Answering "Excuses" - Page 6

[Viola]

Originally Posted by sonrisaa29

I wish lactivists would get as upset about these kind of statements as they would about a woman who is breastfeeding being told that what she is doing is gross (or whatever the statement may be).

Many of us do.

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by Viola

.....

I hate when I respond to old threads. I'm usually good about noticing the date before I hit submit.

Well, it was recently bumped up.

[MaryJaneLouise]

Originally Posted by PrincessDoll

True, one cannot make another feel guilty but one can certainly cause another to experience feelings of guilt.




Sorry for being so cryptic . annettemarie so graciously linked this thread to me as a way to explore my reaction when women I am close to offline choose not to breastfeed. The issues are all me and why I get upset so much by my friends'/relatives' decisions to bf for a short time (2 months) or not at all. I normally can respect decisions made by others and that is why this is even more difficult for me to understand. I am worried about me being critical (which I don't want to be but until I can understand why I experience this, I won't be able to move on from this point and be loving in my response to non-bf families).

I have been thinking about this a lot and I do think some of my issues reside in our culture.......I don't know how much I can say without crossing any lines once again.

I think 99.99% of bfing negative attitudes, and many early weaning deicision, are driven by the culture in which the family lives. If we as a society REALLY valued breastfeeding, there is so, so much more we can do, without "guilting" anyone into anything. Extended maternity leave, free routine home visits by trained obstetric nurses and/or lactation consultants, more pumps through WIC, better NIP and pumping accomodations laws, etc. Good grief there aren't even enough electrical outlets in US airports for women who need to pump! What a travesty.

Anyway here is is the cross post this from another thread I started.

I recently read this interesting article:

"Exploration of Guilt Among Mothers Who Do Not Breastfeed: The Physician’s Role" Miriam Labbok, MD, MPH. It is published in Journal of Human Lactation, February 2008, and its abstract is available here:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1...ubmed_RVDocSum

Here's a good quote from the article I would like to share:

The Convention on the Rights of the Child notes
that it is every child’s right to a healthy start in life
and, therefore, among other dictates, is the consideration
that all parents should be informed about the
importance of breastfeeding. Given that being breastfed
is a child’s right, the mother is placed in the position
of duty-bearer to the child; no one else is able to
take on this particular duty, save the mother. However,
in the rights construct, the mother can only be expected
to accept this duty if responsibility is also accepted by
those around her to fully enable her in this role.

It is therefore the responsibility of the family, the
workplace, the health care provider, the third-party
payer, and society as a whole to ensure that she has all
necessary information and support that she may need
to choose and succeed in breastfeeding. If this support
is not provided, these others are the ones to bear the
guilt of not fulfilling their responsibilities. No mother
can or should be expected to fulfill this duty unless all
fulfill their responsibilities to the mother. The guilty
parties in this construct are policy makers, health care
providers, and society in general.

[Chavelamomela]

I think it's ironic that there are two kinds of conflicting pressure, and so many moms complain of both:

1. Pressure to breastfeed, because it's "Best"
2. Pressure to give the baby bottles because it's "eaiser" or not "selfish" or "convenient" or just "expected!"

What do you make of this?

So we're judged because we breastfeed and we're judged because we don't?

I think this goes back to the discussion on "guilt" being something we impose on ourselves.

Ironically, I felt guilty/sad for weaning my ds at 2.5+ years (I wanted to CLW...long story). But I am also proud to have nursed him for such a wonderfully long time, given him such a great foundation.

[FREEmom1120]

I think we feel guilt based on a plethora of ideals that we have in our mind. When we fall short of that even one bit, we feel guilty. For example, we might have the desire to have NO bottles, but we might also have the desire to maintain great relationship with our MIL. If she then she flakes out on us because we don't use bottles so we feel guilty because some of our expectations are not being met.

The guilt people feel for not breastfeeding is based on SO much more than just what their baby is consuming. It has to do with not living up to the expectations they had for themselves, or the expectations that other people had for them.

And also, sometimes sadness can be misinterpreted as guilt. A mom might unload on you because she feels genuinely sad, not because she has a guilt complex and feels the need to make excuses. She isn't necessarily wanting you to tell her that her decision is ok, she might just want someone to feel sympathy for what she went through.

I've unloaded my sadness and grief on a lot of friends, but I don't feel guilty for the decision I made for me and my baby. I would actually be offended if they thought I was looking for validation for my decision. Who do they think they are that their validation is something I need at all in order to feel ok about decisions I make?

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by FREEmom1120

I think we feel guilt based on a plethora of ideals that we have in our mind. When we fall short of that even one bit, we feel guilty. For example, we might have the desire to have NO bottles, but we might also have the desire to maintain great relationship with our MIL. If she then she flakes out on us because we don't use bottles so we feel guilty because some of our expectations are not being met.

The guilt people feel for not breastfeeding is based on SO much more than just what their baby is consuming. It has to do with not living up to the expectations they had for themselves, or the expectations that other people had for them.

And also, sometimes sadness can be misinterpreted as guilt. A mom might unload on you because she feels genuinely sad, not because she has a guilt complex and feels the need to make excuses. She isn't necessarily wanting you to tell her that her decision is ok, she might just want someone to feel sympathy for what she went through.

I've unloaded my sadness and grief on a lot of friends, but I don't feel guilty for the decision I made for me and my baby. I would actually be offended if they thought I was looking for validation for my decision. Who do they think they are that their validation is something I need at all in order to feel ok about decisions I make?

BINGO. This is the point I was trying to make earlier... that no one can make you feel guilty. You make the choice to feel that way. And I think that you, FREEmom, hit the nail on the head when you said there's a big difference between sadness/grief and guilt.

I can choose to feel guilty, or I can choose to say, "I did the best I could with what I had available."

I choose to believe that every parent I meet is doing the best they can.

[FREEmom1120]

Originally Posted by rupiezum

I choose to believe that every parent I meet is doing the best they can.

I think that's a great mindset. I am trying to do the same. It's hard, but honestly I'm not really sure why we concern ourselves so much with other people's lives anyway, especially when they're not even friends and family. Maybe it's to avoid facing our own shortcomings or the things we do feel guilty about. just a thought.

[julie128]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Oh, I have a good standard answer for this one-- "They're not warehouses; they're factories." It helps for mamas to get away from this idea that there's a finite amount of milk in there.

OOOH! I like that. I'm a student LC, so that line will come in handy.

[dflanag2]

Instead of weaning "excuses" could it be weaning "explanations"?

Getting back to the explanations, the one I heard recently was that the mother started supplementing pretty early on at the advice of the doctor, then baby (I guess she was about 6 months when this happened) would only take bottles during the day, and wanted to breastfeed at night. Well, the mother wanted to sleep at night, and is into sleep training her children (CIO, the works), so 'she weaned herself' bc the mother wasn't interested in bfing at night.

We (moms at playgroup) basically responded 'that's tough' and changed the subject. It broke my heart, though. I should mention that this was the second child, and the first child bfed for a year. I am still completely stumped as to what more could have been said; I think it was leaning more to be a sleep/CIO issue than a bfing issue, and I wouldn't want to go there. I already work very hard to avoid being judgemental about parenting choices.

My quiet lactivism includes bfing my toddler everywhere, and I love to give my friends useful books, such at _The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding_. I loaned this book to a mainstream 1st time mama, and she says it has been extremely helpful to her. Her lo is now 4 months old, and still exclusively breastfed, and the mom has had to remove foods from her diet and everything. I am so proud of her and I want to tell her what a great job she is doing yet I don't want to embarrass her. (We are really only acquaintances, not very close.)

Sometimes if I have already loaned a book out and I have a friend who would really benefit from reading, I buy another copy and give it to them. There are a few books I have bought 5-6 times. It is worth it if it helps mothers get accurate information that helps them make informed choices.

-dflanag2

[Viola]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Well, it was recently bumped up.

Yeah, I was responding to the other person as if she was still here reading. Then as I was reading more of the thread, I saw members I hadn't seen in awhile which made me realize I probably look like a big goof, talking to people who aren't even here.

[mrsfatty]

How I overcame IBCLC's "excuses" for me to not breastfeed:

When I heard, "there's no way you could exclusively pump for more than four months, so why bother," I had this inner defiance. I had determination.

My son would not, for NUMEROUS reasons, take the BREAST...but I could give him breastMILK. I was DETERMINED to give him what he needed and that's the ONLY way I was successful. It also helped, in my moments of weakness, that my husband reminded me of my food allergies (a reason to breastfeed--to prevent allergies) AND we were POOR (we couldn't afford formula) AND we didn't ever have any in our house.

I took care of a "high needs" baby and exclusively pumped for 18 months--not a drop of formula. If I started losing my supply, I'd pump more, not less. Some weeks, I pumped every 1.5-2 hours AROUND THE CLOCK--just so I'd have enough food for him.

Because of the experience (and my support--IBCLC--not being supportive) with my first, I was determined to be an expert for my second (read EVERYTHING and connected with LLL and got over my fear of being "obnoxious" and "needy" if I needed help).

My second is breastfed at the BREAST--I only succeeded because I read everything, my husband was supportive, and I found a support system.

I have friends that choose to formula feed. One actively chose it because of medical conditions she has. She doesn't judge me when I whip my breast out and I don't judge her when she whips out her bottle.

Approaching with RESPECT is the key. When you become disrespectful, you will always lose. Support if they want support (i've flat out asked, "do you want help breastfeeding--do you need support" before, if they don't, then I respect that). Respect. Everyone is doing the best they can, with the support they have. Respect that.

[Sandstress]

Originally Posted by rupiezum

...or I can choose to say, "I did the best I could with what I had available."

Sometimes it takes a LONG time to get there...

MrsFatty- I enjoyed your post.

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by mrsfatty

Approaching with RESPECT is the key. When you become disrespectful, you will always lose. Support if they want support (i've flat out asked, "do you want help breastfeeding--do you need support" before, if they don't, then I respect that). Respect. Everyone is doing the best they can, with the support they have. Respect that.

Great post mrsfatty!