WHY can't I just be normal! *sobs*

[Irish_Blue]

It's 6:15am and I am absolutley exhausted but I can't sleep.

Last night was the first night that I took 50mg of my zoloft, I was a bit panicky here and there but nothing to really pay much attention to ~ I figured it was either me or the increase in zoloft and that I'd be okay, (I just started the medication a wk ago, I started at 25mg) I mean this stuff was supposed to "magically" make it all better right!?

I've not slept well for the past two nights, Seamus has been up a lot but everything was manageable.

Last night I slept out in the living room b/c Seamus was in the swing and the last little while he's slept better there, although we co-sleep too, anyhow, he woke up at around 3:30 so I got up and nursed him I felt a bit dizzy and slightly panicky but I shook it off as simply being tired, put Seamus back in the swing and went back to sleep. Two hours later he woke up again so again I got up and decided to go to the bedroom to sleep, it was more comfortable than the mat on the floor, this time however I was even more dizzy and pretty panicky ~ as I laid in bed I kept talking to myself "Why are you feeling like this? Is it the medication? Is it me? Why wont it go away? There's nothing wrong w/ you Julia calm down, think "happy thoughts" although I wasn't having any bad thoughts really, until I started thinking I might have them, stupid fricken OCD. But then I started to get extremley anxious and my heart was racing, oh it was horrible! I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom "why is this happening!! What's wrong with me!!" I thought. I felt my pulse and my heart was really pounding "your having an anxiety attack" I thought ot myself "these are classic symptoms" but even though logically I knew this I couldn't control it, that was the scarriest part.

*sigh*

I took some resuce remedy and then went into the living room and woke up my dh and explained what was going on and tried to calm down, he was very sweet and loving, talking to me and telling me I was okay, I wasn't crazy, this just happens sometimes and we'll find a way to fix it. I was upset and angry though WHY can't I heal myself!!! I'm angry, frustrated, scared, exhausted. I just want to be normal again, healthy I want to enjoy my baby, after this he may very well be my last and that makes me so sad. Even though there were no garuntee's that I'd ever have a daughter, well now that want is never going to become a reality and that hurts too.

I went back into the room after about 15 minutes b/c I felt a bit more calm and I was soo tired, instead I layed there for a good 30 minutes everytime I closed my eyes I'd start to feel panicky again, but I was sooo tired (AM tired) but there was just something inside my head that wouldn't let me calm down, wouldn't let me sleep. So here I am typing away.

I'm angry that this has happened to me and that at 5 months pp I'm STILL dealing with this.

I just want to be healthy again :

I don't know what to do either, I do know I was better OFF the stupid medication but now what? I want to try amino acids but I don't know enough about them right now and I don't know any doctors that know about them. I guess I'd better start looking.

Anyhow, thanks for listening.

[coco4cloth]

you described exactly what happened to me when I went to 50 mg of zoloft. I really thought I was going crazy. What I do is I cut the pill in half and take 25mg in the morning and 25 mg at night. that works much better! the side effects such as the being dizzy will disappear. Just fyi, the meds can take 2-8 weeks to work. I started to see improvment within' 2 weeks.

i hear you on so many levels about just wanting to be healthy and normal again. i take everything moment to moment.

[Gale Force]

Some ladies here have transitioned off of meds using amino acids. They may have some insight. Two books also discuss it -- Joan Mathews Larson's Depression Free Naturally and Julia Ross' The Mood Cure.

Since you just started the 50 mg, you might talk to your doc about sticking to 25 mg before you get too used to the 50 mg.

It's too bad it's not magical for everybody. It just depends on what you are low in.

[Irish_Blue]

Thanks you guys, it is really reassuring that I can come here and have you guys understand. That was probably the most unpleasant and scarry experience I've had, short of the first two weeks pp, although what I experienced last night was a lot different than what I had in the past, I think what I had last night was a true panic attack where as before what I had was just anxiety brought on by my OCD.

I'm feeling really unsure on what I should do, I called my m/w and spoke to her nurse she said that I could just stay on 25mg for a bit longer and then try to up it again, to basically do what I felt comfortable doing. Problem is I don't know what I'm comfortable doing, if I wean off will I have a relapse of the first few wks pp or will I be okay? If I continue will I continue to have panic attacks, will it even help or will it just make the sitaution worse? No one has an answer b/c the answer is trial and error and I hate that. I also felt like she wasn't really being helpful, it was like well do what you want *shrugs* I really need someone to TELL me or at the very least HELP me and I'm just not getting that, but I'm also not being pushy *because* I don't know what I want. I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of incompetent doctors, or at the very least doctors who don't know what to do themselves. In a way this is all very distressing, I KNOW something is wrong with me, my body is screaming this fact at me and as much as I scramble to try and heal I'm just not doing it right & the the things I CAN do to help is either contraindicated w/ bf'ing or there are no answers as to whether it's safe or not.

I really want to try amino acids but there are not studies done w/ AA's and breastfeeding, although I know of women use them while nursing and with success.

I just don't know. I'm going to stay on 25mg for another week and then call my m/w and probably tell her that I want to wean off of them and try other things, but I'm also afraid of doing that! argh. I just need to make a decision and go with it.

Right when I think I have it together I'm a mess again. I hate it.

Thanks for the book recomendations. I'm currently reading the diet cure by Julia ross ~ and I just put in a hold on my library for the mood cure and the other books.

[lauraess]

try the amino acids-- they are not an herb= as in: medicinal. They are absolutely necesary for normal health. sometimes we lack them to an excess and putting them back does wonders.

[mgaige]

zoloft and other things ppd...

im new, so forgive me for not knowing anyone but i had to throw in my 2 cents here with as much as i have dealt with ppd and general depression and manic depression...

zoloft - did nothing for me but give me night sweats :

effexor xr, paxil- did great for me before and after my daughter, but not after my son was born

that one that they sell also to quit smoking that i cant remember the name of - makes me feel like ive snorted 20 lines of cocaine (not that i ever had, but its the closest thing i could think of in how to describe jittery, cant sleep for 3 days and paranoid) :

elavil - makes me my version of normal now...

let me say, i know how frustrating it is and how it can seem like no one knows what the heck they are doing sometimes... the problem with depression and pp depression is that the same meds dont work for everyone, so honestly it is just a 'try what works for most people and see if it works for you and if not try something else' thing. i know thats frustrating when you get used to drs being able to diagnose you with something and know exactly what to give you to make it better... unfortunatley it just doesnt work the same with brain changing chemicals... some work fab for most, some are terrible for some and a few few only work for a few...

just wanting to tell you you arent the only one out there and to do your best to hang in there until they find the one that works for you. I had generalized depression my whole life.. after sarah it was marked as pp depression and they warned me about having another since my depression was pretty bad to begin with... after i had david, i got into pp psychosis- seeing things that werent there ect ect the military put me on zoloft, it did nothing... they put me back on effexor after we got out of the military and i was fine again... it worked for a while but the 'panic attacks' started coming back more frequently and the out of control ocd and i couldnt sleep... found out the dr considered my panic attacks to be more of a manic state of depression and classified me as manic depressive and changed classes of meds to elavil 150mg and i am perfectly my version of normal now...wish i coulda found it sooner, but i know the practice of medicine is just that... practice until you find the right one... (btw, manic depression isnt just when you get those highs of thinking everything is wonderful and you can fly and stuff... those are hypermanic, regular manic is uncontrollable thoughts, racing thoughts, inability to sleep or concentrate ect)

I wish you the best and the patience to see it through to find what will work for you.

[Irish_Blue]

Thank you for your replies, I really do appreciate it.

I'm reading more about the amino acid's and such, hoping to find a local doctor who works w/ SSRI's and AA's ~ my plan is to eventually wean off of the zoloft and use nutritional means to help this as my ppd really is light at this point. Or WAS until the zoloft lol

mgaige ~ welcome to MCD!! Thank you for your response I'm sorry you've been through so much, that sounds very scarry & am so glad you found something that helped!

I think another thing I'm going to do is try and find a counselor who I click with, I think it would really help to have someone to unload to.

[Irish_Blue]

I've gotta get off this zoloft. I swear it's going to make me crazy if I don't. I've been panicky/shaky off and on all night and I started getting that old familiar cold tingle up and down my back tonight, I also can't sleep JUST like when I was newley pp. I'm also not wanting to be around Seamus b/c I'm afraid of him but there's no reasoning behind that fear other than I keep thinking "what if I lose it!?" ~ I hate this!

I've been trying for several hours now to get to sleep and I just can't, despite the fact that I'm exhausted. I even got out some of my hypnobabies cd's to see if I could relax myself, it works for a minute here and there but nothing consistent.

I am so frustrated that I'm reacting like this, it was the very thing I was afraid of! Why didn't I listen to my gut My fear though is that if I wean off of it that I'm going to have a full blown relapse *sigh*

[3_opihi]

Oh mama!!!

You are normal. You are so, totally normal. There are SO many people that go through this exact same thing that you are, but they just don't talk about it.

Just breathe deep, count to 10, read a book, talk to somebody. Remember that it won't be like this forever. You are fine, you will be fine.

I had terrible anxiety pre and post partum with my third child. It was *really* tough going, so I am totally feeling for you. Can you get yourself into an acupuncturist? I had really good luck with one. At the very least she can give you some herbs to calm you down while you adjust to the Zoloft. (I took 25mg of Zoloft once and didn't sleep for a week, so I think what you are experiencing is a common side effect).

If your anxiety is making it really hard to get by, then you can call your midwife and ask her to prescribe an anti-anxiety drug like Ativan. It will help, and it doesn't make you feel super drugged like some of the other ones. Basically, it just takes the edge off. Actually, sometimes just plain Ativan without Zoloft can really help those OCD anxiety thoughts. (and on the thoughts? if they scare you, you WON"T act on them. you're all good, I swear)

Maybe its time to start seeing somebody who specializes in this? At least with a psychiatrist you can talk about your stuff too -- just getting it off your chest and out into the universe can be SO helpful.

Hugs!!! This to shall pass...

[Irish_Blue]

I seriously just wanna roll into a ball and sob, I am so frustrated I feel like this medication is making me go backwards not forwards :

I'm going to call my m/w again today, I feel like such an idiot though b/c I called yesterday. I have a very close friend who's an experienced chiro and does TCM including acupuncture so I am going to call him today, I haven't up to this point b/c I hate admitting that I'm feeling like this.

I tried soo hard to get to sleep last night, I broke down and started crying b/c I feel like I'm never going to be normal again, my dh was soo sweet too he kept coming in to check on me and slept on the couch so Seamus could stay asleep on the bed ~ he got out the cd player and helped me set up the hypnobabies and was just so sweet.

I finally broke down and took half a unisom, I was reluctant before b/c I wasn't sure if I could or if it would react negatively to the zoloft. I almost feel frozen taking this stuff b/c I'm not sure what kinds of things I can take with it and what kinds of things I can't, & I'm litterally terrified of this getting worse so I just sit there doing nothing & trying my best to cope.

I really would like to see someone, the problem is finding someone I trust AND that my ins. covers, were drowning in bills right now b/c our ins. is being stupid and refusing to pay for any of the bills that was incurred from the pregnancy and birth, which is a whole 'nother vent lol

[Gale Force]

Julia,

Definitely call your chiro friend. He would probably be disappointed to know that you are going through this without talking to him when he could offer you some help. He may be able to help you get off of the medication and on to something that will be more effective for you.

Amanda

[Irish_Blue]

Your probably right, I do need to call him ~ I don't know why I'm so reluctant to. Well I do, I don't know what to say how to to express what I'm feeling w/out sounding crazy. *shakes head*

[Gale Force]

Just tell him you have PPD and need help. You are not his first friend or patient with depression, I can guarantee you that.

[Irish_Blue]

Well I called him and left a msg, I also left a msg for my m/w.

[Gale Force]

Great. If he doesn't have much experience with this, he can probably refer you to someone who does. And I think the important issue is not necessarily being able to communicate them all of the things that you are feeling, but that you are in a crisis state and need help now. That was a big problem for me -- I could put on a good face for a while and they never really knew how bad it was.

[Irish_Blue]

Yea that is me too, I'm great at putting on a good face and honestly it got me through the hardest part during my early pp days ~ but this medication is making it difficult to hold in.

I have also just left several msgs w/ some local counselors that my ins. covers, so my hope is that I can find someone who will work with me.

Thanks Amanda for all your help and support, I really do apprecaite it

[Irish_Blue]

Today has been frustrating

I just got a call back from my m/w midwife, she thinks I should stay on it but that I need to find a doctor who can better deal with this, I don't know any doctors that I trust which is why I went to her in the first place. I agreed to stay on it a full month and that if I'm still feeling this way I am going to get off of it. I feel abandonded even though I know she's not doing that, she's just saying what she is and isn't capeable of dealing with but still I feel like "well here's some med's they'll help" so I take the med's but they don't work and now it's well "ah that sucks not much I can do"

Great. Thanks.

What makes me angry as well is I didn't have any of this crap going on prior to starting the damn zoloft! I am SO angry that I even agreed to take it b/c I was doing good, anything that I was dealing with was manageable! I want to scream!

I've spent all afternoon looking for a counselor only to find out that I'm out of network so I have to find someone who will accept their prices and if they don't, and sometimes even if they do I will not only owe my co-pay, deductable but any remaining balance that my insurance doesn't pay. I can't afford that.

I'm feeling really angry right now & frustrated with all these "doctors" who seem to not know anymore than I do at this point, that doesn't do me any good and it makes me wonder why I even trusted them in the first place. This is EXACTLY why I didn't seek help in the begining, b/c I was affraid something like this would happen.

I guess what it comes down to is I'm on my own, it's completley up to me to figure this out and to see if I can find someone I trust. Although it seems like any help that is out there comes w/ a hefty price. *sigh*

[Irish_Blue]

I know I've been very posty today, but it's been theraputic and appreciate those who have put up with me lol And for anyone who might still read I thought I'd share some good news for a change

I seem to of had a break through tonight, I had a bit of anxiety w/ the idea that I had to take the zoloft again tonight and a few scarry thoughts but then shortly after this I suddenly calmed down ~ it was as if a heavy breath was released from me and everything was okay suddenly. I'm not sure what this means or if it'll keep up but I'm enjoyed the calm feeling I'm having right now, and praying sooo hard that things will calm down from here on out.

I don't know perhaps I needed to let myself go before I could begin to heal, I've held everything in up to this point and looking back it almost felt good to just completley freak out for a bit b/c I feel balanced now, & calm.

And the best part? I can look at my sweet baby and I'm not afraid of him, it's such a good feeling!

[3_opihi]

Awesome!!! That's very good news. I hope the feeling keeps up! How are you feeling now?

[Irish_Blue]

I've been like a slug today, extremley tired but I think that's a combination of not sleeping for nearly a wk and the meds.

My Chiro got in contact w/ me I missed his call but he is going to help me out, he's experienced w/ amino acid's among other things so I'm anxious to talk to him I hope he'll help me wean off the med's and onto better/healthier things.

My only worry is going off of them and going through it all over again, but at least if that happens I'll kinda know what to expect, my dh will be with me as will my chiro friend.