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My Sd Doesn't Come Over Anymore :(

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Ok so heres the story...
when my s/o and his DD's mom went to court for custody, my S/O (only 19 at the time ) agreed to allow SD's mom FULL custody, but he was to get visitation EVERY second weekend from Saturday at 10 to Sunday at 6pm.. * this was short because she was under 1 at the time *

This went fine for 9 years and then about 1 year ago she stopped coming over every second weekend ( even though for 9 years she was only staying 1 night like the agreement said.. they hadn't went back for an updated agreement)...

It seems like everytime it is visitation weekend, her mom lets her plan a sleepover or go to a birthday...INSTEAD of sending her to our place.

I just got a call from her mom 2 mins ago, and now its another sleepover shes going too... SD didn't even come last visitation because she was apparently going out of town...

Sometimes we have caught her mom in a lie "sd wants to come home early on sunday because she planned something with her brother" and then when sunday comes SD is all sad because she has to go home.. when we inform her that her mom told us she didn't want to stay that long on sunday, she says "I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!"

It is really starting to stress us out because we can never make plans... Her mom doesn't call till 1-2 days prior to let us know she isn't coming...

SD has also said to us that her Step dad said she couldn't come over ( on occasions where her mom said she had a sleepover or that she didn't want to come over )...

Sometimes i think SD is telling us one thing and telling her mom another, and then others i actually believe that her mom and step dad aren't allowing her to come over and making up excuses...

what should we do?!?!?!

If it is true that her step dad and mom are holding her back from seeing us , can that be abuse and would we have a chance at actual CUSTODY?
post #2 of 15
Thread Starter 
Also SD has told my s/o's mom (her gramma ) that her step dad makes her weigh herself when she gets home from visitation and if she has gained even a lb she isn't allowed to eat dinner that night.... :-/ this upsets me because shes not even a big girl... shes slightly chubby like most girls are at 10 but its nothing to worry about, and she has been caught weighing herself in the washroom during our visitations so we have had to hide the scale...
post #3 of 15
Dss lives mostly with us so when there is a special plan, it has to be on one of our nights because he doesn't see his mom as much. What would happen if you just said, "No, it's our night." If the dsd really wants to go, it might be a problem since she's older. You could also say, "That's fine, when can we have our visitation?" (ie. reschedule for another night). This kind of thing is hard to stop once it starts. Protect your time with her.

Also, custody agreements aren't forever. Ours says that either party can return to court/mediation for any reason. We had a new schedule every year for a while. Now ds sees his mom Tuesday and Thursday one week and Tuesday and the weekend the next. That is pretty common. You don't have to "get custody" just add another night and see how it goes. Next year, add another if you live close by.

I wouldn't say it's abuse, but it doesn't have to be for you to get more time. A lot of dads have 1/2 time now for no reason other than they are the parent equal to the mom. There is some issue with "alienation of a parent" but even if the mom is an angel, her dad could still get more time with her.
post #4 of 15
Thread Starter 
Well we are taking them back to court .. but it is so expensive, and thank god its my MIL who's paying for it instead of my s/o

I am a product of a broken home so i know that sometimes as girls get older they don't want to see thier daddies as often anymore...

I'm starting to think this is the case with my Dsd...

I know i would tell my dad excuses, or have my mom make some up because i really just didn't want to go...

and when he asked me if i didn't want to go anymore i'd deny it...

So i can see why she would do the same thing... ( tell her mom to tell us she would rather stay home ) and then when we ask her she makes up an excuse to not hurt her dads feelings...
post #5 of 15
Hey,

My SD is 15 and my SS is 11. They don't come up as much as they used to. They have lives of their own now and they don't want to come up as often.

Maybe you could sit down with ur step child and ask them how much they would like to come up.

Good luck with court.

Serren.
post #6 of 15

That is sad...

My 2 sons are 7 & 3 & my SS is 6 & my SD is 9- this is so sad to me that the kids get too busy for their parents... I know it happens, even in non-broken families, & also to the best of parents, but it just makes me sad...

It also reminds me of my childhood. I had every other weekend visitation with my dad, it was just a given to me that when it was his weekend- no friends were coming with me & I wasn't allowed to stay home to have friends over. That was his time.
post #7 of 15
We're in a similar position with my oldest stepdaughter, except we live in a different city and she hasn't come in two years! I fully understand what you mean about not being able to 'tell' where she is really at in terms of wanting to come - that's so difficult. You don't want to grill them, but you want to understand where they're at. If you're worried that she is trying not to hurt her dad's feelings, he could try having a straight-up talk with her and saying not to worry about that at all, because he just wants to get a sense of how she would like things to look.

The stepfather weigh-in is really disturbing. Did she tell you this???
post #8 of 15
As a stepmom and a stepdaughter, here's my perspective:

I used to cause a lot of turmoil with my parents because when I was with each I would say or act reluctant to leave and go visit the other. I was trying to make each feel loved and I really felt that way at the time, but it turned into a big huge mess. My mother was also putting a lot of pressure on me too by saying things like, "I miss you so much when you are away at your Dad's." Holidays were awful.

One of the best things my Dad did was just say how glad he was to be able to spend time together but that he knew as I got older there might be times when it was difficult to fit a visit in (never said a word about my Mom's actions.). Basically he wanted me to know that there was absolutely no pressure from him to be there at certain times or days but that he'd always be willing to pick me up for a short visit or just lunch and a movie. It was such a relief and to this day, I still enjoy the low pressure visiting with my dad more.

I'd suggest just talking with the daughter and seeing what she wants but also giving her permission to be honest about it without reprisals. At an age when hanging out with friends is SO important, it may be better to have a Daddy/daughter date night once or twice a month that won't interfere with dances, parties, and sleepovers.

Oh, and one on one time with my Dad helped a lot too. We played golf together which was sort of like "our" time.
post #9 of 15

Oh Dear...

I tell my son all the time that I miss him very much when he is with his dad. We have joint custody- 50/50 I get him M-Sun he gets the next Mon-Sun. I do miss him A LOT! I don't want him to think I look forward to the time is away... cause I don't I dread it. Is that too much pressure on a 7 year old? I had never thought of it before.
post #10 of 15
Do you live close by? Maybe more time during the school week is better as she enters the teen years and weekends are so important with friends. Or, invite the friends to your house instead of her mom's.

I also read somewhere that children of divorce have smaller social lives than kids in intact families because their is a reluctance (of parents, but maybe the kids too) to "give up" visitation time.
post #11 of 15
Thread Starter 
She told her grandmother my MIL and my MIL told me...
we've also heard her drag the scale in the bathroom floor, step on it, and then drag it back into place..
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammastar2
We're in a similar position with my oldest stepdaughter, except we live in a different city and she hasn't come in two years! I fully understand what you mean about not being able to 'tell' where she is really at in terms of wanting to come - that's so difficult. You don't want to grill them, but you want to understand where they're at. If you're worried that she is trying not to hurt her dad's feelings, he could try having a straight-up talk with her and saying not to worry about that at all, because he just wants to get a sense of how she would like things to look.

The stepfather weigh-in is really disturbing. Did she tell you this???
post #12 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom
Also SD has told my s/o's mom (her gramma ) that her step dad makes her weigh herself when she gets home from visitation and if she has gained even a lb she isn't allowed to eat dinner that night.... :-/ this upsets me because shes not even a big girl... shes slightly chubby like most girls are at 10 but its nothing to worry about, and she has been caught weighing herself in the washroom during our visitations so we have had to hide the scale...
In my opinion, this is the abuse.

Aside from the psychological damage, the possible damage to her body (starving her will mess up her metablism over time), and the violation of attempting to control her body in this way, it is beyond creepy that her step father is showing so much inappropriate interest in her appearance. This feels like "grooming" to some extent, establishing that he has a right to monitor and control her to this extent.
post #13 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy
In my opinion, this is the abuse.

Aside from the psychological damage, the possible damage to her body (starving her will mess up her metablism over time), and the violation of attempting to control her body in this way, it is beyond creepy that her step father is showing so much inappropriate interest in her appearance. This feels like "grooming" to some extent, establishing that he has a right to monitor and control her to this extent.
Apparently he told her that he doesnt want her to end up like her mom ( her moms not HUGE but slightly overweight)... I am afraid this is going to lead her into thinking shes not good enough, or not skinny enough, and cause eating disorders. My mom would tell me constantly growing up that i need to lose weight, even though i was just chubby for my awkward years... it made me VERY self conscience, and most days i wouldn't even eat.
post #14 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom
Apparently he told her that he doesnt want her to end up like her mom ( her moms not HUGE but slightly overweight)... I am afraid this is going to lead her into thinking shes not good enough, or not skinny enough, and cause eating disorders. My mom would tell me constantly growing up that i need to lose weight, even though i was just chubby for my awkward years... it made me VERY self conscience, and most days i wouldn't even eat.
Aside from the fact that there are a lot of other ways he can encourage her to develop healthy habits (and skipping meals is not one of these), I think that what he is doing is creepy and inappropriate. I think you're right on about the possible ramifications.

***Adding that when I say this, I do not mean to imply that this is your fault (you don't control his behavior) or that you have any real means of changing him.

My grandparents were this way when I was growing up. Not the weigh ins, but inappropriate comments about my body and about what I was or was not eating. I did spend many years battling an eating disorder. The irony was that it started when I was at a perfectly healthy weight for my height.
post #15 of 15
we started only have the 2dsd for 2 weeks in the summer when they turned 10&9. we also had dd at that time. I'm not sure what's the real cause but they now "hate" visiting. Dh has turned into a "Disneyland Dad" to try to keep them happy but nothing works. I think it's a combination of dd, teens in general, and I'm sure other stuff but I haven't a clue and the dsd won't talk.
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