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Looking for adoptees to discuss things with. - Page 2

post #21 of 537
Forgot I wanted to add a little bit about my relationship with my bioaunt.

She is very protective of her privacy, and my own parents - particularly my mom - are terrible at respecting personal boundaries. I made the mistake of telling them the names of my birth aunts and they went out and drove by their houses after looking up their addresses in the phone book! (they lived within an hour or so from each, and I live 10+ hours away) without telling me until afterward. And my mom even went to one house unannounced and uninvited, against my explicit instructions, to just chat. Luckily that bioaunt wasn't home that day.

So, I have a very separate but public relationship with my birth family. They've been amazingly supportive. Truly. But my parents have never met them, even though they want to, because they can't stop their inappropriate behavior. And I rather like having this relationship all to myself, a happy, sustaining family member who likes me and respects my boundaries and likes the same kinds of things I do. I am very protective, too, because it is important to me. If my parents bring it up, we talk, but I don't give out too many details. And it's working so far.
post #22 of 537
Emilie, I’ve been reading your posts and I can sense your pain and confusion about how your birth mother is behaving right now, not answering the phone and not returning your calls. It must be so hard for you, to want a connection and to have her be responding to you the way she is…

This is just a guess, of course, but maybe it’s because she’s embarrassed to reveal herself fully to you? You said she’s an alcoholic. Maybe when she hasn’t picked up the phone when you called, it was because she was under the influence of alcohol and didn’t want to talk to you when she was intoxicated. Perhaps she feels that you’ll dislike her because of her drinking and she’s trying to protect herself. Like Skim said, it’s possible that she fears you’ll reject her. From what you’ve written, it certainly doesn’t sound like you’re going to reject her, but her own fears and self-doubts are factors too, and maybe she’s afraid of your reaction.

Of course this is pure speculation but I thought I might put it out there. I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time with this. Keep us updated, okay?

Skim, I’m going to go and check out bastardnation. I’ve never seen it, so thanks for the heads up!
post #23 of 537
Thread Starter 
thanks! so much! yes i agree with you. i am hoping some of my mail gets to her today.
post #24 of 537
I am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. I have a great relationship with my birth mother and siblings. It took years of "work" for us to get to this place. Although I love my birth mother for giving me life, I think of her as more of a best friend than my mother. As a child my mother (adoptive) loved, nurtured and cared for me. She has passed away and it makes me sad that she never got to meet dh or my beautiful children. We all make choices in our lives and choosing to parent or giving your child for adoption is for some one of the most difficult decisions a woman will make. I don't want to offend anyone but my feeling is that being a "mother" is not just giving birth. Being a mother is what we all do day in and day out.

I wish you the best on this journey. It's a very emotional time. I hope all your questions are answered and you find peace.

Good luck.
post #25 of 537


I think it's best to drop the labels -- that a mother is a mother.

Even if our (first) mother did not keep us --she gave life and loves us from a distance. Perhaps she did not have support to keep her child and maybe in their time society/her family did not ever let her feel this was their baby. I've met so many moms who lost their children through CUB, etc... Have any of you read "The Other Mother"?
post #26 of 537
Thread Starter 
Hello. I found my pictures of her.... and I just keep looking at them. I want to call her SO BAD. I am thinking I should wait till tomorrow tho.

She looks like me. She did not when I got them- 6 years ago- but I look like her now. We have similar hands and feet and legs even. OUr smiles are the same. And our cheeks....

She is much taller than I tho at 5'10. She looks happy in the pictures. I am glad to look at them. I am hoping she got mine. I think I'll call and ask. But it hurts when she does not want to talk. But that is ok. It is her choice to.
post #27 of 537
Thread Starter 
I have not read the other mother. What is it about?
Any other reccomendations are great to!

I am going to go check out bastard nation now too.... since I have more time and maybe then I won't call her!

Her name is Sandy.
post #28 of 537
Thread Starter 
thanks mama.... i needed someone to talk to.

I found out why she has been acting so weird....

she is on drugs. She was busted in may and that is why she has to move.... so they drop the case on her.... she has possesion with intent.....

I worry so much that my flakioness pushed her back onto drugs/...... if she wasn't on them then 6 years ago when i found her. I want to call and ask her....

I know these things are not my issue- she made sure of it.... i am disappointed.
post #29 of 537
Thread Starter 
HELLO. I TALKED TO HER THIS EVENING.... SHE WAS SOBER and we had a good talk. she has alot goin on with having to move- getting robbed etc....

She has been dion this for about 2 years- and has off and on her whole life. She will not continue once she moves and does not think that will be a problem.

whew. I am glad I feel I can talk honestly with her.
hopefully we will get into a routine we are comfortable with our communication. I brought up wanting to talk once a month and writing etc.

I am basically ignoring at this time what to do about my real mom- or amom....

I want to get this strait with sandy first- and when it is healthy and i feel good about it- maybe i will share something with my mom.

I guess she put the pictures of me in frames today so she did not ruin them.
I am more comfortable with her having them today because she was coherent and so pleased.

I think- I know what happened is this-
Oh no- you don't love me! oH NO! I will freak out and cling to you for dear life! LOL!
That is me. DON"T like to be rejected ya know.

She recognizes that she got in over her head. She said she does not look bad from it and her teeth are not rotting out of her head and she does not have a messed up face. I am glad. Cause I was picturing it bad.
We joked around and it felt nice.

I am glad she was sober and it went well....
post #30 of 537
Oh, Emilie, I’m so glad you finally talked to her! And that you had a good talk and that she was sober and you were able to connect well. It’s a shame that she’s using drugs – that’s pretty scary. I hope that she gets the help and healing she needs after her move, and that she’s able to stay straight like she says she will. But what a good sign that she opened up to you and let you into her life and told you what’s going on!

I think it’s probably a good idea for you to figure out your relationship with Sandy before you start dealing with the whole thing with your mom too. Each issue is a huge one on its own, and dealing with both of them at once sounds like it’s just too big a burden for you to have to shoulder.

Remember to take care of yourself, too; your feelings are every bit as important as those of your birth mother and your mom. I’m so happy for you that you’re feeling good about things right now. Peace and light to you on your journey of discovery!
post #31 of 537
Thread Starter 
So much.
I talked to her also at 11:30. It is weird because of this drug every time I talk to her- she is different. It is sad. But I am glad she is honest. I hope she does get clean for herself. Her using drugs does not affect me directly- I have to remember that.
When I was little I thought she would be like Donna Reed! LOL!
No donna reed there!

But she is a nice lady and very smart.

post #32 of 537
Thread Starter 
omg. I looked up the newspaper of the town my bio dad is from.... well i typed in his name- his mom died. It was right there. so easy. he was one of ten and had a twin sister who is also deceased as well as 2 brothers.... yikes. there were 24um25) grandchildren- 24 great grandchildren when she passed away a year ago....

it said she liked to volunteer and play bingo- as well as be a grandma. I don't think she resembles me- but she was 84 when she died and the pic was when she was elderly too. that is around when my grandma died to. he is married and lives in washington. i called 411 and he sure does. i looked him up on google and all i could find was someone by that name running for local office? wonder if its him....

I would have 1/2 sisters and brothers..... wow. and lots of cousins!lol....

dont think ill open this can of worms yet tho!

not sure whtethger to tell sandy or not.
post #33 of 537
I am an adoptee and have had my birthmother's personal information for years. Yet I can't bring myself to contact her. I am afraid of disrupting her life, afraid she may want nothing to do with me, afraid of hurting my parents.

I have called before and asked for some off name person. Silly I know but I have just wanted to hear her voice, which I find to be very pleasant.

I would love to find the courage to call and introduce myself, tomorrow is my birthday and around this time of year I always wonder if she is thinking of me.

Maybe one day........................
post #34 of 537

Contacting (birth)mothers -- just do it -- when ready

I know how hard it is to call. I reached a point where I just knew I had to do it. 9-11 passed. I thought about it -- the what if I wait thing. What if I wait, and...

The worst that can happen if you contact is that they are not in a place, frame of mind, to talk. The best -- is whatever you hope for. So many mothers also long to talk to the child they lost -- but so many think it is NOT their place and are waiting for us!

It has been amazing for me to connect with my birthmother. We have so much in common. My life has improved.

I spent an entire year reading and submerging myself in adoption issues. I have read dozens of books, heard presentations, went to a Concerned United Birthparents retreat, a professional adoption conference, and adoption healing retreats. I have met many (birth) moms and adoptees.

I HIGHLY suggest reading "The Other Mother" by Carol Schaefer, an adoption book such as Lost and Found by Betty Jean Lifton and looking over some topics in http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org. birthpyschology.com also has many articles on birth and one on adoption and birth.
post #35 of 537
Thread Starter 
I want to get that book. It sounds good.

Hugs Granola Mom. Have you ever talked to your parents about this?
I am glad I called my bio mom. She had been waiting for me. She had hope.
Her birth son has not contacted her( my birth bro) and we think about him.

So.... what does anyone think about this bio dad stuff? I am hoping to get some info about him in a round about way...
post #36 of 537

Good resource -- birth pyschology

I found this to be a very good site -- with many good articles that many natural moms might enjoy. There is a good section on adoption:

post #37 of 537
Thread Starter 
I just checked it out and bookmarked it.
Thanks alot.
post #38 of 537
Thread Starter 
I have his number and address. I have called and hung up twice. I looked up his house on the google sattelite. What do I do now? call write a letter- leave it alone?
post #39 of 537
Thread Starter 
Dear John,

My name is Emilie. I was born in October 1980.
I was adopted at birth by a loving family and have lived a good life so far.
My birth mother is Sandra Wallace and I believe you to be my biological father.

I am interested in some general medical information about your family.

I would be interested in knowing about you- whatever if anything you are willing to share.

I am curious if I look like you or any of your family also.

I have enclosed a picture of me on my wedding day- December 28th, 2002..

I hope that this does not disrupt your life as I do not want locating you to change mine either.

Contacting you was a very difficult decision for me to make. I first looked up your name on the computer and found that your mother has passed away. I am sorry for your loss.
I then saw in the obituary that 4 of your siblings are also deceased. I thought I should get some medical information due to this.

Thank you for your time and understanding.


ok- how is this? critque please...... and tell me if im crazy too!
post #40 of 537


I will post my story later..........
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