I do NOT want Inlaws to know... how do you make that work? - Page 5

[Kat20]

Lisa,
I have an idea on how to go about telling your in-laws. Do they have an answering machine? Have your dh call about a month before the due date at a time when he knows they are not home and leave a message to the tune of "Hi, it's me, I wanted to call and see how you are doing. The baby's due in about a month. I will call you after the birth and did I mention that we are having the baby at home? Well, I will talk to you in about a month. Bye!

[owensmom]

Maybe you could put in your arsenal of information something from your midwife. That isn't a very good sentence, but I'm too tired to critique it. What I mean is, my midwife gave me a sheet with her qualifications, # of births, education, etc etc. Maybe if they see that she has successfully birthed 400 babies at home or whatever, it will seem "safer" to them.

[anythingelse]

I would also get caller id, a chain lock on my door in case mil gets a hold of a key, and a peephole to see who is at the door as well. One of my girlfriends had her fil get a hold of a garage door opener that worked on their house and fil would come over all the time letting himself in with that.:

[Mommy StormRaven]

I'm sorry you are dealign with this whole mess. We expect our second together in mid september and are plannign a home water birth. Luckily my IL"s didnt' freak out, MIL actually tried to stay home to have her kids so I at least had that sympathy. BUT she did ask me if I was going to steriliize the water for the birthing pool! She seemed to think that the entire home and water for the birth had to be completley germ free. umm no was all I had the nerve to say to her.

Blessigns and good luck!

[compleatmomof4]

I got married at 5:30pm on a Friday! (more)

Originally posted by Lisa_Lynn
"no one comes to weddings on fridays"

I got married on a Friday and everyone I invited came too!

My in-laws didn't know my second was a homebirth until 4 years after the fact. I say don't tell them ahead of time. There is no arguing after the fact! Just like how I feel you shouldn't share baby names you have picked out beforehand because people feel free to critique it when you are still deciding but no one ever says while holding or looking at your newborn that your baby has a dumb name!

When I had my one hospital birth my stay was 24 hours after the birth of my baby (not when I was admitted). There is nothing wrong with waiting a little bit to call your inlaws esp if it happens late at night/early in the morning.

You will be amazed at how a baby transforms you! I have found personally that with each child I get stronger and more mother bear-like! LOL!

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. Your in-laws will always be your husband's parents but you are his wife and his immediate family now.

Warmly,
Debra, 31 weeks with baby #4!

[VMom]

When I had my first baby-homebirth, we knew that is what we wanted.
My own family was not keen on it, but my husband's mother had had a homebirth (not planned) with her 3rd child..She had 5 children.
so she was o.k. with it..
I didn't let on I was seeing a midwife to my family, they assumed I was seeing a Dr./hosp. birth.
Once baby was born, we called everyone, at that point they were so thrilled with the new baby, they accepted the homebirth...
I would say, after that I had more children, all homebirth, and no one ever questioned it again..
I think too, it is alright to just say, this is right/comfortable for
us, and explain briefly why it feels safe/ok./right for you.
They don't have to agree, but you could say, if this isn't comfortable for you, I need you to accept our choice, and I cannot hear bad things/disagreement at this time..
Once baby is born, they will I'm sure, have a huge change of heart.
Homebirth is empowering, the bonding, joy, love is unexplainable!:
So, if you don't feel they will be supportive, or be able to accept, it should be your choice who you share the info. with on your plans to homebirth, it is after all "your" birth. Many "parents"- (grandparents) are not
there for the birth, and there is plenty of time to phone following the birth.
A new baby will change many a heart/thought process.

[maybebaby]

We've got similar mil's Lisa.

I had a homebirth this last time and we didn't want to listen to her crap either. And, like you, no matter how much we make it clear these are our decisions and we've made them she still goes on and on about how "wrong" they are, in her passive aggressive way.

With the homebirth, we didn't tell her until the very end. Just wasn't really her business, you know? We said we were going to labor at home (our way of not quite saying homebirth, but not quite lying either lol!). But finally a week or two before my due date we just told her. I mean, it's not like she was going to change our minds, but the damned nagging! It's so annoying! And you can't get it across to her that you're not changing your mind, she always thinks she can persuade you.

In my opinion, I would tell them but only right before your due date or after the birth. Could you write them a letter or something? That way they can't interrupt you and they sort of have to "hear you".

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's ugly, I know. :

[Sustainer]

I totally understand not wanting to get into it with your in-laws. I got into it with my MIL, and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I would do whatever you can to avoid the subject. If they bring it up, say "I'd rather not talk about it. I'd prefer that we change the subject." If they don't drop it, say "I'm sorry, I'm really not comfortable discussing something so personal." You definitely don't need the stress of a confrontation either while you're pregnant, or after you've had a baby. You need to make it clear to your dh that if his parents refuse to stop making you uncomfortable, it's unreasonable for him to expect you to be around them.

The people who are telling you to "grow up" must not know what it's like to be a vulnerable, sensitive person. We can't just "grow" the armour that some people seem to be so conveniently equipped with.

Okay, everyone can jump on me now... I don't care. It's worth it to be able to let you know that there's at least one person who's totally WITH YOU on this one.

[StarMama]

In my opinion, I would tell them but only right before your due date or after the birth. Could you write them a letter or something? That way they can't interrupt you and they sort of have to "hear you".

Good idea! But I'm not sure... a letter might ruffle feathers worse? I'll have to think on that one... We won't be telling them til much later on... like 30+ weeks along... and my plan is to leave them a copy of my huge ol' report on why homebirths is safe. If they don't want to listen, I'll just leave it for them... Me and Dh have discovered that they don't really care about research or anything... its all about their OPINION on how things are... and it doesn't matter if their opinion is totally based on outdated info, or just what they randomly 'think' about a subject (not knowing all the info)... Example would be we're looking to buy a home here... we're about 30 mins from San Francisco, and its a nice area. Equals REALLY expensive home prices. We can afford a nice small condo that looks like a house from the outside (its not apt type condos)... but his folks keep telling us "Noooo you can afford a house. I see these little houses ALL the time and think it would be great for you guys!"... now they haven't looked at prices in Ca for over 8 years, their house purchased for $250,000 now would sell for $500,000 or so... so they truly are clueless.. but no matter how much research and hunting I tell them we've done, nope, we're wrong, they DO sell single family homes for what we can afford. They haven't picked up a paper, called a relator, gone to open houses, looked online, ect, ect, about ANY of this, but darn it they *ARE* right. : Sigh. Ok sorry... back on track. Point is, I don't think its gonna matter at ALL the research we've done. If their automatic gut reaction OPINION is "its bad" well to them it IS bad. Period. So ah, if we tell them, its just gonna be SOOOOO much fun. Not. But if I left all the info for them there, well at least I'll know I tried to inform them and let them stop worrying. Won't do a lick of good for them I'm sure, but it will make ME feel better...

The people who are telling you to "grow up" must not know what it's like to be a vulnerable, sensitive person. We can't just "grow" the armour that some people seem to be so conveniently equipped with.

Ahhhh it is nice to be understood. I don't think I'll ever had a full set of armour to wear when standing up to people... I try my best, but its not just a *snap* ok now it won't bother me type of thing... It'll always be hard, and it will always be difficult... And trust me I've done a LOT of work to get some armour/backbone or what not... I DO stand up for myself... I don't get pushed around... I "wear the pants" in my marriage (not in a mean way or anything... I SPOIL my Dh SO much and he feels very lucky to be with me)... have refused to let myself get in bad relationships once I realized what was going on in my past relationships... I was on my own at 16... having to be VERY strong facing going to jail for being a runaway, working full time while finishing school, etc... tons and tons of examples... I just choose to avoid confrentation when I can... but I do think, from all the personal stories and such everyone has told me, that this specific issue may hurt me more in the future if I don't handle it now... I'm just making up my mind about whether this is indeed something "worth" the stress its going to put me and Dh thru.

Lisa, I REALLY recommend taking a few hours for yourself after the birth. The baby will still be "new" a few hours later. With my first, I had everyone in right away.

Thanks for sharing your experiences... esp WHY waiting awhile might be a good idea. If I don't feel like having any company for awhile after the birth, I won't. I just feel now that I will want them over soon afterwards. But I'm not making that a "for sure" thing right now... since I know I may feel differently after giving birth. My Dh knows this too, that I may or may not want company... and since he's in charge of the after phone calls, I'll just tell him what I want, and thats what will happen. So we shall see how I am after the birth, and what I'm feeling then, and go with it. And when I say that I think I'll want them over soon after the birth, I do mean after everyone else has left and things are cleaned up (well at least everything but the birthing pool... ) so I do assume that will take an hour or two... and if I'm zonked out at that point, well Dh will know better than to tell people to come over...

But I do really appreciate you sharing! And telling me the big WHY of waiting... a nap may be just what I need first

[Evergreen]

Lisa, the one reason I would not tell them before is because there is always the risk (albeit very slight) that you will for some reason go to the hospital. They will be talking about the time crazy Lisa tried to have a baby at home and 'I told you so'ing for yeaars to come. If you tell them afterward there is nothing they can do about it.

[Czen:)]

Oh, thats a very good thought! I agree!

[RaisingCaine]

I'm glad you decided to tell your IL's, I don't see any easy way to hide a homebirth. Thats a pretty big thing.

I understand where your coming from in regards to confrontations. I used to hate confronting people, I hated it so much that I would sit there and let them bowl right over me. It was awfull, most of the time I would be pushed into something I didn't want, and I always felt bad afterward. Eventually I had to take a good hard look at myself, I figured that standing up to someone had to be better in the long run than the resentment I felt toward myself and others for letting them walk all over me. I learned a very important lesson, some one allready mentioned that you teach others how to treat you, well it's true. Once I stopped letting people push me around I noticed that they stopped trying. Your giving your IL's a power over you that they don't need to have.

I also agree with the people who said that you need to set boundries for your IL's now. It really won't get any easier if you wait, and IMO this is the perfect opportunity for you to do that. The sooner you let them know that you make the decisions for your family and they are to be respected the more headaches your going to save yourself down the road. Also grandchildren are wonderfull for getting parents to bite their toungues. I've noticed my MIL doesn't give me half as much crap as she used to now that she knows me not talking to her will result in her not seeing her grandchild.

If I where in your shoes (and I just may be some day since I know my IL's don't approve of HB, but after one awfull hospital birth experience I really don't care. They can like it or lump it), I would tell your IL's before hand. I would go over to their house (so you can leave if it gets hairy) and tell them flat out: I have something to tell you, and I know that you aren't going to like it, but I've put alot of thought into this and my mind is made up. I would appreciate it if you would hear me out before you say any thing. We have chosen to have a home birth, I realize that you have concerns, and you may not like it, thats why I've taken the liberty of printing off this information for you. You may also do research of your own if you like, but I will not discuss this untill you have read the infromation. If you choose not to thats fine, but if you don't I will not listen any critisism you may have regarding my decison. I also will not argue with you about this, if you want to discuss this rationally like adults wonderful, but I will not fight with you.

If they start going off and wont let you speak, well then, my only advice is to get a loud wistle and blow it every time they start to talk over the top of you, then tell them to zip it and finish what you where saying. (I'm only half joking here).

I wish you the best of luck, both with your IL's and with your upcoming home birth.

[mamacrab]

Lisa, I've been following this thread with interest (I have pushy IL''s too!) and I just wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I wanted to agree with everyone who said you should tell them about the HB *before* the birth. You have said repeatedly in your posts that the stress and fear of telling them afterwards might actually hinder your labor. Honor that instinct and tell them before- that way you are all set to labor without the fear and stress. I also agree with everyone who said you do NOT have to argue or discuss this. Tell them- the second they become loud, angry, argumentative (and from your previous posts I'm sure they will)- just leave the room. Go. It's THEIR problem, not yours. Go into your bedroom, put on some music- they can rant and rave in the living room, but you don't need to listen, and eventually they'll give up. Repeat as necessary.

And remind yourself- THEY are out of line here, NOT YOU! How you give birth is NONE of their business and it is outrageous that they think they get a vote here. Keep reminding yourself of that. You don't need to argue, explain, or justify. THEY need to back off!

Good luck and please let us know how it goes!

[ebaby]

Hi Lisa and others
I read this one with a great deal of interest. We DID NOT tell my dh parents. I wanted to however at my dh request we did not. They live three hours+ away. They are in their 70's and seem older than that. And they are fairly 'detatched' anyway.
My mom was with us and loved it.
I think if she (mil) would ask I would come clean. I do not have it in me to lie. It was such a great experience.
His folks do not know that we do not vax either.
OH well. My dh has had to deal with them a lifetime. Bless him.
K

[sphinx]

i have the same inlaws

and LIVED with them for several years, even through pregnancy and the birth of my daughter. A glimpse into the psychosis: when I did the laundry, MIL would waste an hour of her life to take it off the line and re-hang it, since I obviously couldn't do it right. Everything with her was like that, especially when baby came along, oh lordy. When you get so caught up in defending yourself -- just step back and remember the simple fact that you have NO responsibility to them for ANYTHING that you do. You do not need to justify or even discuss your decisions with them. This is your body, your baby, your birth, your life, your emotional state, your memories, your new family. You need to begin protecting this space now with honesty, integrity and gentle firmness. For YOUR sanity, not theirs!

As you noted about the search for real estate, your inlaws don't know or care what's accurate and timely - they simply like to feel their own conviction that they are right. So don't worry about getting them to agree with you on the homebirth (or the house). Just make it clear that you will make your own decisions unimpeded.

I am not saying anything that hasn't been said here already, just chiming in with "I've been there" and agreeing with others that there is no way out but to lay down the law. It will be uncomfortable and painful at first for you to suddenly change the rules of the relationship, but you will be doing everyone a favor in the long run. They clearly love you both and it is very doubtful they would estrange themselves from you and your dh especially with a baby in the picture! They are the ones with all the problems - let them agonize, not you. They will get used to it over time.

I feel for you, though, because I know what it's like. That feeling of big brother (or big mother!) constantly watching and judging you ... it's exhausting. Believe me, it will only be worse once the baby is here unless you curb it now. When my dd was born, I had to become much more confrontational than I ever wanted. But it worked - my MIL respects me now, or at least pretends to (i.e., would never dare cross me on issues that are my domain), and that is good enough for me!

Sorry for such a long post. Good luck, and please do what you need to to ensure that your birthing space is deeply safe, serene, harmonious and free of any extraneous anxieties, so you can have that beautiful home birth you dream of!

[StarMama]

Re: i have the same inlaws

Originally posted by sphinx
I feel for you, though, because I know what it's like. That feeling of big brother (or big mother!) constantly watching and judging you ... it's exhausting.

Thanks for sharing and especially thanks for understanding how hard this is...

and I know this is all just going to get worse... I'm looking into vaxes right now and know we won't be following the schedule... that'll be fun to explain... and co sleeping... and perhaps when breastfeeding gets into extended lengths (at least my MIL asked and was *very* happy that I was going to breastfeed).. and 101 other things I'm sure! It truly is better to handle it now, but I'm NOT looking forward to telling them about the homebirth...

[lilyka]

Don't even bring up vaxxing with them. This is something they would otherwise not know anyway. I said something about it the other day and my mom was shocked. almost 7 years into this she had no idea we weren't vaxing. And I am pretty vocal about it. unless this is something you want them to know there is noreason to even let them know. It isn't something hard to hide like the homebirth thing unless they will be accompaning you to the Dr. office.

[StarMama]

Oh I'm not planning on specifically bringing up vaxes, but I don't want to lie to them if they ask... and I won't be surprised if they DO ask at some point... I was meaning more than all my choices as a parent will be questioned by them if they know about them (and things like gentle discipline and such they will know about... they are NOT going to spank our baby!)... Yeah I just re-read what I wrote and I wasn't all that clear... my brain is on "home buying mode" and doesn't seem to be working too well on everything else lately! :LOL

And I bet my MIL WOULD love to go to Dr. appts with the baby when he arrives... she wanted to go to an ultrasound with me (she doesn't know we had this last one done) if I had anymore to do... and I'm thinking... when I have to expose myself from the bottom of my bra to the top of my pubes my MIL is NOT going to be in the room with me! :LOL Course I didn't tell her this... just kinda nodded and smiled...if she's annoyed when we tell her the news tommorow and show her the video we will just act innocent and say "well we wanted to surprise everyone!"

[Lucysmama]

HB

Lisa,
I feel for you - you are in a rough spot. I am currently ttc #2 and we are planning a HBAC. My mother and fiance and grandparents are unsupportive of APand HB, though my ILs are supportive. I do understand where you are coming from, Lisa.
But I have to agree with the majority of moms on this thread. You should be truthful. I can't see bringing a baby into the world with an air of secrecy and lies, hurrying around to hide the evidence. Is that really what you want for your birth? You may think that it won't affect your special day, but it probably will. You will have just gone thru one of the most truthful and honest experiences of your life. Do you want to look people in the eye then and lie to them?
I know it seems like you could avoid a drama by lying, and you and your dh have decided to "pick your battles" with your ILs. What could be more important than your son's birth? I think you will see that motherhood has a way of turning women into advocates for their child.
Think about this: do you want to tell your son he was born at home? Is so, Will you then ask him to lie to his grandparents about it? That is not fair to a child.
This is what I plan to do: keep my HBAC low-key for as long as possilble. Then, come to my family armed with literature about the safety of homebirth, and say something like, "Research has proven it is just as safe or safer than hospital birth. If you would like to read this, I think you will see we have made the most responsible decision for our child. We are firm in our choice, and it is not up for debate. We appreciate your support." End of conversation. I will have a similiar talk with my mother eventually, and I get nervous thinking about it. BUT YOU CAN DO THIS! Help pave the way for an honest future for your son.
Good luck to you, and sorry this is so long.
Katie

[Lucysmama]

oops

Just realized there was another page to this thread Guess I can stop trying to convince you now. I am so glad you decided to tell them. I am here to chat if you need a build-up or a chat. Let me know how it goes, as I have a talk in my future.
Katie