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Originally Posted by Sarahbunny
 I think many birthmothers would disagree that their fetus was unwanted. There is a difference, I think, between "unwanted" and desperately wanted but unable to care for, for a myriad of reasons. And most wouldn't try to have a spontaneous abortion, I wouldn't think. Why wouldn't they just have an abortion then?
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When I was pregnant, it was planned for. I had been taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins since before conception. I did not ever drink alcohol. I did not smoke anything (legal or illegal). I did not eat soft cheeses. I suffered through headaches and colds rather than take any medication. I made sure to eat particularly healthy. I went to every single prenatal care visit from day one. I educated myself on everything from fetal development to labor & delivery to caring for a newborn. I proudly wore maternity clothing and told everyone in my life about my happy circumstance.
No birthmother does that. They might not be smoking crack on a daily basis, but that doesn't mean that they're taking care of themselves to the extent that a woman who wants to be pregnant does. The reason the baby is given up for adoption is because something isn't right. We're not talking about a surrogate mother...the fetus is not something hoped-for. It's something that has to be dealt with. A birthmother can feel all sorts of conflicting emotions about the situation, but trust me, they are NOT feeling unequivocal joy for 9 months. They are feeling stress, and shame, and anger, at least some of the time. Do you think we don't feel that, swimming around inside?
And if you imagine that it is possible to get a legal abortion easily for a reasonable amount of money, you must not be an American. Especially when a young woman spends crucial weeks or even months trying to convince herself that she really isn't pregnant.
When you see those pretty little reports that are put together about the birth mother for the benefit of the adoptive parents, remember that they are trying to say what they think you want to hear. They're in a tough place in their lives. Just because you want to love a child doesn't mean every other person involved in the process is as entirely happy and hopeful as you are.
The reason I'm being so firm about this is because you need to be forewarned that your child might not always feel so unconditionally loved, and that's actually a reasonable response to the circumstance. You've got to look at this from the adoptee's point of view: there are probably going to be times where they feel that it's their fault they were given up. Just like kids during a divorce. Be prepared, so you can help when the emotions hit.
: and said she has been praying with her priest daily since she received my letter. I did learn he has had no other children, my grandmother is 98 and still veyr active. My birthmother met my father in college, she would not reveal who he is but did say he was a very prominant person in Memphis and should not be contact.
:. This is the kind of stuff that makes me furious. NOT HER RIGHT.
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.) These things- I have a hard time imagining anything more anguished than ripping apart the newborn/mother bond, & here we are chatting it up. OF COURSE we are all going to get touchy. But we're on the same side.
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