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I'm 23 and need advice from a parent! - Page 3

post #41 of 87
Congrats!!

I'm guessing you've told them already, but if not, here's my advice - go together, be calm, emphasize how happy you are and that you plan to move in together after graduation and before the baby is born. If you have plans to marry in the future, you might mention that if things get tense - along the lines of "we're not making an official engagement announcement, but of course we love each other and we do plan to marry." (But if that's not the plan right now, don't be pressured!)

Good luck, mama. Even if it takes them a while to get used to the idea, a cute newborn grandchild will be a great bridge-builder, yk?
post #42 of 87
There are going to be many times as a parent when you will be faced with difficult decisions and making choices that involve putting the needs of the family you are creating in-front of the family you came from. Man, it's hard sometimes! But just remember: this is your first act as a mother- a leader of your own family. If your dad is really that unsupportive or mean, you must realize that YOU are in charge of your direction and that others only have the power you give them. Dad can be mad, but with an adult daughter, he can't be mean and he can't be in control. And YOU set those rules. You can do it!

Congrats! You are begining a wonderful journey!
post #43 of 87
You know, your parents would have to be really vindictive to not support you through your last semester of college just because you got pregnant. I'd hope they would not want all your hard work wasted by cutting you off or some such thing when you are so close to graduation.

I'd never do that to my daughter (who is 16 btw)
post #44 of 87
I've BTDT too. I was 23yo but completely single, and 18w into the pregnancy I found out I was having twins. EEEK. Anyway, my dad was more okay but my mom seriously went crazy for a long time. She told me I was ruining my life, I'd be a welfare mom, the kids would grow up resenting me, I'd have a terrible life, etc etc etc. She finally came around at about 7 mos, and now she absolutely adores my boys. However, it was difficult until she did come around -- and I live clear across the country from her. I wish you luck, and I'm glad you have a supportive bf. I met my now-dh when my boys were 3 mos.
post #45 of 87
Congrats!

I agree with pp about your bf coming with you. I also agree with this:
Quote:
act as a mother- a leader of your own family. If your dad is really that unsupportive or mean, you must realize that YOU are in charge of your direction and that others only have the power you give them. Dad can be mad, but with an adult daughter, he can't be mean and he can't be in control. And YOU set those rules. You can do it!
Sooo true!

My older sis got preg at 14. Apparently my dad flipped and did hit her (this was in his first marriage, she's over 30 years older than me). So when I got preg at 19, my mom and sis's warned me too - even though he wasnt a violent man, we remember hearing how upset he was. So, I took a deep breath, and told him. But I told him in a positive way, "you're getting your fathers day gift in october, when your grandkid will be born". He was floored, but hugged me and wished me the best. None of us could believe it, but he was great. Asked me how I was feeling, forced himself to shake bf (at the time) hand and say congrats to him, but otherwise it went well.

Here's hoping he'll surprise you!

And congrats again!
post #46 of 87
i agree being positive and authorative helps...
i was 20 when i got pregnant with dd1 i was too emotional to to fend off his moms thoughtless cruelty but when i told my mom she asked if i was keeping it and i said 'of course!' and she was supportive from then on...
i got his mom to stop by telling her its non of her business...but i dont advocate that idea, it was all i could muster when i lifted my head from the toilet
post #47 of 87
I skimmed some of the other replies so I am sorry if I missed something, but I am not getting what the potential problem is with you being pregnant. It sounds like your father is the one with a problem, or maybe both your parents. You're an adult, you're almost done with school, you're in a stable long term relationship...what more could they possibly want? Not that it's their business to want anything. Your dilemma makes it sound like you're 15 and in high school, which makes me guess that's how your parents treat you. Well now would be a good time to break away from that. You don't want to try to parent your child with them controlling you like that.

I have all kinds of book recommendations for dealing with controlling parents if you're interested.

I got pregnant on purpose at 25 which is only 2 years older than you and while some rude people in our families asked if it was "planned" (um, NOYB!) it doesn't seem weird or premature at all to me.

I hope this doesn't seem like I am criticizing you, I'm not, I just think that it's ridiculous your father would make you so afraid of him over this. You're not his property and he needs to grow up.
post #48 of 87
Congrats!

I am 23 now, but I was 18 when I got pg with my husband. My parents still got very upset and we didn't talk for a month. Even though I was married, had been with my husband for 3 years already and we were doing well on our own.

Honestly, I think parents do this because they have a hard time with accepting that you are growing up. Don't worry, if at first they get upset - they will get used to the idea quickly most likely.
post #49 of 87
r
post #50 of 87
2 cents worth...
If you and your bf take your parents to a nice restraunt, during the dinner or lunch hour and gently/conversationally break the news to them there, your dad may allow the atmosphere to keep his temper in check.
Good luck.
post #51 of 87
Congratulations and good luck telling them.

I got pg. when I was 17, and I told my Dad & step-mom (when I was 5mos. pregnant!) at church, with a pastor (and my fiancee, now dh of almost 7 years) present, that way my Dad couldn't freak out or kill me or get mad (well, he could've, but he wouldn't have wanted to tarnish his reputation at church, he put on a good act there!)

I hope it goes better than you think!
post #52 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog
I skimmed some of the other replies so I am sorry if I missed something, but I am not getting what the potential problem is with you being pregnant.
i agree... im 23 have been with my dp just as long and we just had our second....
but people can be jerks when someones having a baby regardless of age...
post #53 of 87
bumping and subscribing to this thread ..
post #54 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexsam
There are going to be many times as a parent when you will be faced with difficult decisions and making choices that involve putting the needs of the family you are creating in-front of the family you came from. Man, it's hard sometimes! But just remember: this is your first act as a mother- a leader of your own family. If your dad is really that unsupportive or mean, you must realize that YOU are in charge of your direction and that others only have the power you give them. Dad can be mad, but with an adult daughter, he can't be mean and he can't be in control. And YOU set those rules. You can do it!

Congrats! You are begining a wonderful journey!



Absolutely!


I didn't have much of an issue announcing my pregnancy -- it was anouncing my engagement that did me in! My parents thought 21 was entirely too young and I was really scared of their reaction. But you know what? It wasn't their decision to make. I was an adult and I made my decision. They were free to support me or not support me, but it wouldn't have made a difference one way or the other.

So when you tell them, tell them in such a way that conveys that you are happy with the pregnancy and while you'd appreciate their support, it isn't necessary. They can choose to support you or not support you. Either way, the baby's still coming. Remember, you're an adult and did nothing wrong. (I should add that you didn't if you feel you didn't, regardless of your parents' view on sex outside of marriage.) There's nothing to apologize for or be ashamed about. So go in there with confidence and realize that if they don't support you, that's entirely on them, not you. Don't take responsibility for other people's emotions!
post #55 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by elsasmommy
I don't understand what the problem is.
she doesn't want to make her parents upset because there is a lot of money involved (they pay her living expenses as well as her tuition and books). its not about thier emoptional support. it is about thier financial support.

you are 23. time to grow up. you and your babies father are adults andneed to act like it. adults have to make hard descisions about parenting and money and houses and school. babies sometimes change your plans. that has nothing to do with your parents and how they respond to the news. by the time I was 23 we were had been married for 4 years and were planning out second child.
post #56 of 87
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post #57 of 87
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post #58 of 87
I know EXACTLY what you're going through. If your father is a half way decent person, he'll except the fact, and even if he has a hard time, he'll love his grandchild.

My father, on the other hand, is NOT a half way decent person, and disowned me 100% when I got pregnant. He has NO interest in ever meeting his grandson, and though I try to act as if I don't care, on some level it is heartbreaking.

Good luck to you.

((hugs))
post #59 of 87
Is there any way for the tuition check to clear before you tell him? :

Seriously, you've been together for 6 years, you're 23 years old, you will have *graduated* before the baby arrives, it isn't that bad. I know, you know, he knows you have been taught (I presume,) not to have sex until you're married, but I think it won't be as bad as you might imagine.
post #60 of 87
Have you told him yet? I think we are all dying to know!
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