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Why can't a blended mainstream/crunchy Mommy group work?! - Page 3

post #41 of 183
I'm going to ditto the respect mentioned above. If they aren't respecting or tolerating your parenting style then you may want to leave the group. I think by staying you may be able to teach your children to respect and tolerate other's POVs and parenting styles though. Even if you don't believe in the things they practice at the end of the day we are all just moms who love our kids. I doubt they are sitting around thinking up ways to harm their children. They are doing the best they can. It's possible that they are "mainstream" b/c that's all they've ever been exposed to. Lack of exposure to something normally causes ignorance (not just in parenting but most aspects of life). I think that tolerance and respect are taught by the parents and learned at a very young age.

I know I never post here so none of you know me, but I'm certainly not judging any of you or trying to offend anyone. I am friends with several mainstream people and do have a few crunchy friends. We simply respect each other's opinions and styles. None of us do it the same way, but we enjoy each other's company. I have turned some friends on to cding and such because I hang out with them. They certainly didn't know that they could be so addicting. I hope you can continue going to the group for interaction, you never know who may ask about co-sleeping or slinging one day and you could have all the answers.
post #42 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by CryPixie83
Who's placing blame? Lots of things cause cancer, but that doesn't mean that all cancer is caused by, say...smoking. Aluminum has been linked to Altzheimer's Disease, but that doesn't mean every Altzheimer's case is cause by aluminum exposure. Likewise research (or anecdote) showing that aspertame is linked to MS does not mean that all MS is caused by aspertame.
all i was saying, is that it is a milder form of throwing salt on an open wound. we are still adjusting to what i consider in some respects to be a catastrophic, or at the very least, MAJOR chronic progressive illness, and i'm extremely sensitive, and to have it implied that he or we caused this in any way directly or indirectly / even unknowlingly, is very painful for me to read.
post #43 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberkay
It's possible that they are "mainstream" b/c that's all they've ever been exposed to. Lack of exposure to something normally causes ignorance (not just in parenting but most aspects of life). I think that tolerance and respect are taught by the parents and learned at a very young age.
That's a good point I never thought of. Very very good way to put it.
post #44 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by melv
all i was saying, is that it is a milder form of throwing salt on an open wound. we are still adjusting to what i consider in some respects to be a catastrophic, or at the very least, MAJOR chronic progressive illness, and i'm extremely sensitive, and to have it implied that he or we caused this in any way directly or indirectly / even unknowlingly, is very painful for me to read.
the OP wasn't "throwing salt on an open wound", that could only be so if she actually KNEW firsthand of your husbsnd's medical condition. You can't expect everyone to know what is going on on your life, and should not be offended by conversation that was not directed at you personally. I am sorry for what you are going through, but you have to be realistic, there is no way anyone wouyld have known about your husband. And even so, i didn't read anything insensitive or accusatory in her post, she simply pointed out a possible correlation between aspartame & MS. No one implied anything about you or your husband directly, it was a general statement.

I'm positive no malice was intended
post #45 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewMomNicole

I don't believe that the moms who post here feel insecure or guilty about their decisions when they complain that other people disapprove or don't understand their choices - I think they just want to be heard and respected, just like anyone.
I think for people who post here a lot that is certainly true. However, I see a lot of newer members posting because some mainstream friend or family member has said something that makes them question their mothering instinct. They are often looking for reassurance that they haven't "screwed up their toddler" or that they aren't "doing it wrong."

I guess my point is that MDC mamas get slammed a lot for being judgemental but many mainstream people are just as judgemental.
post #46 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by gen25gen
I think mainstream and AP parents can mix and form a good group--HOWEVER, it needs to be more of a balance. If you are the only one in a mainstream group or the only mainstream in an all AP group, I think its going to get dominated by whatever group has the overwhelming numbers. Honestly, I think the best is to try and find a group of moderate parents who don't consider themselves either AP or Mainstream but borrow from both. This is what I found and it worked wonderfully. Because really what is "AP" or "mainstream"? I hate the labels. They only serve to isolate us even further. Mommy wars....

BFing wasn't my thing, but my kid eats a super healthy organic/natural food diet from the start of solids (at 7months) to present (he is 3.5 years old). I've seen some mom's who BF until the child is 2 and at 3 the kid's most commonly ate veggie is the french fry.

Co sleep versus crib? Really whatever makes the parent and the child most happy and functional is the best. We tried cosleeping w/ our son, and he fought it...it just wasn't him.

I expected "AP" parents to limit TV, but have known some that let their kids watch loads of it. Again, what is "AP" what is "mainstream"?

Solids at 2 months old, does make me cringe...it really does...but what I am saying is pick your battles and find a group of more open minded/like minded people. If you are the only crunchy one there, I just don't think its going to work.

Even though I am a healthfood person--I do like my diet soda too! I try to limit it to once a day, but yeah...us diet soda junkies like our junk:
I have to agree with you, even though we disagree on a few points.

I am the opposite in some ways. My DD was bf until she was over 2 (I can't stand formula) , and I have a hard time getting her to eat veggies, so yes French fries and ketchup is her major veggie (but we have success with corn on the cob this summer.) I drink reg coke, and some diet too. (I don't want the sugar, but want the drink.)

Feeding solids at 2 months bugs me too, and I had to keep my mouth shut when my SIL started doing this with her FF adopted baby last month. I think I am going to have to keep my mouth shut a lot. :

I don't consider myself AP, but from what I read about it, others who knew about it might consider me AP (I am very pro breast feeding and extended breast feeding.) We don't co sleep, but then again my kids spend time in the king size bed with DH and I too. (We love to cuddle in the morning, or if a child is sick they normally sleep with us.)

I don't think anyone would call me crunchy, but we do have goals to eat healthy and are all in good shape (and exercise as a family.)

I think mom's should support other moms. That is really what we need most. I think we can learn from others experiences. I am sorry that you feel you have been supportive, but that this group is not of you.

I am really enjoying this web site, but feel I am a bit too mainstream for most people here. However I have not felt judged in my use of huggies or vaccinated children. I have felt welcomed and that is a good thing.

I know I am far from perfect. Being a mom is hard. I do know that I am a good mom though, even with my faults (and soda, diet or reg )
post #47 of 183
I think that a blended mainstream/crunch Mama's gropu can work, but like a pp said, it is really hard if you are the only one on either "side." Otherwise, if no one else thinks like you do, there isn't going to be a balance and it will become a "them" against "her" and vice versa. I wouldn't want to be in that situation if I were the only crunch mama because I would feel like my opinion wasn't important and I wasn't getting any support in my parenting choices/methods. That said, I would love to mix with both types of mamas (in a balanced group because I'm not intersted in being the hated outcast) because I think we should be "adult" enough to have differing choices and still be able to fraternize (serious promotion of spanking might be a deal breaker though!).
post #48 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess
The respect is a two way street in our group. Moms who say there was no way they could sleep with their little one, I respond with "It only works for families if it makes everyone happy, parents and little ones." I know that my way of parenting is not the only way, and they know that their way of parenting is not the only way. But we all think of each other as good parents, we all have a mutual respect for each other and understanding that what works for one may not work for all.
Great post, ITA.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimiij
I think we should be "adult" enough to have differing choices and still be able to fraternize (serious promotion of spanking might be a deal breaker though!).
Once again , absolutely.

I know for me I don't mind if more "mainstream" mamas do things differently than I do on so many levels. But I cannot sit by and listen while someone tries to validate CIO, hitting their child or RIC. I can't do it. This is abuse, no bones about it and it tears my heart out. We can vibe as long as these things aren't an issue.

We're all in this together and I will not shame another mama, we need to support each other. But I can't just sit by and watch these things be practiced or touted as OK to do when it's just not.
post #49 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamacatsbaby
But I cannot sit by and listen while someone tries to validate CIO, hitting their child or RIC. I can't do it. This is abuse, no bones about it and it tears my heart out. We can vibe as long as these things aren't an issue.
Yeah I agree. I have some mainstream friends and we get along great but that has a lot to do with the fact that they don't preach anything that I am severely opposed to and they don't criticize my choices either.

There is a woman that DH works with that called me once about wanting to get together for a playdate. In the course of our short 5 minute conversation she felt it important to let me know that she uses CIO with her daughter and that she believes children can be manipulative and it's very important not to let them get spoiled. I knew we could never be friends. Not just because she thinks that way but because she was so proud of it that she felt the need to tell me right away.
post #50 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedWine
I don't think it's possible for mainstream and AP moms to mix, especially if your the children are young. .
I know for a fact that they can blend. I worked for a parent support org that did just that!

BUT what you need is for all parents to recognize that all parenting styles are valid.

That means the AP parents have to understand that children raised by non ap parents are not screwed up and will be fine and upstanding adults. And the non ap parents have to get that the kids raised by AP parents will also be fine and unpstanding adults.

Basically we all need to get that most parenting choices won't show on our kids by the time they are 30 and unless we feel this will be something that you can tell (I can see you were raised by an AP parent-NOT!) at thirty it isn't important for me to impress my POV on you.

we used moderators for the first three months to help the groups get this. It worked. I think you get what you give respect wise.
post #51 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamacatsbaby

I know for me I don't mind if more "mainstream" mamas do things differently than I do on so many levels. But I cannot sit by and listen while someone tries to validate CIO, hitting their child or RIC. I can't do it. This is abuse, no bones about it and it tears my heart out. We can vibe as long as these things aren't an issue.

We're all in this together and I will not shame another mama, we need to support each other. But I can't just sit by and watch these things be practiced or touted as OK to do when it's just not.
Exactly.
post #52 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
BUT what you need is for all parents to recognize that all parenting styles are valid.
Well I'm not sure I agree with that. I don't think CIO or spanking or other harsh disclipline methods are valid and as a child victim of both of these I think they do quite a bit of damage.
post #53 of 183
:
HelloKitty -- I love your siggy quote! *Franti groupie*
(sorry just had to say that becuse I just now noticed it)
post #54 of 183
Thanx!! You're the first person to notice it and I've been wearing it for a few days now!! :
post #55 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by HelloKitty
Well I'm not sure I agree with that. I don't think CIO or spanking or other harsh disclipline methods are valid and as a child victim of both of these I think they do quite a bit of damage.
And that is why you can't find AP and non AP parenting groups that work.

Own what is yours - this is yours. YOU are part of the problem.

I don't support abuse either...but I don't think that you can tell at 30 who was spanked and who was not, who CIO and who did not. In fact I know that isn't something you can tell about a person. Maybe if they were abused but there is a lot of difference between abuse and those parenting methods.

Don't whine and complain that non AP parents can't accept you when you can't accept them. Just own that you reject them and deride them and their bad parenting.
post #56 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine

That means the AP parents have to understand that children raised by non ap parents are not screwed up and will be fine and upstanding adults. And the non ap parents have to get that the kids raised by AP parents will also be fine and unpstanding adults.

Basically we all need to get that most parenting choices won't show on our kids by the time they are 30 and unless we feel this will be something that you can tell (I can see you were raised by an AP parent-NOT!) at thirty it isn't important for me to impress my POV on you.
This is interesting because isn't the whole point of AP parenting, or CSL, etc. that it will create "better" people. I really don't mean "better" but maybe more compasionate, gentle, motivated, confident, etc., etc...

In addition to that I am not sure that you can't tell people were or were not APed. How many people who were not APed have problems with anger towards their own children, stuff like that? I think that the way you were raised has a huge impact on the kind of parent you become.
post #57 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
...but I don't think that you can tell at 30 who was spanked and who was not, who CIO and who did not. In fact I know that isn't something you can tell about a person.
Don't be so sure. Can you tell by looking at them? No.

Can you tell by looking at their cortisol assays? Probably.

I wholeheartedly believe parenting styles leave their mark, permanently. Just because you can't tell with your naked eye doesn't mean the biology is not affected (and hence corresponding behavior).
post #58 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
And that is why you can't find AP and non AP parenting groups that work.

Own what is yours - this is yours. YOU are part of the problem.

I don't support abuse either...but I don't think that you can tell at 30 who was spanked and who was not, who CIO and who did not. In fact I know that isn't something you can tell about a person. Maybe if they were abused but there is a lot of difference between abuse and those parenting methods.

Don't whine and complain that non AP parents can't accept you when you can't accept them. Just own that you reject them and deride them and their bad parenting.
While I think this was stated a bit harshly : I do agree with the fact that everyone seems intent on placing blame for the fact that "mixed" groups won't work. This "us" versus "them" mindset is cause for most of the animosity that has developed.
post #59 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
And that is why you can't find AP and non AP parenting groups that work.

Own what is yours - this is yours. YOU are part of the problem.

I don't support abuse either...but I don't think that you can tell at 30 who was spanked and who was not, who CIO and who did not. In fact I know that isn't something you can tell about a person. Maybe if they were abused but there is a lot of difference between abuse and those parenting methods.

Don't whine and complain that non AP parents can't accept you when you can't accept them. Just own that you reject them and deride them and their bad parenting.
Also, why then are any of us AP, if not because we feel this is best for the child, and will provide a sound foundation for his/her future...? Heck, if they're all going to turn out the same, I'll get some sleep for once and let my kids cry themselves to sleep at night...:
post #60 of 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedWine
Also, why then are any of us AP, if not because we feel this is best for the child, and will provide a sound foundation for his/her future...?
Do you really believe that any parent makes any decision for any reason other than that they think it is the best choice for their child?

Honestly. I know that ALL parents choose to parent they way that they do becuase they are making the best decision they know how to make for their child at the time with the information they have at the time.

(OK maybe a tiny percentage of a percent of parents are evil)

Quit being so judgemental about other people's parenting style and you won't feel as judged in return.
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