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Looking for adoptees to discuss things with. - Page 27

post #521 of 537
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahbunny View Post
I think many birthmothers would disagree that their fetus was unwanted. There is a difference, I think, between "unwanted" and desperately wanted but unable to care for, for a myriad of reasons. And most wouldn't try to have a spontaneous abortion, I wouldn't think. Why wouldn't they just have an abortion then?
Let's see if I can explain my thoughts more clearly.

When I was pregnant, it was planned for. I had been taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins since before conception. I did not ever drink alcohol. I did not smoke anything (legal or illegal). I did not eat soft cheeses. I suffered through headaches and colds rather than take any medication. I made sure to eat particularly healthy. I went to every single prenatal care visit from day one. I educated myself on everything from fetal development to labor & delivery to caring for a newborn. I proudly wore maternity clothing and told everyone in my life about my happy circumstance.

No birthmother does that. They might not be smoking crack on a daily basis, but that doesn't mean that they're taking care of themselves to the extent that a woman who wants to be pregnant does. The reason the baby is given up for adoption is because something isn't right. We're not talking about a surrogate mother...the fetus is not something hoped-for. It's something that has to be dealt with. A birthmother can feel all sorts of conflicting emotions about the situation, but trust me, they are NOT feeling unequivocal joy for 9 months. They are feeling stress, and shame, and anger, at least some of the time. Do you think we don't feel that, swimming around inside?

And if you imagine that it is possible to get a legal abortion easily for a reasonable amount of money, you must not be an American. Especially when a young woman spends crucial weeks or even months trying to convince herself that she really isn't pregnant.

When you see those pretty little reports that are put together about the birth mother for the benefit of the adoptive parents, remember that they are trying to say what they think you want to hear. They're in a tough place in their lives. Just because you want to love a child doesn't mean every other person involved in the process is as entirely happy and hopeful as you are.

The reason I'm being so firm about this is because you need to be forewarned that your child might not always feel so unconditionally loved, and that's actually a reasonable response to the circumstance. You've got to look at this from the adoptee's point of view: there are probably going to be times where they feel that it's their fault they were given up. Just like kids during a divorce. Be prepared, so you can help when the emotions hit.
post #522 of 537
As of yesterday I still had not heard from my birthmother so today I had my oldest friend,also an adoptee call her. I am not really sure why I had her call but Ihave so much on my plate right now, she offered and I agreed.


She spoke to my birthmother who was very upset that I had contacted her.She said thatshe thought when she placed me for adoption it would be private. She was very kind though : and said she has been praying with her priest daily since she received my letter. I did learn he has had no other children, my grandmother is 98 and still veyr active. My birthmother met my father in college, she would not reveal who he is but did say he was a very prominant person in Memphis and should not be contact.

She has requested I do not contact her again and if she wants to contact me she will go through my friend. I think I am ok with this, I did want more but will settle for the little bit I did find out.

She told my friend she did love me and thought of me often but did what she thought was best for me and her.

Wanted to share, all of this is spinnig in my head adn I needed to sahe with someone.

Blessings,

Granolamom
post #523 of 537
Oh G. No one has the right to do that to someone else. How would she like it if that was done to her? Grateful for drips & drabs. I'm sorry. This is why I want legislation to protect our rights. It ws an unethical contract, & you shouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of the industry lies.

Your info is not hers to dish out when she feels like it. It's your heritage.

'Would not reveal' :. This is the kind of stuff that makes me furious. NOT HER RIGHT.
post #524 of 537
Can I join?

I'm hoping that it's ok for me to post here. I was raised by my birthmother, but not my birthfather. My dad adopted me when I was 5. I found all this out in 2004. I'm still navigating everything, and I'm not sure where I belong...if I "count" as an adoptee or not....

I haven't read the entire thread, just the OP, so if I'm posting out of turn, please let me know
post #525 of 537
Thread Starter 
You count!
post #526 of 537
Quote:
Originally Posted by VegHipMama View Post

No birthmother does that. They might not be smoking crack on a daily basis, but that doesn't mean that they're taking care of themselves to the extent that a woman who wants to be pregnant does. The reason the baby is given up for adoption is because something isn't right. We're not talking about a surrogate mother...the fetus is not something hoped-for. It's something that has to be dealt with. A birthmother can feel all sorts of conflicting emotions about the situation, but trust me, they are NOT feeling unequivocal joy for 9 months. They are feeling stress, and shame, and anger, at least some of the time. Do you think we don't feel that, swimming around inside?
*NO* birthmother does that?

That's pretty presumptuous on your part.

It's also presumptuous that every woman who want to become pregnant flits around on a cloud of unmitigated joy for 9 months. That only birthmothers might feel conflicting emotions.

I guess I should feel more kinship with birthmothers who 'didn't want' their children then, because I know that my pregnancies sure as hell weren't all bliss. I didn't realize there was no room for mixed feelings.

I'm sure my kids felt that. I'm sure there will be times in the future where they'll feel it again. It's life.

But..wow. I'm kind of shocked by this. This seems to paint such an extreme picture of either side. I don't think it's fair to either.
post #527 of 537
:

I agree Tigerchild.

C absolutely (like I already said) took wonderful care of herself and dd while she was pregnant. She didn't take drugs, drink alcohol or caffeine, had prenatal care. I have done research on this subject (not just reading the glossy beautiful pamphlet that some agencies give out) and I think that many, if not most, birthmothers try to take care of themselves during pregnancy.

And, I am an American, and I do believe an abortion could be legally obtained for a reasonable sum of money. Maybe that is naive or maybe that is the area I live in.

But clearly, we are never going to agree on this, Veg - but that's all right! We all bring our own experiences to things.

Granolamom, I'm sorry. Maybe she will contact you in the future. You don't know with this kind of thing. Your contact may have brought up very difficult feelings that she had suppressed. I'm sure it was nice hearing that she loves you and thinks of you often though.

Treyson's Mommy...you totally count. Everyone kind of counts in here, I think. I have felt very welcome and I think you will too.
post #528 of 537
Thread Starter 
oh gmom. I did not see this earlier. I have no words.
I am so sorry. I hope that she decides to know you would be best. How troubling.
I am sure it is bringing up so many emotions.
do you think she could be a nun? pdd question right....

Oh dear.....
How sad I am for this response. It does seem to me that maybe it is just too painful.
How old is she?
I wish I knew what to say.
Are you happy you had a friend call?

HUGS. Big ones.
Emilie
post #529 of 537
Come & gitcher new Bastardette!

http://www.bastardette.blogspot.com/
post #530 of 537
Sure, I think some prospective adoptive parents do not want to know the birth parents -- like the idea that the child can never find.

Some moms take care of the child they are carrying and some do not, just as anyone does or does not. They can care about the child. I agree -- we must have picked up on all the angst.

Adoptee
post #531 of 537
Thread Starter 
hugs Amris.
post #532 of 537
We all have a right to our pov, & whatever we did/didn't do during our respective pregnancies (biomom told me the nuns fattened her right up, took excellent care of her body), there isno doubt in my mind that a baby a mother knows she is going to give up is subject to different concentrations of hormones. We can't control cortisol; I was looking forward to physical therapy very much for pain relief, but had no idea my body memories would get triggered & I would be having panic reactions about going- no matter how good a place my head was in about finally getting treatment, my body knew what it knew (& it has been awful). You can be putting your baby up for adoption with the best intentions, but still, your body knows on some level.

I understand how Veg's pov could be upsetting, but it's just as disrespectful to call her post names. There are ways to gently disagree. Being any one member of the triad does not give us an out to be rude to any other just because we disagree. I see both your points. They both have validity. Probably most birthmoms aren't on any more drugs than any other expecting mom. Probably all mothers choosing to give up their child are under immense stress.

Everybody should probably breathe (& keepdoing it as long as we are in this thread or that forum .) These things- I have a hard time imagining anything more anguished than ripping apart the newborn/mother bond, & here we are chatting it up. OF COURSE we are all going to get touchy. But we're on the same side.

My only enemy is an industry that profiteers on that anguish.
post #533 of 537
Oh Amris, hugs to you Mama

As I have made a relationship with my bio mother, I am getting a much deeper understanding of how much she wanted me, and didn't want to let me go. She didn't have the means, both physically and emotionally, to go against the flow and make a plan to keep me, but it doesn't mean she doesn't want me.

It makes me so sad to hear words over and over suggesting that the birth moms don't love, care for, or want their babies as much as they would if they weren't relinquishing their babes :

Wow.



GranolaMama, I am sorry your birth Mother is not open to contact, and that she is unwilling to share more information with you. It sounds to me like she is a product of another time, where social pressures were very intense, and there was a strong culture of shame. I hope she has time to reflect and maybe change her mind. If that is something you seek

It is a horrible thing to not know about your own self. To know that the information is there but not accessable by you. I often wonder what it must be like for adoptees who come from places where there is no hope of finding out information. Like for some of the kids my DD plays with who come from China. What will happen when they want to seek and find out? I wonder if it would be harder or easier?

Do we have any adult adoptees who were adopted internationally? I am interested to hear how they feel about this issue. I wonder how it will impact the next generation of adoptees, many of whom come from faraway places.

Emilie, and others, I appreciate your efforts in dialogues with others. The topic is too painful for me to enter and form cohesive thoughts, but thanks for your input.

Take care, ND
post #534 of 537
There are some great blogs with povs of adult internationally-adopted folks out there. Everyone even thinking about doing so should read what they have to say.

I get just about as tired of the 'Oh, it's just a few disgruntled adoptees' line. It's almost universal, the things we talk about amongst ourselves- & same goes for the international adoptees. It sure is easier than therapy & self-analysis to hide one's head in a bucket & squeak 'I love my parents-who-adopted-me!'. Well, duh.

So do even the most abused people, let alone the bulk of us who had loving, well-meaning 'normal' families. I love my parents too (all of them! My a-parents even more, now that I'm a grownup & can forgive them for being human beings). I'm even 'grateful'! (gasp) Doesn't change the tragic nature of all adoption or my political viewpoints a cat's whisker.
post #535 of 537
I posted WAY earlier about being married to a bio-father. In his case, the bio-mom did do drugs through a good portion of her pregnancy...but so did my mother-in-law, and DH was planned and not placed for adoption (boy was DH mad when he found out his parents planned him and still did what they did). 3 of my 4 children were unexpected and rather untimely (especially my second- I was married to a very abusive and sick man and was planning on leaving him when I found out I was pregnant.) I still took great care of myself while pregnant and loved my babies with all my heart before they were born. Even if I had not kept them, I would have still done the same. I think those of us who are respectful of the life growing inside of us, will take care of that life no matter what, and those that aren't won't...whether they keep the baby or not.
post #536 of 537
just a quick note- people who abuse drugs during pregnancy are not necessarily 'less respectful'; they may be ill and/or have an addiction, and judging them during just about the most stressful time i can think of, an unsupported pregnancy, is especially cruel. plenty of mamas with drug addictions love and respect their babies as much as anybody with the resources to eat organic & go to the naturopath.

and Mothering has had an issue with an article about marijuana use during pregnancy; I know many loving mothers who smoked for hyperemesis & found it less harmful & more effective than prescribed drugs. (I don't consider normal cannabis usage 'addiction', but am gathering if someone will jump someone's case for a beer or an aspirin as 'disrespect', they might.)
post #537 of 537
Hi, I have removed quite a few posts that were in violation of the MDC User Agreement or that quoted or referenced a removed post. I apologize if some continuity was disturbed. I did my best to try and keep as much on the board as I could for posterity's sake and future searches. I will be in contact shortly with those who had posted in violation of the MDC UA.

This thread is now closed to new posts. Part Two is located here

Please keep the MDC User Agreement in mind at all times. Thanks so much for your cooperation and continued participation
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