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Dads: What was your feelings/thoughts when your wife said "I want to hire a doula"

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
I need Male perspectives..so mommas if you can get your DH's to come on and write in their own words, that would be great (note, He wont take a female's POV in this...It HAS to be male for him to acctually listen because the whole man relating thing). I need some Male voices to get my DH to realize it's not so much for ME to have a Doula there, but for him. Mabe some male voices with their experiences, thoughts and feelings would help us come to a "conclusion" of this matter...

TIA Guys!
post #2 of 21
Thread Starter 
YAY it got approved

*does the happy dance*
post #3 of 21
(from my dh)

I'm romanmum's husband. For the male perspective on doulas, I want men to remember your wife and yourself should seek a doula who is going to give encouragement to you both...HOWEVER....men, remember, there is this little person who plays with mommy's insides for 9 months and then makes a very grand exit out of mom and into the world. Our doula did encourage me, but she was there for my wife. Remember, you are part of the team, you need to encourage your wife more than you will need encouragement. Trust me, you can do it! Don't be outside waiting and don't fear the delivery room. Get the doula for your wife and get ready for the grand adventure called parenthood.
post #4 of 21

Not much help

Both my girls were delivered by C-Section so a Doula would not have been much help. My wife has/had fibroids and they wanted to be very carefull with her and the baby so a C-Section was the safest option.

Sorry I couldnt be more help.
post #5 of 21
cool question

subbing to show this to my pregnant sis, her DH just asked my DH what the heck a doula was the other day.
post #6 of 21
Thread Starter 
thanks Keep em coming.
post #7 of 21
My wife is a doula. She had a lot of support in her labor and had 3 midwives there (2 of them were apprentices)... We all stood back while she delivered our son by herself in the tub. Haha, I dunno what you would call it: Unassisted with a lot of witnesses

We didn't hire a doula(mostly because of the 2 apprentices), but I can't imagine why anyone would have a problem with it. Doulas will do the messaging better than you so you don't have to get cramped up hands... They will talk everyone through it incase you get confused or concerned... If nothing else they will share your burden of labor support, make your life easier, and help you to know how to give your wife the support she needs to do something amazing.
post #8 of 21
i wanted to add something my dh didnt.......they are great if you want to go to the bathroom or get a bite to eat.....you dont have to worry about your wife being left all alone.
post #9 of 21
My SIL was our "sorta-doula" She was there primarily to take photos, but was a huge help and support to my husband, rubbed lotion on my knees because i was taking all my contractions on my hands and knees, and she was totally indespensible in keeping everyone informed. She fielded phone calls (we were at home, and for some reason, if you're at home, people think they can just call for updates : ) and she also stayed in contact with some of my close friends via IM for me.

She'll definitely be there for our next l&d. She freed up my husband to be there for me.
post #10 of 21
We said after our first that we'd consider it with our second.. Turned out to be twins same sac same placenta so we had to do a c-section so we never got to that. If you have the money to do it, there's really no reason not to. I mean, essentially it's a helping hand. What's the harm? Just like a housekeeper, a mother's helper, etc.

If you have the cash, there's just no reason not to. There may come a point where you need an advocate for your viewpoints to the doctor or to remind you to keep at it. I'd say more than anything if it's a long labor where there comes a point where it's like "I'm sick of debating with nurses, doctors, etc about EVERYTHING just do WHATEVER" That happened to us. We had almost 36 hours of labor and some things might have happened differently with an encouraging voice with more of the Midwife attitude than the "I'm a doctor, get that damn baby out and let's GO" mentality.

The doula will more than anything just allow you to keep to your ideals a little better.
post #11 of 21
From a doula:

When I told my husband I wanted to be a doula (didn't have one for our first birth) he was like "a what?" and when I explained we went through the "so you take over the dad's job?" And I was in a spot where I had to explain something I'd never done.

So, I told him, no, I'm there to support the mom, not take over dad's roll. And now, I support the couple. I usually help dads do all the work. I had one dad just tell me "I don't know what do to" during a prenatal visit and I told him, no problem, we'll go over it. And I showed him a few "tricks" that day, he did great in the labor, but mom prefered my touch over his when it came to it. So, I told him a few choice phrases to say to her to help keep her focused, and calm.

I supported him, supporing her. It was a beautiful birth.
post #12 of 21
My DH was very relieved to have a doula at our son's birth. I ended up having a pretty long, hard (well, they're all hard...haha) labor. Having a doula there took the pressure off DH to be the *one* support person for me. DH and the doula were able to tag-team and this allowed my husband to be able to eat, go to the bathroom, and take occasional breathers without feeling as if he was leaving me alone. Prior to the birth, DH did not realize how much he would appreciate our doula's help in supporting me.
post #13 of 21
My innitial response was a bashful "but that's my job?" : After a while it turned into acceptance and after our first birth, where we didn't get much support from our doula, we're looking forward to working with a good one for Geekling v2.0 next March-ish.
post #14 of 21
I'm also a doula, and since we didnt have a doula when we gave birth, my dh was thrilled when i told him that I was going to become one.

He said "I read some books and went to classes, but basically, I had NO IDEA what to DO in the labour. I could see my beloved wife in pain and I was virtually helpless. she had really strong back labour for more than 2 days, with 24 hours of strong contractions every 5 minutes like clockwork. She needed me to press on her back hard through every contraction for all that time, and by the end, I was just so burned out.

Having a doula there, someone who actually knows what she's doing, someone who is familliar to the mother (rather than a stranger nurse or Dr who may just change shifts right when you start to become comfortable with them), someone who can sub you if you need to take a break, who isn't emotionally attatched, who knows the technical ins and outs of the medical system, who its there, answerable to you and you alone and is totally committed to seeing you through the labour...
post #15 of 21

let the doula that the beating

No really, having some one to help is not a bad thing. my DW had our child (now one): with a mid-wife, same idea but not at a hospital. I was glad that the mid-wife was there !!!!!!!!!!. It is a really stressful time for the DH's. I know the wife is giving birth. and it is really tough on them. but the DH can only sit there and watch. I know that it broke my heart: because there was nothing i could do, except watch and speak word of encouragement. The mid-wife knew what to say and how to say it. It was awesome and i'm sooooo thank that there was some one with us helping. i hope that helps!!!!!!!1
post #16 of 21
Thread Starter 
Bump, I would like more man stories
post #17 of 21
I can tell you that my husband thought the idea was just great. He assumed that having a doula means that he could "smoke cigars and just hang out during the labor instead of doing all the hard stuff". So I told him that a doula's job is actually to keep him in check and make sure that he's not slacking off and is doing everything right (yes, I lied). But even then, he was still ok with it. He's an awesome daddy, but birth freaks him out. So whatever will make me more comfy, is totally worth it to him.
post #18 of 21
Hmmmm, we had our first with a midwife and assistant and our second was unassisted, but, friends of ours were called later into the labor. So, I'd say it depends more on what the mom wants and needs. The partner / husband needs to be there to support her needs and wants, but he should have the support he needs to do this in a way he feels comfortable. But, it all depends on her needs and wants. So, at some point a balance of needs and wants comes into play and you make your decision. Does that make sense? Does that help?
post #19 of 21
My SO wants to be a Midwife/Doula so when she told me she wants to have a doula it didn't come as a surprise to me.

We are currently planning on having a kid and we will probably start trying to conceive next year after we get as many ducks in a row as possible.

I know the functions of Midwives and Doula's so I don't have hang ups there, my Hang ups come with the fact that I want to be sure EVERYONE is safe so I want to be at least NEAR a medical facility for a birth if not in one. She would have a home birth if I agreed to it, but I just don't want her to become part of those percentages that have a complication (even if complications are normally started with the medical facility to start with).....

So we are still discussing how the birth will be handled as well as everyting leading up to and everything after. We are methodical like that.
post #20 of 21
from dp:

I didn't want a doula- I felt like she would take over and I would be left out. So we didn't hire one BUT we ended up having a homebirth with a midwife who also has an apprentice who basically takes on the role of doula as far as making sure Jen was comfortable, getting her drinks, etc. I was very grateful to have the apprentice there to act as a doula- I knew how to provide emotional support to Jen but I had no idea about the physical comfort measures- the apprentice was able to find ways to make Jen more relaxed that I never would have thought about (even though I read all the books jen suggested) like putting a bunch of cloths in a bowl of ice water and putting them over her eyes and face while she was in the birthing tub. She just knew more about what to suggest to make Jen feel better. She never took my place and I feel like I played a very big role in my son's birth. If we were planning a hospital birth we would definately hire a doula just to deal with the Dr.s and nurses and keep them off our backs. If we have another home birth I hope we have a midwife who has an apprentice or we will hire a doula and just make sure we get one who is low key and wants me to participate.

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