Looking for adoptees to discuss things with. - Page 24

[Emilie]

My bdad supposedly hit my bmom and that is why they split up. I belive her and it is okay with me now.
He has changed.

[Emilie]

Thanks. Your approval means alot to me. I do not want to say the wrong things but I am just speaking from my heart.
Thank you moonbeem.
I know. It is amazing to me too how much I see now.....
Emilie

[Emilie]

Yes. My bio mom and I always joked about meeting on Oprah or some other show like that.
I think that had you met your bio mom alone it probally would have been nicer for you? Wow. That must have been so overwhelming for you and terrifying. My heart breaks.
I am thinking now how my bio mom probally felt coming here to my family right away. Well me and dh and ds and dd. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a while to talk but she had wanted to see the kids and my home etc.

I hope that you can begin to build a healthy relationship with them.
I always cry at those reunion shows.

[Sarahbunny]

Yeah, I think it would have been a little easier if it had just been her and I. Instead it was me, my dh (who I would have desperately wanted there), her, her husband and both girls. In a hotel lobby, of all places. We shook hands and proceeded to lunch...and Iknew it wasn't going well, but I called her that night from the hotel room and explained that I am really shy with new people but that I was looking forward to spending the next day at their house, just hanging out, looking at pictures and playing games - very low key and kind of what we all agreed on, you know? then the next day, she called and suggest we go to the Natural History Museum instead.

I don't even like Natural History! But we went, cut it short and met up for dinner that night - and at the hotel (they came to have us follow them to the restaurant), she sent her husband and daughters away to look at brochures and proceeded to grill me on why I was there, what did I want to know, I must have a reason, etc. I kept looking back and forth between her and my husband...seriously, my head was a swivel, because I didn't know what to say and I was hoping he would say "forget it, we're going back to our room" and after about...40 seconds, I stammered out that I just wanted to get to know her.

Thinking back on it now just really upsets me. I felt like such a FOOL. And understand, we agreed that it would be easier if dh and I went to their state, rather than them coming here as we were 2 people and they were 5 people. It isn't like i just showed up. And I couldn't tell my mom, but I wanted to so badly then. And dh was just as horrified as I was. he thought it was going to be great, like when he was reunited with his biodad when he was 16.

That meeting is why I am so pro open adoption. I never want dd to feel like that. I want her to know C just like I do and I want her to be able to tell me about it or ask me questions.

What's really hard...after I started communicating with biomom, it seemed like what she did in relation to me mattered so much more. If I write to her, I want her to write back or if she suggests getting together again (like she has TWICE) and never brings it up again, it really hurts my feelings. I wish it didn't - I feel like it shouldn't.

[Emilie]

Oh mama. I know that feeling.
After I found out biomom was on drugs I just felt dread like could I not have just left it alone?
You want her to love you. That is no crime. She should and she does. She has alot of pain from losing you and she is holding it out for you.
What did she say when you said you wanted to get to know her?
My bio mom when here asked what do I want from this? What did I want from her? I told her the same you did- I just want to KNOW you. I just want to be with you in the same room and hang out.

How soon after finding her did you meet her?

I am so sorry she reacted this way to you. What sticks out to me is that I keep thinking- wow.... she sounds like she is pained but not admitting it? Like your biomom treated you like she didn't care cause she had to tell herself that for so long to get thru the day- and there you were and she DID care so damn much and it would have killed her to admit it.
I don't know. That is how I see it based on this tiny info here. Is that what you think was going on?

Emilie

[Emilie]

have you seen her since?
I can feel your heat rising and you choking up as this occured. Like wth is going on here.
I was dizzy whem bmom flipped out on me. This can not be happening!!!
Ugh,,, I am so sorry Sarah

[Sarahbunny]

I think she did want to have it go better. DH said when we first met in the lobby, she looked like she wanted to cry, but looked at her family and her face kind of changed. I sort of think the older daughter got kind of freaked out about the whole thing, and when push came to shove, she had to do what was best for her. Which I do understand, but it still just was really hard.

I think biomother has more problems than I realized. And maybe thought I was going to freak out on her and start blaming her for something? I just wanted to be able to look at her and see if we looked alike. But I was too embarrased to do even that. I had asked her to bring some pictures of her when she was younger, but she didn't. Instead she brought pictures of her daughters when they were younger?

She didn't really say anything when I said I wanted to get to know her. She just sort of nodded. I think she could tell I was getting really upset. Especially when I told her we decided to fly home early (I said that when we were at dinner) .

I know what you mean, Emilie. I really wished I had just left it alone. I had it built up in my mind that it would be great, and it really wasn't.

Wow, this has brought up alot of feelings in me...I'm going to sign off now for the night. Thanks Emilie - your posts gave me a lot to think about.

[Sarahbunny]

Oh, and no, we haven't seen each other since. She has brought it up a few times, but never follows through when the time comes. I just wish she wouldnt' bring it up then, you know?

Your biomom flipped out on you? I'll have to read back in this thread some more so that I can offer you support! It's a tricky situation, isn't it?

[Emilie]

oh girl it is.
She came here in November and we had 2 good days then she FREAKED out on me and called me every bad name in the book. Told me my dh should take my kids from me that I didn't really love them ds was spoiled- blah blah blah. It was REALLY awful. I spoke to her boyfriend at the time and I guess she may be bipolar.
Here is the thing for me- as I see it.
I can not longer not deal with how I truly feel about this because it is killing me. I can not push it down. I must confront it and accept it and get thru it instead of trying to move around it all my life as I was taught and how I treated it myself.
It is not healthy for me or my kids. They have a rage filled, angry bitchy, nutso mama because I am harboring all this pain from all these things instead of dealing with them.
Sure it would have been easier to just let it go but then I would have ALWAYS wondered and now when everyone asks where my dd gets these crazy curls- I would not know. She gets them from my bio mom and dad. Especially my bio mom.
I would have never known and each time( which is everyday) someone talked about her curls I would have thought- I wonder where she gets those from. Must be from my side- but who.... but I know and I am happy to tell people whatever I want about them.
I would not have been truly happy the other way either. IF I was to be honest with myself.
If you read back be prepared there is some heavy duty feeling in there. So a bit at a time.
But basically she snapped off and my dh took her to the bus station and sent her on her way. It was so so so so so so so so so so awful. But I do not one bit regret the 2 days I had with her at all. I hope I get to see her again someday in a more controlled time.
Your biomom loves you dear. Very much. She just did not know what to do with what she was feeling and she could not let her other kids see her like that.
Emilie

[Sarahbunny]

Emilie...about your dd's curls. I never thought about that before. I was very very sad when I couldn't get pregnant before adopting, because I wanted so badly to see someone who really did look like me - that was one main part of my grief regarding infertility. I never thought about it bringing up a whole other range of issues like where did dc get that particulair feature. Interesting.

I have this crazy notion that bmother would be more interested in my dd if she weren't adopted...if she were biologically mine.

When you (and YOU is general to anyone in here, btw) found out more information about your birth parents, did you sort of obsess on it? Like, I found out that my bmother has a history of depression, as does one of my biosisters and now everytime I have a day where I feel blue or out of sorts, I obsess over whether it is depression or not. Did anyone else find that?


Emilie, I am so sorry your biomother did that to you. You must have felt so...betrayed. That's how I would have felt, anyway. And disappointed. Hugs to you mama.

Tigertail, I think a safe subforum is a good idea. I think the whole thing is hard for everyone in the triad, mostly because we have all had totally different experiences.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like I have to be completely one way or the other...unhappy with adoption in general (which I just personally am not) OR the happy adoptee (which I kind of am, but have other feelings to that are scary to think about). I feel like there can't be any middle area for me. It worries me to say that it doesn't bother me at all, because I wonder if I had been really allowed to explore that part of my life, maybe it would have bothered me. I love my parents and I am glad they are mine - no matter what. But I wish it wouldn't have been so verboten to express interest. My mom always let me look at the information they had on me and was very open to talking about it, BUT conversations regarding other people seeking out their birthparents always started like this "Well, that isn't anything YOU would want to do, right?" To which I would of course reply no and the response would be "Oh good, because I want you to be all mine." Or it would be brought up in that way that parents have of letting you know what your answer should be. KWIM?

So, it's these opposing feelings...I just wonder what I would have felt if I had really felt ALLOWED to feel my feelings. That's what I wish more adoptive parents would think about...my mom never purposefully said I shouldn't wonder, she just made it clear that it would hurt her feelings.

Ugh, I don't know. I'm probably not even making any sense.

[Sarahbunny]

Oh.



I shouldn't have read that right now, but emilie, your story really resonates with me. I'm so sad for you, being so excited and nervous beforehand, then being totally confused, then accepting.

Then sad about not getting a picture of the two of you together.

That's exactly how I felt. Wierd that although the stories are different, they have many basic similiarities.

[Devaskyla]

Hi and thanks to TigerTail & Emilie for directing me to this thread. I'm slowly working my way through all the posts, but since I need to get the kids to bed, I thought I'd just briefly post a bit about me.

Basically, I was adopted at 6 weeks. I was under 4lbs at birth (supposedly full-term, but I think my bmom miscalculated) so I spent those first weeks in an incubator in the hospital. My aparents had a daughter about 15 months after I was born. I've never felt connected to my afamily. I was always different.

Anyway, I was never told I was adopted, though I always suspected. I found out when I was 23 and a search agency contacted me to let me know that my birth mother was looking for me. My adoptive father died just over a year after I found out and I never really had a chance to process things and have it out with them. Now I feel like the bad guy if I mention anything to my adoptive mother. So, I don't. She still doesn't believe they did anything wrong by lying to me my whole life. And my adad was adopted, as was my amom's brother, and they both were 'allowed' to know.

I email my bmom every few months and she sends me long emails about her life fairly regularly. She's been very understanding about giving me lots of time & space to try to deal with everything. Either that or she doesn't want more of a relationship. I find that difficult to believe, though, since she left a letter on file for me at the adoption registry here and then actually came looking for me.

I often wonder if she isn't disappointed in me. I know I am. It's the main reason I haven't met her yet.

I need to get to bed. I'll write more later.

[TigerTail]

Deva.

Sarah, you are one of us, not in some limbo land of Between. You make absolute sense to us; we understand. Needing to process & discuss negative experiences does not = adoptive parents are ogres & we all wish we weren't adopted, wah. You don't stop being an adoptee because you adopted your own child. (Have you read ThinPinkLine, a blog about an adoptee struggling with infertility issues? I highly recommend it.)

[Emilie]

Oh Sarah- I know it is tough to read...
Just because you were not allowed to feel those feelings when you were a child does not mean you can not feel them now. kwim?

It definetly does not mean you HATE adoption or that you LOVE adoption. It means you are looking into how you feel and its impact on you.
Its okay to have feelings of your own. I am learning my thoughts and feelings are valid and not bad or wrong.
Yes- exactly what you are saying- they frame it to you that way so you won't search cause it would hurt them . Self preservation. We all are guilty of it from time to time. That is what I was pointing to on the other thread- at least I was trying to...it is important to figure out how you feel and why you feel that way and that it is OK! On a miriad of issues.
Its ok. TT is right you are still an adoptee! You still have a right to think about that.

Hugs mama- we are here for you!

Devaskyla- Welcome!

[Devaskyla]

I found this today http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takea...171604504#body has anyone else signed it?

[Emilie]

thanks. I signed it.

[Emilie]

Obsess about it- yes. This last time it was so overwhelming. Like I have to see you now now now.
It was very hard and nice at the same time. I was so full of hope and promise.
Here is the thing. i wanted her to fix it quick. Like I will be with you and then it;ll be better.
It was and is better for seeing her. But it is not hers to fix.

Had I met her 6 years ago I would not have been ready. It would have been weird because of the guilt I had with my mom etc.

I was ready to love her this time for her and i did.

[TigerTail]

Signed.

[krystyn33]

Hello everyone,

I've been away for a while, adjusting to my new life as a mom. Boy, there has been a lot going on! Took me a while to get caught up--hard to find time b/c DS on not much of a napper. Or a sleeper, period. I'm glad to see so many people finding there way here and sharing their experiences and feelings. Definitely seems that we are getting forum worthy...


One thing I'd like to share, which is kind of OT, is that having my first child had a suprising affect on me. First, I don't know if it was because of having to get a c-section (we had planned a homebirth but he turned breech), but it took a while for me to feel bonded with him, or even that he was "my" son (I HATE the connotation of ownership--he is his own person, but I think you know what I mean). I expected the biological connection to "wow" me somehow and honestly it didn't. We are deeply bonded now--I am so in love with him I can't believe it, but I'm starting to wonder if the biological connection has more impact when it is severed? I'm having a hard time putting what I want to say into words, but I just found myself with a new appreciation for a-parents: for the first time I believe that my mom loves me as much as my b-mom would have--and that she loves me as deeply as she does my sisters who she birthed... I just look for part of myself in my son, and I intuit that it is there and I'm sure I will see it reflected more and more as he grows (also right now he looks more like DH) but I find the line between biology and relationship blurry--much to my suprise. I'm certainly not suggesting that this fit with anyone else's experience, but for me personally, having my son has helped me heal the pain of having lost that connection with my b-mom in a deeply ironic way, by making it feel like less of a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I'm still planning to search for her, but I just feel more peace with that loss... If that makes any sense! :

He's awake now--gotta run

[krystyn33]

I couldn't resist Emilie..