The unkindest cut - Page 4

[asherah]

Well, sometimes I feel like people think its ok for me to work as long as I am not "materialistic"... like as long as I don't spend any of the money on anything but my child and our basic needs.. its ok.

Some people.. not just SAHMS of course.. are very quick to judge others as "materialistic".. and talk about how virtuous they are in comparison.

Now, I am very aware of my own privilege. I am very lucky to have an education, job skills and advantages that others don't have. I am lucky not to have to overcome the barriers others have to fight so hard to overcome.

I am also very respectful of those who do make incredible sacrifices to SAHM..

BUT sometimes I do get very sick and tired of the judgements.. like there is something so awful about wanting nice things.

Now, if they are your only joy/motivation in life.. or if you pursue them mindlessly just for the sake of having them.. or if you put them ahead of people.. well you may have some things to work on.

But enjoying a binge at the mall every now and then doesn't make someone a mindless, materialistic Stepford wife who's putting things ahead of her child... and working for "the wrong reasons."

And yes, I do feel people can be really harsh if a WOHM dares to enjoy her job.. and the proceeds of it.. and isn't constantly guilt-stricken.

I DO feel guilt. I DO sometimes wonder if I'm making the right choices. I DO struggle with balancing everything and trying to keep my priorities straight.

I also like to buy nice things sometimes with my very hard-earned money.

And I also feel proud I can support my family... while acknowleging I am privileged to be able to do so.


That isn't a slam at SAHMS or anyone else. I admire and support SAHMS and I want to see them get health benefits and retirement and everything else they deserve.

Its just that I'm doing the best I can, too.

[glh]

No apologies necessary, maybe this is just a mom problem, that we all feel like no matter what our situation that we have to put ourselves last. I've done that when I was a sahm and a wohm. I've seen it expressed on other threads that that is what we should do no matter what. I don't agee with that either, but it is hard as mothers to know when to give ourselves a break. I've said it before in other threads but here goes; the mommy wars are getting so old. Every family is different and I don't believe there is one right way to raise children. I also have to agree with the original point of this thread; when I was a wohm it killed me to hear that phrase about "raising them myself". I knew how much I loved, thought about and cared for my kids and working or not that didn't change.

I've known as many materialistic sahms as I have materialistic wohms, but I don't think doing something for yourself or buying nice things for your kids is wrong. It only bugs me when people hold it against you if you don't have as much "stuff" as they do.

[sohj]

Mommy Wars? Phooey!

It really pisses me off when the easily amused BIG MEDIA CONGLOMERATES put a lazy reporter on a "lifestyle" (Oh? And who's YOUR lifestylist?) article on this really, really stupid SAHM vs. WOHM debate. In fact, there's no debate to me. Do you have a child? Are you female? Yes to both and, hey, you are a mother. Do you work from can see to can't for a) no money or b) a few hours for money, the rest for no money. If it is yes to 'a', then you are a SAHM, if 'b' then you are a WOHM. If you do no work whatsoever, then you are dead...or Ivana Trump or Kathie Lee Gifford.

The problem comes when people who are just downright nasty and nosy and insecure look for some new way to be insulting and to tell someone else how to live their lives. Then, they'll use anything.

And lazy so-called reporters (who bear absolutely NO resemblance to Nelly Bly or Jesse Tarbox Beals or Edgar R. Murrow or even Hunter S. Thompson) are the worst perpetrators of this S**T that is meant to keep us AFRAID. Afraid that we aren't doing enough, that we're doing too much, that we are failing for success, that we're succeeding in the wrong way, that we think we're ahead and that in fact our children will grow up to be son of sam if we stay at home all the time, or if we don't. Or if we are vegan, or vegetarian, or omnivorous, or whatever.

They change their topics with the deadlines and expect everyone to just ignore the fact that contradictions have been made left, right, and center.

And the "we" I used above is for everyone, mothers, fathers, whatever. And no distinction is made for working or not working.

[asherah]

um.. well.. considering I'm a journalist for a large television network...

I guess this is all my fault.
Here's where I leave the discussion.

[sohj]

asherah, don't leave.

Please note that I didn't use the word "journalist" in the above rant/post. I used "reporter" and the adjective "lazy". The two words are not permanently together, just then for my point...like when I complain about engineers who do poor designs that cannot be constructed safely I refer to them as "incompetent engineers". :

[Lucky Charm]

asherah...please come back! dont let one voice do this!!

i'm a news junkie

[EFmom]

I hate those comments, too. They are bad from strangers and worse from family. My sister nearly always manages to get in little digs about her moral superiority for being a SAHM every time we speak. So, I really never call her anymore.

Frankly, I think the speakers mean for the comments to hurt. Since I'm not playing that game, I ignore them.

[Alstrameria]

T

Well, it's wacky up here too. Maybe we have OHIP but we have a lot of fraud. We also pay a lot of tax to support our social programs. Which I don't mind, mostly. The thing that gets me is that I get $25 a month in CTB for one child. A friend of mine gets $650 for two children. Why? She sahms and her dh doesn't make, well, much I guess.

How is this fair? Or maybe not fair since that sounds like whining, but how is this my compensation for making good money and paying lots of it in taxes to support the community? How is it supposed to even out? How is that I'm *not* supposed to be resentful? I find it difficult to feel like a peer with most sahms because of this, so maybe the "system" is my issue...

Really, if all they can afford for me is $25 I'm putting in too much, that is a crappy return on my investment.

Jen

Edited to say I'm in Ontario Canada.

[Hannah's Mom]

Frankly, I think the speakers mean for the comments to hurt. Since I'm not playing that game, I ignore them.

EFmom - I agree with you. I also think the speakers mean for the comments to hurt.

I also relate to the women who posted that, no matter how they budgeted, they wouldn't be able to stay home. I have a lot of student loan debt that must be paid. Furthermore, I enjoy owning our own (teeny) home and a few luxuries. Right now, my husband stays home with dd and works on the weekend (all weekend) while I'm home. We get very little time together and this is not a permanent solution. DH will be returning to work FT after dd is one or so. I don't think this makes me us bad parents (or more realistically, me a bad mom, since THE MOM is always the subject of these comments).

[Alstrameria]

Hannah's Mom that's an interesting point. Sometimes dh says "I'd like to stay home with her all day!" when we're talking about part-time or sahm for me, but I find I'm taken by surprise!

I hope I didn't sound to bitter above. I'm really not. There's a lot more to WOH than money!!

Jen

[Lucky Charm]

My sister nearly always manages to get in little digs about her moral superiority for being a SAHM every time we speak. So, I really never call her anymore.

I hear ya. my sister in law, 9 houses away does the exact same thing. as an added bonus, she makes sure she says how much she hates nurses (i am an ER nurse) :

i havent spoke to her in over 6 months. and you know what, i dont miss her. it sounds awful, but i never realized how stressful it was to have a "relationship" with her.

[gurumama]

So what it all comes down to is choice.

Feminism was about choice--being able to do something other than being a SAHM.

That word--CHOICE--should mean being able to select one of many options.

I've been a WAHM (3 years) and a SAHM (1 year, so far), and might soon be a WAHM/WOHM (residence life position with on campus office hours away from the kids) BY CHOICE--not financial necessity.

I know plenty of SAHMs who talk the talk but when push comes to shove, ignore their kids, use the t.v. too much, or become so wrapped up in volunteer work that they might as well stop calling themselves stay-at-home moms because they're gone (or dragging the kids to boring stuff) so much.

It's not about the LABEL. It's about how you treat your kids when you're with them.