Do you think it's possible to recover a parent/child relationship after spanking? - Page 2

[abac]

It's absolutely possible to repair the relationship. I know because I now have a wonderful, loving, caring relationship with my father.

[Changed]

I don't believe that the relationship will ever be what it would have been without the spanking. Those years are so formative.

I'm living the same situation and it makes me sad to see what a different and wonderful relationship I have with the children who were never spanked.

[loislaneisamama]

I think since her kids are still pretty young that they will be able to have a great relationship. Negativity and pessimism must be thrown out the window in order for it to work though.

[ibex67]

Originally Posted by kdmama33

Do you think she can repair the damage she's done? Can she rebuild trust with her children? I know it's going to take a lot of hard work to move into different patterns of communication, and move towards implementing forms of loving discipline. I so believe that she can turn things around, though. I guess I'm wanting to hear from others, maybe former spankers, about what they think. She is convinced that she's destroyed her children forever, and I don't think that kind of thinking is going to get her anywhere that she wants to be when it comes to changing. KWIM?

YES!!! I absolutely believe this is repairable -- on so many levels. She will need support [books, etc...] and a non-judgemental ear or two. But in the context of a life-long 100% committed relationship, I am positive that her relationship with her children can heal. I know from experience. I think apologizing and admitting to your children that you have made mistakes on this is critical.

[CJNeeley]

I was not only spanked but abused (drug around by my hair, thrown against walls, had my head repeatedly bashed against the sink, chair flung to the floor while I sitting in it so that it broke and splintered in my back, and so on and so on) and I've now got a fairly decent relationship with my former abuser. There are still some uncomfortable places... I don't like being alone with the person when they are drinking; I probably wouldn't let the person watch my children alone. But for the most part things are better and we have a pretty close relationship...

I think the key thing for healing is admitting to them what you did wrong and showing them you are trying to fix it by sticking with the changes. [I think a bit part of the remaining riff between us is failure to admit certain things] But in the beginning progress will be slow and things that accompanied the spanking (for example, if she screamed or stood a certain way) will still trigger flinching and cowering for a while even after trust is established--which is a bit slow itself--before the heart catches up with the head in the trust dept. But even though it's not easy or quick it can definitely happen so she shouldn't feel dicouraged or hopeless. And because they are so young the process will be relatively shorter and less difficult...

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by Jörð

I'm living the same situation and it makes me sad to see what a different and wonderful relationship I have with the children who were never spanked.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You have no way of knowing why your relationship with the never-spanked-kids is different. It probably has much more to do with their innate temperament than the fact that you never spanked them.

My relationship with my youngest, for example, is so much easier and loving than my realtionship with my oldest. I've never spanked either -- except for one very bad moment with my oldest, a year or so ago, when I smacked her on the bottom once (and immediately profusely apologized for it). My oldest has ALWAYS been challenging. My youngest has always been very mellow and happy. They are very different children, their temperments evident from day one.

[ThreeBeans]

Yes, absolutely

[becoming]

It is absolutely not too late. I'm so glad she's taking this step toward repairing her relationship with her children. And how beautiful that her son has already noticed a positive change.

I really recommend the book "I Love You Rituals." It has done wonders for my relationship with my 5-year-old son after damage done from 1 1/2 years of me yelling/guilting/threatening on a daily basis when he was 3-4 years old.