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I do NOT want Inlaws to know... how do you make that work?

post #1 of 112
3/24/03 at 1:07am
Thread Starter 
Ok, we're all planned for a home waterbirth now, Yeah! Problem is I don't want the Inlaws to know we're doing a homebirth (these people don't listen to reason ever, so I KNOW this would be a HUGE issue)...

But we want them to know about the baby and visit us soon after the birth... How exactly do we get around this?! I've got a few ideas, but they all don't seem so grand as far as keeping everyone happy...

1) Call them immediatly after the birth but tell them we want some space before company and will call "when we get home" (but in a typical hospital don't they keep you for 10 or so hours at minimum??).
That could piss them off because they want to come see the baby soon... Yes I know its OUR birth, not theirs but I'm really trying to keep the stress level down for everyone *if* possible. Dh also really wants to call immediatly after the birth if I'm ok with it to share the good news...

2) Call oh 6 hours after the birth or so and tell them we're home and to come on over! Problem, we didn't tell them immediatley... could bother them... and I'm not sure, but I don't think hospitals release you THAT soon. Also we will have to hide the birth tub (back patio/yard?!) and what a pain that will be!! Also, if we can make it work, again, Dh would like to call and let them know immediately...

So can anyone give me any ideas on a way to maybe make this work better? Or how they did it? Does anyone know how long hospitals keep you at minimum? How soon did you call everyone to let them know your baby had arrived??

I HATE being deceptive like this, but I've really thought a lot about this, and KNOW it would be a HORRIBLE scene if they knew I had a homebirth... It would not end in a "well its your decision even if we disagree" type way...

So any help or insight would be SO wonderful! Thanks so much!!
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post #2 of 112
3/24/03 at 1:15am
Do you have to be deceptive after the fact? Are you getting a birthing tub? It will be hard to hide that a couple of hours after the birth. :

I would tell them after, and let it be known that comments are not welcome and will not be tolerated.
post #3 of 112
3/24/03 at 1:21am
hi lisa...is the point to not have them know about your HB *before* it happens so as not to get any flack from them that would ruin your sweet pre-HB vibes? or is your intention to keep this info from them indefinitely??

just my opinion...it seems like there is a larger issue here. i can understand not wanting to share this info with people who don't and can't understand your choice for a HB, but why go to the trouble of trying to hide what is an unchangeable thing AFTER it has already happened?? fact is, it is none of their business where you & your dh choose to birth. why do you want to go to so much trouble to keep them form finding out you had a HB instead of just stating the truth as a matter of fact (i.e. they come over and see the tub and say "what's this?" and you say "a birthing tub" and they say "what???!! you had the baby at home?? how ridiculous and stupid and horrible!!" and you say "ya know, i'd love a glass of water. i'm parched. anyone else care for one??") simplified, i realize, but you get my point.

anyway, to answer your hospital questions, most hospitals have a policy for vaginal birth moms to stay 2 nights, and c-section mamas to stya for i think 4 or 5 nights (depending on what your insurance will pay, also). BUT, you can sign yourslef out any time you like "against docs orders" and go home (even an hour after the birth if you feel fine). most mamas who birth in birthing centers go home within a few hours of the birth.
post #4 of 112
3/24/03 at 1:42am
Thread Starter 
I don't want them to know *ever*. But more importantly not RIGHT after the birth. My MIL and FIL have NEVER listened to me, or my Dh's opinion on OUR choices (like buying a new car, why I'm on disablity, why Matt is in college, why I wanted purple and blue as our wedding colors... ect, ect.) but just railroad us with why the decision is stupid. I can't get a word in edgewise, and Dh's mom is way too good at instantly making him feel like a horrible bad little boy, and he is not capable of standing up to them (even when we've had little pep talks at home first...).

Combine that with how I can't just brush off people (and how badly it affects me emotionally... I've just always had 'thin skin' to that) who make me feel bad by talking down to me, or yell at me and its a bad bad situation. Yes, I still stand up for myself, and don't let people manipulate me just because it upsets me, but the last thing I want to deal with after my wonderful homebirth is feeling like I'm boiling over inside because of what they say to me.

I KNOW its me and Dh's choice, and they don't have a say in it. I just don't want my life to be miserable because of the situation when I really think there is no reason for them to know. They WILL hold it against me, never drop it, ect. Dh is very close to his family, and I'd like to avoid the situation if at all humanly possible.

So I'm pretty sure that after birthing I'm going to be pretty emotionally vulnerable, and just don't think that since in a normal situation I can't get these people to shut up about things that aren't any of their business, I'm going to have a hell of a time doing it after giving birth.

*Sigh* I'm just WAY too much of a pushover... too much of a 'want everyone to be happy' person. And I'm NOT letting that affect how I raise my kids, but I would like to avoid icky situations if I can... I can and DO stand up to others, but after my first 'war' over my choice to homebirth, I SO don't want to do that again... I know, I know, I'm a super wuss...

So yeah, you're right Bunny's Mama, there is more to this than just the homebirth... Way too pushy parents combined with wimpy me and Dh reverting to 12 in their presence...

Boy thanks for listening to me babble on here!
post #5 of 112
3/24/03 at 2:00am
lisa, lisa, lisa...(we oughta just exchange phone numbers and talk on the phone, we're so close!)

disclaimer: forgive me, i'm a licensed psychotherapist and your story just brings out the therapist in me...

this is a huge dilemma, but i also think, a real gift to you at this point in your life. here's my reasoning: one of the most incredible things about becoming a mother, for me, was the change it brought in my whole personality and paradigm. i'm now able to do and say things i never could do or say before i had my dd. i was literally transformed first by pregnancy, then by labor and birth, and now by nearly 2.5 years of parenting challenges and triumphs and the everyday little things. my parents and in laws could also be very hard to reason with...but my transformation has completely changed the way i look at them and thus, deal with them (and a nice aside, as i changed my way of dealing with them, they actually changed, too, something i would never have guessed was possible.)

lisa, where you choose to have your children is only one thing in a LIFETIME of things you will have to deal with when your in-laws disagree. are you going to hide EVERYTHING from them that they might disagree with? seems like the hiding has the potential to use up as much energy for you as coming out with the truth does (look how much energy you are already putting into this deception, and how much it is upsetting you).

my advice (not that you asked) is to go to therapy (i know THE BEST therapist in the world who practices out of berkeley) and begin to transform yourself into someone who can clearly state her beliefs to ANYONE and not back down or be made to feel inferior or defensive about her choices. this is not just about a homebirth, this is about your life. you are a grown-up, and soon to be a mama, you have strength within you beyond anything you could ever imagine (you will find this out as you birth your baby). go find that strength, lisa, then i believe you will have your answer to this difficult situation and the years of other difficult siutuations that lay before you with the in-laws and others like them). better yet, go to couples counseling with your dh and the two of you can learn to be more of a team when it comes to asserting your beliefs to his parents. you two and your little one are the primary family, now, they need to learn that and respect it.

peace be with you, sister. this is a very difficult road.

p.s. edited to add, i just linked to your website and i gotta say your wedding photos are stunning. i LOVE the butterfly wings on the women. how unique and beautiful!
post #6 of 112
3/24/03 at 2:56am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by bunny's mama
disclaimer: forgive me, i'm a licensed psychotherapist and your story just brings out the therapist in me...
Oh I don't mind! I took one general psych class for fun years ago and I still bring out the therapist in me! :LOL

Quote:
are you going to hide EVERYTHING from them that they might disagree with?
Nope, I know I won't be able to hide everything from them, and wouldn't dream of doing so... I'm just selective about what I tell them, because EVERYTHING I tell them equals listening to them go ON and ON about why its a bad idea, and when I try to explain WHY they just interupt and talk over me like I'm not there... I wouldn't DREAM of letting them spank my children just because I don't want to talk about it, or being bullied out of breastfeeding if I reach a point they look down on that...

Quote:
my advice (not that you asked) is to go to therapy (i know THE BEST therapist in the world who practices out of berkeley) and begin to transform yourself into someone who can clearly state her beliefs to ANYONE and not back down or be made to feel inferior or defensive about her choices.
Yes, I'm sure I could certainly get something out of that. Right now though, the only way I could do that is if its free or pretty darn close. Our bank is pretty darn broke after paying for the homebirth. I have Kasier as my insurance, and had HORRIBLE experiences with their 'therapists' and won't be going that way again!

Also, just to let you know, I'm not constantly all meek or quiet about what I believe to others. I just get VERY uncomfortable with confrentation (unless its with my Dh! Poor guy! :LOL) and have kinda divided things up into 1) Worth getting into with others and 2) NOT worth getting into...

I do see your point about spending so much energy on lying to them... But I also know if we plan to let them know afterwards its gonna affect me just thinking about the confrentation to come (and trust me, I can't just ignore what they say... they WILL keep pushing)... I just want to think of nothing but me, Dh, and baby at that point...

Quote:
p.s. edited to add, i just linked to your website and i gotta say your wedding photos are stunning. i LOVE the butterfly wings on the women. how unique and beautiful!
Aw thank you!! I loved our wedding so much!
post #7 of 112
3/24/03 at 11:12am
I'm planning a HBAC birth, and I'm not going to ANNOUNCE it to the family (my FIL works at the hopital I gave birth at last time!) I won't say it was an OOPPPS afterwards, I'll just pretend we forgot to tell them... or thought we had told them.
We will invite them to our house afterwards as well.

My only dilema, is that FIL is the favorite person of our son, and he would be the PERFECT support person to take care of him, but I'd hate to have him prowling around our two bedroom condo while I try to push a baby out! I'm going to find someone else.

Chelly
post #8 of 112
3/24/03 at 12:49pm

One quick thought..

I just had one idea for you. Will you have someone at your house with you after the birth that can be a support person? I mean, say the in laws come over and figure out that you had the baby at home. They start to make a fuss, neither you or Dh have the energy to argue about it....is there anyone who could say, " This is not the appropriate time for this talk, etc." and move them out of the house if possible? It might be good to have this kind of 'back-up' plan, KWIM?



Take care.
post #9 of 112
3/24/03 at 3:18pm
If you do end up waiting until afterward to tell them, hide the tub or whatever, I don't think they will be insulted if it is 6 hours afterwards. It took us like 3 to call anybody, just because of birthing the placenta, cleaning up a little, snuggling with the baby, mom eating a little something, etc. Time flew right after the birth.

Maybe the midwives can help dismantle the birth tub quickly afterward? I have never used one so I don't know much about them.

to you - this kind of stuff is hard and terrible. Why can't people just be cool and normal like us?!
post #10 of 112
3/24/03 at 4:33pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Will you have someone at your house with you after the birth that can be a support person?
Wow, now that would be a great idea! Trying to think of which one of my friend's has a backbone but still knows how to not turn it into a great big fight (has the ablitity to be diplomatic!)... Hmmmmm... I will have to ponder my choices I was thinking of having someone there to be support/birthing tub person, but friend I was thinking of for *that* wouldn't be a great choice... Its a spiffy idea thanks for it!!

Quote:
Maybe the midwives can help dismantle the birth tub quickly afterward?
Thats what I hope... or that if I choose to have someone around to support me/take care of the birthing tub, they could... I assume that the rental ones (which is what we'd get) would be portable....

I was talking to Dh about this last night, and the suggestion to basically blow them off when they complained and pretend they didn't even say anything made him laugh. :LOL

If we even think about telling them, it would HAVE to be before, because there is NO way I'm spoiling the first day with my new baby by having to argue with them (and argue is what WOULD happen)... so I either get to hear about it for months or weeks before, or get to deal with it the day of... Arg! One of my main reasons for wanting a homebirth is so the baby and I are NOT distrubed afterwards.

Yes I agree Owensmom why can't they be normal and cool?!

Hmmmm maybe I can feel them out on the subject by bringing up homebirth in general, but not me in specific...
post #11 of 112
3/24/03 at 4:53pm
Lisa,

I was faced with this problem and eveyone knew I would tell them I am having a homebirth. We have gone from having a HB with Midwives to a birth center back to a HB but this time UC- all in one pregnancy!!! Man, it is very hard to deal with family. My mom told me I don't care about my baby- because I didn't have an US! She even thought that there could be someting wrong with his heart??? WHY??? because she assumed that I have yet to have anyone hear it! : Did I not tell her I had midwives and an OB? I have been hitting my head on a wall that will not move. I really wanted the support from my family, and up until the last week or so we told eveyone we were laboring at home until I felt I needed to go to the hospital. But then I thought- HELL- I am going to stay home anyway, I am just going to tell them, what can they do? So, I have told everyone including the IL's and my parents. I have gotten more support because I have a "back-up doc" But, we are going UC and the latest question from DP's mom was "are you going to go to the hospital to get checked out after the baby?" Now, what are they going to do for me after the baby??? NO! I said! I think you just have to be honest, it will hurt them worse if they found out you didnt tell them. They dont have to understand your reasons for why you want to birth they way you want to. I gave my mom information on my midwives and gave them information on homebirth. Now if they read it, well that is their choice and I really dont know. But, I am pretty outspoken and so is DP- he is way more than I. So we don't have that problem of opening our mouths, but you should be respected for your choice even if they don't like it. And, if they can't respect that- make it clear they can come visit after a few days goes by for you to bond with your baby. I say load them up with information and stick to your guns, You will be stronger in the end and have a better birth if you are free from this worry.

Good luck!
post #12 of 112
3/24/03 at 5:24pm
Could you just pretend you had an "accidental" homebirth? Like, you wanted to labor at home as long as possible, but then the baby just came too fast? Maybe you could pretend you have a midwife friend who was able to zoom over and help you out. I know it's a whole pack of lies, but maybe it could work? You could toss the birthing tub in the backyard and say you're storing it for a friendl, maybe. I don't know. Sorry you're having to go through this. Best of luck.

peace, Beth
post #13 of 112
3/24/03 at 8:07pm
Maybe they won't even know it is a birth tub... tell them it is seomthing else - tell them you rented a portable hot tub to sit in because it helped your pg body so much...

maybe hire a doula to help be support and tell them off? Or your midwives could tell them to take a hike (mine would have for sure!).
post #14 of 112
3/24/03 at 10:07pm
ooooooooooooooh, yuck. what an icky situation. first, I should say that I agree completely with bunny's mama. now, for the advice from me:

LIE LIE LIE.

I too am non-confrontational to a fault. My MIL also thinks I am completly looney-tunes (my ds is 7 mos old and every time I've seen her since he was born she says "what! you're still bf'ing?" etc etc). luckily for me, dh stands up to her.

y'know, how close do they live? cuold you just be evasive and try not to talk w/ them much while you're pg? and could you wait a long time to tell them, so there is less time for them to argue with you about your choices?

I really like the idea of having someone assertive at your house after the birth so that they can deal w/ the inlaws for you. my ds was born at 6 pm on sunday and we didn't call ANYONE until monday morning, and actually, I wish we had waited longer -- I felt really invaded the whole first week of my sons life.

okay, gotta go put the baby to bed.
post #15 of 112
3/24/03 at 10:21pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
But you should be respected for your choice even if they don't like it.
Yes I agree I SHOULD be respected for my choice. But these are the parents who REFUSED to attend our wedding if we had it on the day of our choice (a friday evening the same anniversary as when we started dating because "no one comes to weddings on fridays") and because it would have broken my DH's heart if they weren't there, we were forced to change the date. These are NOT reasonable people. Or people we can ignore, or tell them its our decision and that's that. Ok, well we could, but then we're running the risk of having them decide to not be a part of our lives anymore, and that would CRUSH my Dh, as well as be taking away the only grandparents our child will have (my parents passed away long ago). Soooo since this really isn't some important thing for them to know (unlike oh say the fact that they will NOT spank our children) I just don't want to risk them being psycho about the situation.

Quote:
Could you just pretend you had an "accidental" homebirth?
Yeah but I'm thinking people who REALLY have accidental homebirths rush to the hospital and are admitted for awhile... I could see "OMG we need to take you to the hospital NOW!!!!!" :

Quote:
maybe hire a doula to help be support and tell them off? Or your midwives could tell them to take a hike (mine would have for sure!).
How long after the birth do midwives stay around? That'd be a nice option if we just can't keep the info from them.

Quote:
y'know, how close do they live? cuold you just be evasive and try not to talk w/ them much while you're pg? and could you wait a long time to tell them, so there is less time for them to argue with you about your choices?
They are 15 minutes away, tops. So staying away from them is not gonna happen... And I so wish it was only the argument I'd have to deal with... the worry about them turning psycho and refusing to be part of our lives is what worries me... And yes, I KNOW we're better off without people like that in our lives, but Dh is SO close to them all, I couldn't dream of doing that to him!

Can't I just have normal non-psycho In Laws?
post #16 of 112
3/24/03 at 10:36pm
I read this relationship book (What Love Asks of Us, by Nathaniel Branden) and this was his advice for parents who meddle too much. Very much paraphrased.

The couple invites both sets of their parents over for dinner and starts this well rehearsed conversation.
"It's wonderful to have parents who have prepared us so well to function as adults."
"I am convinced that you have done a great job raising us."
"I am convinced that you are proud of the job you have done."
"I can't imagine that you would want to cause pain or anguish in our lives."
"It's good to know that if we needed advice we could come to you and you would do your best."
"I want to say that you did such a good job, we don't have to rely on your counsel, I mean some people are never able to make their own descisions. That must be a real disapointment to thier parents."

So that from then on any attempt to tell their children would meant that they had done a bad job raising thier children. That because they are such great parents you can make your own choices.

Just a thought
post #17 of 112
3/25/03 at 12:01am
hi LL~
wow, your situation sounds pretty intense. I wonder how much of what you foresee happening is written in stone?
It sounds like the only way to keep them from ever knowing & ever giving you grief about it is to give in & have a hospital birth. Frankly, that sounds easier than all the rest, bcz I just can't see how you are going to have the home birth you are dreaming of with them 15 minutes away & up your butt. I mean, if you are in labor for even 12 hrs & they know you're due, aren't they going to be calling constantly & even dropping by? Aren't they going to know that something is going on? It doesn't sound like you wil be able to make this work with as invasive & manipulative as they sound from your description.
On the other hand, maybe this will become one of those situations that will turn out to be important enough for you & DH to stand up for yourselves. Or maybe in the aftermath of actually giving birth, both they & you will be so overwhelmed that they will forget to overbearing, who knows? Who is to say what the next few months will bring?
Good Luck & many blessings, Maria
post #18 of 112
3/25/03 at 12:39am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by SpiralWoman
hi LL~
wow, your situation sounds pretty intense. I wonder how much of what you foresee happening is written in stone?
Well the disagreement, and not listening to our side of things and giving us crap for days on end I'm about as sure of as I'm sure of anything based on the past experiences we've had with them. Of course it isn't set in stone that they'd abandon us, and I'm sure I'm seeing the worse case scenario...
Quote:
It sounds like the only way to keep them from ever knowing & ever giving you grief about it is to give in & have a hospital birth. Frankly, that sounds easier than all the rest, bcz I just can't see how you are going to have the home birth you are dreaming of with them 15 minutes away & up your butt. I mean, if you are in labor for even 12 hrs & they know you're due, aren't they going to be calling constantly & even dropping by? Aren't they going to know that something is going on? It doesn't sound like you wil be able to make this work with as invasive & manipulative as they sound from your description. [/B]
Well they don't just drop by here... thank goodness! And yes I'm non-confrontational, but I'm not going to give up what I feel is best because of this...

Quote:
On the other hand, maybe this will become one of those situations that will turn out to be important enough for you & DH to stand up for yourselves. [/B]
Well I DO stick up for myself when I need to. I just wish to not have to bother about something I don't really feel they *need* to know about. And I'm sure becoming a mommy will really give me a backbone (boy I hope so, with all the un-mainstream beliefs I have :LOL)

But I see your point... I'm taking this to the extreme in thinking of how things could go... and that isn't helping I know... stress does that to me.

But I swear I'm not lying or making things seem worse than they are when I describe these people! They are VERY unreasonable when they disagree with us...
post #19 of 112
3/25/03 at 1:32am
For heaven's sake, you are an adult are you not?

Surround yourself w/ supportive people and do what you want. Get a doula, and maybe a close friend to stand by you and support your decisions. If you think they are going to get on you for having a hb, wait till you do extended bf, or have another child, or no-vax or selective vax or cloth diaper, or delay solids or hs.

This is only the beginning. Grow up.

Let everyone know this is your baby, your body, your medical bill.
post #20 of 112
3/25/03 at 1:45am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by applejuice
For heaven's sake, you are an adult are you not?

Surround yourself w/ supportive people and do what you want. Get a doula, and maybe a close friend to stand by you and support your decisions. If you think they are going to get on you for having a hb, wait till you do extended bf, or have another child, or no-vax or selective vax or cloth diaper, or delay solids or hs.

This is only the beginning. Grow up.

Let everyone know this is your baby, your body, your medical bill.
Wow Applejuice, I didn't need to be spoken to so harshly. And yes "Grow up" and "For heaven's sake, you are an adult are you not?" is not really a nice thing to say to someone.

Yes I AM an adult, and it is MY choice that I don't want to get into a pointless draining argument with my In Laws over this issue. I just wanted some support and advice on HOW I could not tell them, not being told to "Grow up".

When there is a POINT to an argument, like making sure my In Laws or others don't feed my kids what I don't want, or don't spank them or such, then I will be the first to be outspoken because its WORTH the hassle. Having them know or not know about my homebirth is not, IMHO an IMPORTANT thing for them to know. I don't see what the big deal is in avoiding a big fight in this situation.

I understand, and have listened to others who have politely spoken to me about why they think I SHOULD tell my in-laws, but I do NOT think I need you to be telling me to 'Grow up." I came here for HELP, not belittlement.
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