When DSS comes over - Page 2

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by momof3sweeties

You are bitter towards his mom and how she has parented him. It's not his fault. He's just a kid.

Yes, not just bitter, I'm outright enraged at the poor job she has done raising him.
I have helped J improve his social skills and personal skills a tremendous amount due to the way I interact with him.
He is a much happier child when around us than around his mom.
He looks forward to his time here with us.

I never said it was J's fault.
I never blamed J for the problems his mom has caused him.
I blame J's mom and dad for raising him so poorly his first 8 years.
I just really hate the way you have twisted so many of my words to fit your argument.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by 777

Dear Abi's mom: I hope I dont upset you with my post. I definitely have an idea of the frustrations of trying to bond with a child that I did not raise from the time they were very young - and who can just frustrate me so much. Sometimes I feel like for the last 2 yrs me and my dh have been married (and before), I have put time and energy and money into these 3 boys and I dont always get the return i would hope for which angers me, hurts me, frustrates me - you name it - i have gone thru all the phases. And when i feel they are mean to my dd - my mother bear claws - come out full force. I will say no matter what - I try to be the adult, remain calm, show respect and try to show love even if i dont feel the same intensity toward them as I do my bio daughter. 2 yrs later - things still seemed complicated with them. And I feel they too are generally good kids just as you said your dss is a good kid.

Your post did not upset me.
I don't feel attacked by you and misquoted, like I did by the other posters.
It's nice to know someone can relate to my feelings, and understands the need to express frustrations.
As you do, I remain calm and respectful with J.
J likes spending time with me because I am "fun and nice".

If I notice that J senses I'm frustrated, I tell him I am frustrated because I'm tired, pregnant, hot,etc.
I tell him that if I get frustrated it's my fault and that I am in charge of how I feel.
He has never been made to feel that he is the cause of my distress.
I have always been selfless when dealing with my stepson, because it's the right thing to do
That doesn't mean I can't FEEL angry, or frustrated or slighted.
I can feel whatever I want as long as I get over it, as we all do at some point in time, and I act in an appropriate manner, which I do.

[~PurityLake~]

*

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Unreal

Don't shut him out of your heart.

I haven't shut him out.
I just don't have any feelings of 'love' for him.
I don't think that makes me cold hearted or a bad person, as certain PP have stated, PP who apparently feel they can label me after reading a couple online posts.

Originally Posted by Unreal

Obviously, you shouldn't Pretend to have feelings you don't have.
But just because you don't have them now, don't assume you never will
he could grow up to be a very cool person
and it sounds like you are a great influence in his life right now

I care about him, I take pride in him when he does well, I'm happy for him when he's happy, I love that my daughter absolutely adores him, and yes, I've had fun with him.
I also don't assume I never will love him.
I simply don't right now.
I won't lie to any of you just to make certain other people here aren't uncomfortable with the truth.

[momof3sweeties]

I think a large part of his jealousy has nothing to do with being a stepchild. I think it has more to do with the fact that he was an only child for 8 years, used to being spoiled by all the adults in his life, never interacting with kids outside of school and doesn't have any other kids his age he ever had to share with.

Being an only child for so long is a good reason for being jealous. But probably more of his jealousy is from having to share his Dad with a new sibling and a stepmom. That's understandable for a kid.

Also, you say his dad doesn't spend much time with him. Where did you even get this from

From this:

My husband has told me I knew he had a kid when we got married. Yet, I say, yes I knew you had a kid, that you didn't hardly ever see and the first year we were together you were in charge of supervising him when during your visitation. There is a difference. Now, during his visitations, John works, so I am mostly stuck being in charge of Johnathan. I have the mindset of "he's not my son, so why do I have to watch him. John should be." Although I do, I totally resent having him forced on me.

Yeah, his dad works, but when he's home, we spend time together. We play ball, card games, whatever. Also, we spend time together on holidays.

That's great...

Also, I never said I resent Johnathan. I said I resent having him forced on me, forced to watch him 24/7 for 3 weeks of my husband's summer visitation.

I can see you resent having him forced upon you. But maybe just a shift in perspective that these 3 weeks are times he is staying at his other home and not looking at it as watching him. Just being with him for 3 weeks. Jonathan will be getting older and will actually be more helpful to you when he visits before long. You'd be amazed at the things my 10 yo does. He vacuums, cleans up toys for my dd, helps with dishes, cooking...

I just really hate the way you have twisted so many of my words to fit your argument.

You sound like you are decent to him, a good person and a good influence. I just don't get why you don't consider you stepson your family. I don't see how this could be good for your dh. It must be really hard for him when he has to work and you get upset over watching him too much. You mentioned he considers his stepsister as a sister...I'm sure she'll think of him as a brother...yet you don't think of him as one of your kids. You chose to marry your dh with a kid, it seems like it is a package deal. Jonathan didn't have any choice in the matter.

I wasn't trying to twist your words. I was just trying to stand up for Jonathan.

[MagickalMom]

Wow! This has gotten pretty heated. I have been looking for a step parenting board for along time and have not been able to find one until now.

The reason I wanted to find one so badly is so I can get out all of my frustrations and have my feelings validated by other step moms who have had the similar experiences with their stepchildren. I don't want to gripe at my DH because I don't want him to think that I am attacking his child. I just need to vent, so I can hurry up and get over it. Plus, he doesn't get it and never will and neither will you momof3sweeties. You are not a step mom and being a stepdaughter does NOT give you insight into step mothering. I am not sure what your situation is about raising children that aren't your own, but whatever it is it is NOT like being a step mom. I know that when I married my DH, my DSS was part of that package, but if I knew how EXTREMELY hard, trying, and emotionally draining it was going to be, I don't know I would have married him. BUT. . . I took a vow and gave the rest of my life to him till death do us part. I do not believe in divorce, so we will work it out.

Abismom, I know exactly where you are coming from. My situation is almost the same. I will happily validate all of you feelings. I know that is why you are on these boards. You are not saying you hate your DSS or resent him, you just need to VENT. I get it! I am not about to get on a soapbox and attack you!

I have been a step mom for over 6 years and in the beginning I was faking it because I thought I had to. I thought I had to love my DSS, I thought I had to be a mom to him, I thought I had to do and feel all of these things I didn't feel. When I didn't, I had this horrible guilt that I carried around with me all the time. I was having such issues with it, that a friend gave me a few books. They told me it was okay to not have those feeling and I was finally able to let that guilt go. Now, there are times when I really do love my DSS, but it is conditional and only time can change that. With my bio DS it is unconditional and nothing will ever change that. That is just simple biology.

My DSS and I have a great time. We do special things together, he tells me things that he wouldn't tell anyone else, and sometimes he even prefers me to his Dad. But all of that doesn’t mean I HAVE to love him. That doesn't mean I can't get angry or resentful or even wish that my DH had never gotten another woman prego before me. (Soapbox people: That doesn't mean I wish he would die or would be taken out of our lives now. I would be very sad if anything ever happened to him.)

I think people need to realize these boards are for support. Virtually hugs and a few "I sorry you had to deal with that today. I hope tomorrow will be a better day." And if you don't have experience with certain situations like being a stepmom don't attack someone who is hormonal and just having a bad day and needs to vent.

[777]

Dear Magickal mom - how old are your sons??You have been married for 6 years - were the first couple the hardest? How did this affect your relationship with your husband? How did he get along with your bioson? Sorry for all the questions. I am having a difficult week with my dh over the kids (i have a 10yr old bio daughter and 3dss 16,14,13) and it would i guess be nice to hear someone else experiences. I could so relate to the emotional draining part and the part about if you dont have step kids of your own there is just no way you can relate. I just dont think you can. It makes it even harder i think when your home is supposed to be where you get relief from the outside world, when you can take a rest from the trials of work or relatives or whatever - and when a lot of the tension and frustration is at home it is like you never get that emotional rest. I try sooo hard to be the bigger person, above the chaos, but with soo many personalities it can be such a struggle. I to took a vow and dont plan on quitting at all, but boy those thoughts have run thru my head. What has been doubly hard for me is that balance i cant seem to find between my bio daughter and stepsons - the jealousy and argueing seems to never go away and i feel like if they were all my bio children it would annoy me but i wouldnt be so unsure and worried. i dont want the step to feel I am ganging up on them, but when i feel like they are being mean to my bio I get angry. Do I get as angry at her if she is being moody with them? I dont know. Just issue after issue of walking on eggshells and always just trying to do the right thing day after day. And wondering if I am doing the right thing. And why cant my husband understand her better, and....We blended too when the kids were older and everyone as just more set in their ways and the family differences take their toll. My husband is a disciplinarian - I am more gentler so the step think she gets away with everything - when I dont feel that is the case. Trying to make everyone happy is so impossible and I know unrealistic, but you know i want the kids to be happy - all of them and when me and my dh cant get on the same page it just makes it all worse.

[777]

Dear Magickal mom - how old are your sons??You have been married for 6 years - were the first couple the hardest? How did this affect your relationship with your husband? How did he get along with your bioson? Sorry for all the questions. I am having a difficult week with my dh over the kids (i have a 10yr old bio daughter and 3dss 16,14,13) and it would i guess be nice to hear someone else experiences. I could so relate to the emotional draining part and the part about if you dont have step kids of your own there is just no way you can relate. I just dont think you can. It makes it even harder i think when your home is supposed to be where you get relief from the outside world, when you can take a rest from the trials of work or relatives or whatever - and when a lot of the tension and frustration is at home it is like you never get that emotional rest. I try sooo hard to be the bigger person, above the chaos, but with soo many personalities it can be such a struggle. I to took a vow and dont plan on quitting at all, but boy those thoughts have run thru my head. What has been doubly hard for me is that balance i cant seem to find between my bio daughter and stepsons - the jealousy and argueing seems to never go away and i feel like if they were all my bio children it would annoy me but i wouldnt be so unsure and worried. i dont want the step to feel I am ganging up on them, but when i feel like they are being mean to my bio I get angry. Do I get as angry at her if she is being moody with them? I dont know. Just issue after issue of walking on eggshells and always just trying to do the right thing day after day. And wondering if I am doing the right thing. And why cant my husband understand her better, and....We blended too when the kids were older and everyone as just more set in their ways and the family differences take their toll. My husband is a disciplinarian - I am more gentler so the step think she gets away with everything - when I dont feel that is the case. Trying to make everyone happy is so impossible and I know unrealistic, but you know i want the kids to be happy - all of them and when me and my dh cant get on the same page it just makes it all worse.

[sparklefairy]

It sounds like better planning is in order in the future. Does your dh know how you feel about providing child care for him? I have to admit that that would irk me too, and I would very much not want my children to be imposed upon my xh's current spouse. Not that I wouldn't want them to have a relationship, just that I would want them to build something between them that developed along its own timeline.

It's so sad that companies cannot be flexible enough to meet families' different needs.

[WinterBaby]

Oh man, I've a stepdaughter I first met while I was hugely pregnant. It was a rough hormonal time for me too. My husband hadn't been aware he *had* a daughter and we both met her for the first time several years into our marriage when she was 11. I definately felt that it was not the package I had signed on for and had some pretty deep resentment, lol. Probably lucky I didn't throw outright fits. I tried to keep that resentment away from her, but the way she initially tried to insert herself into our lives, being extremely possessive of her father sure made me grit my teeth in less than mature ways, ha. But.. she was just a little girl. Who was going to go back home in no time. So I worked on getting past it. Now she's 15, this child who has been virtually a stranger, and has come to live solely with us in all her teenage punkiness. Well, love doesn't always just happen, so I made a concious decision to love this child one way or another, and just sort of live it til it's real. Some days it may be more in the vein of loving her in the objective way that I love mankind, lol. But I work at knowing her and accepting her on a more intimate level, because I think it's important. It's definately a work in progress. Some days I can tell her I love her and mean it, but if she left tomorrow, I doubt I'd care. And some days are rough enough I tell her she's welcome to go back to her mother. Which is probably less than helpful, but who's perfect?

Your dss though... he sounds remarkably like a nephew of my husband's that came to live with us a short while who was moderately to severely affected by reactive attachment disorder, or RAD. And maybe this isn't remotely your dss, but the inappropriate touching, the lying and manipulation, the violent tantrums, hurting younger children, and the deepseated feelings of being bad/evil/worthless that no child should possess really spoke to my experience with my nephew. And if RAD is what you're dealing with, I truly feel for you, (well outside of hormones!) because that is sooo hard to deal with and love. A child that spends so much time not being real with you isn't someone you can really get to love, ya know? But these are crucial years for addressing something like that, before you get to that explosion that is adolescence. It sounds like you're really doing great at addressing and dealing with his behavior, I wish you much support.

[MagickalMom]

Post monster ate my huge post!: : : I will write tomorrow as I have to put my little guy to bed.

[~PurityLake~]

I can relate

Originally Posted by momof3sweeties

You mentioned he considers his stepsister as a sister...I'm sure she'll think of him as a brother...yet you don't think of him as one of your kids.

A is his HALF sister, not step sister.
They have the same father.
A & J are related to each other through their father.
J inherited none of my genetics, I didn't create him, I didn't birth him, I didn't raise him, so no, I don't think of him as my child.

Originally Posted by 777

It makes it even harder i think when your home is supposed to be where you get relief from the outside world, when you can take a rest from the trials of work or relatives or whatever - and when a lot of the tension and frustration is at home it is like you never get that emotional rest. Just issue after issue of walking on eggshells and always just trying to do the right thing day after day. And wondering if I am doing the right thing.

This describes very well how I feel.
My home has always been my sanctuary.
When J is here, in our very small house, I have no privacy.
I can't get away to breathe and recuperate, especially during those long three weeks.
J adores me and follows me everywhere.
J even has tried following me into the bathroom (he never stops talking).
J doesn't give me any space.
It's so suffocating being confined with someone (a boy) in my own home who doesn't give me my own space.
J's not 2, he should be able to be alone occassionally.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by WinterBaby

Your dss sounds remarkably like a nephew of my husband's that came to live with us a short while
who was moderately to severely affected by reactive attachment disorder, or RAD.
And maybe this isn't remotely your dss, but
the inappropriate touching, the lying and manipulation, the violent tantrums, hurting younger children,
and the deepseated feelings of being bad/evil/worthless that no child should possess
really spoke to my experience with my nephew.
And if RAD is what you're dealing with, I truly feel for you, (well outside of hormones!)
because that is sooo hard to deal with and love.
A child that spends so much time not being real with you isn't someone you can really get to love,
But these are crucial years for addressing something like that,
before you get to that explosion that is adolescence.
It sounds like you're really doing great at addressing and dealing with his behavior
I wish you much support.

I have asked professional is J's behavior is normal for a 9 year old boy (since I don't know what NORMAL BOYS are like).
They both say some of his misbehavior is normal, but that most of what he does is not, especially in regards to his lack of social skills.
I have not gone into great detail in regards to J's social and behavioral problems on this board.
What I have shared is just the tip of the iceberg.
As you said, it's very hard to be close to someone who is not real with you.

I am so worried about his approaching adolescence. - J's violence, aggression, lying, manipulative behavior - how bad will that be in a hormonal teenage boy trying to learn how to be a man? That thought terrifies me.

[momof3sweeties]

I don't want to gripe at my DH because I don't want him to think that I am attacking his child. I just need to vent, so I can hurry up and get over it. Plus, he doesn't get it and never will and neither will you momof3sweeties. You are not a step mom and being a stepdaughter does NOT give you insight into step mothering. I am not sure what your situation is about raising children that aren't your own, but whatever it is it is NOT like being a step mom

You are absolutely right. I don't know what it is like to be a step mom. I just see so many step children having major problems with their new blended families and it is really sad. It is not their fault their parents didn't stick together and then they have to go through such major changes in their lives from a split home to 2 different families to try to live in with different rules and different adults, siblings...it has to be really hard on little kids.

My experience that I had is way too complicated to go into detail with. But I have had experience raising my nieces and I do have some experience with RAD first hand from my niece. Abi's mom: The lying and manipulating that you just mentioned...I can SO relate with my oldest niece who has RAD. I witnessed it countless times. If your dss has it I know where you are coming from and I can totally sympathize with your for not feeling love towards him. RAD children are way different to deal with than normal kids. WAY different. But intervention may be needed or else there will be bigger problems down the road. Also if you slightly suspect he has RAD...watch your little ones closely around him.

The reason I jumped in to this thread is I just couldn't stand to see how a child was being regarded. Even if it is "truth" it is just sad to hear. Ya'll should have a thread to vent on because it seems you need support and understanding. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by standing up for Jonathan.

[777]

To all the moms!

you know my dh and his ex used to fight a lot about her drug use, stealing, dissappearing for weeks at a time - i think sometimes the kids just got left to the wayside. I think if we are going to be passionate about something, argue - whatever - i am glad that it is over our kids and our familes - because that is just the kind of mothers we are!!

[appifanie]

sorry all! i lost my own thread. sheesh.

Originally Posted by Abi's Mom

I feel like that, too. My stepson is 9 years old. He is generally a good kid, but so many habits of his (much of which he's learned from his mother) just drive me nuts. She treats him like he's 4 years old, so he doesn't know much about taking care of himself. I've had to teach him the basics because his mother didn't.
2)He lies, about anything and everything.
3) He is a drama queeen for attention, still throws 3 year old type temper tantrums, especially if he doesn't get what he wants.
6) He tries to argue with me about rules, even though I don't argue back, and he's a great actor, used to pouting and putting on a show about how sorry he is (because his mom buys it), but I don't buy it and he knows he can't get away with being conniving and manipulating with me.
When our dd was born, dss had a little difficulty learning how to share, as he had been an only child for 8 years. He was not accustomed to sharing anything. Sometimes dss is helpful and I try to encourage his pride in being an older brother. I point out to him how much my daughter admires and adores him. He seems to like that.

Yes! DH says he thinks his ex and his parents just let him do whatever he wants to (like sitting and playing gamecube all freaking day, even though he needs SERIOUS help w/ reading and comprehension) and that DSS walks all over all of them. He does little, stupid lies or exaggerates things a bit to his dad and then I come over and say what really happened (last night his dad was going to let him stay up past his bedtime to watch a DVD in his room - I pointed out that he was at his very crankiest after he was allowed to stay up past his bedtime before. DSS looked fine, but I heard him sobbing after I left the room). He cries when things aren't going his way and makes up a false reason for it that will evoke sympathy. He also takes almost all of his dad's attention, and I am a bit worried about what happens when our new baby comes -

[lab]

Originally Posted by momof3sweeties

The reason I jumped in to this thread is I just couldn't stand to see how a child was being regarded. Even if it is "truth" it is just sad to hear. Ya'll should have a thread to vent on because it seems you need support and understanding. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by standing up for Jonathan.

: You didn't offend me. True you may not be a stepmom, but the op has no idea what it is like to be a mom to a 9 year old boy and I do. And, like you, I feel horrible for this little boy.

You are a sweet person momof3sweeties. I should try to be more like you...

[appifanie]

Originally Posted by Abi's Mom

I have resented being forced to watch him all day for 3 weeks of my husband's summer visitation (while husband is at work), when I was 8 months pregnant. There is a big difference between watching dss him for a weekend than for three straight weeks. I never resented the stepson.

6 weeks here, and I understand. there is a difference. he's a good kid (thank heavens, considering the dna he comes from . . . ; ) and if dh was here for more than 1 week of the 6 weeks, that'd be cool. but 60+ hours a week of just me taking care of DSS when i would rather be lounging on my butt, enjoying my last few months in quiet alone time . . . THAT is a bit upsetting. (plus we have this whole argument about how DSS should have gone to summer camp going on, but next summer it's camp or no visit, so the future is all good)

[appifanie]

Originally Posted by Abi's Mom

This describes very well how I feel. My home has always been my sanctuary. With ss here, in a very small house, I feel I just can't get away to breathe, have privacy and recuperate, especially during those long three weeks. He adores me, so wants to follow me everywhere, (he even tried following me into the bathroom or wanted to come into my bedroom when dh and I are getting ready for bed), and I'd have to tell him I need my space. It's very confining, being in a small space with someone (a boy) who couldn't respect that I need my own space sometimes.

YES!!!!! i close myself in my room to read a lot. (he does nothing but watch tv anyway)

eta: i have lots of bitterness towards his mom too. for starters, his reading and comprehension skills are horrible. she has him read 20 minutes a day and said he should write 5 lines a day in his journal. DH thought that an hour a day of reading would be much better because he really needs practice (i couldn't agree more) and ex thinks this is extreme and said he should stop writing in his journal. she also says DH spoils him, but she and DH's parents (who hate DH and love ex) spoil him way more. (we also have thousands of dollars worth of debt of hers that he incurred in the divorce settlement, which ticks me off a LOT) she also lets him walk all over her, so he isn't so good at listening. he also doesn't have the best manners (which is way annoying to my pregnant self)

[momof3sweeties]

i think sometimes the kids just got left to the wayside. I think if we are going to be passionate about something, argue - whatever - i am glad that it is over our kids and our familes - because that is just the kind of mothers we are!!

Exactly.

The Mothers all over MDC are mothers that are truly passionate and into mothering. From taking care of themselves and having a healthy pregnancy, breastfeeding, diapering, parenting ,schooling their children, family dynamics...It is amazing all the intelligent informed mamas out there. Too many times IRL you see moms who don't have a clue, aren't informed and don't really care. MDC moms ROCK!

I couldn't imagine having an ex and stepchildren. I have friends and relatives in blended families and hear of their frustrations. When I married my dh we agreed that if we have some rough times we will work them out. We could have one or two crummy years but over 50 good years. So far we have never had any bad times...I lucked out and have an amazing mate. And to have a good marriage for us it does take work on both ends...a lot of give and take....However...if things were to go to crap and we were to seperate. I would not get involved with anyone seriously while my kids were still kids. I wouldn't want to take any of my time, focus and energy away from them while they were growing up on a relationship and someone else's kids. That's just me though....