Need advice--new baby/issues with my toddler

[mlec]

I don't know what to do. I'm a exhausted hormonal post partum mama, but I don't think it excuses how badly I've feeling and acting toward my DD #1. She's 2.5 and she's driving me I N S A N E. I just want her to go away and leave me in peace to bond with my newborn. Instead she's too loud, too rough, into everything, and wants to nurse non-stop.

I strive to be GD, but was raised by rage-aholics and have a L O N G way to go. I don't believe in punishing, rewards/praise, or emotionally manipulating children, but my personal resources are so low right now. I alternate between snapping at her, and then feeling guilty and overcompensating. Which makes me resentful, and then I end up snapping at her again. It's too sad. Yet my primary feeling is one of violent annoyance. She's handling it so well it makes me want to cry---like she's used to this crappy treatment.I guess I've been a bad mama for a long while.

She's bored and I don't have anyone I can ask to come over or babysit.

nak

[Jaydens_mom]

Maybe you can try and get her to help with the baby.. Get you a diaper, or a blanket..
Help you pack your diaper bag when you go out...
Just little things to help her feel needed and involved in the new joy of your life.
It sounds to me like you are pushing her away and she is feeling unwanted.. you may not want to admit to doing this but I think any normal mother in your position would and does do the same thing.
They get wrapped up in the duties of being a "new mom" all over again, and forget all about thier duties of being an "old mom" to thier other STILL YOUNG child.

I really recommend giving her little chores or duties to help care for her little sister like i mentioned above.. see if that helps.

[mlec]

I'm definitley pushing her away and makiing her feel unwanted. I can admit it, but I feel terrible about it...yet I keep acting the same!

She does hand me diapers, we're not to the point of leaving the house yet b/c it's only been 5 days.

I just don't know how to change how I feel toward her. And to complicate it, I totally built up tandem nursing and now I hate hate hate it.

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by mlec

She does hand me diapers, we're not to the point of leaving the house yet b/c it's only been 5 days.

I just don't know how to change how I feel toward her. And to complicate it, I totally built up tandem nursing and now I hate hate hate it.

Only been 5 days!!! Geez Mama give yourself a break here! I'm the mama of a two week old and a one-year-old. The first five days were HELL around here. My firstborn is allllll about Mama and was throwing himself down on the floor, hurting himself, screaming constantly at me and everyone else. I was certain I'd ruined his little life by having this baby. No matter how much I played with him, picked him up, let him do anything and everything he wanted it wasn't enough. As soon as I picked up his brother to nurse him, Paddy would go crazy and scream. And just like the house in the Wizard of Oz hitting the ground after the twister, and Dorothy saying "Oh!" It was over. Paddy is back to normal and things are stabilized.
I had/still have some of the same emotions you're describing right now, and I think they are perfectly normal. There are plenty of times, like lunchtime today when I was trying to nurse the newborn in the sling and that was a disaster, while trying to make a sweet potato but I wasn't going fast enough and my 1yo is thrashing around in his high chair throwing crackers and looking like he was going to kill someone if he didn't get his potato NOW- I wished both of them would just disappear and I could go take a shower or at least a nap. : And every evening around 6pm I start staring at the clock and coming up with anything to pass the time until my 1yo gets a bath and goes to bed, and I can just enjoy my evening with the newborn. Sure, I've snapped at Paddy- many times. And no I don't feel good about it. But it happens, you try your best to stay calm and avoid it, forgive yourself and move on. You have to. Otherwise you really will go nuts.

It does get better Mama

[Harper]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way--and only five days in, too. I'm guessing she is demanding to nurse so much as a way to get your attention. I'm sure everything she is doing is to get your attention. I had it really hard for the first 3 months or so with my toddler. I think I was feeling more guilty than angry at her. She was such the center of all of our world's and then baby came along. I was REALLY lucky to have help and so could spend time with her alone or she could go places with her au pair so we weren't alone and on top of each other the entire time.

What about play dates? Is there anyone you know with kids her age that you can invite over to play. You and the other mama can hang out and she will have someone to play with? What about some devoted time after your partner comes home (I'm making an assumption and I'm sorry if I am wrong)?

It sounds like you are really trying and give yourself credit for that. This is a really tough time and all you want to do is cuddle your new one. I used to like to remind myself that my new one probably wouldn't miss me for a little while but my older one really did. Take lots of deep breaths. Apologize to her when you need to. She can understand that sometimes you yell when you shouldn't.

Good luck. I'm sorry I don't have more advice. Hopefully it will help just being here and hearing from mamas that understand. It will get better.

[EStraiton]

awww mama give yourself some time.. its ONLY been 5 days. do you have a dh or someone close that can give you some relief? sounds like you need a few hours/day to yourself to spend with the new baby.. and then vice versa, an hour or so when possible just you and your toddler.

really seems like you need a hand.

[mlec]

Thanks so much for your comments, mamas.

Yes, I do have dh and he's really being phenomenal. He came home at lunch today and now has dd#1 at the pool. She's been wanting to go so badly. And now instead of napping, I'm up w. my newborn who's now awake!

I bought some special things for dd1 to keep occupied, but now I feel like I'm just throwing crap at her or bribing her to accept being brushed off. I do feel so guilty, but at the same time the mama bear just wants the newborn to look after.

I have family close by (sis 20 min.; parents 40 min) and I've asked for help and basically been ignored. I asked my sis to take my dd1 to the playground in our 'hood w/ her 2 yo ds and she grudgingly said she would, but then came by w/ her hubby and sat around our living room acting like they were here to be entertained. They are very anti-NFL and very negative ppl. If I have nothing to rant about with them, we can't keep a conversation going. It was very awkward. My sis was like, "Well, I would've brought you guys some food, but since your dd is allergic to everything, I really couldn't think of anything to make. Plus we just don't have alot of food right now." (huh?)

My mom came by 2 days after the birth (only b/c she was already at my sis's house) and sat in our messy kitchen and talked about people we don't know and don't care about. And acted embarassed at my bf-ing, and at any details of my awesome homebirth (doesn't really approve). She didn't offer to wash one dish. She didn't bring a gift for the baby, or my toddler, or me...not that it's required but sheesh!

We just moved to this place in July so we're not even completely unpacked and I don't know anyone nearby. I have a really hard time meeting people and making friends, and it's always embarassing to me to admit I need help.

I thought about maybe calling the church we joined to see about a mother's helper that could keep dd1 amused while I got a little done around the house. I'm trying not to overdo it...but feel a little pressured b/c SIL is coming to visit from out of town (possibly w/ her bf) Labor Day weekend and our house is a disaster of poopy diapers and blood-stained sheets. It's our first time cd-ing, too, and we have no idea what we're doing. We're also trying to ec from birth this time, which makes for even more mess.

MIL is planning on visiting in Sept. also, and SIL2 w/ her hubby and baby are coming early Oct. Plus last time I had major pp depression, and right now, caffeine and chocolate are the only things that make me feel like a normal human being. But my dd1 is allergic, and since my milk is here (vs. dry nursing thru/o my pg) I have to tailor my diet to her needs...

I do appreciate all the support. I should mention that I'm sure anyone else would consider my dd1's behavior angelic, esp. considering the circumstances. Which makes me feel even more guilty for my constant impatience with her.

[MamaBug]

Moving this to Toddlers

[annarosa]

hugs to you mlec - for goodness sake be kind to yourself - it is perfectly normal to be totally in love with the new babe and totally out of love with the older one - it is just a (short) phase and nothing at all to worry about ..............

[honeybee]

My dh was home with us for the first two weeks, and I can't imagine going through that time without him there to entertain ds1. At 5 days pp with both boys by myself I'm sure I would've been a basket case. So please don't be too hard on yourself!

And I've certainly been in that position of snapping at ds1 more than i should. It's like as soon as the baby came along, I started expecting more of him because he is the "big" one, which really isn't fair.

And tandem nursing is HARD. It is not natural at all. Yes, there have been the sweet hand-holding moments, but those still don't seem to make up for the sets-my-teeth-on-edge feeling I get most of the time. I am fine nursing the toddler and baby separately, but I still hate trying to bf them both at the same time. Sometimes, however, ds1 is having a meltdown when ds2 needs to eat, and it's the best solution for all of us. I try to get them positioned and then read a book to take my mind off what I'm doing.

Things that have helped with my toddler: 1) Acknowledging his feelings. "I know it's very hard to wait for the baby to be done. It doesn't seem fair does it?" Or, just repeating his request. "Yes, I know you want mama milk right NOW. I wish I could give you mama milk right now."

2) Putting some limits on nursing. He gets short "2 minute" nursing sessions. Then when the time is up, we count to ten. By the time I get to 10, he is all done. Just getting that little pick me up helps a lot. Now that we have the 10-count routine, he happily stops when we're done instead of crying for more (most of the time). Or, if I can't nurse at that moment, I will tell him when he can nurse again, "after this" or "at nap time."

3) Letting him be the "baby" at times. I'll carry him in the sling a bit, coo at him the way I do the baby (when he seems to need it), etc. Let him know he's still my baby, too.

4) Encourage help with the baby, but don't expext/force it. If he is right next to the burp cloth but doesn't want to get it for me, I try hard not to get exasperated.

5) I constantly pray for help being the mother each of my kids needs. And I try to forgive myself when I screw up royally.

6) Remember this too shall pass!

As for the house: maybe you should just tell all the visitors to stay away for a few months? You really don't need the added stress.

[wagaboodles]

Hang in there, mama! I'll be in your shoes in November and I'm sure you'll have plenty of advice for me then. In the mean time, all I have to offer is hugs.

[K&O's mommy]

Mama...I am sending you hugs.

I totally understand what you are going through. I to went through this when my DD#2 was born. I felt like I was either snapping or ignoring my DD#1...adn this was really hard for me because she was the centre of my life before DD#2 came. I also had to admit (6 months later mind you) that I was suffering from PPD.

Things that worked for me were
1) got time to MYSELF every day. After Hubby came home from work we would have supper and then I would leave the house for 1hr....go for a walk, to the store, sit in the car and cry...whatever felt good.
2) Once a week DD#1 and I would go out for some one on one time. I would generally just take her to the park, but it was just me and her...no baby to interfere.
3) admitting I had PPD was a huge thing and a great relief.

And I also moved 1 week before I had my DD#2 (moved in on her due date) and 10 months later I stillhave things not unpacked...I just learned to ignore it and concentrate on my girls.
They are the best of friends now, DD#2 loves DD#1 soooo much.

Good luck and Big Hugs