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Looking for adoptees to discuss things with.

post #1 of 537
Thread Starter 
: I was adopted at birth. I had a decent life with my family and we are close. My mom got pg 3 months after getting me- after trying to get pg for years.

I found my birth mom when I was 20 years old. 6 years ago.
We have never met face to face but speak on the phone sporadically.

She did not have any children of her own and is not married. She gave a boy up for adoption 4 years prior to me and we do not know where he is now.

My mother was very upset when I found Sandy- and we have not spoke about it since back then. Sandy does not want to be my mom and says she is pleased that she gets to know me at all- whatever my terms are to be.

I just do not know where she fits now. I think of her all the time. I have guily from both sides. If I talk to Sandy I feel abd to my mom- If I don='t I feel bad for Sandy.

I spoke to her the other night- we are very similar - tho she has led a much different life.

I just do not know whewre to go from here-do i have this relationship behind my moms back? if i do pursue something more? if i go see her0 do we get together every year? Sandy is ver respectful of my boundaries. She will not call me- she does not want to upset me. She is an alcohloic and in the beginning would call me while drunk.

have you been thru this? what do you think?
post #2 of 537

I don't have much time to post but I didn't want your thread to get lost. I am an adoptee myself but have not found my birth family. I would still love to discuss issues we might have.
post #3 of 537
I am an adoptee and I found my birth mother when I was 20. She was very, very happy that I had found her (had apparently been waiting from the day I turned 18).

My mother was very upset and felt threatened by the relationship. I tried to talk with my mom, reassure her that this woman was not my "real" mother and that she (my mother) would always be my mother, but I was curious about my ancestry, etc. My mother couldn't get to the point where she could accept that I had a relationship with my bio mom even though I tried to work through it with her. I even got her to go to counseling with me to work on the issue but she refused to go after two sessions. I guess it was just her lifetime fear, her worst nightmare which involved guilt and shame for being able to get pregnant and always feeling like a second-hand mom.

It seemed kinder to stop talking to my mother about my bio mom. I didn't deny having a relationship with my bio mom, I didn't lie, but I didn't volunteer information, either. It seemed to be easier for my mom to just not talk about it. When I went to visit my bio mom (about 3 years after first contact) my mother did not know about it. My bio mom wanted to see me right away but I had to decline that initial trip due to my mom not being able to deal with it.

My relationship with my bio mom continues (its been 20 years now). I have visited twice in person, and will probably do so again. We talk on the phone about once a year and write letters 4 -5 times a year.
post #4 of 537
Thread Starter 
omg. our stories sound similar.
that sounds like what i should do. My mom has so much already to deal with. what you said about her worst fear! yes! exactly!

I hate to feel guilty for it tho. i think you are right. what did you do when your birthmom and you met? what was it like?

what is she like? does she have kids etc?

I had to cancel our first visit to because of my mom. She freaked and wanted to go with! I was not ready for her to go with because she is a VERY judgemental person and thought she would just have more ammo to dislike a person who gave me to her?

I am feeling such strong feelings to go and see her or meet up with her somewhere..... It is hard cause ds is a big talker and he WOULD tell my mom or mention it- and that would KILL my mom- knowing he met her. If I could I would not even includethe kids- but they are small and they are with me all the time. I have such a strong urge to just go see her NOW. I have not done it for 6 years now because of my mom..... and I am angry about it. I feel like saying grow up and get some security! However I can never imagine how my mom feels. But can we also think about how our Birth mom feels? OMG! The pain and grief.

Oh- I can't wait to hear back from you.
I have never talked to someone about this who has been thru it before.

Thank you so much for replying.

I am excited to talk to all adopttees- I never talk to adoptees about this. Ever. I don't know any.

post #5 of 537
I’m an adoptee too, adopted at birth. It was supposed to be a closed adoption, but there was a small mix-up and papers that were supposed to go to my birth mother got sent to my adoptive mom. So my mom knew my birth mother’s name and some other small details about her. However, my whole life I’d never known more than my birth mother’s name. We had no idea where she was or even if she was alive. I kind of assumed I’d never meet her.

This may sound silly, but one of the main reasons I never started searching hard for her was because I was afraid I’d find out she was dead. I was so afraid of that, I would rather have lived with the feeling that she was out there somewhere and happy than know she was gone and I’d never know her.

BUT – my birth mother and I just found each other two weeks ago! It’s kind of an amazing story, as neither one of us was looking for the other, but the upshot is that we were reunited and we’re both absolutely thrilled. It was a shock to us both, and we were both floating on clouds for a week or so. We still are, really! So far we’ve just talked on the phone and emailed, but she’s coming to see me next month. I’m SO EXCITED!!

I’m very lucky in that my mom is just as happy as I am. She’s thrilled for me too. In fact she used to encourage me to find my birth mother, but she never pushed it as she knew it was my decision to make. She was instrumental in helping me and my birth mother find each other. She’ll love meeting my birth mother and wants to thank her in person for making such a loving, giving decision in giving me up for adoption.

Emilie, it must be so hard for you to try and balance the feelings of your mom with your own and those of your birth mom. Have you asked her exactly why she’s so upset about the prospect of you meeting your birth mom? Does she feel threatened, like she might be “replaced” as a mom or grandma, or is it something else? Maybe if you allow your mom to really open up and release her true emotions about you meeting your birth mom, just letting her tell you how she feels and letting her know you won't judge her for her feelings no matter what they are, she might feel more comfortable with the situation? It sounds like you need to have a serious talk. It’s not fair for you to have to stay away from your birth mother because of your mom’s insecurity, but I also understand that you don’t want to hurt your mom either.

Even though I’m new to this whole “meeting your birth mom” thing, only two weeks in now, I’d be happy to talk about this some more with you too. It’s a very emotional thing, isn’t it?
post #6 of 537
I was surprised at how I felt when I met my birthmom. I expected that she would be just a stranger, and that we'd be getting to know each other as strangers, but it wasn't like that at all.

Meeting my birthmom made me realize how much I didn't really feel I fit in with my family. When I saw my mom, I saw myself in her. I could recognize myself, and I realized that aspects of my personality that I'd always thought were maybe "wrong" because they weren't like the rest of my family (like being shy, artistic, easily overstimulated) were actually normal, and had I grown up in my bio family, I wouldn't have felt so weird all my life.

Anyway, it went like this exactly: I flew to Connecticut (where she lives). My half-sister, who I had a picture of, met me at the airport and drove me to their home. My biomom was at work and we were waiting for her to get home. I was in the yard when she came home, and she got out of the car, and was just watching me. Like she couldn't believe I was there. I walked over to her and we basically just looked at each other. We felt shy and we were very excited. Then we hugged for the longest time. At first we didn't talk much, we were just looking at each other. I could see that I looked like her, and also like my half-siblings. She was married and her husband (not my father) was very accepting of me and very kind and welcoming.

I kept that visit short because I knew it would be intense and we would both need time to process it and calm down. It wasn't that I wanted to leave; neither of us wanted me to go back, but I'm glad it was short to start (it was two days). When we drove back to the airport, I sat in the back with her, and held her hand (sounds silly, I know) and she just looked at me the whole time like she was trying to memorize everything about me.

I think meeting your bio mom is something you need to do. For yourself. There are questions that could be answered that you don't even realize you have. For me there was a feeling of connection that I hadn't experienced before.

I would suggest that you go visit her even though it will hurt your mom. Its been six years and you have given your mom ample time to come to grips with it. In some ways, it might be very therapeutic her - her worst nightmare is coming true, and guess what? She survived it! Nothing changed. Her daughter still loves her and is still her daughter. Her daughter didn't run off to be reparented by her birth mother. The loss she expected didn't happen. Now she can begin to heal, finally, from the fear that was in the background all her life.
post #7 of 537
I'm another adoptee, and found my birth mother 8 years ago. Sadly, she's still a very damaged and hurt person, and she was extremely angry with me; for being born, and for having traced her As far as she's concerned 'I've ruined her life', which is not ever what you want to hear. I know that I have siblings too..but don't see it being a realistic prospect for me to get into contact with them; I have no idea just how much pain I might cause in their lives...
post #8 of 537
Thread Starter 
congrats Oka san! that is so great your mom is sp supportive!!!

I totally can relate to what you said bellingham about feeling weird. We are so much alike
post #9 of 537
Thread Starter 
ok.... So I called her today at 6:30. She said she would call me back this evening. No call yet. This is my problem. I do not think I can handle being hurt by her. She would not mean to..... but I am so yearning for her right now. why?

and why has she not called? wtf. she is so nice when i call..... wtf.
post #10 of 537
Thread Starter 
oh and how do you go about finding out about someone who you dont know......
i just feel like i know her so well.... but i dont....

post #11 of 537
Well I am not an adoptee but a sister to one. I dont know if this qualifies me to give advice but here goes. My adv is about your mom wanting to go meet your bio mom, and feeling threatened about you meeting her. I agree that you will probably should meet her by yourself for the first time as things would be too stressfull with both moms there. If your bio mom is willing I think it might be nice for her to write a letter to your mom as a way of introducing each other. It would be great if she could write a letter that is non threatning, something that shows how glad she is that you have such a great mom and what a good job she did raising you. Something that infers that she is not going to try to step in and take over. I think this could be a way for your mom to release some of her fears with out the stress of a face to face confrontation.

Just as background, my adoptive sister's bio mom and dad are both dead. Her mother died giving birth to her and her father died within a year. She does have several sisters, a brother and cousins, aunts and uncles most of whom she has met. Our family has kept in contact with her bio fam all along and when she was in middle school she took a trip to Korea to meet them. Her sisters even came over for her wedding. Her bio fam is just like extended family to all of us. He bio cousin comes over to visit once in a while and fills our house with kimchee, and everybody writes to each other. We dont have many problems due to being in contact with each other since her birth so not much to relate to on that front. I do think it is a good idea to meet your bio fam and let your fam know that it is not a replacement just more exteded fam. Like a long lost aunt. Good luck I hope it all works out.
post #12 of 537
Thread Starter 
post #13 of 537

There are some excellent book recommendations at www.bastardnation.org. You are not alone. I think you would really find some of the people's stories illuminating. No one understands like another adoptee.

(My own mother predeceased my finding my biomom, there are worse things than having to deal with that particular angst. )

I don't have much time, but wanted to reply. Good luck.
post #14 of 537
Thread Starter 

I am not sure what predeceased means?

I will go check it out.
thank you!
post #15 of 537

Adoptee too -- found bmom & other family

Hi, Emilie and everyone else here. I am an adoptee. I found my birthmom in 2002. I went on to have a beautiful daughter in 2004.

Adoption is full of emotions. All of your feelings are normal Emilie. I started going to an adoption support group for help and this is where I found out all these feelings are normal. I read "The Other Mother", and books by adoptees such as Joe Soll. This really helped!

I was terrified I would find my birthmother dead or that she would not want to know me. I told myself, over and over again that none of it was about me and that I love myself.

I was concerned it would hurt my adoptive parents to search and find. I finally realized that they needed to deal with it and there emotions surrounding adoption, as they are grown ups. I needed to search and later decided to contact. My birthmother and my adoptive mother are two different people and you can love so many people, as all of us mothers know! I needed love myself first.

For me, looking for her and finding her was a VERY emotional experience. It also opened up a NEW, stronger and happier me!
post #16 of 537

Predeceased & congrats to everyone!

I think it means that her adoptive mother died before she found her birthmother.

I also want to congratulate everyone for sharing. It is very courageous.

For me, it was so hard to even say the "A" word for so long. I never talked about it really, as my adoption was closed.
post #17 of 537
Thread Starter 
Thanks mamas. She has not called- tho I gave her my number and said to call when she has time. Hmmm.... I am waiting anxiously to know she got the pictures I sent. I may call her this evening to see. I sent them Monday without a zip code- so it takes longer. I know she lvoes me- she says it every time I talk to her. I have been coming on strong this time. She probally wants me to slow down....

You are right. It is NOT my JOB to solve my parents issues on this. I need to do what is right for me. As I know they think they are trying to protect me.... in reality they are more concerned for themselves... or they would be more open and caring to MY feelings. I just figyured this out in therapy- tho not sure I actually believe it yet.

I was always open about being adopted. I always knew. I never thought or accepted that it did affect me. Not that I think adoption is BAD at all! So that was hard to admit. I think honesty is such a good policy and that is what I do not have with my mom.

I am undecided as to whether I want to talk to my dad about this. Or if I should just leave them out. Since that is what they seem to want since they won't bring it up. Gosh. I hope I can be more open with my kids and helpful.
post #18 of 537


I wanted to add that adoptees first grew inside a woman -- a mother. Many of us are mothers here so we know what this is about now.

We then lost that mother, in a closed adoption -- lost information on our past and could not be held by our first mother. We LOST quite a bit. But, I never realized it hurt me to loss my mother. Once I grieved losing her, a new me emerged.
post #19 of 537
Thread Starter 
I like what you said.
What is my next step with her? A letter? I have sent 2 she has not recieved yet/ Both last week?
Today she knew I was calling back and did not answer. We had a short under a minute talk- my phone was messed up- I said I'll call on my dh's phone. She did not answer?

She is getting ready to move and I worry she will get away from me.
She tells me she loves me. Etc. She is usually nice. I just get a weird feeling this time. She has NEVER been mean. She just seems really busy.

I DO NOT want to feel this way. AT ALL.

I am looking for acceptance- from someone who already accepts me. Just maybe she does not want to know me anymore.
post #20 of 537
emilie, I hear the worry and fear in your posts. It's like you've come so far, so close, and the fear of losing something you really value and want is intense! There are no easy comforts, and I wanted to just share my in this post.

I, too, am an adult adoptee of a closed adoption back in the day (1969). I was fortunate enough to be able to conduct a free search through the state for one birth relative a few years back, and discovered my birth mom died in 1983. However, her sisters are alive and I've developed an amazingly close relationship with one. Because of that I see how certain personality traits are actually inherited in me (and my daughters), including the tendency to research and think critically (unlike my adopted family). We have a lot in common and it was more than refreshing to meet her and talk about my biomom. It was thrilling to meet people who shared a few things in common with me physically. Unfortunately I don't know anything about my biodad, whom I evidently look just like. Sigh. I'm sure he was never told about me, and I have no $$ to find him for many years. Hopefully he'll be interested and alive when I can get that together.

If it is going to happen with your biomom, it will. If not now, perhaps after her move. Or after she feels ready to open her own self up to the possibility of rejection. I imagine it might feel really crappy or scary to meet your own biochild as an adult, with her own young children; it might make her feel incredibly vulnerable. Hang in there. I know it's not easy, but it will evolve.

I have loved the bastardnation site for years. If no adoptee has ever seen it, i recommend you take a look through.
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