Are you a playmate for your dc?

[crb]

I feel like I play quite a bit w/dd (4) - usually we are simultaneously playing some sort of fantasy/imaginary game while I do other housework, etc. and I play directly w/her as well. DD doesn't really relate to same-age peers yet and really doesn't seem to want to play w/peers - she likes to play w/me and likes to talk w/other adults.
I know many Continuum Concept people don't really approve of playing w/kids, and I do worry sometimes that this is hindering her from figuring out how to play w/age-mates. So do you act as playmate for your child or do they play on their own or w/peers?

Just editing - to clarify relating to same-age peers: dd will say "Come on let's climb up here and it will be a Rapunzel Tower and then Ms. K will be the witch and you can pretend to have the scissors . . . .blah blah blah" rather than just "let's slide, come on!"

[embers]

We play. He can't always have other kids to play with all day long every day - that just is not reasonable. Like your child, mine likes to engage adults with his conversational skills, and I have never discouraged this quality in him. But hey - don't play with your kid? Sounds screwie to me... My son feels close to me, enjoyed by me, like I am interested in his activities and learning, and has FUN when we play... and it makes the dull reality of dishes and laundry more interesting for both of us. Unless it conflicts with your personal feelings on learning or parenting, then I say PLAY AWAY! I don't think that we are harming our children by being playmates as well as mom and dads. It is unreasonable to expect to CONSTANTLY be in the position of play friend - but most kids that get enough play attention without worry over needing mom's attention learn intuativly to do alone focus play... and generally transition well enough to playing with other kids when they are around. Sure, that is a generalization, but unless your child is experiencing challanges that are affecting their abilities to be comfortable and enriched... or you, as a parent, are not happy about the level of interaction, then I say PLAY AND HAVE FUN! *shrug*

[LeftField]

Ok, I'll bite. I am not my children's playmate nor do I want to be. I do not judge people who do this. This is what makes sense for our family. While I am not a Continuum Concept person (I hated that book), I see some value in a modified system of benign neglect. I love to see the wacky things my kids come up with when left to their own devices (you should see what they can do with clothes hangers!). I should add that this is different when you have more than one child, however. My kids are each other's playmate. Another factor is personality. My oldest child is an introvert like me. I cannot tell if my youngest is introverted, but he does not crave playtime with other kids (so maybe yes?). He's very friendly with them and will ask them what their names are, etc, but he doesn't ask to go see other kids. So, there are lots of variables.

I always feel a bit guilty for saying this, but I don't enjoy playing most things. I enjoy speaking with my kids, doing art with them, taking them to fun places like the museum, reading to them and engaging them in those sorts of ways. But I do not want to play trucks or try to exist in their fantasy world. I will throw an imaginary rope to a child stuck in some imaginary predicament or I will talk to someone's imaginary friend or eat some imaginary blueberry sauce but I don't want to be *in* their game. Honestly, it would drive me nuts and I have other things I want to do.

Besides not wanting to play, I do worry that it takes away their self-motivation to entertain themselves. It's very important to me that they are able to solve their own boredom and stretch their brains to be creative. I'm not saying that other kids don't do that. I'm just saying that I believe the modified system of benign neglect encourages that, IMHO. Ds1 went through a brief but frustrating stage of wanting us to draw for him or tell him what to draw. That really bothered me. I want him to use his own imagination and not look to us to tell him how to perceive things. When he stopped that stage, he imagined and drew much more fanciful things than I could ever imagine.

I also don't see this as an issue of "my child is too sophisticated to play with age-mates". My oldest disliked age-mates for a long time, mostly because he was nervous around them. But he loved talking to adults and older children; he loved the discussion and the attention. But that never translated into him wanting me to be his playmate. When my second was born, they were inseparable from almost the start. When my youngest was able to sit and play, my oldest would play with him on the baby's level. When he became a mobile 1 year old, my oldest would seek him out to involve in his games; the youngest was basically recruited to be a play assistant. I have noticed that my oldest tries to engage other toddlers in this way. Even though they may have limited speech and be babylike, my oldest loves playing with them. So, while it's only anecdotal, my oldest seems to enjoy playing with those above and below his level of sophistication. With agemates, with whom he finally became comfortable and less timid around, he often becomes the leader by devising imaginary situations for them to deal with.

I think the desire for a parent to be a playmate must be rooted in many areas, such as birth order (maybe onlies are more like this?), personality, introversion vs extraversion, and family practices. It's not something we do, because I don't want to play a lot or be responsible for entertainment and because I don't think my kids really want me to be in whatever they're doing. If it's what works for someone else, then that's great. It's just not my style or theirs. We do have meaningful interaction in other ways, however.

[meemee]

maaaaaaaaan you guys have confused me!!! not quite sure what playing with your kids mean.

do i initiate a game. nope. but i join in with my dd when she wants me to join her. though i rarely sit down and do blocks or pipes or whatever. sometimes when i am not in a mood for her game i tell her why and ask her if we could do something different.

but most of the time we are on the couch talking or discussing things. we talk, talk, talk a lot.

hmmm what is the definition of play. for instance in the house my dd doesnt really play. she lives in her head playing imaginary games with no props.

sometimes we horse around. as a single parent who sees her father every other day i need to do some rough housing to get the energy out of her system. soemtimes she requests me to do something so i do it. like nursing her babies.

most of our games are my household chores she helps me with. but i cant imagine the last time when i sat down and actually played with her.

but we do take baths together in the morning - an hour to two long and eat breakfast in the bath and i guess we play together. but even then we are mostly doing science experiments and laughing our head off. is that play?

[boongirl]

As long as my child wants me to play with her, I will play with her. I let her take the lead and set the stage. I play whatever she likes. Sometimes, it involves being a character (like a car or stuffed animal) in an elaborate world she has created. Sometimes we have a picnic with fake food. Sometimes, I help build with legos and blocks (her requests, not my lead). I adore playing with her and cherish every moment of it and cannot fathom purposely not wanting to do it. But, as a teacher, I also played with my students (grades 1-5) in games that they started. There is nothing more satisfying, in my opinion, and more joyful than playing with a child. If I had more than one child, maybe they would play together more than with me. Don't know since I have but one.

[crb]

I think it is so interesting to see the levels of "play" that take place in different families. By "play" I am thinking of child-directed fantasy games, for example we often play take the role of characters and play out scenes or stories we have read (and then move into our own story). Usually, however, I have to be several characters and while I do like to play, I also like to be in the "real world" - just a mom talking to her dd - while dd would prefer that we (me) to be "in character" much of the time. Or, like now, I want to finish this email and dd wants me to play with some story cards, but she won't get started until I come - she is just sitting, complaining that I am taking too long
I do like to play, and dd is at a great age to play, but I also value independent play and play w/other kids. And I notice that dd "leans" on me a great deal when w/other children - will often "blow off" their play overtures and would rather play w/me. I even worried about having another child because dd is so adult/me focused - she has a lot of trouble w/younger kids. Fortunately, she gets along well w/her baby brother so far and I look forward to the two being able to play together - encouraging news about sibs playing together!
I read Playful Parenting and The Coninuum Concept at the same time, so I am floating between the two extremes and trying to wrap my brain around the two.

[embers]

Oooooh. Okay. I see...

Well, to clarify... I will absent-mindedly build blocks when I feel like it. Or otherwise enjoy some of my son's constructive toys. However, HE plays toys. I do not. I really have never conciously considered my "point of view" on it... these things were just intuative with our family. My son has a LOT of focused alone play throughout the day. He has a pot with beans and some tweasers and funnels. These things are kept within his reach, and he pulls them out to play, and then puts them back. The same is true for leggos, kennects, dominos, plastic snakes/spiders/etc, stuffed animals, and art supplies. We usually have some good music on, and he goes between his bedroom and the livingroom throughout the day from one set of toy-things to another. It never really accured to me to NEED to play these things with him - it would probably bug him if I tried.

We do play together, however. I may not be making voices for horses or speed cars down the track, but we do play roleplaying pretend. He sets up the scene (we are in space, we are puppies at a park, we are making fancy cakes, etc), and he pulls me into the pretend world - and I love it. It is amazing to me what he comes up with, how he likes to involve me, and it is a great gateway to learning when he asks specific questions or requests suggestions. I would never WANT to withhold this type of play *shrug*... perhaps there is a difference in that he is an only child, as well. Like one of the above posters, my son likes to socialize with other children, and play things with them (lets slide... lets chase, etc)... but does not really play WITH them. Then again, he is just 3 and a half, and I realize that style of play will change as he grows and changes.

Cool topic - it has made me think about things I otherwise had not!!!

[QDB]

This is a topic that I am so interested in.

My 3 yo ds is an only and has up until the last few months only wanted to play with adults. he has just recently started to want to play with the little boy across the street altho they don't really play together. They sorta play independently in the same room. Or rather ds suggests they play things and the little boy plays on his own.

He is capable of playing by himself and does so if he has had enough of mama included playtime but he really thrives on imaginary play with me or dh.

usually he starts something and then invites us in - like last night he was wrapping this rubber band around the dresser knobs and calling it a guitar and then later on he had wrapped several and was using it to type words and makes certain books or toys appear - (we do a lot of our shopping online so i think that was what was going on!)

i was invited to type as was dh but he was in charge of the play. this is pretty typical.

the more I play with him the more centered he is and the more independently he is able to play.

But there is only a brief time of the day when I can "do my own thing" he needs me in there bearing witness to his play whether or not I am included. I have often wondered if this is all right/normal...he says he gets lonely otherwise. he most likely needs a lot of verbal validation like me.

so i am not sure if that kind of watching over him and commenting is really being a playmate - more of a commentator perhaps.

My mom and dad always played with me - and I feel honored to be included in ds's play since it is so rich and detailed. Plus, i figure he will be grown up and think I am a big dork soon enough so...

again this is a fascinating topic and so dependent upon temperments, developmental stages and such...

[Dechen]

I am my daughter's playmate. Not 24/7, but definately every day for some period of time. Sometimes I have fun, sometimes it is mind-numbingly boring for me, but she adores it when I agree to join her fantasy play. I let her direct the play, though I will suggest new themes or ideas and see if she goes with it.

Dd is an only child, and very social. She gets alone time, but she really needs to play with others too. She has friends, but they are all a car drive away and unless we make specific plans it is dd and I hanging out.

[Dechen]

I am my daughter's playmate. Not 24/7, but definately every day for some period of time. Sometimes I have fun, sometimes it is mind-numbingly boring for me, but she adores it when I agree to join her fantasy play. I let her direct the play, though I will suggest new themes or ideas and see if she goes with it.

Dd is an only child, and very social. She gets alone time, but she really needs to play with others too. She has friends, but they are all a car drive away and unless we make specific plans it is dd and I hanging out.

[eilonwy]

Sometimes I play with my kids, but usually they play with each other. I do not go out of my way to entertain them, I just make sure that they have entertainment handy. I don't think of myself as their playmate, I think of myself as a parent who likes to be involved, even if peripherally, in what my kids are doing.

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by eilonwy

Sometimes I play with my kids, but usually they play with each other. I do not go out of my way to entertain them, I just make sure that they have entertainment handy. I don't think of myself as their playmate, I think of myself as a parent who likes to be involved, even if peripherally, in what my kids are doing.

Yes, this is me. I'm usually peripherally involved. Sometimes, I'm at the computer and I see them rush by with an armful of odd stuff like a Viking hat, a funnel, space boots, some paper, a pot lid and a plastic frog. Or they may announce that they're making a museum and I might visit it later. But in the first scenario, I have no clue what they're doing. I think I shocked my mother earlier this week by saying that I'm not sure what the kids do for a big chunk of the day. They are very busy people. I really think a lot has to do with the presence or lack of siblings, no better or worse.

[eilonwy]

Originally Posted by LeftField

Sometimes, I'm at the computer and I see them rush by with an armful of odd stuff like a Viking hat, a funnel, space boots, some paper, a pot lid and a plastic frog.

: I can totally see my kids doing that.

Yeah, I eat the imaginary cake and drink the invisible tea, but for the most part I let them do what they're doing.