Looking for adoptees to discuss things with. - Page 19

[Emilie]

Well. The honeymoon period is over at my parents house and they are once again being abusive.
At least that is the way I see it.
The incidents seem silly at most- but it is a direct POINT that I am the "faulty" one in every situation- the defective one- the one that should conform. Scapegoat. Just think of the life I would have had had they not adopted me- WHY am I not grateful!?

Last night I talked to my mom about the possiblity of going out Wednesday night with a friend if she would watch the kids as already discussed. I had mentioned the possiblity of going out wiht my brother- but I told her I did not think we would do that as he has not even spoken to me the entire week and is acting pissed at me.
Her response- well he is just upset about you not unlearning your habits and it annoys him.
Like what I ask- Leaving the TV on and stuff.
I try so hard when I am here to avoid the nitpicking. YES- I do leave tv's on.... sometimes even lights- Is it a MORTAL sin? no. Is it worth making me anxious and feeling bad- to them- OF COURSE! I might as well shoot crack in the closet. So she would rather I go out with my bro- since then she would not have to worry about me turning into an alcoholic and leaving my family for a life of hooking on the street. As if. My parents get drunk nightly- just on wine and gin and tonics. But I am the one because of my genes to hav eto worry about alcholism- that has NOTHING to do with them! Whatever.
So last night ds wanted pizza My mom says that my brother has brought one home and it is in the basement. My dad backs her up saying- just cook it and we will get him another one tomorrow. OK. So we do. It is pepperoni- I am a vegetarian- I did not eat it.

This morning my brother comes up and scolds me for eating his pizza. Thanks- I got that for myself he says.
I say Mom and Dad said it would be ok and they would get you another one today.
Dad says NO- MOM said it would be Ok. I didn't.
You have got to be kidding me. Throw mom to the wolves. men stick together.
Then my dad leaves and comes back in to say. " Can I make a suggestion- next time you almost empty the coffee pot make another cup- I really wanted one on my way out this morning." Very irritated and upset with me.
They have this big stainless steel contraption that you can not see thru- I had NO idea that there was no coffee left or I would have made another pot as I had only had one cup myself.
So I try to explain and he - ignoring my rebuttle- just walks out the door.

These may seem silly- and maybe they are- but this is a family who allowed me to be beaten and terrorized by my younger brother- at no fault of his own because of my doing things like " leaving my shoes in the living room"
So I guess I am a bit sensitive when it comes to them.
But Gosh. It is the overall tone. The eggshell walking to not get my dad pist or my bro angry done by my mom and I.

I am sick of playing there games- this is not a healthy atmosphere and it takes me back to the disturbing time I grew here.

If you made it this far- thanks. I am probally overreactnig. But it is upseting to me and I needed to vent.

[Oka-san]

Wow, Emilie, this is supposed to be a relaxing time for you and you’ve got to deal with all this petty crap from your family instead? Ugh, that sucks. You’d think they’d be happy to have you there, and love you and support you and enjoy you and your kids’ company for the holiday, instead of freaking out about a cup of coffee or a stupid frozen pizza -- come on! Your brother can’t let his nephew have some of his pizza?? They are the ones who are overreacting. Blah.

Here are some more hugs for you. I don’t have a lot of advice but just know I’m thinking of you!

[Emilie]

Thanks OkaSan. Sorry I haven't called. I feel very repetitive.
I thought about Sandy last night and think I may send her a flower on the 25th. That is the day her firstborn son was born and she also gave him up at birth. What do you all think?
I thought I wouuld just put Thinking of you Today. I am sure he is thinking of you too- or something like that to acknowledge him.
He will be 30 this year.

Emilie

[Emilie]

Yes- my dads motto is" I have to be nice to people all day at work- I should be able to come home and act how I want and you all should still love me.

SWEAR to God. He says it. Ick.

[Oka-san]

I think the flower is a good idea, Emilie. It seems like you should just go ahead and continue doing nice things for her, and writing her nice letters, and loving her, even if she doesn’t reciprocate in the same way. These are things you’re doing to heal your heart and to make your own connection with Sandy, so do what feels right in your heart. I think honoring her firstborn son is a beautiful gesture.

Your dad needs to be whacked with the perspective stick. This way, he’ll end up alienating all the people at home who are “supposed to love him no matter how he acts” and then where will he be? He’ll be able to come home to a house with none of his kids or grandkids in it someday. He’ll still be able to act like a jerk, except nobody will be around to witness it or love him despite his behavior. Hope that’s what will make him happy, cause that's what's coming for him. Sheesh.

[Emilie]

I know it girl. I guess his dad was the same way- and he hated it
( who wouldn't)
My brother is the same way- and I to a certain extent take out my frustrations on my mom as well. I have to be very careful.
Yes- I think it definetly shows true charecter how you behave behind closed doors.
Emilie

[TigerTail]

I'm sorry, hon.

I recommend a good dose of the Roseanne marathon & revel in the dysfunction. Me & my three are all snuggling on the couch laughing (sometimes painfully- my parental perfection has been a long time coming, & almost-20 dd bore the brunt of my learning curve).

Virtual hugs from Florida.

[Emilie]

I'm starting over our thread? Anyone object or have any input.
I think we needed a break. But I am up for "some" discussion.

[Turkish Kate]

Well, I've had a turnabout in my situation and would appreciate some input.

To recap: I was adopted and raised by my grandparents, knowing them as my "mom and dad," and my biomom as my sister (along with three other sisters). See previous post for more detailed information.

I had an email earlier this week, where the only sis (CJ2) I talk to (the one who hasn't disowned me) has said that biomom would like my address so that she can write to me. Now, I hadn't seen biomom for something like 18 years before this summer, where she met my DH and my DD (13 yo) for the first time. She has never made a move to contact me, even though CJ2 has always had my address, email, phone, etc. I have no anger towards her, only sadness that her life is such a mess (substance abuse, bipolar, poor economic situation, etc) and that she has always blamed me (!) for the lack of any relationship between us.

I don't hold a grudge, although I do like to keep my eyes open to reality. I have no illusion that we will have some kind of tearful meet-up where all hurts from the past are wiped away and we walk off into the sunset, hand-in-hand. I am too old and far too cynical to believe in that fantasy. It has taken me many years to get over the hurt/anger/rejection by my biomom and the lies perpetuated by my (a) parents. The most I think I can realistically hope for, or even want, is some sort of a distant acquaintanceship (is that a word?) where we exchange emails every now and then and maybe a card or two.

I told CJ2 that it would be okay to give biomom my address and email, and that snail mail is not totally reliable here and email is much better (not to mention faster). But this has been stewing around in the back of my mind ever since. I know what a user she is. I honestly think that the only reason that she wants to get in contact with me is that she hopes to get some money from me/DH. (DH's family is rather well off and we live quite well.) I sat down at the table with DH and told him of my fears, even going so far as to explain how the letters will go: 1st letter--pleasantries, what have you been up to, how is the baby, etc. 2nd letter--here's what's going on in my life, insert financial probs, wants to leave her DH, move back home, etc. Or wants a free trip to Istanbul. 3rd letter--more of #2, most likely accusations of me being angry and so not helping her, etc. It may take more than 3 letters, but not much more. Bipolars have very little patience.

I really have serious doubts that she desires any relationship with me, other than a financial contribution. I don't think that she is interested in DD or in the new baby (due in March) in a grandparent-type way. However, I am somewhat open to the idea of corresponding with her, just to see what comes of it.

Discussion?

[Emilie]

I know you sound hopeful. I still am hopeful my bio mom will get it together some day and be ok to be with.
I hope she contacts you nicely soon.
Em

[lifescholar]

Kate, I hope that something good will come of this....I think you need to ask yourself "How will I feel if I don't maintain contact?" If you think you would always wonder "what if?", then I think you should go ahead and see what happens. If you think you could live with cutting off contact, then do that!

You can take a chance, but be prepared to step back if it seems that she is just going to use you....you have to look out for yourself, and realistically, you're not going to solve her problems, so you don't have to feel guilty if you do decide to step back.

P.S. I'm fairly new, but I'm an adoptee as well, and have been in reunion with my natural family since May 2002. My mom is fantastic, and has always supported my desire to reunite. She and my natural mom had a bit of a falling out a few years back, but she and my natural dad are very close, which makes me really happy!

My relationship with my natural mom is off-and-on. Thankfully, she has it together, but there has always just been something missing between us...

[Turkish Kate]

Well there's the thing. I don't think that I'm missing anything. I have no great desire for a relationship with her as a parent-figure. I grew up knowing her as my "sister," so it's not like we've had the usual biomom/adopted kid reunions. She's always been there, but on the periphery--not just of my life, but the family in general. Usually the only time that she gets in touch with anyone is when she needs money or wants a place to crash for a while. But at the same time, I don't want to be the bitter, cynical one (which of course I am) and tell her "thanks but no thanks." I suppose there's a part of me that wants to give her a chance (at what, I don't know), but there's the other part that knows how she has always been (and even was last summer). I know I'm not making sense, forgive me. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

[Emilie]

I think I understand that you want to give her a chance to be OK and normal and not the person everyone believes her to be. Why wouldn't you want that!?
You can give her a hundred chances and maybe one time it will be ok? It is totally up to you how many tries she gets with you?
You have to set up and be clear about what you are comfortable with.
It sounds like she is just really messed up- right. It is not your fault she is.
It just isn't.

[Emilie]

Hello fellow adoptees.
I am sad this thread has died down. I fear it is due to my "sad ending" and I want you all to know in my mind it was SO WORTH IT to meet her. OF course it was a nightmare as well.... one of our biggest fears.... but it is not as bad as it sounds - really. I am truly glad I met her.

I took another leap and contacted my bio mothers family. Who she has not spoken to in at least 20 years.

She has an interesting background- I will catch you up.
The woman who raised her and she thought to be her mother ends up being her step mother. She learns this at age 19 when she goes to get married and see's her birth certificate for the first time.
Her stepmother and father had been married- then divorced. Her father married another woman- had my birth mother- then her mother died of a brain tumor and her father returned with Sandy to his ex wife and they remarried and raised the family together.
She was never told this but always felt different from her siblings. She hates her stepmother.
So I think all the time about why her birth mother died- I am concerned for medical reasons of course.

So I finally decide to call her father- thinking I will have a hard time. I know his name and the town they lived in. I called information and dialed the number. IT WAS HER STEPMOTHER!
Her father( my grandfather) has passed 4 years ago. Sandy is not aware of this- which is sad....- but I only talked to her in confidence so I will not be passing along this info to Sandy.

Anyway- I ask about Sandy's real mom and the step mother informs me that Sandy was adopted by her father and mother!!!! A couple who was poor and had a few other kids basically sold her to them. Her father- nor her mother was not her real mother after all.
I was dumbfounded and said well Sandy did not know this- and she had thought she did. But she did not. She even talked about how ds looks like her dad and brother- etc. OMG.

HOW HUGE IS THIS!

No wonder she is messed up right.

I will never tell her this.... but wow. So disturbing right?

This is crazy for so many reasons. Here I have spent my whole life looking for people who look like me- shoot even the other day I saw a girl who resembled me SO much and even if we were related we would NEVER know- because I would be looking for the wrong names- etc.
Sandy is where my genetic link stops. And hopefully John too. But wow. Right.

Anyway- her stepmother was very kind and wants to meet me. She lives near my parents so the next time I go see them I intend to visit her. WE exchanged addresses and phone numbers.
I hope to get some pictures of my bio mom as a child thru her and maybe any other papers about her. It would just be nice to have.

She also said that Sandy was always troubled.
She said that she would get called to school for what Sandy showed up wearing. Very shocking.
She also said she always was dating older men. If she was 12 they were 17- etc. Which is VERY interesting. Since I have done the same thing. I also always have attracted older men- from the time I was a child. I wonder if that has a strong link from her or just from both being adopted children?

Anyway..... that is what I wanted to tell you all about.

Please continue posting. Let me know what is going on in your process- even if you are choosing to just put it away for now.

Emilie

[Billie]

Question for adoptees...

Originally Posted by BabyBumblebee

I'm another adoptee, and found my birth mother 8 years ago. Sadly, she's still a very damaged and hurt person, and she was extremely angry with me; for being born, and for having traced her As far as she's concerned 'I've ruined her life', which is not ever what you want to hear. I know that I have siblings too..but don't see it being a realistic prospect for me to get into contact with them; I have no idea just how much pain I might cause in their lives...

Interesting how I somehow happened upon this thread today, when this has been such a hot topic in my family this past week.

Question for you and other adoptees....

If you were searching for your birth parents, posted a message on an online adoptee search board, would you want a possible uncle/aunt/cousin etc. to contact you, even if that person knows the birth mother wants absolutely nothing to do with her son?

[Emilie]

yes.

[lifescholar]

For sure!! Relatives are relatives....I was just really curious about my natural family....

[Naughty Dingo]

Hi friends,

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on the thread!

I had a beautiful baby girl a couple weeks ago and have been spending lots of sweet sweet time away from the computer.

Take care, ND

[Emilie]

thats wonderful! I am so glad you are having some good time with your dd!!!

Welcome baby!

[TigerTail]

Wow, Emilie, that's intense. Kind of like midway through my journey of getting to know my birthmom & her finding out on her mom's deathbed that her dad wasn't *her* dad either, but that he married her mom when she was pg. So many twists & turns in trying to establish our roots!

Sorry I haven't been around much, it wasn't you- I just burn out if I get too deep on a subject & right now for me it is adoption & mental illness. I only have enough emo energy to expend on a coupla things at a time, kwim?