Stop Touching Me!

[Lazyhead]

My good (and only) mama friend has a DD (E) the same age as my DD (Z). They are *very* different and have opposite personalities--Z is extroverted , E is introverted & extremely shy (she used to cry whenever she saw my DH and many others until very recently), Z doesn't care who touches what and E doesn't want anyone to touch any of her toys or anything she has recently touched. I know that both behaviors are developmentally appropriate I am just laying out the situation for you .

So here is my current problem with the situation: Z is very touchy-feely and is always trying to touch E. This makes E freak and cry. I've told Z that I know that she loves E and that she wants to touch her but E does not like it. I've told her that when somebody cries and moves away that means they don't want to be touched. I've physically removed her from situations where she was trying to hug E. So now she runs over and touches E as much as possible even if just to touch her leg while E's mom is holding her. It all just makes me so sad because I think initially Z was just trying to be friendly but since it's become such an "issue" she does it as soon as we see them.

Please help me think of something else to do other than just not see my only mom friend! I am very frustrated. TIA

ETA: The girls are 2.5 yo

[crb]

I can relate to this - my dd is the one who likes a lot of personal space! Maybe you and your friend can work for a few visits to redirect the play in a fun way? Like have your dd play her "touching game" w/the other mama (instead of the child) and maybe you too. I would guess redirecting the play is the best way to go, and if you can be playful about it, maybe the other little girl will get the sense of positive intent in your dd's activity? No great advice, just some sympathy!

[hawkfeather]

i have been in a very similar situation and in that case the other momma and i sat down and figured out based on our kids needs what would work best,

[WuWei]

My friend's child and my child are opposites just like this. One sensory seeking, the other sensory adverse. We tried to work out playdates and found that the children were distressed. The touched child felt violated, the touching child felt confused and sad.

I visit my friend at other times without our children along. We have a 'hang up rule' with the phone. We chat throughout the day and feel like we share parenting together even without playdates. So, we might hang up as needed to caretake urgent issues, 6+ times in a day while chatting. We also have an occasional MNO, have made "dates" to go to the grocery store together and have met up at the Home Depot with our dh's and kids along. Then we can visit while we shop. We also have found it helps if we have other friends for the touchy child to play with at neutral places like a playground. We have maintained a close relationship without subjecting our children to our friendship. And we are able to visit for other outings like a Saturday lunch.

HTH, Pat

[LynnS6]

Could you teach your daughter to show her friend a book or offer her a toy instead? Something that doens't involve physical touching, but where she gets to show her excitment?

[Lazyhead]

Originally Posted by scubamama

I visit my friend at other times without our children along. We also have an occasional MNO, have made "dates" to go to the grocery store together and have met up at the Home Depot with our dh's and kids along. Then we can visit while we shop. We also have found it helps if we have other friends for the touchy child to play with at neutral places like a playground. We have maintained a close relationship without subjecting our children to our friendship. And we are able to visit for other outings like a Saturday lunch.

HTH, Pat

I am thinking this is the direction we're going to need to go. It makes me a little sad because the other mom has lots and lots of other friends (she has lived in this area her entire life) and I have very very few and we have never hung out without our kids--it's our main link!

We are going to play this morning and we will try some other things like going to the playground and touching E's mom & handing toys. Thanks mamas.

[Lazyhead]

Originally Posted by hawkfeather

i have been in a very similar situation and in that case the other momma and i sat down and figured out based on our kids needs what would work best,

OK, care to be more specific?