When did your ex start seeing someone else? - Page 2

[JustVanessa]

also it just seems to me that you are VERY full of anger/hate. it is normal i noticed you have just split a month ago but please be aware of how dangerous that is. I'm all about peace and love

I am glad that you can be in that head space but I just can't. I am so sick of people telling me that I should "get over it". Stbx keeps telling me what a "harsh bitch" I am being.

If at any time in my life, now seems like a time I am allowed to be bitter and angry.

[juliansmom]

Originally Posted by JustVanessa

I am glad that you can be in that head space but I just can't. I am so sick of people telling me that I should "get over it". Stbx keeps telling me what a "harsh bitch" I am being.

If at any time in my life, now seems like a time I am allowed to be bitter and angry.

I agree with you, Vanessa. Your X hurt you by picking up and leaving so suddenly; it's only natural to feel angry and hurt that he is running around town acting like you and your child don't exist. No one can deny you your emotions. You are not a "harsh bitch"; you are a human.

I have to say that I was a bit offended at an earlier post that seemed to jump down your throat for some words you used regarding a woman who might be seeing your X. All single women (and men) have a responsibility to tread carefully when dating a separated father or mother of young children. I say this because I spent a good part my twenties and part of my thirties as a single woman, and I wouldn't even consider spending two minutes with a man who would abandon his family and want to date so soon!

Let me rant for a little bit about these men (I had the misfortune of running into many), and how tiring and cliche their stories always are, how they portray themselves as "victims", how they paint this dark portrait of a wife who supposedly no longer cares for them, that she does not want intimacy. As a single woman, I knew of fellow singles who would take full advantage of the situation. It's a dirty competition thing that no one ever talks about, but it's there. Now, these women deserve the words you used-- and more.

Since you do live in a small town, it would be ridiculous that this new woman does not at least know of you. I don't care that she's 18; if she's old enough to date your X, she's old enough to know better.

Everyone gets wronged at some point or another, and everyone feels this need to lash out. We need to feel it and own it before we can move on to that peaceful state described in one post.

[TeaBag]

Vanessa. I totally, completely get the furious, out of control, want to totally lose it anger. To answer your original question, he started seeing her several months ago, but only within the last month, found the nuts to tell me about her. I too have called both of them not-so-respectful names, so I totally get that as well. In fact, my newest name for him is lying, cheating, stupid jackass bastard. My therapist tells me to allow the feelings to go...just feel whatever you are feeling at that moment. Find a healthy outlet, I've taken to beating the crap out of pillows. He has said that the more you experience the emotions now, the less you will hold on to them. And honestly, my father left my natural mother, and she is *still* a bitter, angry, vindictive woman; NOT what I want for the rest of my life. I am hurt, overwhelmed, angry, and terribly, terribly sad. I admit that. I also am considering sending his (" I sat here for several minutes trying to come up with a non-offensive name for her, but I just can't) "friend" an email. It would not be a hateful, angry email, but an honest expression of emotions. It will not change anything between them, but it will help me heal. There are some things I need to say; and even my therapist supports this idea.

Vanessa. I know how hurt and angry you are. Allow yourself to be angry. Anger can be a healthy emotion, just don't let the anger take over your life. I love you.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Originally Posted by Jster

FWIW, I waited, oh, 2 years or so before even thinking of dating. I had babies to birth and kids to care for...

:

[smeep]

My ex was whoring around looking for new girls since a couple months before he broke up (his new gf admitted this to me...while trying to tell me how great of a guy he is...?) As far as I know about a month after we broke up he slept with some girl and then about a month after that he started dating another girl who's as bad as he is. After I got my child support order she messaged me cussing me out and telling me how if it were a moral court I would be paying him. They so deserve each other. Oh, and the best part is from what I've been told she won't sleep with him so now he's stuck with a superbitch and not even getting any. But I haven't heard about jerkface, misses jerkface or any of his jerkface family or friends in a few months now so I don't know how many other girls he's slept around with since. haha

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Jster

FWIW, I waited, oh, 2 years or so before even thinking of dating. I had babies to birth and kids to care for...

It's been a little over a year now for me. I've become quite relationship-phobic since we broke up. lol

[a_work_in_progress]

It took my ex at least 8 months to find somebody else, but she turned out to be married. I was getting seriously worried about him before that, though. He was seriously depressed, and he wasn't practicing proper hygiene habits. As soon as he became interested in somebody he started taking care of himself again. I felt no anger towards him about dating again. I tried to trust his judgement. Unfortunately, his recent pick is a real "winner". :rollseyes I feel pity towards him because he's obviously so desperate for companionship, and somebody to take care of him, that he's not paying attention to who the person actually is. But I keep quiet, knowing in time it will fall apart. I hope his self esteem will improve in time, and I hope he meets somebody decent someday.

BTW, I left him 2 years ago, and he started dating his current girlfriend back in November/December.

[mama40]

Wow. Mamas, reading about your experiences, I'm realizing that the one favor stbx's mental illness has done me is to really reduce the impact of other women. I mean yes, I'm sure it'll be a blow, in a way, when the new gf arrives, but my main reaction to the whole idea is "I'm sorry for her and hope she's not vindictive-crazy, and that she's got really, really good birth control." I mean I hadn't had any kind of intimacy with stbx in over a year when he filed; when you're basically nursemaiding a guy who doesn't notice when he's a total loose cannon in your lives, and you dread the next crisis he'll unleash, sex isn't really high up there on the agenda anyway.

[chefpaige1]

I'm hoping my x hurries up and finds someone. He's graciously taken himself out of the kids' lives, we're all much happier now. I just hope the new woman is happiest with the kids out of his life and he doesn't use them (want to come around again) to manipulate her into thinking he's such a fantastic dad. Meanwhile, I'll be laughing that they're stuck with each other or glad that they make each other happy (or miserable!).

[butterfly1976]

The ex and me was separated for six months before we got divorced. Part of me thinks he was fooling around with or at least eyeballing the 15 yr old girl before I found out about it. He told me one day that the kids were getting "a new mom." He said they were getting married. Of course, I acted like it didn't bother me one bit. I got in the car and cried all the way home. I still remember that day. I told my dad about it. His words were something like, "I know it hurts you, but you deserve better than him." I told mom about it and she blurted out, the girl is pregnant. And wouldn't you know it, she was right!

They had a son. The marriage fell apart less than a yr later. My kids would say that his young bride wasn't always nice. She always tried to get them to go into another room.

He ended up getting involved with an older woman who had been in jail for drugs and hot checks. She had 3 kids of her own that she wasn't even raising. She tried to get buddy-buddy with my daughter once on the phone. She told my daughter that once she got out they would go bowling and stuff. I told my daughter that you already have a MOTHER to do things with.

When he was about 28 or so (I think), he knocked up a 16 yr old girl. They had a girl. He doesn't acknowledge this child. Everyone knows it's his though. Both the 15 and 16 yr old girls dropped out of high school.

He recently got involved with a 19 yr old. He just turned 31 this month. The girl had a baby. His name is on the birth certificate. He says it isn't his. I really don't know cause I don't know when they got together. Him and his mom kicked the girl and the baby out just a couple of weeks ago.

So basically, my ex has slept with about everything in the trailer park. It makes me furious that he gets away with things like that. He doesn't pay child support on our 2 half the time. He's been in jail twice for nonpayment. I think I've seen it all. He's such a loser.

My kids very seldom see their dad. He lives about 15 mins away. They seen him the other day cause his grandparents came over. And I think it's been months since they've heard from him since then. Sad, but there's nothing I can do to make it better. So his g/f don't really affect them.

[BelovedK]

Hi

I just wanted to give a gentle reminder that namecalling is not ok on these boards. It is in violation of the UA:

Posting in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, namecalling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

I understand, and have felt the intense anger and rage associated with my X seeing someone else and felt like calling him, and the gf, names. I really do know what you mean, I just want to remind about the UA.


Kelly

[loved]

Mine someday X (will the divorce ever be final?!?) is seeing someone - I have learned about it just recently - a year after he filed. He is very secretive though and I think this woman was in his life during our marriage...who knows? who cares? I guess I do. It would explain a lot.

If not though, and this is a new thing then I'm not on this list of cheaters and lying husbands...still one year after filing, after a 12 year marraige - no divorce finalized...I don't know. It's not me. My heart's still grieving and it grieves me that his is not.

[fluffernutter]

I found out my ex was seeing someone a few weeks after we split. She was living with him within a month or two. I had a feeling they were together before we split, and he has pretty much confirmed that. Now they're talking about getting married.

I don't feel jealous at all. She's a nice girl and DD likes her. I'm so completey over the ex, that I really have no feelings about it. I'm just glad to be (semi) rid of him.

I do get a little upset thinking about them together before we were seperated. Like thinking about all the times he "went out of town", or "went out with friends". That makes me kinda sick. But not for long, because I remember how happy I am now.

[MaWhit]

To answer the OP, we've been split for over a year and a half and neither of us have dated or lost our "divorce viriginity". lol I'll be happy for him if he finds someone, I hope. We certainly don't want each other that way, and we're good friends, so as long as he's happy, I'll be happy for him.

[meemee]

mine asked for a divorce two weeks before dd was born, starting dating his gf when dd was 2 months old (as far as i know, may have been earlier). i found out 4 months later on valentines day actually, stayed together for another 12 months (mainly coz he asked for lots of time to move out) but didnt move in with gf. why? because too much responsibility. we've been separated today for almost 2 1/2 years.

though i wish today he would get himself a gf to move in with or be involved with someone else so he would stop harassing me so much.

he really wants me to date so he can stop feeling guilty (he pbly would have been really happy had i started dating the moment i had my dd) as one of his reason for leaving was i deserve someone better. i dated recently but decided too much trouble right now so am happily back in my hole still looking for some good friends but not a date.

[Bad Mama Jama]

I often prayed he'd find someone else...:

Then he could leave me the the h#ll alone....

Hang in there, mama. The feelings will pass. Just don't try to figure out how she or they measure up to you. You'll go crazy that way...

[nym]

That sucks Vanessa. I know that when we had our breakdown he was dating someone right away, and hiding it from me.

I know the small town you live in, I know the stigma of him dating some young thing there. If you ever need a babysitter, I can give you my sisters number!

[MissAbbyRosesMamma]

that just stinks! i dont think my x has but i know if he found someone so soon id be devastates-even tho i dont want him i dont want him to move on so fast! makes me fel like crap... and it TOTALLY is your concern given that you two have a child together and everything he does affects your child. i wish my x would see that..

[greenstone]

I got traded in for a better model, so he's still with her 6 months down the track.....and she's most welcome to him

But the funny thing is, he thinks we should still be the best of friends and confide in each other like nothings happened.....I must look like a glutton for punishment or something.....in his dreams thats going to happen!

[freewitheft]

You know, Vanessa, I look at it this way: The younger the rebound gf is, the more immature/emotionally stunted the X must be. He is likely looking for something "easy", someone who won't make him think. He can't handle an equal partner. Hopefully you will one day be able to move past the anger to where you can just feel sorry for him, when you think of him at all. People who go through life wanting nothing but fun and irresponsibility aren't usually all that happy, but keep thinking they will find it somehow. They aren't even aware of the kind of unfulfilling hell they're in.