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Do you think i did the right thing?! - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Wow, Flor, great post That hit home for me. Thanks.
post #22 of 28
Thread Starter 
Well i have recently started talking to him again Via email... i haven't really mentioned anything about visitation, because he started in on me about money.. when in all reality, if anyone should be bringing up money it's me... (although i made it clear that i don't need it from him )

The way i see it, for transportation is... i don't drive... i dont have my license and i don't put the gas in our vehicle.

DS's dad AGREED that he would pay my s/o ( through me because they don't get along well ) for the gas to drive DS back and forth..
There have been a few times where he has even made us drive all over the damn city because he "lent out" DS's stroller, so in order to get it back, we had to find the person he lent it to (WHICH we never did find.. so now DS doesn't have a stroller)..

The ONLY way i can get my s/o to continue driving DS to his dads is if DS's dad gives my s/o the gas money... so it's really not up to me... i have tried reasoning with him.. but he's stuck on his decision..

Likely because BOTH his childrens mothers don't help him pay for the gas (160 dollars worth of gas, it costs us to go see them PER every second weekend , so 320 dollars a month out of his pocket, ON TOP of support payments that he pays )

I dont need ds's dads money to raise DS and he KNOWS that... but we really don't have the extra money to be driving 20 mins there, 20 mins back, 2 times a weekend every second weekend, exspecially when gas prices are constantly above $1 per L.

I have been as lenient [excuse my spelling] as i can possibly be, but when we don't have the money , we don't have the money... so we RELY on that gas money from him to transport his son to his apt and back.. If he paid support then that support money would end up going to gas (because we don't need it for anything else) for that transportational purpose and he would not be asked to pay anything for the gas....

I am not rich by any means... but i don't ask him for money either. The only money we have asked for is this gas money, which he KNOWS is going to gas, because he KNOWS we have calculated it out and its exactly what we have burned on these trips.

That is 40 a MONTH btw... not 40 every second weekend... so i don't think it's that unreasonable.. concidering he would be paying just over $80 a month for half the price of the bus tickets ( if we did the 50/50 things ) as they would add up to $160 for 8 tickets at $20 each.

I think if we DO go to court, I will be FINE.. why? Because in my mind ( and in many others ) I have a justifiable reason to refuse visitation sometimes...

1) He does not help with gas
2) He waltz's in and out of his sons life as he pleases without even acknowledging the heartache it's causing the little guy.
3) He doesn't not have a stable living situation (he is bouncing from home to home, mooching off people )
4) He makes his little boy sleep on the dirty floor with 1 blanket and a pillow, when he has visitation.
5) He smokes ciggarettes, drinks, and does drugs EVERY single night, regaurdless of whether DS is there or not.
post #23 of 28
I haven't read all of the posts here so sorry if I am repeating anyone. I personally think it is your ex's responsibility to maintain his own relationship with his son. I don't think you should have to chase him all over the place, track him down, arrange visits, etc. on your ex's behalf. If he bothers to contact you and you want to be nice and drive your ds to see his dad - at his dad's arrangement, of course - then that's okay but if I was you I'd just leave it up to your ex to make future arrangements. You sound like a wonderful mom, and that's a big enough responsiblity in itself without having to foster a relationship because your ex is to much of a mess to do so himself.

I had a similar experience with my ds's dad. It was so frustrating trying to chase around after him, constantly have to arrange everything so they could maintain the precarious bond that my ex did nothing to maintain on his own. After awhile I thought, why should I be doing this for my ex? If he can't be bothered to get it together enough for his own child then that's my ex's loss. I decided to instead focus on helping my child deal with who his father really is (and, no, I don't continually slag my ex but I am honest with my child about him). Leaving the responsibility in my ex's hands to keep up contact, etc., has reslulted in my ds not seeing or hearing from his dad in nearly five years now. That's kind of nice for me, but I feel bad for ds as his own father is too pathetic keep in touch with him (and we do live in the same city).

Anyway, my long and drawn out point is that it is your ex's job to be a good dad to your child. You are already doing your part; it's up to your ex to do his.

Good luck; this is a tough situation.
post #24 of 28
You may not need that $40 now, but kids get a lot more expensive as they get older. That $40 could pay for your son to take part in a sport, or buy him a new book every week, or let you take him out to dinner once a month: small luxuries.
As far as visitation goes (posting on both your threads) I'd just stop making it easy for him.
post #25 of 28

I could have written your posts jaydens mom

Not to hijack your post but to tell you my experience with a similar situation. My son was 6 months old and his father and i split, I left cause he was a party all night,sleep all day sort of person, I wanted more in life and for my son, so from 6 months old to the age of 3 he saw him occasionally usually due to my calling and badgering him. little to no support money given, When my son was 2 we went to court, decided visitation and support became "official" I was at the time a full time worker and student, paying for my apartment, car, insurance, things me and my son needed, ALL i asked from the father of my son was to BE AT MY HOUSE at 9am on saturdays (not 12:30 in the afternoon) and RETURN him to me at 7pm. SATURDAY was my ONE day to go and get grocerys,do laundry and basicly organige myself for another hectic week ahead, and it was helpful when he decided to show up. I was so sick of calling (his mothers house no less) and hearing her scream ITS HER! up the stairs like i was the plague calling to infect everyone, I couldent take him not coming, seeing my son with his little coat on standing by the window blowing his breath on it making pictures in the fog, asking me over and over when is my daddy coming? now mind you I have been with the same man since DS was 18 months old, they got along great. I was pregnant with my daughter when my son turned 3. he would often not see him for 2-4 months at a time, with no explanation, or i would hear from people that "I wouldent let him see his son-PLEASE!) so we went to court and being pregnant i was overly emotional as i tend to get : In mediation I just poured my heart out to him and the mediator and I just said LISTEN, if you like to party, IM happy your enjoying life, BUT-all I ask from you is 4 saturdays in a MONTH to commit yourself to being there for DS, THATS ALL, I dont care for the excuses, I dont care for the drams,the Phonecalls, You need to just DO it, and I am telling you NOW if you cannot be a stable enough person to complete this task of parenting just 4 days a month, I do not want you in his life AT ALL, it isnt healthy. do you understand? and he said he did, and got all upset and said he didnt think he could do it, he had so much "going on" (whatever that ment) so we agreed to "temporarily suspend" his visits. this was feb 03, he hadnt seen DS since 12/27 (the day he must have realized christmas had come and gone and he hadnt called his child) We walked out of that courtroom with the agreement he would call him on the phone every other day or so.... and i swear to you I never heard from him again...this christmas it will have been 4 years since he has saw DS, not a phonecall, happy birthday NOTHING, not even from his family either. NO BIG LOSS. (to me) however it will always be a loss for my son, no matter how much of an ass i think he is, he still is his biological father, and i respect him in conversation. gladly my fiancee has taken over the roll of dad, he calls him daddy and sometimes i think he forgets there was ever someone else in his life, right now I like the way my life is without his bio father in it, but let me tell you, in and out and in and out has MUCH more long lasting emotional effects than out. kids need consistancy. they thrive on it. I dont know what his bio father thinks, i dont know how he can look himself in the mirror everyday knowing he a son and dosent send money or even communicate with him but thats him, i know i walked out of that courtroom that day almost 4 years ago expecting a phone call, that never came. anyway sorry to make this soooo long . I just wanted to tell you my story and send some support your way, good luck! make a firm decision and stick by it!
peace mama
post #26 of 28
Just be careful "refusing visitation" even if everyone else thinks you are right because "court/custody logic" is not regular human logic! Just don't tie it to money or his (not so great) personality. I understand the concern about drugs and no bed. I do believe that parents have to supply the child with a bed.

It is quite an issue that neither you nor the ex have driver's licenses (am I right about that?) I do wonder what a judge would do with that?
post #27 of 28
Thread Starter 
Well concidering that I have transportation ( my s/o whom i have been living with for 2 years now drives me and DS where EVER we need to go), and my mother has told me that she will pay for me to get my G1 as soon as I have time to myself to go take the test, I think it will be ok.
However, DS's dad has lost his license and CANNOT retain it until he has paid his fines for Drunk driving, speeding and etc.. then he has to go and take the tests all over again.
He also has been charged and placed on probation and in jail MANY times for assault, uttering death threats, and etc... so i don't think that will look too good on him... but I guess he is going to have to take that risk.
I however, have a clean criminal record, have never been arrested, and i am not in debt.
post #28 of 28
Originally Posted by MizLiz
I haven't read all of the posts here so sorry if I am repeating anyone. I personally think it is your ex's responsibility to maintain his own relationship with his son. I don't think you should have to chase him all over the place, track him down, arrange visits, etc. on your ex's behalf.
Jaydens Mom I see where your coming from. Two years ago my ex went on a 4 day weekend trip to a bed and
breakfast with his 20yo internet gf. They had met once before this. During that weekend he asked her to marry
him. When he came back from his trip his mother told him to give me a break and not call me for a few days.
He thought I was upset about him being with his new girl. No I was upset because I had heard over and over
for 4 years how he can't take weekend days off in the summer because of his work. I had heard how behind he is
on all his bills and that someday he would catch up and help me out with dd. (I had never asked for CS). He
would make plans with dd and then not show up. He would blame me for his short comings as a dad. When I
heard that he had bought a ring, paid for the flight, hotel, rental car, all on a weekend. Yeah I was livid. I felt
like if he could do all that for a stranger, why couldn't he do it for his little girl.
When he called me I was very calm, but his Mom was right I wasn't ready to talk to him about everything. I
just started to tell him everything I was feeling. How I worried about dd and her well being. How I never knew
if I could trust that he would show when he would say he would.
At some point he said something about how hard it was to have "baggage" and then I realized that he was talking
about dd. I asked him out right "When you say baggage do you mean our dd?" and he said Yeah. He then said
something about how new gf "wasn't interested in being a step mom" and how he was "trying to figure out how
all this was going to work".

Staying calm (while my head was spinning) I interrupted him and said "Look, if you are only a father out of
guilt, then you need to think about that. If you want a clean slate, then go, start your new life, and I will not fault
you for that."
I didn't plan on those words coming out of my mouth. I didn't really know where they came from because yeah I
do fault him for it. Anyway. Since then my dd has seen her dad twice because we happened to be at his
parents house when he passed by. He emailed once wanting to make plans and then canceled them.

I got to a point where I was tired of driving dd 1.5 hours when he decided to call. I was tired of running to him
when he wanted to see dd cause I so wanted them to have a relationship, and wanted to make that easy on them.
But then I wanted him to put forth some effort and that didn't happen.

If he called us now, I would make plans for them to see each other. I hope they can know each other someday.
But I left it so that he will have to make the effort for that to happen.

Jaydens Mom
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