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If you can't or don't keep a tidy home... - Page 3

post #41 of 47

OMG, I've found MY tribe!!!

My house is the thorn in my side. It's big but small (meaning, many rooms but they are small). I work full-time outside the home (financial/survival necessity), and have 2 kids. DH works long hours and has a long commute. I guess my gripe is that I've become burnt out. (I sense a long vent coming!!) I WOULD like a clean home - everyone around my neighborhood seems to have one no matter how many kids they have, how much they work or whatever. I swear I don't know how they manage. Last summer, starting a couple of days before Labor Day, I worked for 5 days straight and had my house spotless!!! I'm talking windows, curtains, blinds, woodwork - WOOHOO! (BTW, Dh's contribution was to sit in the playroom for one afternoon and direct the kids cleaning up their stuff!) I told DH (and Kids) that this could probably be maintained with everyone spending 15-30 minutes a day doing something (example, I could vacuum while kids pick stuff up, DH could load the dishwasher when he gets home, etc.) Never happened - I did my 30 min. a day but no one else did.....and w/in 2 weeks the place fell apart. I'm most annoyed with DH because 1) he would put all your pack rats to shame!!! One of you mentioned that you gave your Dh a drawer? Mine has rooms!!! Most of the attic, side office and front porch with his collections. Albums, videos, CDs, DVDs, photographs, Beanie Babies (thinks he's going to get rich with them), wind-up toys, Viking statues.....I'm sure I'm missing a couple of things but you get the picture! They're all "collectors items" in his eyes, he stubbornly, STUBBORNLY, refuses to thin out anything. But the worst part is that he continues to accumulate...... 2) He is very sloppy...pours a cup of coffee, slops some on the counter/floor while he's walking away and leaves it there, drops socks/underwear on his side of the bed and leaves it there, pitches clothes towards the hamper and if they hit the floor instead leaves it there, leaves dirty pots/baking dishes on stove or counter and doesn't put soap and water in them to soak, cuts strawberries and leaves the tops laying on counter.... I could go on and on. Yes, I discuss/nag/scream, and he counters with "I was just about to clean that up, you never give me a chance!!" or something like that, but then 98% of the time he doesn't. He occasionally will do something housework related like mop the floor or load the dishwasher, but it's a "flash in the pan". Many, many times I ask for help and if he is doing something that interests him he'll tell me after he's finished he'll help, but if it's time to do something else, then he'll bag my request and do what he has to.

And the kids (2 boys) are copying their dad. They throw their clothes wherever they take them off, leave toys wherever (despite the fact I've issued a "no toys anywhere but playroom/porch/yard edict - I take the toys away if I find them elsewhere and then their dad gives them back...sigh and grrrrr!) I watched my oldest son yesterday walking along opening a band-aid and just dropping the paper on the floor!!! Of course, I called him on it, but you have to understand this is all day every day, I feel all I do is nag, nag, nag everyone. And now I'm just so burnt out (and truly a bit depressed as well) that half the time I don't even do the "lick and a promise". We can't afford a housecleaner or a storage unit for DH's junk. I'm truly at my wits end.

Wow, I'm sorry this turned into a lecture/tirade, but it feels a bit of a relief to get this out....
post #42 of 47
wow, erikandgregsmom's rant is about what I said yesterday to myself all day. for some reason yesterday was the tipping point and the mess was just too much. piles of junk all over, the floor in the kitchen was caked with dirt and covered in cat food-- what kind of idiot would put a white floor in a kitchen?

I cleaned the floor and put some stuff away, and after a while dh noticed and helped pick up his stuff and put the laundry out on the line for me. what made me laugh/steam was that when I commented on what a pigstye it was, he said "Are you asking me to help?" Seems I have to spell it out nice and clear and slow, but he does come through (sometimes) when he sees just how crazy it makes me.

My parents were not fanatical cleaners, but we had a big house and not a lot of stuff. His parents, on the other hand, had mountains of crud everywhere -- and I do mean mountains. I've ranted about this before, so I'll contain myself here and just say that it was REALLY bad and took weeks to clear when they moved into a retirement home. My partner is also a hoarder, all paper and old ragged clothes, and his habits are exactly those of erikandgregsmom's partner -- the clothes dumped on the floor right next to the basket, the coffee slops, the bandaid bits tossed on the floor. Piles everywhere that never get sorted. When I lived alone, I never had much of a mess; when I use something, I put it away. It just never occurs to me not to. When dp uses something, he just leaves it there. It just never occus to him to do it.
That Flylady is really something else when she advises people (women, in her worldview) not to act like martyrs and make a fuss about this, but to lead by example. Things have gradually shifted around here because frankly I'm not willing to martyr myself by shutting up and putting up with my partner's bad habits. I say yeah, let them know that they are driving you crazy. If you yell all the time, they just tune you out, but asking in a reasonable way, even if you are on the verge of hysteria, for the kids and the hubby to give you 15 minutes right now to put a dent in it sometimes works around here.
post #43 of 47
I felt this way for a while, but you what, everyone seems comfortable at my house...it's plenty cluttered, but not filthy...unless dust is dirty, then ok, it's dirty...I just call it dusty...but hey, those are just places we don't really use!!)....and I figure if people can come into my cluttered home with our science projects on the kitchen counter (not dishes, real science projects..right now waiting on a sphinx moth coccoon to be a moth)...then hey, we can really be friends. I only have so much time and energy in a day and I choose to spend it with my family and friends, not inanimate objects keeping up apperances!!

post #44 of 47
Originally Posted by MCatLvrMoMof2
I have days were I sit and cry and stay depressed over it. My mom and dad have made it clear they are disapointed in me with how I do or more accuratly dont do in the house. My dad has went so far as to offer to come and help me clean

I feel like I missed out of the cleaning gene.
Might you be depressed? We all have days when we look around and think "Good heavens, what a pit!" but to sit around and cry all day over it isn't that common, I don't think. And if you are depressed, that's a big reason you may find it all so overwhelming. The important thing to remember is to not let your shame/embaraassment get in the way of fixing things so you feel better about them. For example, why not let your Dad help you? It's humbling, but it's so much easier to do when you have company, and the house is easier to maintain once it's on track, and seeing the kind of space you have will inspire you to keep it up, even if it's not "in your nature" (and belive me, it's not in mine, either -- I just got to the point where the joy of having a clean organized house outweighed my life-long hatred of housekeeping/cleaning). It's not a moral issue, it's just a personality trait, and nothing to be ashamed of, but it seems like if it makes you have that many bad days, you might want to get some one-time or occasional help to keep things at a level you're more comfortable with.

I'm not a smiley kind of person, but if I were, this is where I'd put that huggy one.
post #45 of 47
Just thought I'd join you. My parents do their cleaning every Friday-my mom does certain rooms and my dad does certain rooms. When my brother and I still lived there we took turns doing dishes and had other household chores. These days their house looks a little cluttered because they have a lot of toys for my boys (we only live 5 min away). My mom tells me, though, that she didn't worry about her house when my brother and I were little. It's good that my parents are understanding. I used to clean like crazy when mil came to visit, but these days I just do a quick once over. She is judgemental and, as someone else mentioned, is always asking if she can do anything for me around the house or watch the boys while I get stuff done. When my parents offer, I know they're being nice. When she offers, I know she's looking down on me. That said, dh and I both would rather not be so disorganized and have so much clutter, but we can't seem to help it. Ds1 tries to help my clean sometimes, but has a short-lived interest and starts making new messes. Dh works a lot and I don't expect too much of him. He is much better at getting cleaning done quickly and thoroughly when he has a chance, though. In the time it would take me to sit and go through every piece of paper on the kitchen counter and decide what to keep and where to keep it, he would be done cleaning the whole kitchen. I'm not fond of housekeeping/cleaning. I'm not good at organizing. We have toys and books and mail and such everywhere. I do wish I could have one of those people that someone mentioned from the diy shows come in and show me how to organize my house, but I wouldn't want to be on tv!
post #46 of 47
babybun--are you a SAHM? Married? I do understand it's possible to love your kids, be a great attachment parent, AND have a clean, orderly house. If you have someone to help you. CERTAINLY not if you work outside of home, full time. That's the boat I'm in. If I'm wrong, and you do work, PLEASE tell me what you're secret is!!

I never cared that much about order and tidyness. My room was always messy, except when I couldn't go out til I cleaned it, and since leaving the nest I have let the housework slide while I enjoyed my baby/toddler. That is how I always thought it was best--I'm never going to regret having a cluttered bedroom or cobwebs on the ceiling, but I know I'll regret not enjoying my son to the fullest.

Recently, a clean house has become very important to me. I have a very real phobia to certain insects. Very soon after moving into my current apartment, I found I had cockroaches. I had been keeping this place much cleaner than my old place, and at my old place I saw maybe 1 or 2 roaches the entire 10 months I lived there. Now, my landlord is telling me it must be me (read my previous post), and my dad is telling me as long as I don't have food or water out, I should be fine. (Dad works for a pest elim. company) He (Dad) just now told me clutter is just as much a factor. I must have misunderstood him before, but .

I have no time to clean. I'm thinking about setting aside a weekend (or the part of it ds spends with his father) to get rid of a LOT of stuff, so I don't have so much to clean. I'll have to wait til I get my brother or someone to help me, though, because due to my intense phobia, I won't be able to handle picking up something and finding a bug. Actually, half of my fear is not wanting to look under there in the first place, because what if there is a bug there.

Sorry, I'm prob getting OT here and need to post in Personal Issues and find a thread about those that WANT to keep a clean house to get some advice.
post #47 of 47
clean= no dust or finger prints
tidy/picked up= what i do

work ft
dh is grad student/TA
5 kids 16-2 years old
incontinent dog

too many people who leave clutter
too much time spent on the dog's messes

it doesn't ever seem to be me they are judging- but dh. he should help more, he should do more. he is a packrat, doesn't see messes. but he still is a good guy.

i want a tidied house that doesn't have wet carpets. that doesn't have toothpaste smears all over, that isn't wallowing in crubs. counters wiped down. toilet paper on the spindles, no streaks in the toilets.

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