Teaching Social Graces

[LynnS6]

Our 5 year old is distinctly lacking in his ability/willingness (can't tell which) to use those little bits of language/behavior that I would call social graces. He doesn't greet people, won't say goodbye (though we can get him to wave). He won't say 'please' unless we remind him, won't say 'thank you' even when we do. (And I hate doing it because it feels like training a seal!)

We model these things ALL THE TIME. Requests at home have 'please' attached to them. We always say 'thank you'. When we go places, we make it a point of saying hello, introducing people (even the children) to everyone and saying goodbye.

His 2 year old sister has them down pat, and we've never had to coach her at all. What really brought it home to me was a conversation they had in the car today -- dd (2) needed something put back together, and I told her that I couldn't do it because I needed both hands to drive. So, ds (5) reached over to her seat, said "here" took it, put it back together and gave it back to her saying "there". DD responded "Thank you." Silence. Then she said "I welcome".

Ds is very bright, and is generally kind and helpful. He's a nice kid, but it's starting to drive me batty that he doesn't do these things. I feel like I'm being ordered around at home, and that he's starting to appear rude to outsiders.

Ideas?

[Roar]

If you had to say what do you think the problem is? Is he generally shy?

May I suggest a couple of books to read with him - your library may have them.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/031...e=UTF8&s=books

And, don't be put off by the title - this book is really great. It has pictures of real kids and our son found it really fascinating.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/188...e=UTF8&s=books

[clane]

DS said please/thank you/excuse me, etc on a regulare basis as a toddler/preschooler. He has slacked on it quite a bit since he started school. DD regularly says it and will coach him on it as well. I'm not sure if its an age thing, a gender thing??? He still opens/hold doors at stores, offices, etc for other people. He will let a door shut on me to open one for someone else?! The grandmotherly type just gush over him :

[teachma]

To the OP, I could have written your post! I also have a 2 year old daughter who uses the "polite" words to an extreme. When I give her ice cream after dinner, "Thank you. I love you Mommy." My son sometimes says, "Good." which disgusts me! Of course, I always remind him. He will say "thanks" if it is genuine and heartfelt (maybe a couple of times a week at most), but not just because he's "supposed to" after every little kind gesture done for him. I will be reading the responses with interest.

[LynnS6]

Thanks for the book tips, Roar, they both look very good.

Ds is definitely an introvert and easily overstimulated. He's in OT for sensory integration issues, and I've mentioned to his OT that he seems to have some difficulty processing emotions. I think it's mostly that he's so overwhelmed by them that he 'shuts down' and then can't do anything else. He's not on the autism spectrum, but he's definitely on the far end of 'typical'.

I think that at home, he's just not in the habit. While we're out, he simply can't. I'm OK with him not saying much while we're out. I know that it's hard for him. But the child talks non-stop at home, and it does bug me here.

I might try to think of some ways to play these issues too. He loves imaginative and role play and so I might be able to incorporate that into it. (He's his own best therapist - he will play out anything that he's processing at the moment!). He loves to be the 'teacher' at school - so maybe I can be the 'rude' student and see what happens.

He is actually getting to be quite good at saying goodbye to his friends at school (verbally, not just with a wave!), so maybe there is hope...I just don't want to see him struggle socially - I think he's at risk for that. (Or maybe it's just motherly paranoia?)

[Fiestabeth]

Personally, I think it is about both gender and personality. My little bro sounds very much like your ds, and he is still lacking in social graces at age 23! And he too had them modeled at home constantly. He does fine socially, but I have noticed that he thinks it's okay to not use social graces with immediate family members, but that is changing as I have the courage to tell him when he's been short with me or hurt my feelings. He is very logical, introspective, and fairly quiet, and I know that he finds social graces somewhat unneccesary and annoying. The paragraph you wrote about your ds I could have written about my bro: introverted, easily overstimulated, and disdain for emotions as well as difficulty processing them.

I found the little exchange in the car between your dc very interesting, because my bro will do exactly that - he sees a problem, fixes the problem, and doesn't see much need for verbal interaction during the process.

Honestly, I don't know that you can do much besides continuing to model the behavior you would like to see, and gently encouraging him. The role-playing is a great idea if that is something he enjoys. My mom has wondered to me if she could have done something different, but I really don't think so because my brother's personality and quirks are so strong, and uniquely his.

[teachma]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I think it's mostly that he's so overwhelmed by them that he 'shuts down' and then can't do anything else. He's not on the autism spectrum, but he's definitely on the far end of 'typical'.

I'd describe my son exactly this same way.

[John&Timmy'sMom]

I had a teacher once who would hand out our papers...if we did not say thank you he would come back and take our paper from us. If we did not say please, he would not answer the request, but just stand there and look at us as if we were forgetting something.