The unkindest cut

[Very Snoofly]

I'm relatively new here...meaning that I've read bunches of posts but don't often chime in. I've loved reading all the Working Mamas threads...it's nice hearing of other women who are going through the same conflicts/problems/joys/etc that I am!

There's something that's been on my mind lately and I've hesitated to post about it, because I don't intend it to start a debate about the merits of staying at home/working outside the home, and I'm afraid that it has the potential to become that. But, with that disclaimer attached, here goes:

I can't tell you how much it bothers me to read comments like this (and these are just random examples, I don't remember who wrote them or where): "I chose to quit my job and stay at home because I want to raise my children." Or: "I didn't want to go to work and pay someone else for the privilege of raising my children." Or: "I am fortunate that I am able to stay at home and raise my children myself."

Do these words bother any other WOHM's? Do they seem to imply to you, as they do to me, that mothers who work outside the home are NOT raising their children? That's what I infer (rightly or wrongly, I know). And I just want to scream! I want to explain that, even though I am away from her 37 hours a week, I am still the one raising my daughter! (Well, and my husband too, of course.) I nurse her, I sleep with her, I bathe her; I choose her toys and books and clothes. I get up in the middle of the night when she's sick or hungry or teething. And as far as those 37 hours per week that I'm apart from her--well, I'm not there, but I chose the people with whom she stays, with her best interests in mind. I'm not there for every nap, but I make sure that her care providers put her to sleep gently (rocking, singing, a bottle if she wants it). I'm not there for every meal, but I monitor what she's fed (difficult when one of her babysitters is my mother-in-law who thinks that Jell-o is a the ultimate healthy treat!). I dictate how much TV she gets, how she is disciplined, what toys and activites are appropriate. Certainly her care providers are going to have an influence on how she grows up, but they're not raising her for me--they're tending to her needs, in a manner approved by me, when I can't be there for her.

I feel very strongly about this (obviously)! But I've never responded to one of those comments with the above diatribe, because I'm terribly afraid that I'll just sound defensive. And if I sound defensive, I'll get the old spiel about how defensiveness=guilt=knowing that I'm doing something harmful to my child. (You know, the arguments that circle round and round the breast/bottle, cloth/disposable, co-sleeping/crib debates). And it'll just descend into bickering about semantics, and no one's mind will be changed.

But the truth is, even if I do feel guilty about having to work (and yes, I do feel guilty, and I do HAVE to work), that still doesn't mean that I'm not the one raising my child!

I try to let these comments just roll off my back...but it's hard. And it hurts. Because I hate feeling that anyone else thinks that I'm shortchanging my daughter.

Am I being oversensitive? This ever bother any other working moms?

[SoHappy]

I think you should take their words at face value and not try to see them as a reflection or judgement of you. Sometimes people choose imprecise wording without intending to offend -- they just don't know how to accurately say what they mean.

[Lucky Charm]

No, it doesnt bother me. at all.

I am comfortable with myself, my choices and my kids are absolutely yummy!

I should say that it depends on how its said. Its not what you say, but how you say it., kwim?

[wolfmom]

dear kristaciel - I think I understand where you are comming from but I really doubt these other people mean it in the way you are receiving it. I think they are making a statement about their personal beliefs and situations. I too work out of the home some hours every week and I know that it is the best for my family. Please try not to take offense. Most of the people here know that you do what is best for your family.
peace and health,
wolfmom

[vesta]

I WOHM but less than 20 hours/week. I personally would not feel good about being gone from my kids 40 hours/week, but that is me. I don't think moms who work 40 hours/week are bad moms. I only know what works for me.

Even though I would not like being a FT WOHM, I would not criticize someone else for doing it. By the same token, I expect other people to respect my parenting choice to work PT and not call me unfeminist, over-protective, or lazy for not doing so. Believe me, there are plenty of people out there who think SAHM's are lousy parents for not contributing financially to their families. You can't win for losing if you always take other people's opinions to heart.

As far as guilt, it doesn't matter if you're a SAHM or a WOHM. Guilt is part of the job description of being a mother!

[asherah]

Well, it does bother ME.

There's a difference in saying "this is what works for me, because..."
and saying things that criticize others by implication.

Yes, maybe it is sometimes a matter of choosing the wrong words.. but other times I think the "mommy wars" are rearing their ugly ugly heads.

I think all women are hurt when we point fingers at each other like that. We all lose. We should be working together to give women a range of good choices and support, not taking shots at each other.

Unfortunately some women on both sides are so self-righteous and/or insecure, they persist in undermining their sisters. And yes, it bothers me.

[Very Snoofly]

I'm getting a range of reactions, and thinking that perhaps I am overreacting a little bit...but Vesta and asherah, that's what I was getting at...that there is an implied criticism in that particular choice of words. And it's not so much that I feel judged (because after all I don't know these people), but that I don't like it when mothers judge other mothers for their choices (as long as those choices don't include neglect or abuse, obviously).

That said, my sensitivity could stem from the fact that, right after I went back to work, an acquaintance said to my best friend, "Well, it's just too bad that Krista won't be the one raising Mallory." And, since this person happens to be pretty nasty and vindictive, I know that she did mean it "that way." It really hurt (mostly because I had just started back to work, and was upset and emotional anyway), and I remember it every time I see another person using that same phrase.

On the other hand, I am confident that I am doing my best for my family, and I have an adorable, happy, bright little girl. At the end of the day, that's all that matters.

[owen&mama]

Originally posted by asherah
Well, it does bother ME.

...Unfortunately some women on both sides are so self-righteous and/or insecure, they persist in undermining their sisters. And yes, it bothers me.

Just had to chime in to say...AMEN.

I agree that much of what is "said" is just a poor choice of words, and it's especially difficult to derive context from the written word. But, I have read certain comments, like those mentioned, and I have to agree that there is often obvious slamming going on (from both sides).

I am comfortable in my choices for my family, and I wish for everyone else that they would be comfortable enough not to feel the need to make hurtful (passive-aggressive or not) comments. Does my being comfortable mean that the guilt isn't there? Of course not. As someone said, that's part of being a mother. And that guilt is what allows me to be hurt by the comments. I've gotten better at ignoring them though. I'm hard enough on myself, to be quite honest!

With respect to those specific types of comments, some wise one of us posted a few weeks back on another thread that she embraced day care for her child as a way to experience another caregiver's influence, that she could not presume to be the be-all-end-all for her child. I paraphrase here, but it really reinforced my own perception of parenting and the need for an extended family in the raising of a child. I don't post this to defend my choice, but only to give another perspective to the issue.

Thanks for this post.

[delighted.mama]

I hear you Krista (and the others who it bothers)!

But, I also think that sometimes people choose the wrong words. Writing it down also gives it a different spin than if you heard it said to your face. Nonetheless, because this is a very AP society and very child-oriented, I tend to agree with you that it implies criticism. That somehow I am less than a good mom because I WOH. It just sounds a little sanctimonious to me when I hear (or read) things like that.

I do think, however, that sometimes WOHM can get a little sensitive about it (at least that has been my experience) because of the guilt-factor. Well, maybe not everyone, but I am making a very general statemnt here. Because of the guilt associated with being away from your baby (whether out of choice or necessity) it tends to color the way we take other people's comments. : That's what I try to tell myself when I hear/read things like that. Am I reacting to the statement, or am I reacting to my own feelings? Anyway, that is my 2 cents! :


Libby
-mama to a little bobka and *hopefully* soon-to-be a part-time WOH

[hulamama]

Originally posted by owen&mama
Just had to chime in to say...AMEN.

I agree that much of what is "said" is just a poor choice of words, and it's especially difficult to derive context from the written word. But, I have read certain comments, like those mentioned, and I have to agree that there is often obvious slamming going on (from both sides).

I am comfortable in my choices for my family, and I wish for everyone else that they would be comfortable enough not to feel the need to make hurtful (passive-aggressive or not) comments. Does my being comfortable mean that the guilt isn't there? Of course not. As someone said, that's part of being a mother. And that guilt is what allows me to be hurt by the comments. I've gotten better at ignoring them though. I'm hard enough on myself, to be quite honest!

With respect to those specific types of comments, some wise one of us posted a few weeks back on another thread that she embraced day care for her child as a way to experience another caregiver's influence, that she could not presume to be the be-all-end-all for her child. I paraphrase here, but it really reinforced my own perception of parenting and the need for an extended family in the raising of a child. I don't post this to defend my choice, but only to give another perspective to the issue.

Thanks for this post.

AAAAAAAmen.....I do think that sometimes am just being sensitive, and many other times I am definitely picking up on a statement that is meant to imply they are better than others.

I don't have the time to be as eloquent as I would like to be in my response...but please know that you are not alone. I fell this way so many times, which makes it quite hard to feel at home in online parenting communities as they are often filled with SAHMs who say many hurtful things. (One of the reasons I love this board so much--I feel like you all know the "troubles I've seen. " )

[sohj]

Gotta jump in too

I also don't like those phrases and I don't think one is "too sensitive" if one is bothered by them. I dislike seeing someone trying to make me (or anyone else) feel guilty or small or trying to make themselves bigger. I don't feel guilty or small, but what bothers me about these statements is that I think it means that the person who is saying it hasn't really thought it through and that they, however unconsciously, feel insecure and need to bolster their sagging esteem by cutting into someone else. As someone who had a very difficult (and, I realized late into adulthood, abusive) relationship with my mother because she had woefully low self-esteem, the little watchperson in my head sends off a tornado siren and I then feel I have to watch myself around people like that because they look for injuries. I think I am very protective and kind, but I can, like any other human on the face of the earth, make stupid blunders and have found that the more aggressively insecure a person is, the harder it is to apologize to them .

This is getting really scrambled. : Lemme see if I can make it make more sense.

Maybe an example: A woman at my office said, when I was telling some people how thrilled I was with the nanny we have and how much Sam adores her, "Oh, how terrible, now he won't love you as much." I was rather shocked by such a statement and replied "As far as I know, there is no limit to the love in the world, and I know my son can love more than one person." I felt really sad for that woman. What a sad idea to hold.

Does that make it any clearer? Probably not. Well, I obviously should get home and rest!!!

[kama'aina mama]

These are some really great points. While it is probably true that most of the time comments like that are made it is not meant to insult anyone if it does hurt someone attention must be paid to that. People need to know if they are saying inappropriate things and I believe you owe it friends to let them know. I want to thank you Krista for bringing this up in such a calm and gentle way.

[singermom]

For me, a lot of how I react to something someone says depends on the day. If I am feeling emotionally healthy enough, I can usually see where people are coming from with their comments, as insensitive as they might be. But give me a day when I've not gotten enough sleep, or there's too much going on, or you name it, and I will lose it if someone looks sideways at me!

I do have to say, though, that I fall into the camp of "yes, those comments bother me." We're all on the same team, after all--just trying to do what is right for our families. And no, that is not going to be the same for everyone, but it doesn't give anyone else the right to judge.

Keep up the good work, mamas (all of it!).

Mia

[Lucky Charm]

feel insecure and need to bolster their sagging esteem by cutting into someone else.

So very true....and sad. I feel bad for them.

[LiamnEmma]

Yes and No. It all depends on the messenger, the tone and the implied message...so I agree with you and see exactly what you mean and it's one of the reasons I primarily check in on this board particularly, although I mostly hit the *view new posts* button. On the other hand, when I went back to work after ds was born, I did feel as if someone else was raising my son. I think that had to do with hormones, lack of sleep, insecurity about being a first time mom, any other number of things, but it killed me to work 5 days/wk, 197 days/yr (and boy am I lucky I don't work summers or Christmas time, or Easter, or whatever other day I get off) away from him. So after that year I cut out a day and took a pay cut, and it was the best decision I could have made for us. Now I work 158 days/yr, meaning I'm not working more often than I am working, and I feel more balanced. But I agree with you. You are still raising Mallory. Nobody else. You are the one she calls out to at night, in sorrow, in joy, in excitement, anticipation, and that means that you are her primary caregiver.

The mommy wars are ugly. Just recently I was subjected to some of what I felt were pre-emptive strikes against me by a (very insecure, imo) SAHM during my monthly book club meeting. I got the feeling she was dissatisfied with her life in general (not that I believe all SAHM's feel this way, on the contrary, and for the record, I would indeed prefer to SAH with my kids) and thus wanted me to feel crappy about mine too. It was her first visit to the meeting, but she and two other women (also new) were so nasty in general and in particular to me, that I didn't go back the following month, and I don't think I'll go back next month either. I'm completely uninterested in going back to that high school scene and subjecting myself to people who want me to feel like sh&t so that they can feel better about themselves, kwim? It's sad, because I was LOVING the book club, I'd joined about 6 months earlier, but I'm worth more than their meanness.

Hang in there. We know you're raising your child.

[buttercup]

It is their viewpoint, not yours. Why worry about what someone else thinks. Every mother does what she thinks is best to raise her baby. If that means she has to work to provide clothes, food and shelter for her baby, then so be it. You should be proud of the fact that you are doing what you are doing because not all women can do it.

And if you encounter some of these narrow minded mothers who treat you terribly because you are a working mama, just brush it off and don't discuss it w/ them. Personally (hopefully I won't get attacked), I think any mother (whether SAHM or working mama) who criticizes another mother about her parenting choices is insecure about their parenting choices/ skills.

Jenni

[CosmicMama]

THanks everyone for some excellent points. I fall into the camp where the comments bother me a little but I don't need much help in feeling guilty because it is something I have enough of anyway.

Just wanted to add to sohj what a horrible comment by that coworker. I would feel sorry for that woman too- what a nasty, sad person! You gave a great reply though.

[kwl718]

I'll admit that those types of comments do bother me...there is no way around the implied criticism, intended or not.

I suspect that many SAHMs feel that they have to justify their choice as much as WOHMs do. There is the stereotype of bonbons and soap operas to contend with! Unfortunately some of the canned justifications involve implied comparisons like this.

[shelbean91]

I was WOHM after my dd and SAHM after my ds. When I was WOHM, I was so incredibly jealous of those who were able to stay home. I didn't feel like I wasn't raising my dd, and she was with a wonderful caregiver (my MIL), but I still wanted to be home. We weren't paying MIL for the daycare, so couldn't justify losing my income. After ds was born, we would have had to put them both in daycare and that would have eaten up most of my check. Now, we could make that justification.

I know that not everyone is able to make the choice to be a SAHM, and not everyone wants to. Some women have a great career that they love, and that is wonderful. My job was just a job. I enjoyed my coworkers and still see them occasionally, but it was just a job. I didn't love it, I didn't spend years of schooling to know how to do it, it was a way to pay the bills.

Staying home is much harder for me than it was going out to work. I'm always ON, never get a break, but overall, I consider myself very fortunate to be able to stay home. I would never say to someone 'oh, you're so unlucky that you have to work' , but I would say 'I'm very fortunate I'm able to stay home'. Not because I feel better or superior than the working mom, but that's truly the way I feel. If you need or want to work, that's wonderful and you are taking care of your family in the best way possible.

I never felt like a bad mom when I was WOHM and I would hope and wish that none of the mommas who are currently WOHM would be made to feel bad about their choices or situations.

You're doing a great job as a mom and raising your children and doing what is best for them. Good job and try to not let the comments get to you.

[CollegeMama]

Originally posted by asherah
Yes, maybe it is sometimes a matter of choosing the wrong words.. but other times I think the "mommy wars" are rearing their ugly ugly heads.

I think all women are hurt when we point fingers at each other like that. We all lose. We should be working together to give women a range of good choices and support, not taking shots at each other.

Unfortunately some women on both sides are so self-righteous and/or insecure, they persist in undermining their sisters. And yes, it bothers me.

Amen sister. Imagine how powerful a force women could be if we only joined together instead of picking each other apart!