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I do NOT want Inlaws to know... how do you make that work? - Page 2

post #21 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:04am
Lisa, I want to encourage you to walk in integrity in your homebirth decision. I can't prove it, but I personally believe that if you are duplicitous in your plans (concealing from the inlaws) it can sabotage the best of births in subtle ways. If you were concealing from the state, or an OB you didn't trust or some such thing, I wouldn't caution you. But with family with whom your partner is 'SO close', that changes the vibes.

I agree with Irishmommy on 'comments not tolerated'.

Coming from the experience of hiding around my homebirth, I can say that lying/hiding/etc will do you NO favors. I know it looks like you are being spared difficulty, but you will not be. Have you read 'The Four Agreements'? If not, I highly recommend it.

If you do not speak your truth and draw the lines in the sand NOW, you will be forced to do so when you are physically and psychically most open, most vulnerable (after birth). That is not the time to guard your nest. That is the time loved ones should be guarding you and your newborn. That's the design. If you fib now while you have the physical and mental strength, I guarantee you that another battle (or ten) will be in your face after birth and you will be a zillion times less able to fight then.

You only have this birth once. You cannot redo it. Carve out your birthspace in your home in truth and confidence. You have the support of your DH (many women do not). Even more power then, with both of you standing in agreement in your birthing space.

Let no one, no in law, no stranger, no temporary lies - let nothing and no one contaminate the sacred space of birth in your home.

If I had a million bucks, I'd lay that on the proverbial table tonight and say that if you do not stand up and face your inlaws now. you will be coming to MDC to post a myriad of 'please help me with my in-laws!!!' as you raise your baby. AppleJuice is right. I know it sounds harsh to you now, but really, Lisa, that's how much is at stake. It's not just the homebirth. That is only the scene playing out today. In nine months it'll be something else. And so on.

It is not fair to be 'nice' and fib a bit to get some space and still not directly offend your inlaws. After birth, if you are this fierce mama who doesn't want MIL telling you what to do or how to mother, then you might look crazy to your DH and he might not support you. You might just act so radicallly different after birth that no one takes you seriously. 'Hormones!', they could say.

That's why, while you are not sleep deprived or learning how to get the latch right, etc., you need to speak now, in truth and integrity. I would venture this has been a long time coming for you as a person and is no accident in your path of growing as a woman.

Take care.
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post #22 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:10am
To Lisa_Lynn:

I went through the very same thing. The bottom line is, truly, to grow up and stand up for yourself. I did not mean to sound harsh, but you need to know that this is only the beginning.

What will they say years later when you enroll your dear child in school or when you get a passport for your dear child, or you find yourself in some other situation in which you need to produce that birth certificate. The truth will surface in the strangest way, so face it and get it out of the way.

I do not know what your FIL, MIL, SIL, or BIL will do. Will they call the police or CPS? You are not breaking any law nor are you a danger to yourself or the baby, so they really have no standing.

Surround yourself w/ a skillful midwife, good hospital backup, a doula, and some good friends and other supportive family members, and you will do fine.

My MIL and SIL was most unsupportive at first, but I won her over on the hb. Later there was the no-vaxing, cloth diapering, and then there was the homeschooling w/FIL.

I was always respected in the end. Many times we agreed to disagree.

Choose your battles. There are many to come. This is just the beginning.

I am telling you the truth. I have been there.
post #23 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:17am
Just saying it again: Applejuice is RIGHT.

And, just to sound like a broken record, I really think that your homebirth could be at risk if you do not walk in truth, Lisa. You already know that 'hospital' is the inlaw's expectation and preference. You've said how you feel you need to make everyone happy. It is possible to unwittingly self sabotage a homebirth just based on not really being sure you can be strong enough to handle inlaw's frustration and disappointment.

You have this time to get strong. Stop wasting energy on concocting 'believable' lies. Put that energy toward growing your baby and preparing physically, spiritually for birth.
post #24 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:18am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by frogertgrl
If I had a million bucks, I'd lay that on the proverbial table tonight and say that if you do not stand up and face your inlaws now. you will be coming to MDC to post a myriad of 'please help me with my in-laws!!!' as you raise your baby. AppleJuice is right. I know it sounds harsh to you now, but really, Lisa, that's how much is at stake.
It is not fair to be 'nice' and fib a bit to get some space and still not directly offend your inlaws. After birth, if you are this fierce mama who doesn't want MIL telling you what to do or how to mother, then you might look crazy to your DH and he might not support you. You might just act so radicallly different after birth that no one takes you seriously. 'Hormones!', they could say.
Thanks for the post frogertgrl! I'm sure that regardless I will be back here on MDC posting about my In Laws... I have stood up to them before about things, and that doesn't stop them. I do understand what you're saying that it would be easier to start NOW in standing up for EVERYTHING I disagree with them about.

And I've already spoken to Dh about my stance on things later with in-laws, and we've discussed situations where I would be vocal about things, so he won't be confused. Yes In Laws I'm sure would be confused, but oh well on that one.

Edited to add to my post not seeing the previous posts beforehand

Applejuice:
Quote:
I was always respected in the end. Many times we agreed to disagree.
What would you have done if you were NOT respected? If they refused to 'agree to disagree'. I'm not being malicious here, just curious... And I get the point of your last message, I just didn't like being spoken to like that. Don't see the need, when you can get your message across nicely...
post #25 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:19am
Lisa-

I wrote to you somewhere else on another thread that I am so with you. I understand that you don't want to tell them at all. But keep in mind that it will be after the fact. Don't you think that the grandparents will be so happy to see their new little baby grandchild that they'll be less angry?

Then again I guess if you tell them and you choose to have more babies, then they'll be pestering you about the hb.

I don't think it's immature at all to not want to tell. It's your decision and you can choose to share or not.

Just keep in mind that these PILs, like mine, just have never heard of such a thing, and if they have they haven't been properly educated, and exist in such another mindset that they'd simply never understand.

But what I am trying to say to you is...I don't know how you'll deal with the tub issue...there's no way to hide it, unless (I don't know how far away they live), you can get some friends to come and empty it, and maybe get a truck to borrow and store there for a while?

You might find that, going back to my first point, they'll be more understanding once they see that cute little tyke that you successfully birthed in the comfort of your own home!
post #26 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:23am
Honestly, after reading this thread, I've come to one conclusion. You cannot hide your homebirth and call your in-laws as soon as you are thinking. It just won't work. Either you have to share, or you need more space.
As a non-confrontational person who vents later, I can understand your desires. My suggestion would be to distance your in-laws from your birth choices. For instance, pretend you are going to the hospital. You want privacy and space, so you set lots of things in motion throughout your whole pregnancy. For instance, you will not call family when you go into labor. You do not tell them about the hospital tour, about the birthing room, or about the nursing staff. You've got it all figured out, and they aren't part of the process, so why? You are not planning to call them until the evening after a morning birth, or the morning after an evening birth, as that's how much time you expect to need to nap and get friendly again, and you communicate this matter-of-factly. You extend an invitation to come by to meet the baby after you are home from the hospital a couple of days. You promise to put pictures up on the webpage, but don't expect to be answering the phone.
If your in-laws would flip out over the above hospital birth plan, it's not really about home-birth. It's about not getting what they want. You can deflect the argument onto privacy instead of homebirth, but they still are going to be pointy people in your home, bugging you.
I understand feeling proud of your baby and wanting your families to see the baby, but it is seeking their approval, too. It's like you want them to be proud of you, and with that comes judgement.
Respectfully,
post #27 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:23am
wow, frogert...you are indeed a wise woman. i totally agree with you. i can also look back to the person i was before my dd was born and see a totally different person than the one i am today. in the midst of labor i looked at my doula and said "before today, i didn't know sh*t about sh*t." and that is the truest thing ever for me (and i think a lot of pre-mamas). my point ot lisa here, is that i fear the hugeness of these potential lies may be alluding you at this point, but it is definitely something you will "get" after your babe arrives. like frogert said, that is unfortunately not gonna be a good time, since you will most likely be very vulnerable emotionally, physically and spiritually.

the other thing i want to say is that i think it's your dh's job (not yours) to tell or not tell his parents whatever he sees fit regarding this birth, and for HIM to do any justifying, defending, etc. that may arise with them. i rarely (if ever) go head to head with my in-laws (nor does my dh go head to head with my folks), i just think it's easier that way. especially if your dh is really close with his folks, perhaps the truth (or the lies) would be better received coming from him. in any case, now is the time for him to start acting like the papa bear, protecting you and that babe from whatever forces might be upsetting or harmful to y'all.
post #28 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:31am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by RachelMolly
Lisa-

I wrote to you somewhere else on another thread that I am so with you. I understand that you don't want to tell them at all. But keep in mind that it will be after the fact. Don't you think that the grandparents will be so happy to see their new little baby grandchild that they'll be less angry?

But what I am trying to say to you is...I don't know how you'll deal with the tub issue...there's no way to hide it, unless (I don't know how far away they live), you can get some friends to come and empty it, and maybe get a truck to borrow and store there for a while?

You might find that, going back to my first point, they'll be more understanding once they see that cute little tyke that you successfully birthed in the comfort of your own home!
Thanks for understanding. Its nice to have one person not think I'm being silly! :LOL

And no way am I putting that much effort into hiding the tub afterwards... thats TOO much... I just was hoping to just call them after we got to rest oh 4-6 hours and have them come over then and hopefully the tub would fit outside. If not, well then I either get to a)lie about the tub or b)tell them the truth...

I honestly wasn't looking to make this some BIG issue or have to use SO much energy to do this... just was curious if I called them at oh 10 hours past birth to come over and see babe, would they be all ticked I waited so long? Is that way too long to wait to tell them? At that point I wouldn't really need to be making up some elaborate lie (which I don't want to have to take the energy to do)...

And I'm not sure what they'd think after babe was here... if they would forget it, or be upset. I just don't want to have to fret over their reaction mid-birth. Hence telling them PREVIOUSLY (but ah, most likely not til close to birthing so I didn't have to deal with it for months) or not at all.
post #29 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:33am
I agree with many of the above posters, int hat either you're not going to hide it, and I'm pretty sure that your extasy after meeting your babe will make it impossible for them to break the mood (though it would be good to have a friend there who tells them after 5 mins that it's been enough and you and babe need rest), or you say it was accidental ("Strange, isn't it? It was even too late to get me to hospital with baby that far down ~ I guess that's how they do it nowadays") with the tub explained by pre-labor relaxation efforts.

DD wants play. Good luck!
post #30 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:37am
Quote:
Originally posted by Lisa_Lynn
What would you have done if you were NOT respected? If they refused to 'agree to disagree'. [/B]
i have certainly been willing to cut people out of our lives who, consistently and as a rule, refuse to respect me, my dh and the rules of our home and family. even if someone is family, i'm not willing to tolerate such blatant and horrid disrespect and constant arguing over what i believe in. beyond how much energy that takes from me, i realized that i didn't want my children to grow up seeing their mother allowing others to walk all over her. that was not the model i wanted to be for my little girl.

my own parents and brother have changed tremendously since our dd was born. they wanted to be a part of her life and our lives, and they realized that i was done arguing over things, done feeling like i had to defend my every move, and tired of expending my precious energy on all of the above (nad that i was deadly serious about cutting them off completely if they didn't shape up). i did a lot of therapy which really helped me get clarity (and more of a back-bone!), really put my foot down (repeatedly without backing down) and luckily for me, they responded by realizing that i was not 17 years old anymore and i wasn't gonna cave to their desires.

so yea, i speak from experience, too.

and i agree totally with the person who said that these lies have the great potential to sabotage your homebirth. it's not something i think you can understand until you're in it, but trust those of us who have been there....
post #31 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:42am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by bunny's mama
the other thing i want to say is that i think it's your dh's job (not yours) to tell or not tell his parents whatever he sees fit regarding this birth, and for HIM to do any justifying, defending, etc. that may arise with them. i rarely (if ever) go head to head with my in-laws (nor does my dh go head to head with my folks), i just think it's easier that way. especially if your dh is really close with his folks, perhaps the truth (or the lies) would be better received coming from him. in any case, now is the time for him to start acting like the papa bear, protecting you and that babe from whatever forces might be upsetting or harmful to y'all.
I like that idea! :LOL But that means I gotta REALLY educate my Dh on homebirth so he has a leg to stand on (or just like always they will talk to him like he's 4 and he'll get all meek and it'll go nowhere...)... Hmmm I'm thinking that if we did decide to share, I need that binder o' info to let them wade thru as opposed to trying to speak to them about it. Now I'm trying to remember who had something like that, because silly me, I didn't save my links to actual *facts* about homebirthing that convinced me... (Oh yeah you posted some facts before Applejuice, thanks!)... Not saying I'm changing my mind on the whole telling/not telling thing here, just thinking that just *maybe* there is a way to not have to lie, and not have to be interupted and spoken over like I'm NOT EVEN THERE a hundred times til I want to strangle them... If they won't LISTEN to us explain things, I'm sure I can at least get in "Here's papers on the issue, read them, you'll see, its not this horrible thing" even if I have to start my sentance 15 times (or make Dh do that... but he is ah, even less into confrentation than I am....).

I already have papers started like that on breastfeeding, extended breastfeeding, and vaxes (I know we will at least delay, and possibly not do some/all of them at this point). So that if people who I CARE about knowing why I'm doing something start in on me, I can just hand them this sheet with quotes and stats from "important people" instead of being the mousey me that comes out sometimes...

Oh yeah, and I utterly and totally expect to feel like I knew NOTHING pre baby after this child arrives... of course I don't have a clue how that manifests, or exactly what will happen, but I've seen enough/read enough to know that it will happen (even though I don't really have a clue WHAT will happen). I'm just doing the best I can now with what I know.
post #32 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:49am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by bunny's mama
i have certainly been willing to cut people out of our lives who, consistently and as a rule, refuse to respect me, my dh and the rules of our home and family. even if someone is family, i'm not willing to tolerate such blatant and horrid disrespect and constant arguing over what i believe in. beyond how much energy that takes from me, i realized that i didn't want my children to grow up seeing their mother allowing others to walk all over her. that was not the model i wanted to be for my little girl.

Ok, what if thats not an option? Cutting these people out of our lives I mean. I am and have cut people out of my life in the past for draining me, but its not an option with Dh's family. So I could bluff, but I bet it would be quite see-thru. Ah, I guess just lay the facts on the table and walk away or leave if they won't leave it alone is what comes to me on the subject.

Ok so again, where do I find Backbones R' Us for cheap? Is 'The Four Agreements' something that would help Frogertgirl? Or other suggestions? I can't pay a whole lot to actually SEE someone about this (unless they want to take me on for dirt cheap) but regardless of this specific situation I could really use some backbone for other situations. I think I do ok with things when I NEED to stand up about it, but I can tell I still sound wishy washy sometimes when I don't mean to, and that just lets others have a way in, like 'ah-ha she's not sure, attack!'. It'd be nice to have a spine when all my other parenting choices are questioned too!
post #33 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:51am
Thanks, bunny'smama! I agree with you in principle, that Lisa's DH should be the person interfacing with his own parents on this issue. He should be drawing the boundaries as these are his parents and it is not fair to pass that battle to Lisa.

Especially since Lisa's DH has the expertise of 20 some years of dealing with their junk. He is the resident expert and should be called upon to deal with them, not Lisa.

However, sounds like he is unable to do that and I'm looking around and not seeing anyone up for the challenge! Lisa, your DH struggles with his mother's ability to 'make' him feel bad and you have pep talks and it isn't enough. That tells me this is a huge problem waiting to happen once your dear child is born.

Here's the deal: your DH and you have tons of experience dealing with the junk from his parents. Their unreasonable expectations, attempts (successful) to control, manipulations. You know that's how they are. There is no mystery there.

And you've explained, tried to be nice, dodged, weaved, pep-talked, vented, etc. That all 'works' when it's just you and DH.

But, ime, when you experience the best thing ever : the birth of your child, you will be so frickin' angry when they start their crap.

But why shouldn't they? They do this all the time now, it will be no different when you have a baby. And if you do not do the work to get strong and defend your family (both you and DH need to do this, imo), it is colossally unfair to expect anything different from your inlaws.

What's that saying from Maya Angelou? "When people show you who they are, believe them."

I can tell you that the tools you are using today to have a relationship with your inlaws will in no way be enough after your baby is born.

Maybe in becoming a father your DH will stop the little boy routine with mommy and daddy. I sincerely hope so. But I will bet that they expect their little boy to share his good stuff with them, which unfortunately, is your child. IMO, the way they act bumps them out of the deserving category of people, but that will be you and DH's call.

If they are emotionally involved in the colors of your wedding, your DH's education, your lack of employment, fill in the blank, then they are going to emotionally attach themselves to your birth and baby, unless you decide that is unacceptable.

You said it yourself:
Quote:
these people don't listen to reason ever, so I KNOW this would be a HUGE issue
The HUGE issue has presented itself (again...this isn't the first time with them!) You and DH get to decide how to live your lives as a family. Your child deserves to be welcomed in truth, privacy and all the space and time you want. You owe your inlaws nothing. You owe yourself and your baby everything.
post #34 of 112
3/25/03 at 2:52am
Thread Starter 
Oh yeah and I do appreciate it that you all are trying to help, and trying to explain things to me over and over even when I'm not getting it.

I hope I'm not coming off to smart a$$ed or anything, I'm trying VERY hard to see this as help, not listen to my emotions which are screaming 'they don't understand you!!'. I'm not too grand at keeping my emotions out of things when they want to come out and play. So appologies if anything I've replied to sounds snappy or rash or anything. I've tried REALLY hard to not come off that way...
post #35 of 112
3/25/03 at 3:01am
honey, i DO think you're starting to get it...
post #36 of 112
3/25/03 at 3:02am
...and here's a great link to check out "the medical literature on the safety of homebirth." just in case you want it.

http://www.changesurfer.com/Hlth/homebirth.html
post #37 of 112
3/25/03 at 3:05am
What would I have done if they didn't respect me or if we could not agree to disagree?

My SIL has a PhD in special education and OMG she just knows EVERYTHING (don't you just know it!), so I have had to stand up to her many times and let her know that MY child is mine and I am homeschooling him. She cannot argue with success.

The same scenario plays itself out when she somes over for dinner and complains about what I have made. I made it, you came over, if you don't like it, BYOF! And she has, and we all sit down and she eats what she wants.

The same scenario will play itself out in many different ways.

It already has in your life w/ choosing YOUR wedding day, and now w/ the location of YOUR child's birth. It never stops. Stand your ground.

As I said before, this is only the beginning. There is a long steep road ahead of you.

Another thing: there is no better revenge than doing well. Your PILs cannot argue with real success.
post #38 of 112
3/25/03 at 4:18am
This doesn't have an easy answer. You and dh's inability to stand up to his parents didn't start yesterday - they can only act this way to you because they know they will get away with it. People can read other people - like dogs smell fear. Some people kind of give out this "you can mistreat me" vibe. Dh's parents are jerks for doing this to their own son and DIL but that doesn't change the fact that you and dh do have to grow up and get strong and stand up for yourselves. Otherwise, what will you teach your child? Do you want him to be pushed around by others, to let others make decisions for him, to spend a lot of emotional energy trying to please others even if it hurts him? I know you were not happy with applejuice's original post but I think she was right too.

We also are having a homebirth (end of May - third child). I have not been advertising it but am also not pretending I'm doing the hospital or birth center thing. If anyone asks, I proudly tell. It is not because I am worried about the flak I'll get, more I don't want to jinx myself. We get very little flak for decisions we make that are different from what our friends or family would do - and I can tell you why - they know we know what our choices are, have researched it and why we do what we do - and that we will take no crap for it. I am open to discussing it but it is always with respect as everyone knows I would walk out without it.

We didn't tell MIL yet - it hadn't come up. The other night in a phone call to her, dh did mention it. She was not thrilled but knows better than to get disrespectful about it. She asked some questions and that was that. I am sure she is praying up a storm about it but I don't foresee any trouble from her.

I just think you should go ahead and tell your in-laws now. If you and your dh are strong in your decision to HB then you shouldn't have a problem. They can like it or lump it but it is your decision. I would preface it with something like "I am going to tell you something that you may not agree with. We have researched all our options, understand the risks and benefits, and have made this informed decision. I am open to respectfully discussing it with you but will not be changing my mind. Please respect our decision. If you cannot be supportive, please avoid that topic of conversation as we are decided in what we are doing and I know you wouldn't want to upset me before the delivery of the baby." If they can't follow those requests, I would walk out. I know you say your dh loves them so much, they are the only grandparents (my parents also died long ago - I know how that feels) but nonetheless you have to stand up for yourself.

I am sorry that you feel no one understands you. From our perspective, it is pretty clear that you need to put your foot down. You are an adult, you are about to be someone's mother, it is a huge job - and you need to be able to stand up to ANYONE to do what is best for your child. Your in-laws, your husband, your priest, your best friend, a cop, a teacher. I hear you saying that you can and would stand up if it was something important like spanking your child. But this is important too! Not everyone will agree with you but they should be respectful - and drop the issue after a certain point. If they don't, then the discussion is over. If they won't leave then you will. You don't "go to the mat" over every little thing but this is representative of your relationship with them. You and dh are not kids anymore and the inlaws need to understand that. I'm sorry it has not happened yet but no time like the present to form a healthy relationship. If you can't do this by yourself, I would do some family counseling. Our medical insurance covers counseling, maybe yours does? If not, read a lot of Dr. Phil books!
Good luck with this - I hope you can resolve it soon as it is not good for you to stress over it while you are pregnant. I hope I have not offended you with any of this (long....) post. Everyone is just trying to help.
Kirsten
post #39 of 112
3/25/03 at 10:14am

I don't have a lot to add, but...

I did want to share my experience(s) with my in-laws if you're interested.

They are perfect. No really...according to dh, his mother is the be all and end all of everything in the world. Not fun to marry into, let me tell you what. When we were pregnant with dd (almost 4) I repeatedly asked/told her, and told dh to tell her that I did NOT want anyone but dh at the hospital when I was laboring. I would call them when I felt ready to have visitors, etc.... Low and behold, there she is with my then 3 year old nephew. Dh had said nothing to her. When we were pregnant with ds#1, we knew early on that we'd have a homebirth, and that dh's family wouldn't like it. 3 years of being into the family later, I put my foot down. I invited them (MIL, FIL) to an open house that my midwife was hosting at her office and pretty much said, "Look - this is what we're doing. If you're intrested in being a part of it, you are more than welcome to come, ask questions, whatever, but this is how it will be. If you chose not to come, you have now forfeited your right to b*tch, complain, or question us from here on out." And sure enough - they came. They asked questions, and while I'm quite certian that MIL would never reccomend homebirth to someone she knew, I never heard another negitive comment about it.

The only time dh and I have ever "fought" has been over his parents. Seriously - and we can't cut them out of our lives because dh works with his dad. After 5 years, we are at the point that what I say goes - whether they like it or not. For example, when I was laboring with ds#1, my IL's knew about it because they kept dd that day for us (she wasn't ready to be there when baby was born IMO). I told dh to tell his mom (I was laboring or I'd have told her myself) that we would call them - don' t just come over, don't call - I'll call you. What happens 2 hours later? My phone is ringing. You have no idea what pissed is until a mama in transition is interrupted by the phone ringing. (It was early in the a.m so we never thought to turn the ringer off since the ONE person who knew we were having a baby that day was TOLD not to call *sigh). After he was born, the doorbell was ringing - they just stopped on by. Didn't even know at that point if baby was here or not!! They would've walked on in if I was pushing at that point - ummmm....hello?!!?

Now with less than 2 weeks until baby 3 is due (another HB), I've flat out told my MIL that I will not be informing her that I'm even in the begining stages of labor, and all phones will be turned off this time. (They can't not know, since dh and FIL work together, FIL will know what's up when dh doesn't show up for work) Yesterday she called my dh on his cell and said something to the effect of "I know Ashley doesn't want to be bothered, but you can just sneak off and call me anyway, right....?" It never ends.

Okay - so this has turned into a really long rant - I apologize!! My ultimate point was that you need to stand up to them NOW or it will be harder and harder as time goes on. If you know that the next 20+ weeks of your pregnancy will be haunted by them hassling you about your HB, then don't tell them; but don't be afraid to wait 12 hours to call them either. What are they really going to say after the fact? If you have your little one at 11pm on Friday night, and you call them at 10am Sat. a.m, what are they going to say - really? If they start in on why they don't like HB, it's unsafe, blah, blah, blah just look at them with sort of a "what would you like me to do about it now?" sort of face? Maybe it will even open the door to y'all communicating to them how frustrating it is to you that you don't feel like your feelings are being validated by them, and that's why you didn't tell them. Sort of puts the ball back in their court, KWIM? "Well, mom - we would have told you, but you never seem to listen to us anyway, so we thought we'd save ourselves the headache." Really, hon - even if you come across as being b*tchy, you need to have these boundries set now before babe is here. It doesn't get any easier.

~Ashley~
post #40 of 112
3/25/03 at 11:01am
Quote:
Originally posted by Lisa_Lynn

What would you have done if you were NOT respected? If they refused to 'agree to disagree'. I'm not being malicious here, just curious... And I get the point of your last message, I just didn't like being spoken to like that. Don't see the need, when you can get your message across nicely...
I think this whole situation can compare on a small scale to my feelings on vax. I refused point blank and the in laws were very annoyed, gave me stupid articles to read, brought up stupid reasons did a bunch of silly things, I was scared at one point they'd try take DS in for his shots themselves......
But time goes on, and I can honestly tell you although they probably still don't agree with me, 3 1/2 years later they certainly respect me and my opinions on things.
(my FIL is in the medical field, I thought he would be the hardest to convince, turned out to be the easiest)

They don't mess with me anymore, they are always sure to get my feelings on a subject - sometimes even before they ask their SON.

Good Luck Lisa, I hope you have lots of strength to stand up for what YOU want - its worth it in the end.

Chelly
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