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Why can't a blended mainstream/crunchy Mommy group work?!

post #1 of 183
Thread Starter 
I need to vent to someone, anyone .. I have an 8 month old baby girl and ever since I found out I was pregnant at like 5 weeks I have been a member of a due date group where I am the only one who is a crunchy APing mama. There is on other mama who is CDing and BF for like the first 4-5 months but that's it. The group was orignally quite large, like 200 members but now is only a tight knit group of about 12 of us who have been talking all along.
From the get go I have felt very out of place, for obvious reasons. But what hurts the most is that while I have sat by listening for months about Formula, Disposable diapers, Early early starting of solids (some as early as two months ), and CIO with only one negative comment about the early solids from me, where I was attacked by several members. I have to constantly walk on eggshells that is I should say something I will be jumped on. Like today, the conversation came up about breakfast of all things and one of my very laid back mainstream mama friends said that she never has anything but a big glass of Coke for breaskfast and I told her that at least she's not drinking the diet stuff with all the Aspartame.. Well I got jumped on by another mom who claims she drinks Diet Coke all day long and doesn't appreciate my opinion. Well then another one jumps in (the know-it-all of the group) that she has read book upon book about sweeteners and nutrition and that they all have negative things about them and that you can't single one out as bad.. Well whatever, the point being that when I asked "I am entitled to my opinion aren't I?" I was told of course, but essencially I am not, know what I mean? Why can't this work?! It's driving me nuts!!! Why are mainstream moms so touchy? If I can accept that every family is different and they need to do whats right for them why can't they do the same for me instead of telling me that "I'm cramming my opinion down their throats"?!:
post #2 of 183
I drink diet sodas and I know if someone said that to me I would be pretty annoyed too. I don't think anyone, crunchy or mainstream likes feeling judged, maybe that is how you are making them feel when you say things like that?
post #3 of 183
Yeah I would have to agree with Sharlla. Maybe its the way you're coming across and not the message that they have a problem with.
post #4 of 183
I agree with pp, I have many mainstream friends and on those rare occasions when I do say something, I've never had a problem. The delivery is all important.
post #5 of 183
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla
I drink diet sodas and I know if someone said that to me I would be pretty annoyed too. I don't think anyone, crunchy or mainstream likes feeling judged, maybe that is how you are making them feel when you say things like that?
It was said out of caring, not in a judging way.. My Mom has MS and her doctor swears that almost all of his patients with MS have consumed large amounts of Aspartame as children and in early adulthood. I personally can't ignore that plus the info on temperature requirements for the stuff, it seems iffy to me and I was relaying that. I don't know... Now I feel like I need to explain myself here too. Maybe I should I just give up.
post #6 of 183
No, I'm with you on this one -- I've seen many mixed groups go p in flames - AP and mainstream just don't mix in a group.
post #7 of 183
I am really sorry that you don't feel that you fit in with the other moms. I know you must be frustrated that you can't be your self. Could you maybe find a tribe that fits you better?

hang in there....I like you!!

ps...i dont drink diet soda's either
post #8 of 183
No I hear you, I don't know why but it's seems there is some serious sensitivity from the mainstream camp sometimes. Not ALL the time mind you, I do have mainstream friends, but it seems the mix in a playgroup atmosphere doesn't work too well.

On the soda issue, sometimes I don't even have to say anything, I've had some people instantly get offended when I even just say, "No thank you, I don't drink soda."
post #9 of 183
i'm on a mixed board that works PRETTY well, but only because the moms who get easily offended tend to say "to hell with it" and leave. We still have our share of arguments, but I have noticed the mainstream moms tend to get WAY more offended than the crunchy moms.
post #10 of 183
I do know what you mean. One of my pet peeves when hanging around with mainstream moms is the "terrible birth story" competition -- who can tell the most godawful medical story in a proud way without ever questioning the competence of their doctors or the hospital. It makes me nuts!

I tend to think critical, judgmental thoughts a LOT although I'm working very hard on not even thinking that way, much less speaking that way. I try hard not to give advice unless it is asked of me, and even then to keep things very positive. So, for instance, in the above scenario, I tend to say nothing (this is me with the fixed Buddha smile on my face : ) unless the conversation turns to me, and then I tell about my amazing, life-changing natural births with a big smile and with few words. I figure that if someone is actually interested in learning more, she can always ask me later.

But really, hanging out with mainstream moms all the time can be very wearing. I am really, really grateful for the AP mothers I've met via MDC and LLL. It makes life a lot easier to just let it all hang out, KWIM?

And not to be judgmental about people being judgmental, but .... I've found that my crunchy friends have been very forgiving of me when I, for example, fell of the cloth diaper wagon. Maybe it's because we are so used to being judged ("you're still breastfeeding? that baby is still in your bed? shouldn't she be eating solids by now?" etc.)
post #11 of 183
I had someone in a playgroup say to me at one point, regarding sleep issues, "You guys don't do that AP *hit do you?" Which totally caught me off guard because she knew we were all nursing (as was she) and we were all babywearers. So I think she equated AP strictly with co-sleeping. We didn't really answer the question exactly but the conversation did seque into one about how we were co-sleeping somehow.
post #12 of 183
I used to belong to a play group of mainstream mamas in my area where I was COMPLETELY out of place. They told me how I was *ruining* my child by being so AP. : As I said "used to" belong to that group. It was way too much negative energy for me. Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel.
post #13 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrunchyMamaOf3
Why are mainstream moms so touchy? If I can accept that every family is different and they need to do whats right for them why can't they do the same for me instead of telling me that "I'm cramming my opinion down their throats"?!:
Why are they so touchy? Probably because they know better than the way they've chosen to parent. They Know formula is bad, but they still use it. They know CIO is wrong, but they still do it. It's a guilty conscience.

Being offended about the aspertame... that's like being offened because someone says that McDonald's is bad for me. I know McDonald's is bad for me, I still eat it every now and then. It's a guilty pleasure I can't see being offended by facts :

Please stay with us here at MDC, we're far less touchy (well... not always, but we're a large group of women, so....yea)
post #14 of 183
I agree w/ the pp, they probably know your parenting style is healthier for your kids but maybe they are intimidated by it or don't really know enough about it. And I don't see how you can "educate" them without offending them. I am getting tired of sitting around with my : face and listening to stories about babies who cry, for example, from 3:30-4:30 and then every 20 minutes until 6 a.m. I don't think it is a judgemental thing to feel this way, it is just really really sad to hear this stuff. There is enough sad stuff on the news without me listening to other mamas tell horrible stories about their children. I am now looking for some new playgroups. Maybe API?
post #15 of 183
I recently broke up with my mainstream playgroup (online). I've been hanging with these women for nearly 8 years. That's 8 years of medicailzed births, formula out the wazoo, kids with so many ear infections I couldn't count, CIO, cribs in special nurseries..as they got older...non-GD philosophy, pettiness, cattiness and general stupidity. I went on haitus for a while because it just got to be too much. I had ababy, came back ready to play again. Once in a while I would interject something trying to help (like the breastfeeng mom who gave her babe some formula and had trouble -- I suggested she stop giving the formula to see if it was the breastmilk or formula and went on about my way) Finally a big blowup occurred whereby I said that school sucks and I wish my kid wasn't in it. I suggested some interesting articles to read. I came back the next day to find 30+ posts angry with me. I defended myself right and left. People brought up that breastfeeding post, among others, where I had been helpful bu tthey all thought I was being judgemental and rude. I was so not being that!! So I left. I said "screw it!" and left. I hate "goodbye, I'm leaving!" posts and I almost didn't write one, but I did because I wanted them to know that the reason I was leaving is becAUSE I have grown as a person and I have grown out of them. Of the 20 or so active mmebers, exactly three said anything to me by email. I deleted my bookmark to group and haven't looked back. I couldn't be happier!

I told you all that to tell you this: the people who wrote to me were the more "fringe"y people on the board. They said that the people who got upset probably did so because of things said above: they know what they are doing is crappy and/or they felt threatened by my knowledge. That made me feel, I don't know how really. I am glad I left them. I miss a few people but obviously, nobody's missing me.

Namaste, Tara
post #16 of 183
Mama- I personally think you should run- not walk away from that group. If they can't respect you for your opinion, they arn't worth discussing your opinion with. Being around persons who are polarized by their absolute truths can provide you zero value. How can you nurture, grow and learn with a group that doesn't think objectively and value everyone's idea in the group, let alone mock you and your ideas? Your energy is best spent on things you value, and there are plenty of mamas here who are right there with you.
Welcome to MDC, you'll find your niche here and flourish in the ideas that are right for you.
~All My Best~
post #17 of 183
"Being offended about the aspertame... that's like being offened because someone says that McDonald's is bad for me. I know McDonald's is bad for me, I still eat it every now and then. It's a guilty pleasure I can't see being offended by facts :"

: One of my pet peeves is people who argue against facts, like the whole bf/ff thing. They obviously KNOW breastmilk is superior to formula, but refuse to admit it. :
post #18 of 183
[QUOTE=CryPixie83]Why are they so touchy? Probably because they know better than the way they've chosen to parent. They Know formula is bad, but they still use it. They know CIO is wrong, but they still do it. It's a guilty conscience.



Not always.
There are plenty of people out there who see absolutely nothing wrong in the way they are parenting their children, and think that parents wo practice AP are "hippes" and the like.

I have learned to just do what is best for me and not interject my views unless specifically asked to do so. Now that DD #1 is in school, I have had to learn how to deal with other parents on issues like birthday parties where soda (pop, here) is involved. my kids know they are not to have soda, and have askes the hostess mommys for juice or water instead. HOWEVER, If i haven't mentioned up front that I prefer her not to have soda (usually they ask if she has any allergies, i say "no, but she's never had pop...we've managed to get away with that so far" in a joking way, so as not yo insinuate that any kids who do have pop are being mistreated, or that she is a bad mom for serving it) and she tells me soda was sreved and she had some...no huge deal, it was a small bit, and I most certainly would NOT say anything to the hostess mom (even if it was diet soda ) that's a surefire way to alienate yourself and your children. I also don't feel the need to justify my choices to anyone. if someone challenges why we buy organic, or why my girls don't have soda on a regular basis, my response is a simple standard 'we feel it's best for US to ___fill in the blanks-__".
post #19 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by CryPixie83
Why are they so touchy? Probably because they know better than the way they've chosen to parent. They Know formula is bad, but they still use it. They know CIO is wrong, but they still do it. It's a guilty conscience.

Being offended about the aspertame... that's like being offened because someone says that McDonald's is bad for me. I know McDonald's is bad for me, I still eat it every now and then. It's a guilty pleasure I can't see being offended by facts :

Please stay with us here at MDC, we're far less touchy (well... not always, but we're a large group of women, so....yea)
What does CIO mean? I am still new-ish to these boards, still learning
post #20 of 183
I don't think it's possible for mainstream and AP moms to mix, especially if your the children are young. At least for me, anyway. It breaks my heart to hear how someone let their babe CIO (and usually at some goddawful young age like 7 months or so). I cannot help but feel sorry for the child and disgust toward the parent.
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