i am just so angry..and I haven't done anything wrong - Page 2

[Emilie]

We bought our house just so the kids would have a hang out place when they got older in the basement. My parents always would rather have us at their house than out somewhere. I can feel his pain....but he needs to lay off you for sure. My brother is VERY mean to my mom. Still. One day he dumped out her paper grocery bag filled with garbage cause he thought she should have taken it out to thegarage. I have seen it bad. I feel it stems from issues between my dad and my mom.
Do you have anyone who can help out telling him to knock it off?

[Jaydens_mom]

I agree with Pandora. He has 2 feet and a heart beat.... maybe next time his birthday comes around ( if you haven't gotten one for him already) then get him a bike.

He can bike the 2 miles to his girlfriends place and get some exercise at the same time..

He is nearly 16, I am sure he knows how to look out for cars... I think you'd be ok letting him venture over.

Just STRESS to him that he needs to call you upon arrival, incassseee something does happen, so you know whether he made it or not, and to call before he leaves. (or set a certian "be home by" time)

Like I already said, he likely realized the "why's" were aggrivating you and was hoping that you would just give in.

Teenage boys ( and some girls ) can seem like the most unreasonable, manipulative, self absorbed people on earth.. but deep down they always remember what you taught them.

Here's a little instance:

My brother, like i described (briefly) above, is a real rebel child. He is selfish and cares nothing about others feelings , just his own ( or so my mother THOUGHT ).
He was hanging out downtown at 2 am (yes, i too thought that was unreasonable, but my mom thought he was staying at a friends) and some drunks stumbled out of the local scuz bar... they starting squabbling and one of them started attacking the other, smashing his head into the ground repeatedly..
My brother and his friends were all standing around watching and telling the guy to stop...
Once the guy was finished the victim was laying there gushing out blood and everyone ( except my brother ) took off.
He is NOT one to deal with blood but he realized he couldn't leave this guy bleeding to death on the sidewalk knocked unconscience...
He ran to the payphone ( the fight took place in a parking lot so there happened to be a payphone RIGHT there) and called 9-1-1..
They were very rude with him, almost like they thought he was lying to them.. they kept asking him questions over and over after he had already given the answer, then he piped up and said "listen we need someone here this guys brains are popping out of his head and he's bleeding to death".
Well the dispatcher told him he would have to go tend to the man, and hold his brains in until the paramedics arrived...
My brother isn't too bright so he didn't think to rip the guys shirt off and use that to compress the wound.. he instead ran across the street back into the bar and asked for some towels..
He stayed there with that man for nearly half an hour, holding the guys "brains in his head" (his words to my mom), until the paramedics arrived.

He could have been like every other kid and taken off... but he stayed like he had always been taught was the RIGHT thing to do..

This goes to show you that no matter how much you think they are letting things you say go in one ear and out the other, when it comes down to it, they always remember what you taught/said to them

[aisraeltax]

Originally Posted by Emilie

are you upset I said that?
Im sorry.

no..not at all. sorry for the miscommunication.

[aisraeltax]

Originally Posted by Emilie

We bought our house just so the kids would have a hang out place when they got older in the basement. My parents always would rather have us at their house than out somewhere. Do you have anyone who can help out telling him to knock it off?

kids are always in my house. and i feel the same way. thats how my parents were.
no one else really who can "get through" to him. his dad thinks we've "lost him" (thats BS..hes RIGHT HERE!). my dh is not forceful enough with him...its hard to explain but my ds1 and i are very much alike, and telling us something very calmly and matter of factly doesnt get our attention. i dont know if its he ADD or what, but we really need to know you are upset when you are telling us that..instead of "im really disappointed that blah blah blah" in a calm voice. i dont know if that makes sense, but we need to FEEL your emotions. we are very emotionally sensitive. dont know if anyone will understand that b/c well..im not sure it makes sense being written.

[aisraeltax]

Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom

( if you haven't gotten one for him already) then get him a bike. He can bike the 2 miles to his girlfriends place and get some exercise at the same time..

he has a bike, and has used it for those purposes.

[spero]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

he is a 6'2, 180 lb. KID..yes, he hates that but he is just a kid. i look at him and see my baby boy growing up and HATING me b/c he's bored. it brings tears to my eyes.

i just wish there was somethign i could say. somethign that would make him understand taht i love him and want to protect him but he cant sit there and harass me, kwim?

THIS I can relate to. I love my son desperately, but his insolence and disrespect make me want to physically hurt him. (I can no longer best him physcially, anyway - so it's a moot point.)

He hates that he's still a kid - he desperately wants to be treated like an adult, but SO does not get it when I tell him he will NOT get that as long as he's acting like a bratty little kid.

the 2 feet and a heartbeat is what scares me though. we live out in the country. her house is at least 2 miles away, and the street to get there is a rural country road but one that is 2 lanes and has cars sporadically driving past at 70 mph at times, kwim?

I have to agree. My son rides his bike 4 miles to town, to see his gf, on a busy 2-lane state road. The rule is that he must give himself enough time to get home BEFORE dark. People regularly drive/pass/speed like maniacs on this road, and there have been many, many accidents on the route he travels (two fatal, in the past two years alone). Heck, just yesterday afternoon I was driving back from town and totally did not see two teenagers on bikes on the side of the road - they were in the shadow of a large tree - I saw them just as I was passing them, and I was aghast at how close I came to hitting them. I definitely would not see anyone in the dark.

The back roads to town are even worse - barely wide enough for two cars to pass each other, and no shoulder.

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

i dont know if its he ADD or what, but we really need to know you are upset when you are telling us that..instead of "im really disappointed that blah blah blah" in a calm voice. i dont know if that makes sense, but we need to FEEL your emotions. we are very emotionally sensitive. dont know if anyone will understand that b/c well..im not sure it makes sense being written.

I understand what you mean because my DSS is the same way. In order for him to pay attenton, he has to know we are angry. Expressing disappointment and frustration in a conversational/calm tone does nothing but cause him to glaze over and ignore us. The ONLY thing that seems to get his attention is if he knows we are mad, and the only way I have been able to figure out how to convey that is by yelling. It really frustrates me that that is the only way he will pay attention. Because he is quite emotionally senstive and will sometimes then act like his feelings are hurt (I believe they are - I'm not saying it's a "act") because he's been yelled at. It's this crazy cycle that we are having a hard time getting out of. I don't want to yell, but when he flat ignores me otherwise, I don't know what to do. :

[sophiesgrandma]

I feel your frustration.

My sons are 23 and 28 now. You will get through these "terrible teens"
I too, was brow-beaten mercilessly. You are right in standing your ground. It is difficult if the father is'nt strong at this point. This is the time when it's much easier with a strong father or father-figure. I admit that sometimes I used my dh to have a talk with my sons to stop the brow-beating. They will do it to their mother more.
Sometimes its' easier for the father to get through to a son because the son will take it more from the father at this age. They go through a thing of not wanting a woman, especially their mother, telling them what to do in certain cases and at certain times. They are trying to find and feel their "manhood".
Even if you and your husband feel he's lost or you're not getting through to him-keep trying. Deep inside he's very happy and secure knowing you care enough to set down some rules. I did have curfews for my daughter and sons up until 18 years of age.

I hope this helped a little.

[BathrobeGoddess]

I don't have a child quite this old yet...I have a few more year thank goodness...but I remember not thinking of my parents as people at 15. I know that sounds weird but I never thought about them as people separate from what I wanted to do. It was also never personal when I was mad, bored, etc. they were just the scratching post for me since they were around, YKWIM? Anyway...just random thoughts...

[aisraeltax]

Originally Posted by mamameg

Expressing disappointment and frustration in a conversational/calm tone does nothing but cause him to glaze over and ignore us. The ONLY thing that seems to get his attention is if he knows we are mad, and the only way I have been able to figure out how to convey that is by yelling.

i don't have to yell per se and if i actually do yell, he shuts down. but i have to express the emotion in my voice for him to understand im upset. i cant just say "im upset", which is the way my dh communicates. i don't respond to that either. if dh says to me "im upset", i listen to him but i don't really "hear" the emotion and don't readily respond unless its really clear what he's saying. e.g. (this is not a real example)...if we were shopping and i had something on my list to get and didn't get it and while unloading teh shopping, he said "im upset you didnt get that", i would probably respond "sorry i forgot"...and that would be the end for me. if he really wants me to know that he's upset, he really needs to sit down with me and talk or say something like "you know that was really impt., i was counting on you to do that, etc. etc.". i just dont respond to ppl being "upset" in a really calm manner. my ds1 is the same way. my ds2, on the other hand, cries regardless of how calmly you tell him you are upset.

[Delacroix]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

i snuck out when i was a teenager but i dont want my teen doing that! how hypocritical of me. i cant stand taht part of being a mommy!

I don't think you are being hypocritical. You are older and wiser. To view sneaking out the same way NOW that you did back then would be concerning, don't you think?

[Delacroix]

One other thought; in our family, we have a large notebook that we use for family communications. (My ultra-private daughter, Sequoia, has her own private notebook to communicate separately, so whatever works for whomever...).

The kids write whatever is on their minds in that notebook. My husband and/or I will respond. OR, my husband and/or I will write what is on OUR minds in the notebook, and the kids will respond. This has worked for us very effectively. You eliminate the 'triggers' of spoken communication, and avoid a lot of the habitual pitfalls of stressful conversation.

Another plus; everyone always wants to respond. It's not hard to get communication flowing that way.

This might not be of use to you, but I thought I would throw it out there.

[Red]

Oh I hate when kids are like that! It's so frustrating.

He's pushing you, seeing how far he can push before you blow. THe idea is for you to NOT lose it, no matter how hard he pushes.

Sounds good huh? But you're human and NO ONE can put up with that forever. So you do your best! Keep trying. And keep saying NO! No decent parent is going to drive a kid to his GF house late at night and let him out knowing that the kid is planning on having sex with a girl who's sneaking out. It's just wrong.

But he has to ask. He's compelled to do it.

Stick with it, be firm, and consider moving your computer into your bedroom, so you'll have somewhere to excape to.

Mostly I just want to sympathsize. My two youngest are 16 (twin girls. Do you KNOW what guys think about twins!?!?!?!?!?!: ) Last week one of them threw a fit because I wouldn't let her go to a 20yo guys apartment to see a movie. He'd pick her up about 9:30 pm. Uh, HELLO? 20 yo guys don't just watch movies with pretty young girls, just cause they need a friend, or if they do, they can come to YOUR house, YKWIM. Man was she pissed!

So, Stick with it. And I'd tell him, probably, "You KNOW why, now quit or....and fill in the blank with osmething that would get his attention.