

[<<>>]

((hugs)) lots and lots of hugs,
I am so sorry. Your anger is exactly the same thing that i'm experienceing with my family. So I get it. and I am so sorry....
I really hope things get better for you..

[janebug]

honey, i just want to know i am sending you much much much love and light. please let us know how you are doing. we CARE very very much and are praying for you and your family. things will be ok. they WILL get better.
your babies are beautiful.

[Gale Force]

Not only is it possible that this is a second bout, but these things tend to come in waves and cycles. You feel decent for a while and crash again. You're going to feel decent again and the decent times will get longer and the crappy times will get shorter and then you'll be back to your old self. You've just got to get through the crappy times -- no small thing. This is definitely time to call in any help you can get and focus on getting through each day (each minute) at a time. How are you doing today?