s to you, Sally!
When you went over to your soon-to-be ex-husband's house and he refused to help, could you have said in a non-confrontational voice, "Ok, you take a nap and I will do x,y and z. You can do the rest of it when you get up." Then you've put the responsibility back with him.
As for him acting like an *ss, as you said, you are trying to detach. Determine what that means to you and what you will and will not "put up with". You can only control *your* emotions and *your* reactions...there is nothing you can do or say to make him behave differently.
Best to you, sweetie...keep us posted!