depression and infertility

[monocyte]

Anyone need medication to help them through the month after month of BFN's?

Lately I feel so lonely, even though I have lots of loving, caring friends; but only a handful who can actually feel what I feel. I'm so negative lately, about everything and anything. I feel so snappy and short with DS, and I know this only is causing damage to us and our relationship. He is such a good boy, but I just dont have the uuumph, KWIM? I obcessed about TTC, more so than the first time since I know what I am missing. And this causes stress on DH. Its a vicious circle I cant get out of.

[kristenok18]

I haven't taken meds for the depression and mood swings caused by IF, but I definitely can commiserate with you.

Kristen

[oceanmommy]

a hug for you !
Infertility is a close cousin with depression, and they can affect each other. I believe there is a high incidence of depression among IF couples, it is definetly frustrating and depressing and gets you right in the heart. I certainly have my blue times in this whole ttc/IF journey, especially around ovulation or AF, but really anytime. I am sorry to hear you are hurting, you are not alone !

I would be cautious about anti-depressants because I would think they would make it harder to conceive. Of course feeling depressed doesn't help either. I would first try natural remedies like meditation, etc and just trying not to think of it and concentrate on other positive aspects in your life like your ds. Easier said than done right ? I guess what you need to do depends on your level of depression and how much it is affecting your life.

I think having a place like this to come and talk with people who understand helps a lot too. Having support IRL is also important, have you considered talking with someone about your depression ? that might be enough to help without meds.

Whatever you do, another for you. Best of Luck.

[Lillianna]

I am in the same boat, every month of BFN, I feel like I am sinking deeper into this depression (can't sleep, not hungry, short tempered). I am also worried about the impact on my relationship with dd. (I really feel for Mommas who are TTC#1) Every month I get my hopes up, even though I tell myself not to. I got AF today. Yesterday, I was really thinking there might be a chance this month. Today I felt pretty down. I did go to yoga this afternoon and that helped alot. I try to stay upbeat and positive. It does help to have other Mommas to talk with on MDC. It also helps me to be conscious of all the blessings I do have.
Another thing that helped me was to get a book from the library "What to do when you can't get pregnant" I'm sorry, I forgot the author's name, I will look it up if you are interested. She is very thorough and outlines all the procedures/stages of treatment for IF and it really made me feel like there is some hope (lots of avenues to explore and possibly successful procedures). I just need to get myself into the clinic, now.
Recently, I saw something mentioned about St. John's Wort being an antidepressent. Does anyone know if this is safe while TTC? any other benefits/side effects?

[fek&fuzz]

My friend is going through infertility treatments. Her infertility center, Boston IVF, has a support group that she found extremely helpful. She said she didn't realize she was depressed until she started going and talked about how she'd been feeling, and she found it very helpful to talk to other people going through the same thing. They also have meetings where the partners come. Is there anything like this near you?

[Pookietooth]

I had/have both IF and depression, and for me, anyway, it's hard to say which came first -- I guess the depression, but the biological causes of my infertility are the same as my depression, as far as I'm concerned. Just wanted to send you a big

[monocyte]

Thanks everyone, I am feeling better today, but only after I had my first anxiety attack last night. It was horrible, but I think I almost needed it to happen to get me level again. Does that make sense?:

kristenok18 - thanks, its nice to know that someone else understands.

Oceanmommy - I agree about the meds, I'd so rather not be on anything, and I really think that once I manage to get a pg that sticks, I will feel better about things, mainly a self confidence/body image thing. Im feeling so let down by myself lately. I think finding someone/group to talk with would help.

Lillianna - s to you. This is our second bout of IF, and I didnt deal with my feelings properly the first time, and now it seems 1000x worse. Gotten to the point where I cant even use the fertility monitor or temp. I've been trying to let it go. But, I think I need some other outlet; maybe when DS goes to school I will have some time to do a yoga class or swim.

fek&fuzz - Im in the Boston area as well, and have seen a grief/pregnancy loss therapist a few times, but the out of pocket expense was too much - she didnt take any insurances. Even though Ma has great IF laws as far as reimbursement, my DH employer (large Catholic Healthcare Network)has found a loophole, and we have basicly ZERO coverage for a RE. Adds more stress as DH is considering leaving his dream job so we can get coverage. I think I should look into some sort of group again (we got pg with the help of NEMC, and they were starting couples groups at the time).

But, on a positive note, my MW today agreed to do 3 months of clomid with me instead of 1. But, I am thinking of waiting a month to see if I can clear my head a bit.

[Pookietooth]

Oh, and I just wanted to add that fertility drugs can definitely cause emotional problems, like mood swings. I definitely had them on clomid, but not with injectibles.

[crazydiamond]

We spent two years TTC and it was rough. . .very very rough. I honestly think infertility is the biggest hurdle DH and I have faced. It could have very well led to the end of our relationship, not so much because of the inability to have a child, but because the emotions that infertility causes us to have. Of course, it didn't help that we had different ways of dealing with them, either.

I wouldn't say that I was clinically depressed during TTC, but there were some very stressful times. Sex became such a chore, OPKs were the bane of my existence, and each BFN cause me to melt into a puddle of tears. And when I finally did become pregnant, I was in denial. It wasn't until 17 weeks or so when I could feel the baby move did I actually believe it, despite the fact that I had already seen the baby on ultrasound.

Now that we're TTC#2, I feel the stress all over again. Part of me wants to just not TTC at all and just have the one child, just to avoid the stress. But I really do love my baby girl and I do want another. . .knowing how great it is makes the pain so much worse this time around.

I think infertility really was a big factor in my severe PPD. Of all the years of being so focused on having a baby that once the baby was here, I was left feeling empty. I also grieved for all the ways my body failed me -- I just felt miserable that my body couldn't seem to do anything right. That's not really true, of course, but it did feel that way.

I'm on Zoloft (still recovering from PPD) and I'm quite concerned on how TTC#2 is going to affect me. Part of me thinks its best to hold off TTCing until things are more under control, but then part of me gets sad about having to wait.

[Lillianna]

I have alot of stress (self inflicted) about having another baby because of my daughter getting older. She really would like to have a baby brother or baby sister...actually, she wants one of each. She regularly talks about them. Once she made a bracelet for her baby sister and carried it around for a few days, talking about when she would give it to her, what she would say. It was really ripping my heart out. I try to be very conscious of not projecting my desire for another baby on to her because I don't want her to feel like she is "not good enough" so I want other children, or to feel like she can't be happy as an only child (for now). I watched my sister battle with SIF and felt like her children really did pick up on her depression. I told myself I would never let that happen. And why couldn't she be happy, after all, she already had 2 beautiful children. Now I understand.

and each BFN cause me to melt into a puddle of tears.

I actually cry either during or after TD, even if I enjoy it, I still have this uncontrollable emotional reaction. Usually when I get AF, I just walk around numb for a few days. Crazydiamond, how did you succeed in getting prego for #1? Can you TTC on Zoloft?
Well, I guess if this is the only place we have to talk about these feelings, then so be it. No one, besides another woman who has been there, can understand and it's not really something you bring up as part of conversation.
Thanks for listening.

[ladyd]

sorry i know its very hard i am the same way as you

i am 34yrs married for 12 and haven't been able to concieve yet i know how it feels all my family has kids except me i feel left out, cheated, depress and my famlily means well too but they don't know how it really feels only the women that are going through it my dear husband is 36 and i feel so bad for him he's a good guy and a excellent uncle i feel devastated hes the oldest of four children and the only one that can carry on his last name so yeah i understand but i have to keep trying to get pregnant i have too.........don't lose hope i pray and hope god listens to our prayer and we get blessed one day good luck,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[OTMomma]

I've been there! My dd (also born 7/02 like Lillianna's) was super easy to concieve and now she asks pretty much daily for a baby brother. She's actually even asked me why we don't adopt! There are a lot of complex reasons dh and I aren't ready for adoption, though we may get there....

Anyway, I wanted to share things that have helped me:
Taking B vitamins (also good for ttc)

Taking Omega 3's (good for ttc, though its good to make sure its a low mercury kind) These really helped me a lot

Reading The Infertility Cure- gave me hope, and I think the diet changes I made have also helped me feel better

Doing things to nourish myself- having dh watch dd while I do a little spa at home time with long baths and such, buying a new shirt that is pretty just for me (and not thinking about maternity wear), doing kids yoga with dd.

Finding things I can do (or we can do as a family) that would be hard with a baby along and appreciating those experiences

I hope some of this is helpful! This journey is so very very hard!

s to you all!

[monocyte]

thanks everyone, its so nice to know there are others out there...

Im doing better, trying to take time more for myself...and just live in the "now".
Guess its all I can do.

[MichelleW]

just wanted to say, i am going throught his too. I already had depression caused by imbalanced hormones (too low progesterone), and recently they altered the timing of when i can take progesterone. This has really affected me -- never been so depressed in my life. Yesterday I went for a vaginal ultrasound & none of the follicles were preparing for release! So, we have decided I will start clomid. I am scared of what it will do to me, but I think the doctor has the prescription for a low dose, so hopefully that helps.

and : for everyone!

[OTMomma]

Michelle- I just wanted to share that I took clomid this month (I had low progesterone too) and it wasn't bad at all! I felt a little dizzy a few days on it, and I've had a few days of acting a little PMSy since, but in some ways I've felt like my hormone issues have been better this month, than they were last month on nothing. I was really scared about taking it, so I have been pleasantly suprised.

[JavaFinch]

I cycle on/off with pretty major depression due to infertility. On another board I post on (different website) a LOT of women are getting pg lately and one I noticed is pregnant with her third child and I noticed I had been TTC since BEFORE SHE CONCEIVED HER FIRST. I've TTC 5 years! When I think about ALL THAT TIME and energy I want to scream! Now today I'm getting my period after only a 10-day luteal phase! I had one good cycle right after my failed IVF in June and then the past 2 have been screwed up.

Not yesterday but the day before I had one of my REALLY bad days where I was just a bitch all day to everyone. I feel so GUILTY when I am not a good mom to my son and I feel so ANGRY that other people get to just decide when and how many children they will have and I have to spend 1/2 a decade of my life (so far!) TTC and while not on a constant/total vacation from life, leaving life for periods of time each month. I'm bitter and resentful for what I've LOST and also bitter and resentful of how infertility is viewed. If someone miscarries people are SO SO supportive (and of course they should be, I'm not saying they shouldn't) BUT nobody seems to even "care" about those of us who just haven't even GOTTEN pg. There was that case recently where the woman cut the throat of that mom and stole her baby (mom lived and is now back with the baby) and when people found out this woman had recently miscarried, some even said they felt for her - not that what she did was right but they had empathy for her. I imagined how it would have been received if the woman who stole the baby had been "infertile" - I doubt people would have felt the same feelings toward her as they did because she miscarried.

I WANT PEOPLE TO NOTICE ME!!! I WANT THEM TO KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN I AM IN!!!!!!

Even among my friends people ask me things or say things in front of me that I feel they shouldn't, because they just think, "Oh, she's fine. It's not like she lost a baby or anything." In a way I did - I mean, I saw my ONE little embryo from my one measly egg - it was a good quality embryo and I don't know why it didn't implant.

Damn, I'm just SOOOOOO depressed. The only thing is, though, is today I got AF - I'll be fine today, so I'm normally only bad like this 1-3 days each month. I can't be on drugs for the whole month because of that. I wish there was something to take the edge off just during the days right at the end of my cycle where PMS is raging right along with my grief!

[Lillianna]

Hang in there Jody. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

[Dea]

I don't know what to say, other than I feel the same way, and I don't know how to express it to my husband. We're trying to have our first and it's not working well. I know that I haven't been trying as long as some of the other ladies here, but I belive that you are all so strong if you have been able to endure this for any amount of time.
For me what makes it worse is that it seems that everyone around me is either pregnant or just have had a baby. Every time I hear of someone else getting pregnant I want to gouge my own eyes out with a spoon. But I am happy for them, and I make all efforts to make sure that they don't know that I am upset about it.
I just can't wait until it's my turn.

I've been trying to be really active and make my body strong so that when I am pregnant I will be healthy. I find that the activity helps to boost my spirits.

[kimberlychapman]

We were depressed a lot. The worst was the second failed IVF implantation attempt...the doc was shocked that it didn't work, and I was just bummed out entirely.

I told my husband that it was just getting too hard, that I couldn't do it much longer. I agreed to try one more round since we had so many frozen embryos, but I was sure it wouldn't work. I told him that the day after we got a negative test result, we were going to look into adoption because the fertility treatments were just too physically and emotionally painful.

So of course, it did work, and now I have the best baby girl in the world.

I say she's the result of the power of NEGATIVE thinking! Nobody likes to hear that, but it's true. It finally worked when I accepted that it wouldn't, when I got so bummed that I stopped bothering to hope.

[Dena]

Jody and Dea, I am sorry things are so bad for you both right now. I have certainly been there. I remember being in tears just seeing trick or treaters the Halloween before I conceived. Oddly enough, five weeks later I was pg. I try to hold that in my mind and heart now, when we are trying again, so that the feelings of hopelessness don't overwhelm me quite as much. I had a similar experience to Kimberly, in that after two failed IVFs and numerous IUIs, I was so tired, physically and emotionally, from the attempts that I just wanted to move on. I was still hopeful, but not feeling as desperate to be pg as I had been. I think not being as "invested" in the attempt, as my acupuncturist put it, actually helped it work.

As Dea said, the physical exercise is a great help. I love yoga, and just ordered "Yoga 4 Fertility" from Ebay. I have also been for some energy healing, which was a little "out there," even for me, but it really helped. I felt so much calmer and more positive since going. Dh has noticed a difference as well. And, of course, the acupuncture, both for fertility and for general stress, has been extremely helpful. The practitioners I have will work with payment plans for those on limited budgets or who have no (useful) insurance (don't get me started) as well.

Jody, you mentioned having something to take the edge off on your roughest days. Have you tried Bach flower remedies (I use Rescue Remedy) or Hyland's "Calms" tablets? Both are homeopathic, and I have found both to be very helpful in doing just that - taking the edge off of the worst days.