How to deal with DH & his M/F stereotypes

[catgirl1007]

DH is generally pretty good with GD, but he cannot let go of some of his M/F stereotypes and it's driving me crazy.

I told him this morning about the "slug bug" and "slapper wagon" thread and how we shouldn't teach our children (now DD 22 months and DS on the way) this so that they won't be inclined to hit. I told him that my brother and I didn't even know about "slug bug" until we were older. He said, "My brothers and I used to always do that, but it's okay when it's a bunch of boys." I asked him why that was okay and he said, "It's different when you have 4 boys in the family. They're going to hit each other." : I told him it didn't have to be that way, but he doesn't get it.

He used to say that it was good that we had a girl first b/c then we had a "built in babysitter". That irked me to no end and I finally got it through to him how inappropriate it was to say that and that I didn't want DD growing up hearing that. Thankfully he no longer says that. Now that we're having a DS he says stuff like, "He doesn't have to be smart as long as he's good at sports." I keep saying that maybe he'll like theatre and reading or maybe he will like sports, but who cares???

He's 1/2 joking when he says these things, but I don't like to hear them at all and I've told him that multiple times. I especially hate when he says it in front of his parents b/c they jump on the stereotype bandwagon with him (go figure).

I'm afraid he'll think it's okay if DS hits and kicks - a "boys will be boys" type mentality. I know it's premature to worry about this considering I haven't even given birth, but it really does bug me. I also don't want DS to grow up thinking he has to be good at sports, or that DD has to like girly-girl activities.

Any suggestions? DH is one of those guys who typically needs to hear things 50 times before it starts to sink in.

[lilylove]

Moved to Parenting

[kewb]

Just keep discussing it with him. It took my dh a while to get over some of his gender stereotypes. Sometimes, he still comes out with one or more and our ds will tell him he is gender stereotyping and that is wrong.

[Clarinet]

Ugh. My husband's entire family has that whole "boys will be boys" mentality and as a result, his nephew is way out of control with being extremely aggressive physically and he's a rude little smart mouth, too. Watching him grow up has changed my husband's thinking, though. If we have any boys, I'm confident he'll not encourage aggression like the rest of his family does. It did take several years for him to change his mind. What was "cute" four year old terror has now become a 9-year old threat to our kids and it's not so cute anymore. I think even my husband's mother is changing her mind. Yesterday, she said she won't watch him and my four year old together anymore.

I think it's important for your husband to change his thinking. My nephew has been suspended from school repeatedly for his aggression and his father had a really nice girlfriend but they had to break up because the boy was terrible to her son. Mentally, there's nothing wrong with him. He acts like an angel when he's around me and not because I'm mean! I just don't allow hitting or violent play and he totally respects that. He does slip up now and then but I know he could stop his behaviour if he was consistently shown that it is inappropriate.

[mamalisa]

Constant correction. Everytime my dh says something like "throws like a girl" I just say, some girls throw really well and some boys don't. Over and over again, every single time.

I've heard it from my mil too, that it's a good thing we had a boy first so that he can take care of his little sister. No one liked my response when I said that it won't be ds's responsibility (my sil lived with us for a long time and we've paid her bills to often to count) to take care of his sister and we'll teach her to take care of herself.

[pookel]

If it were me, I think I'd just look at him blankly everytime he came out with one of those, and say "Huh? What are you *talking* about?" ... "Why would a girl be a better babysitter?" ... "Why would it be OK for boys to hit but not girls?" Sometimes I think repeatedly questioning someone's assumptions is more effective than directly criticizing them. It makes it sound like it's not just you being bitchy, but that his opinions are foreign to you (and not the norm for everybody, therefore).

[turniptruk]

my husband is the same way.

We live in Canada so when we had a little boy, immediately comments were made about hockey players. I laughed them off with the comment that maybe Evan will be a figure skater. Dh's comment was "over my dead body" "no son of mine will skate with toe picks", blah blah blah. I commented that if the baby skates as good as Dad he wont have much of a hockey career! I skate circles around my hockey playing husband, and was skating by the time I was 2. I always just skated for fun, nothing serious.
Did I mention that dh "picked me up" at a hockey/skating rink?

Dh has serious gender stereotype issues, and so do his parents. (She's never worked and does all the houseworky stuff, he does all the yard stuff and sits back & relaxes.) I, on the other hand, have a mom who was a serious tom boy as a kid, and am not so rigid on what sex is "allowed" to do what job. I love doing yard work, and building things and I will ensure that Evan knows how to cook and bake.

I do find myself calling Evan "my big strong boy" and things like that from time to time. I just wonder what I would say to my daughter, if I had one? I think (hope) that I would say the same sort of thing to her.

Pam

[BelgianSheepDog]

Originally Posted by catgirl1007

He used to say that it was good that we had a girl first b/c then we had a "built in babysitter".

Speaking as the person who all but raised my little brother, I'm having some decidedly non-GD thoughts about your husband right now. That's not just sexist, it's wrong on about four other levels. :

IME guys like this don't really learn better, they just learn to keep shut up to not "get in trouble." So just keep letting him know you don't want to hear that crap, and try to provide a counterexample to your kids. I'm sorry he's like that.

[lalaland42]

My husband spent 3 years living at Bryn Mawr. I guess sending your dh to a women's college isn't an option.

I guess correcting him each and every time he says something would be best, at least the sexist roles might not be passed down.

DH brag: DH and I were buying DD shoes the other day and I told DH loudly that DD's diaper was falling down (out of her pants). Another couple was buying baby clothes for their infant and the guy made some joke about how he thought the diapers were "their jobs" gesturing to me and his wife. The funny thing was that my husband did not even understand what he was talking about. He just kinda smiled and walked off. A few minutes later, he said, OH now I get what that guy was trying to say. Thanks, now I remember why I married him.

[catgirl1007]

Thanks, ladies! Yesterday I brought up the stereotyping again and DH said, "You know I'm only kidding when I say stuff like that" so I told him, again, that I don't think it's funny, that he's going to give our children a complex, that I grew up being told "girls don't do this or that", and I don't want my kids raised in that kind of environment. We'll see if that sunk in (doubt it). Next I'm going to try the "What does that mean??" suggestion from pookel. We'll see how this goes.... I'm not going to give up though.

[PrincessMonkey]

Speech like that just makes me so sad.

When I was in 7th grade I had math anxiety. The teacher told me that it was fortunate I was a girl because its not expected that girls know math and science My mother went in and to put it mildly, readjusted his way of thinking. And while I had that anxiety for quite a few more years, I was able to finally get over it and eventually become an Engineer.

I have no good advice for you. I was fortunate enough to meet a man who feels the same way I do - that we didn't want to label our kids into those stereotypical roles. My son will be taught how to cook and be a babysitter, if he has an interest. My daughter will know how to build a house and do machine maintenance if she has an interest. They will both be encouraged to play sports, nurture and be really good at math and science . We just consider it as a way to help them be fully human.

Good luck with your discussions.

[organic_homestead]

I feel very fortunate that my partner is very sensitive to gender stereotypes. In fact many times he questions his bahavior if we'd had a boy instead of a girl. And he is insistent that our dd becomes a toolbelt diva! Sometimes I buy clothes that some people would consider "boy" clothes and then I have to correct people when they say "what a sweet boy, look at those blue eyes." I just say "actually she's a girl and yes, she has her daddy's eyes."

Living in Iowa, we deal with a lot of stereotypes and they are well engrained into people's heads. A woman I work with said her husband was so glad they had a boy because he'll be able to play sports in school. They have two girls and so I asked (in front of a group of co-workers), "why can't your girls play sports?"
Also living in a small town we are limited on where we can shop and all of the baby clothes are decisively girl or boy. Many times I'm shopping on line just to get away from that!