Looking for adoptees to discuss things with. - Page 3

[Emilie]

hey! i just just read a post from you for a few years ago!

[Oka-san]

Hi, Emilie!

I think it’s a very good idea for you to send a letter to your birth father! I don’t think you’re crazy at all. Who knows, maybe he’ll be really happy to hear from you. And if he isn’t, well, it won’t be significantly different for you than things were before. I guess, anyway, although that’s probably more dependent on your own mental state than anything else. How will you feel if he doesn’t react well?

For some reason I have never been all that interested in finding my biological father. I’m still not. My birth mom says he basically took off after she found out she was pregnant, and she hasn’t seen or heard from him since. She has no idea where he is or how to find him. That’s okay with me. She’s the important person to me, for whatever reason.

I’ve read your letter too – let me comment! It looks good, with the relevant points well outlined, but somehow it strikes me as a bit impersonal, a little too unemotional. Like the part where you talk about your wedding picture; instead of saying “I have enclosed a picture” you might say “I thought you’d like to see a picture of me on my wedding day”. You might also leave out the part about wanting medical information for yourself because four of his siblings have died already… it sounds a bit too clinical for a first contact, especially on such an emotional subject, do you know what I mean? If you start corresponding with him, you’ll probably find out how his siblings died and then you can decide whether or not it’s relevant to your life. Maybe also focus just a bit more on him and his feelings about contacting his biological daughter? He might respond more favorably if he feels like you understand what a big deal this might be for him too. Of course this is just my opinion. Take from it what you will.

This is another big step you’re taking. You’ve got a lot to deal with right now for sure. Hang in there, stay true to yourself, and things are going to work out okay, you’ll see!

And hey, guess what? My birth mom has made plane and hotel reservations to come out and see me next month. She’s going to be here for my birthday! We both think that’s very symbolic for our first meeting. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

One very interesting thing she told me was that she had suppressed my birthday in her memory. She actually had to ask me when my birthday was. She thinks that the whole experience was traumatic enough for her that she took the most intense parts and pushed them deep down into her mind, so that they wouldn’t rise up and cause her pain later on. The human mind sure works in interesting ways.

Let me know what you decide to do next, Emilie! I’m really interested to hear more developments from you.

[Emilie]

I am interested in yours too! WOW! Next month!

My birth mom's birthday is 2 days before mine! She can't forget it. And the son she gave up was born on Thanksgiving 1976- NOv. 25th....

The reason I wrote the letter like that is that I do not want to much of a relationship with him. Not like her. I want to feel him out first. He had just gotten out of prison when she met him and they did speed together. Basically it. She left cause he was not being nice and when she called to say she was pg- he said it was not his.

I am giving him the benefit of 26 years and possible he got his life together. HE is married now and most likely has childen of his own. I do not want to "get together" with him at this point and I guess my being cold is to make this point clear. but yes- I agree with you.... I just want to call him!LL! I hate snail mail!

OK,.... I'll critique.....

yes- i never had a care about him- till i got this info soooooo easy.

[Oka-san]

Ah, I gotcha.

I understand what you mean about trying to be kind of cold in order to get the message across that you’re not looking forward to a sweet loving reunion with him or having him be your second “daddy” and stuff like that. It’s interesting how neither of us is all that enthusiastic about a relationship with our biological fathers, isn’t it? I’m sure it’s got something to do with the fact that our bio moms carried us for 9 months and then gave birth to us. There’s a strong bond there that has more than just DNA connected to it.

I was just worried that if your letter comes across as too impersonal that he might not want to respond at all, and then you’d never get the information you’re seeking. If he feels some warmth from the letter he might be more inclined to give you a favorable answer and you can take it from there. 26 years is indeed a long time and he’s probably a much different person than the one he was way back then!

I sure hope you get the response you’re looking for from him. I’ll wait for your update after the snail mail gets back and forth (and yes, it is too slow, isn’t it?)

[Emilie]

thanks. I am revising the letter right now! I want to call him now tho and get it over with!

Em

[Emilie]

Dear John:

My name is Emilie. I was born in October of 1980 and put up for adoption.
My birth mother is Sandra Wallace. I believe you to be my biological father.

I would greatly appreciate it if you could contact me at ___________________
Sincerely,

Emilie St.Peter

how is this?

do you think he will reply- or should i just call him?

[mb722toddler]

I liked your original letter

Hi, I liked your original letter -- except maybe leaving off the part about the deceased relatives. Also, maybe think about editing your posts here and not listing your personal information for safety/security reasons?

Best to you.

[mb722toddler]

Oka-San

Glad you will be meeting your mother. Many mothers do not remember the exact date of birth of their child.

My experience has been -- growing up not knowing who she was, I DREAMED/IMAGINED a certain type of person -- yet she (my bmom) is who she is (very different than my dream).

[Emilie]

Yes- definetly. She is.... I am a bit ugh about her now. She was dong better 4-6 years ago- but she is messed up now.... I am sad.

[Emilie]

stpo me fro calling him. shje is being so wird about it now- now she says he wont know who she is.... before there were all these stories.....i know this is hard for her.... i want to know the truth now. and why dop i care so much.

[Emilie]

I called him

I called him. It was wonderful. truly wonderful. I am to call him tomorrow. He has changed alot since back then. He is happy I called. He went into the peace core to africa for 4 years. He is now a auditor with the US Army.

He said she was a bit wild back then.....

I dont want to tell her and crush her that he is doing well.....omg.

I never expected this. I sounded like an idiot btw. He was so nuce. I have brothers..... they are 11 and 14..... omg........ i am so balling my eyes out right now..... I am so glad I called.....so glad.....

his wife answered and she got him. I said is this a good time? then I said- i dont know! what i said. ok... i said... Ummm..... I might be your daughter. My birth mom is sandy wallace- do you know her- remember her from Grand island? I just dont know..... i can't wait to call him tomorrow. he was very nice and said this was great.

[Emilie]

So... I am calmed down now. Still happy- trying to be realistic. He seemed very nice and not at all saying I wasn't his.

I look forward to our talk today.

[bunnybartlett]

OH Emilie

I am so excited for you!! That is just great!!

I guess we can never assume things about people.I am so glad you called too..........

[Oka-san]

Wow! What great news! You really took control and did what you wanted and needed to do, and look how things turned out. I’m so happy for you!

Keep on telling us how things progress. I’m following along with great interest!

[mb722toddler]

Great!

Great -- I am happy for you. Your courage is wonderful and inspiring.

[Emilie]

hey- you dont know till you call ya know. i could not stand the thought of waiting on a letter!

[granolamom]

Emilie, I am so very happy for you, what a blessing!
Granolamom

[Emilie]

Thanks so much. I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment with it. Happy but anxious for him to realize I am actually his biological dd. I hope we do not have to do dna... or anything like that... but whatever he feels comfortable with ya kow. He just wants to get to know me now. He is happy. I hope I am his.
.

[Naughty Dingo]

Emilie, I am so happy for you, read your post in
TAO.

I found my birth mother a year ago, and am in the process of searching for my birth father.

I have a relationship with my birth mother and her husband. It is very intense and I feel very overwhelmed, but it is also a positive relationship. Just way too much, too soon, too different from the private way with boundaries that I feel comfortable with.

I told my mother that I found my birth mom and at first she was positive, then came back with a very negative reaction. I have shared nothing more. My father doesn't know. I don't have a very close or comfortable relationship with my parents.

As glad as I am, the whole thing stresses me out, and as someone already said in this thread, we can't control what our kids say...... This is not something I have control over, I can't place and keep boundaries.

I feel really overwhelmed and so guilty about these new relationships and the impact on my parents.

I wish I hadn't told my mother but I felt so much pressure from my birth mom to do so. She seemed like she really wanted me to and kept asking me. I finally told my mother because I didn't want bmom to feel like I was ashamed or something. Now it is horrible for me and gives me so much pain. It would be so much easier if my mom didn't know who this person was, only that she is a "friend" of our family.

My birth mom and her husband come to visit us much more frequently than my folks do. She wants to come for long periods of time, which I am not comfortable with. I don't want to hurt her or make her feel rejected but I need my space to work it all out.

Boy, it feels good to get some of this out. It has been wieghing on me so heavily.


ND

[Emilie]

Oh honey! I feel your pain- I do! My mom freaked out. Totally freaked out.

I too feel guilty on both sides- guilty for talking to biomom- guilty for not. Yup.

I suggest you try to talk openly with both women. Here is what I want.

It will be better.