Originally Posted by kindacrunchy
The one thing that has always gotten me is something being non-negotiable. "Hitting should NOT be allowed." So,I feel that I told him and he still does it so now what? If something is non-negotiable, how is that expressed to the child and enforced, and still being gd?
The things that are truly nonnegotiable at my house are the safety of self and others.
I read something on a PD list one time that really made sense to me. With a young child that hits, you usually know that they are going to try to hit. If they hit once, they should never get a second chance to do so. A child that is allowed to hit over and over again, and then told "hitting is not okay" could feel shamed, and start to think of themselves negatively, as someone who hurts others. So I stop those hands and feet when they are coming at me. "I will not let you hit/kick me". Then later when calm, explain (and yes I have had to do this many times over) that it is okay to be upset, sad, irritated, angry, whatever. First give empathy so they feel heard--"you were frustrated because xyz? You were wanting ____?" Then go into Hitting hurts others and is not the best way to handle anger. What could we do (or could child have done) instead to express frustration, and get need met?
It does take longer for kids to get this, because all of the while that we are teaching skills, we are also waiting for them to mature developmentally to the point where they have developed more impulse control. I can see it in my son now (4 yo) that when he feels angry, he raises his hand to hit, and will stop himself and take a step back. I still need to step in and help him and remind him of other strategies. But I can see there is a big change from 6 months ago.
I can think of another safety example. A while ago, ds1 went through a phase where he would scream in the car, at 3 yo. After looking at reasons, it was clear he was screaming to get a reaction and when I asked him to be quiet for his sleeping baby brother. It was so distracting that it was unsafe for me to drive. So I said that there will be no screaming while driving in the car--crying, okay, no outright screaming. When he screamed, I would pull over, and we would all sit there quietly parked by the side of the road. He didn't like this very much. I had to do this 2-3 times. The last time I had to stop 3 times on a 10 minute ride home. But, he doesn't do it anymore. No yelling or threatening, no privileges taken away, just explaining the way it is when we ride in the car.