18 month-old biting and hitting me

[jkg]

I don't know what to do anymore. When DS gets frustrated, especially out in public, he resorts to pulling my hair, slapping me, and biting my shoulders. For example, we were waiting in the pharmacy line yesterday (it wasn't a long line, just a couple people), and I was holding him and singing to him. He was perfectly happy until I had to switch him to my other hip so I could open my purse. At that point he wanted "down", which is fine. I put him down and held his hand and told him we would be going home right after mommy paid the cashier. He then started knocking the candy off of the shelf, and when I told him he could not do that, he bit my leg. I picked him up and asked him not to do that because it hurt me. He then grabbed my cheek and pinched it so hard I have a huge welt and then bit down on my shoulder. All the while I am trying to swipe my debit card and asking him to please stop because he is hurting me. The teenage cashier looked absolutely horrified. My left shoulder looks awful with huge bruises and bite marks because this has been going on for awhile. My son is usually sweet and affectionate, but if he gets in one of his moods, he is downright violent. We do not hit. I don't believe in any kind of violence whatsoever, so he is not exposed to it. I do not understand why he does this to me. I know that I need to minimize his frustrations. For example, we were waiting in the pharmacy yesterday just before naptime, so I knew he was tired. The problem is, sometimes I can't time things just perfectly. Sometimes he will get frustrated, and I would like to teach him a healthier way of dealing with it rather than hurting mommy. My DH thinks we should start doing time-outs. I really did not want to use time-outs, I had hoped we would not need to. Plus, when this stuff happens in public, especially someplace where DS needs to stick close to me and I can't just set him down, time-outs wouldn't work anyway. Does anyone have any suggestions? Besides the fact that I don't want my son to deal with his frustration through violence, I also do not want to portray myself to him as a victim, and that's what I am feeling like lately. Honestly, if you could see my face and shoulders, you wouldn't believe those marks came from such a small and beautiful child. Please help!!

[Korimomto2]

no advice 'cause we've got the same problem, but

I'll be reading for replies on this on!!

[boatbaby]

Would it help if I told you it's a phase?
I remember that age (not that long ago) being VERY challenging and we had similar issues.

You just need to channel your inner zen and calmly, firmly, tell your DC 1,674,273 times "that hurts mommy. show me gentle touches please" (take hand, show DC what to do) "Gentle touches make people happy."

I have a friend with a 19 month old DD going through the same. She said to me"I don't think DD knows what hurt means?"
I said, the next time your DD falls down or bumps head, use that as a learning time while you comfort her.
"Oh, did you HURT yourself? I am sorry. Can I help you make it feel better? how about a kiss? That fall must have really HURT, huh? Mama will make it better."

You may have 6+ months of insanity but it will get better!

My DS turned 2 and changed completely. He would never dream of hitting or biting or kicking me (all of his aggression was always to me, luckily never at other kids!)
And he role plays A LOT now. He will drop a pirate puppet and then say
"Think he's crying? Think he's sad? Oh you need huggies and kissies" and then he strokes the puppet and hugs and kisses "All better now!"
And whenever I do something to hurt myself (bump head or whatever) he runs over and wants to kiss it and stroke me and says "you ok mama? I love you, I make it better!"
Yes this is the kid who left teeth marks and bruises 6 months ago.

ALSO ---------- a friend told me and she was SO right -- it's comon for this to happen when your DC is pre-verbal. DS has LOTS of words at 18 months (50 or so) but was still often not understandable and was not yet doing sentences/ phrases. At 20 months when he broke that verbal barrier he changed completely for the better!

It's frustrating when nobody understands you and you are such a deep and complicated little person.

Hang in there mama!

[echodonn]

Each phase of our children's lives are filled with moments of such pride and also humility. I really dislike those people who feel like they must share with me their insights on my individual childs life.

"That's why I don't bring my daughter shopping : at the grocery market," some woman that thinks she is ultra chic, and I'm like "(Why don't you go home and spend some time with you kid), They really try my patince, HE HE."

My daughter really does not respond to
I was at the dinner table with her when she started hitting my grandmother (97years young) : So I start the : and my grandmother goes "give me a " Katie stops and gives the . I was sooo proud!!!

GOOD Luck

[catgirl1007]

My DD hits me & DH on occasion. I think it started around 19-20 mos. She still does it occasionally and is 22 mos old. We tell her, "We don't hit. We hug." That gets her to stop hitting, she gives us a hug, and says, "I sorry Mommy." The problem is it hasn't stopped her from the initial hitting, just stops her when she's in the middle of hitting. My DH isn't as consistent as I am with the "hugs not hits" phrase and she actually hits him now more than she hits me, so I know it's sinking in. I figured it's a phase that most toddlers go through.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it's (1) a phase; and (2) like you mentioned b/c he's overtired or frustrated at the times it's happening. Maybe you could come up with a phrase and use it repeatedly. It didn't work for us right away, but eventually started to sink in.

[Emmom]

My DS is almost the same age as yours--just a few days apart! Although he doesn't express his frustration through biting (at this stage, anyway), his frustration while we're in a public place does escalate VERY QUICKLY to a physical level--usually yelling and jumping. That must be the age I guess. My recent breakthrough was that he escalates so quickly in public places because I hadn't been paying as much attention to the frustration. As you described in your scenario, I would often just try to muscle through the situation at hand (swiping card, getting out of the store) to get us through, AND THEN I'd get down to his level and talk. The past week or so I've been making a concerted effort to stop what I'm doing and address his frustration at the exact moment he needs me too. I'll excuse myself from the situation, even to the point of saying to a cashier "I'm sorry, excuse me a second," getting down to his level and figuring out the problem like I would at home. I hate being a jerk to anyone waiting, but realistically it only takes a minute, tops, and I figure that (like a pp said), once he's more verbal it won't be necessary and I won't have to be rude to the cashier forever!

I don't know if this has any relevence to your problem, but it has helped me enormously, so I thought I'd share. I think the main thing is that this is just a frustrating age (for them!)

[tatermom]

It's so hard when they get so frustrated and you're trying to juggle everything at once, isn't it!

I don't really think this will address the hitting caused by extreme frustration, but if your DS is in a mood where he might accept a game instead, could you ask him to try "tickles" instead of hitting? We had tried "gentle touches" and "hugs" before this, but apparently they didn't have the appeal of tickles, which are just really fun for DS. I think for my DS that the hitting is not just frustration but an attempt to get my attention back on him, and the tickling is a much more enjoyable way to do that, for both of us.

Just thought I'd throw that idea out there!

[gen_here]

Just commiserating. My son (just turned 18 months) started hitting, biting, pinching me last month when he's not happy with me telling him he can't do something (like, most recently, play with himself before I wipe a diaper full of poop off his bottom). When I tell him he hurts mama when he hits me, he laughs.

Everyone keeps telling me it's a phase... I'll believe it when it stops.:

[DevaMajka]

I see where your dh is coming from, because it is not ok to hit/pinch/bite people. Even if you are 18 mos old and have very little impulse control. It's not ok.
But, I don't think that time-outs are the way to teach a child that hitting is unacceptable. It teaches them to refrain from hitting, for self centered reasons (I won't hit because I don't want a time-out). As opposed to "I won't hit because it hurts Mom. I can do x instead."

Look for the impulse behind the hitting. The impulse is perfectly legitimate. Its just the expression of that impulse that is unacceptable. So, teach him an acceptable way to express that impulse.
It takes a while to really get this way of thinking down pat. If he's frustrated, emphathize with him, and tell him better ways to express that frustration ("show me a MAD face" or "growl like a lion.")
Or if he just has too much energy, tell him he can jump, or clap, or spin in circles.
If he's trying to interact with you, or get your attention, give him a few ideas of fun ways to interact with you- play pat-a-cake, touch me gently, give me five, etc.
If he's doing it because he likes the reaction, tell him that he can get that reaction without hitting you. Then make a surprised face. My ds hit me once, and I realized it was because he was a bit bored, and he liked the reaction. I told him I can make that face even if he doesn't hit me, and I did. We took turns making surprised faces at each other for a good 15 minutes, and ds was laughing hysterically. lol And he didn't even attempt to hit me again.

[kennedy444]

We have the same issue going on in our house lately. My dd is 21 months and the biting has been going on for about a month so far.

Luckily(?) : she has only bit her sister, brother and me. We try not to make a big deal about it - don't want to turn it into an "attention thing." We say "no biting, it hurts," "be gentle," "no biting, kisses please," etc. I realize it's just an impulse and this too shall pass.

[bluets]

i haven't read all the previous posts... one thing that helps us in the store is to have ds help with payment. he's very keen at passing the credit card or the cash to the "nice lady behind the counter". we make a big deal about it and he loves doing it. if it's the credit card, we also get him to help put it back in the wallet or purse.

now if we could get him in and out of the car more easily... he does that toddler bull body melt so perfectly, right when i'm trying to get him into his car seat... (even after we've spent 10 minutes pretend driving in the driveway).

as for the biting, i have found that my ds wants a reaction. any reaction. so i let him bite and i give no reaction at all. this clearly puzzles him - he's taken a few chomps out of me, watched, glowered, then done it again and stopped when i didn't give him the satisfaction of a response.

i'm still working on the hitting and scratching. i'm finding that we're getting some success with catching the hand first and saying "we don't hit. hitting hurts". he just now understands "hurt" and wants kisses when he gets hurt, so it might begin to work soon.

i found out about http://www.parentsplace.com from one of the teachers at ds's daycare. there are some emotion books that look awesome for this age that might help convey feelings. "When you're happy..." "When you're sad..." "When you're Angry...." and "When you're silly" (a 4-volume set). there's another one for this age that i've actually ordered, the title of which totally escapes me. it struck me that his behavior is largely frustration but, in hindsight, was also illness related (we just battled some rotavirus-like nastiness).