Problem with 10yr help please!

[daileyjoy]

Our biggest problem is her hygine. Not only is she always dirty and sometimes smelly but she acts gross too. She hates to shower and when she does I have to recheck or she will not wash well. Her clothes are always sloppy and sometimes drug out from under her bed. She never brushes her teeth or her long hair till I've asked at least 5 times and I'm about to blow! She is a tomboy and dh and I have never tried to change who she is but if I ask her to dress nicer because were going somewhere or have company she complains and then takes forever to do a half-a** job. I have always allowed her to choose her own clothes as long as they are decent and never pushed her to be girly or dainty but now she is almost 11 and I am beginning to wonder if she will ever care. She acts like I'm being unfair when I ask her too look in the mirror to adjust her clothes, zip her zipper and brush her hair. I don't know what to do other than just keep on as I am but it's not getting us anywhere that I can see except angry at one another. I can't let her just go on being gross like farting out loud looking like a slob. I'm beginning to be grossed out by her and sometimes even avoiding her because she smells or has bad breath or her hands stink: I need some advice on how to get her to care about her appearence and hygine. I dont care if she dresses up or wears stylish clothes just as long as she looks and smells nice. PLease help, I'm at my wits end.

Jennifer

[vamp127]

No advice here, but I'm curious as what others will say! My almost 9yo DD is the same way except she is not a tomboy--she is super fashion conscious (don't know where she gets that from) but has no hygiene skills at all no matter how hard we try.

[kat85]

Dont know what to say about that too much either, but have you ask her have she smell herself and does she care if she a least look decent to herself and others. I remember I had a hygiene problem but once my aunt called it to my attention, I took care of it. It was so embrassing. Because if she attend school or have any friends they going start talking about her and that going to really hurt.

[oldcrunchymom]

Well, I was a tomboy but didn't have a "hygiene problem." I don't see what one has to do with the other.

I would just be straight with her and tell her that she needs to brush her teeth and wash if she wants to smell good, and that right now she doesn't smell good. If you haven't tried that already. As for the clothes, she should be putting them in the laundry, not under her bed... perhaps make throwing clothes in the laundry basket a part of her nightly routine? My 10yo is not the best at putting his laundry in the basket either, so I have to remind him.

[Marsupialmom]

For teeth brushing........"Lets go brush our teeth" do it together with a timer in the bathroom. Do It together. Model this behavior.

As for BO make sure that the knows to wash top to bottom. Also make sure there isn't another underlaying condition. Bad body oder can be cause by yeast. Make sure she is using deodrant properly. She might not be applying it right.

[milkymama06]

I would have her pick up her room before she goes to bed at night. I agree with modeling the behavior too for teeth brushing. You can also brush your hair afterward too! As for th showers, does she have her own products? Take her with you when you go shopping and let her pick out some soaps. Show her the fun in being a girl. I was a tomboy, but loves my "smell good" products!
Good luck!

[Roar]

You need to choose your battle here. Cleanliness matters, fashion and looking girly don't. As far as hygeine I think you need to just make clear rules about it how often she needs to shower, wash clothes, wash hands and then follow through with making sure she does what she needs to.

I think you need to 100% back off the concern about being stylish or girly because that may push her to be dirty as a response.

[Pandora114]

About the hair brushing.

Ask her strait up if she likes having long hair or not. at 10 she is fully capable of deciding weather she wants it chopped off or not.

It'll mean less maintanence on her end that's for sure, and one less battle for you.

Some tomboys want short hair due to less maintanence factor. She can hop in the shower, wash and get out in under 5 minutes and still be squeeky clean without having to worry. And if you get a cute cut that's short enough you dont have to worry about brushing because the whole bed-head look of short hair is acceptable.

[daileyjoy]

I may have mistyped or something but I have never pushed her to be stylish or girly because I am not. She is a tomboy and I allow her to be herself in all ways but this one. She loves her long hair and refuses to cut it but for some reason she thinks being stylish/girly is the same as being clean and that I cant figure out because her dad and I are very simple, down to earth people with little care for trends and styles. I think I may just have to keep reminding her 1,000 a day if needed and if she gets upset because I'm treating her like a baby maybe she will do it own her own. I may also take her shopping for shampoo and conditioner she likes and as much as I hate hand sanatizer, I may just have to get some for her.

Jennifer

[Marsupialmom]

How many times a day are you asking her to brush her hair? Any more than twice a day is being nit picky. Like other people said model the behavior. Brush and comb your hair together. Try different brushes for her hair. You can also throw in deodorant in your modeling morning routine.

As for adjusting her clothes let it go as long as the zipper is up and nothing is exposed. She will care adventually. I bet you are saying straiten your pants/adjust your clothes a lot more than you realize.

She is getting old enough that if she isn't neat and smell free that you can tell her she will have to stay home or go......

Also giving comands and making her not have a choice might be more helpful. You want her to look nicer when you do special things but you are letting her choice then criticizing her choice. She might not care because she doesn't feel that you will be happy with her choice, she might have just given up. Find her outfits for the special occassion and/or help her be a part of the choice process. Get a pair of pants then let her pick between two choices of shirts. Do this when you buy clothes. Some people can't match clothes that well.

[robin4kids]

DH is 6th grade teacher and...

At least four tims a year he has to give the "shower demonstration". What is this you ask? Well there are always quite a few VERY smelly children in his class so when he gets just too tired of all the, well stink, he does a demonstration on how to properly wash in a shower. He makes the kids giggle, as they watch him scrub with an eraser in hand.

So I guess I am saying, you are not alone. In our house it is just what you do before bed. Sometimes my 8 year old will throw a fit, but he still takes a shower.

[mazajo]

I think this is fairly common. My DSs 12 & 14 have been terrible about hygiene since they were like 2. They cry and beg and procrastinate (But Mooooom, I just brushed my teeth yesterday!!) And just recently my DS11 and DSD7 have been starting to act the same way. I've talked to them about the natural consequences of poor hygiene- cavities, body odor, ect- doesn't seem to help. Letting them choose their own products helps a tiny bit. Mostly I just stay firm, hygiene is non negotiable in our house.

As far as girls and long hair, I'm all for take care of it or cut it off. DH is very against cutting DSD's hair, but its long and curly and always looks so tangly and messy, and she either can't or won't brush it herself and has a huge fit when we try to it.

I've heard everything changes once they become interested in the opposite sex, though!

[Roar]

Originally Posted by daileyjoy

I may have mistyped or something but I have never pushed her to be stylish or girly because I am not. She is a tomboy and I allow her to be herself in all ways but this one. She loves her long hair and refuses to cut it but for some reason she thinks being stylish/girly is the same as being clean and that I cant figure out because her dad and I are very simple, down to earth people with little care for trends and styles. I think I may just have to keep reminding her 1,000 a day if needed and if she gets upset because I'm treating her like a baby maybe she will do it own her own. I may also take her shopping for shampoo and conditioner she likes and as much as I hate hand sanatizer, I may just have to get some for her.

Jennifer

I can only tell you my reaction as someone who sounds like she was a lot like your daughter at 10. In your original post you made references to wanting her to look nice, to dress nicer for company, to beginning to wonder if she'll ever care, etc. These may be perfectly reasonable things to want but if your daugther is already invested in being a tom boy these may cause a lot of unecessary conflict. Whenever you speak to her I'd put the emphasis on hygiene and not appearance. Even if you aren't saying "be girly" she's getting that pressure from all around her and it may be making her really uncomfortable so she needs to understand she can totally be what she wants to be, but being clean is non negotiable.

My approach would be to implement a routine that indicates how frequently she needs to shower, change clothes and brush hair. If you are asking her five times what you are doing isn't working.

It needs to be just a part of the routine - before we leave the house hair is brushed or after breakfast teeth and hair are brushed and hands are washed. She can help design the routine, but once it is routine it isn't negotiable and you need to take yourself out of the position of nagging her and asking five times. Make it clear you know she doesn't like to be nagged or treated like a baby but the way to stop that is to take responsibility for it.

My 10 year old son doesn't care about hygeine either and this is exactly what we've done and it works well. He knows he is required to brush teeth, comb hair and wash hands after breakfast. He knows he is required to shower every other day, etc.

And, I strongly agree about the short hair suggestion. I'd suggest it to her for sure. Personally my hair is short and after brushing it when I get out of the shower I never touch it again.

[Anka]

Long hair can acctually be LESS maintanence then short. I mean, with a short hair you generally need a syling product to make it look nice.

Teach her to put her hair up. Braids or buns are perfect. Not only will they keep her hair from tangling, but they can be slept on fairly comfortably, and keeps the hair protected.

Use a wide tooth seamless comb instead of a brush, and start from the bottom and work your way up when combing. That way, the comb won't get caught in tangles and pulling them tighter, ultimately ending up ripping off the hair. Ripped hair = more tangles.

Tell her what will happen to her teeth if she doesn't brush them. Find some really horrific pictures on maltreated teeth. Enlist the aid of your dentist.

[Pandora114]

Originally Posted by Anka

Long hair can acctually be LESS maintanence then short. I mean, with a short hair you generally need a syling product to make it look nice.

Teach her to put her hair up. Braids or buns are perfect. Not only will they keep her hair from tangling, but they can be slept on fairly comfortably, and keeps the hair protected.

Use a wide tooth seamless comb instead of a brush, and start from the bottom and work your way up when combing. That way, the comb won't get caught in tangles and pulling them tighter, ultimately ending up ripping off the hair. Ripped hair = more tangles.

Tell her what will happen to her teeth if she doesn't brush them. Find some really horrific pictures on maltreated teeth. Enlist the aid of your dentist.

Still takes too much effort and time ESPECIALLY for a 10yr old girl who would much rather be outside playing and doing other things than her hair.

Short hair, wash step out of shower, dry dont bother with it again. Bed Head is *in* for short hair.

I do the short hair thing and *love* it. Even chin length is too long. Right now I wash, towel try and walk out of the bathroom to get dressed. No brush touches my hair. Doesn't need to because it looks good without brushing/styling. Sure if i want the look to last a bit longer I put a bit of hair wax in but short hair is the way to go for the less than motivated to do hair crowd.

You can get her a cute little pixie cut. It's nice and short, she still has bangs and a fringe, and you can get her some hair bands to make it look all pixie-ish. She hops out of the shower in the morning, towel dries it, puts a little hair wax in her hand and just messes it up a notch and voila! Short, funky VERY low maintanance hair!

[a-sorta-fairytale]

My sis was like that. She was always so stinky! The only thing that worked for her was a milestone party. When she got her period we had a "ladies lunch" and took her out to a fancy "trendy" restaurant and had espresso and artichokes and other cool things for lunch. Then we went out and let her pick out shampoo, body washes, deodorant that SHE liked etc. it really did help.

To head off the same thing with the youngest sis we bought her this cool book about growing up. It talks about peer pressure, hygeine, good nutrition etc. She read through that book really fast and was so excited.

Could you also make some cool stuff? If she likes crafts at all you could make some basic melt and pour soaps and other yummy goodies.

Its funny, out of our family of 5 kids - my older sis is 31 and STILL gross - always with the greasy hair and stinky.
I am very clean but not into being stylish AT ALL
My little bro is FINALLY clean (at 25) but still loves to dress "grunge"
My little sis (the one with the ladies lunch) is clean
And the youngest is clean too.

[luvdisny]

My 10 yo DsD also has issues with hygiene. She is only with us a few weeks a year (year round school) and when she is here I know that battles are coming. She showers everyother day unless she has been in the pool or is really dirty. She only cuts her hair when it gets too long and causes her to have headaches. She is very girly but hates to comb her hair. I've bought brushes, combs, her own shampoo and conditioner and the such but it is still a chore to have her take care of her own hair. I send her to the bathroom to brush her hair and I can hear her crying in there while she is doing it.(She keeps the door shut as she is very modest.) I ask her what she does to her hair at home and she tells me her mother takes care of it. I tell her she is 10 and that she should be able to do it herself. ( or atleast the basics of combing her hair and putting it in a simple ponytail) Her big complaint is that she can't reach the back and that is the hardest part. I've modeled how to comb the back of your head many times but it doesn't seem to sink in. I end up doing it for her because if I didn't we would be late for work.

Last time she was here, she ended up showing 3 days in a row at one point. (went swimming and had friends over for a sleepover). You would have thought I had asked to cut off her foot. She actually cried going down the hall on her way to the shower.

[sunset]

My daughter ( now 13) was just like that. She was never a tomboy but disliked showering/teeth brushing etc. I always had to really get on at her about personal hygeine. I bought cool shampoos, deodorant etc but she would take care of things till really pushed. Then, she turned 12, and suddenly
I had to ask her not to take so long in the shower LOL. Now she is the complete opposite, she is always brushing her hair and teeth, checking out her appearance , using all the body creams and lotions in the house.

I know it is hard, I hated the smell of my own lovely daughter when she came in from school, but hopefully your daughter will be the same, she will just suddenly start to care.
HTH.

[dukeswalker]

I've got to agree with Sunset, my now 13 yo, STUUNK. He would "shower" but come out with dry hair : and I popped in to scrub his tub and found the SAME bar of soap that I had put in there MONTHS and MOTNHS ago, barely used. The Shampoo bottle was hardly used. Up until that point I harped and griped - but then I realized that maybe he just didn't know HOW to get clean. I mean - when he was little I did all the scrubbing - then as he got bigger he "washed" but he didn't have any BO so it didn't matter if he washed well. It wasn't until he got stinky that I noticed he really didn't wash well.

So we had a tolk, I squeezed out the amount of shampoo he would use into his hand. He was floored (he was using drops) and I showed how to get a good lather from the soap. Then we talked about how to get ALL of his head wet AND wash his face. It wasn't really until this year that he suddenly started to care...Hang in there!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Roar

My approach would be to implement a routine that indicates how frequently she needs to shower, change clothes and brush hair. If you are asking her five times what you are doing isn't working.

It needs to be just a part of the routine

This is exactly what I was going to say!!! My kids have morning and evening routines that I printed off the computer, put in a sheet protector, and posted to the wall in the hallway between their rooms. When we first started the routines, I walked them through it step by step but now they usually do a good job on their own.

Keep it short and simple, be consistent and pleasant, and help your child build the habits that will serve them well their whole lives.

(one of my DDs wears dresses a lot and the other lives in comfy shorts and Ts. I don't care. I do care, however, that they FLOSS!)