Please help me with my 4 year old!

[chrissy]

Oh mamas, please help me. I am having so much trouble dealing with my 4 year old (almost 5 year old) son. I just do not know the best way to deal with his somewhat out of control behaviors. I feel like the instincts that I relied so heavily on to tell me how to parent when he was younger are now worthless.

Here is an example. We are in the car and when we get home, he tells me that I need to take his tanker truck in the house. I tell him that I can't because my hands are full and that he can carry it in. He freaks out- takes off his shoes and throws them, screams, yells that I am "stupid" and a "bad guy."

What is the gentle way to handle this?

Please, please help. Book suggestions are more than welcome as well.

:

[monkey's mom]

I think it's just the next level of expressing frustrations, you know?

When they're little and they hear 'no' or get frustrated, they cry and stiffen and sometimes hit or kick. At this age, they have more motor skills and vocabulary, so they use often use them.

I think your guy just heard 'no' and felt at a loss.

Often it helps my 4.5 yr. old if I can say, "Um, yes, I'd love to carry the tanker, but I've got all these groceries. What do you think? Can I come back for it? Or maybe you would like to carry a bag of groceries?"

Sometimes even as an adult, I want someone to help "take on" my problem for just a moment, help problem solve, and know that they're there for me if I need them. I see my 4 yr. old relax a lot when he feels like I'm on "his side" with something. And then, often that's enough! Where he'll say, "That's OK Mommy, I'll carry the tanker."

They're still young and learning coping mechanisms! Think about how many adults get pissed off in traffic and do stupid, impulsive stuff--it's a looong process, you know?

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

I'm not sure what davice I have, but I want to tell you that in my experiance this kind of chalenging behaviour is developmentaly normal for 5 year olds. They are torn between wanting to be grown up and have controle of what goes on in their lives and still wanting to be babied and cared for. My ds is 6 and seems to be comming out of the other side of this. My strategy when he behaved like this was to more or less ignore the outburst or maybe tell him "I don't like to be spoken to that way" but to be clear about what your expectations are "You will carry your own toys" in a gental firm way. With my ds it was useful to keep conversation to a minimum as he would draw out the debate as long as he could hoping to wear me down and get his way. Other children might need lots of explaining to understand what is expected and why.