Children taking risks

[Elyra]

I have a few questions for everyone. Do you think it is important to teach your children to take risks? After reading a thread that made me think about safety verus manners I started to think about risk taking. I feel that it is important in life to take certain risks in things like work and love. Being able to put yourself out there knowing you may be let down or hurt, but you may be rewarded. I think most sucessful people in life, the people who seem to the happiest and are doing the things they love for a career seem to be risk takers. Do you feel that is something you would want your children to do? If so when do you feel that lesson should be taught? I believe that a child begins learning from the first day they born and so is this a lesson you plan on or have been teaching your children? Where do you draw the line between teaching risk taking and keeping them safe?

[4evermom]

I suspect that risk takers are secure people who have a temperament that enjoys excitement. Other than raising a child in a way that makes them feel secure (unconditional love, following child's lead about what activities they are ready for), I'm not sure it is something that can or should be taught. I'm also not sure that risk takers are happier than those who achieve goals through well thought out, small steps with a safety net in place .

[chinaKat]

Good question (I think you were talking about my thread!

I wonder if the issue isn't introducing challenges rather than introducing risks.

The first thing I can think of is an example for older children -- I used to take my girl scout troop (maybe 10-12 yrs old at the time) to a ropes course, where they would do "trust falls" and other team-building/self-esteem-building exercises. I think the girls all learned a lot about their personal abilities and the idea of facing challenges.

I think similar (but more developmentally appropriate) challenges could be found for younger children as well.

[velochic]

I think that it's important to teach your children to evaluate a situation and take calculated risks. My dd is 4 now. I wouldn't want my adult dd to "take a risk/chance" on a guy that is abusing her. I'd want to her to feel that she can judge people well and take a chance on the right guy. I would feel like I failed as a parent if she can't figure out what is a situation worth risking. Likewise (and dh and I disagree on this), I am okay with her taking a look at a leap and attempting it if she feels comfortable in her abilities. I feel that it's my job to help her with the evaluation part, but her personality will dictate the risk she is willing to take depending on her level of comfort.

This past weekend, she jumped off of a stool that was well within her ability. She was jumping off of our dining room table when she was 2 and I believe that she knows her abilities. This time, she landed wrong when she jumped off of a 1-foot high stool and now she's in a cast. Dh says, "Did you learn your lesson? Quit jumping off of things." My reaction was different. I said, "You'll try harder to land on your feet next time, right?" I don't want her to stop jumping... I want her to use her head when she does. I'd encourage her to take that 1-foot jump again, even knowing that she is risking a broken foot.

If she safely ran across the road to get her ball would I encourage her to do it again? Of course not. You can teach your kids to take risks without teaching them to be reckless.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by velochic

This past weekend, she jumped off of a stool that was well within her ability. She was jumping off of our dining room table when she was 2 and I believe that she knows her abilities. This time, she landed wrong when she jumped off of a 1-foot high stool and now she's in a cast. Dh says, "Did you learn your lesson? Quit jumping off of things." My reaction was different. I said, "You'll try harder to land on your feet next time, right?" I don't want her to stop jumping... I want her to use her head when she does. I'd encourage her to take that 1-foot jump again, even knowing that she is risking a broken foot.

If she safely ran across the road to get her ball would I encourage her to do it again? Of course not. You can teach your kids to take risks without teaching them to be reckless.

: Well said!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think its important not to impede children from taking risks that they ae comfortable with. And encouraing them to try things that you feel they can do but maybe they aren't sure. It really bugs me when I go to a playground or something and I hear nothing but "be careful", "don't climb so high", "that slide is too big for you" or whatever. My basic approach is "if an ER trip isn't the most likely outcome of this, let them try." So my kids try all kinds of things with gusto. And sometimes they get hurt. But mostly they learn that they can jump, run, climb, slide, or whatever. And they also know that when I do say "Please don't do that because its dangerous", I'm really serious, because I don't say it very often. I hope this will translate into their being willing to try new things at school or later in life with confidence.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I think its important not to impede children from taking risks that they ae comfortable with. And encouraing them to try things that you feel they can do but maybe they aren't sure. It really bugs me when I go to a playground or something and I hear nothing but "be careful", "don't climb so high", "that slide is too big for you" or whatever. My basic approach is "if an ER trip isn't the most likely outcome of this, let them try." So my kids try all kinds of things with gusto. And sometimes they get hurt. But mostly they learn that they can jump, run, climb, slide, or whatever. And they also know that when I do say "Please don't do that because its dangerous", I'm really serious, because I don't say it very often. I hope this will translate into their being willing to try new things at school or later in life with confidence.

What she said! I don't think you need to teach kids much, just get out of the way of their natural development. Make room for them to make their own judgements.

[mommytolittlelilly]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I think its important not to impede children from taking risks that they ae comfortable with. And encouraing them to try things that you feel they can do but maybe they aren't sure. It really bugs me when I go to a playground or something and I hear nothing but "be careful", "don't climb so high", "that slide is too big for you" or whatever. My basic approach is "if an ER trip isn't the most likely outcome of this, let them try." So my kids try all kinds of things with gusto. And sometimes they get hurt. But mostly they learn that they can jump, run, climb, slide, or whatever. And they also know that when I do say "Please don't do that because its dangerous", I'm really serious, because I don't say it very often. I hope this will translate into their being willing to try new things at school or later in life with confidence.

I can understand what you're saying, but I might be one of the moms who would bug you on the playground. My 2.5 year old daughter decided that she wanted to follow some older kids up a slide that happened to be 2 stories high. (I was not with her at the time - there actually would have been no way in hell I would have allowed her to set foot on that slide. She was with another trusted family member.) She fell about 4 feet and broke her leg. She has had to have many x-rays and even a CT-scan as the break went through the distal tibia growth plate. We will have to continue monitoring it to make sure a growth plate complication does not arise - last time we had x-rays it appeared that a bar was forming where there should be none. As a result, she has been and will continue to be exposed to a lot of radiation, and we are not out of the woods so to speak about the potential for a growth plate complication, which is very, very serious in a child with a lot of growing left to do.

Just something to think about next time you're trying to evaluate risk at the playground. A fall that would normally just mean a sprain in an adult can have potentially very serious complications to a young child in the form of growth plate break disruption.

[edamommy]

you know, my dh and I debate this all the time. my ds (who is 3 and 1/2) always likes to watch things like rock climbing and snow boarding and my dh will ask "do you want to do that" and ds will say "no, I think I'll be scared" and dh will say something like "no, it's nothing to be scared about". and I disagree w/ this. as those sports ARE things to be scared about and I think it's important to understand that before having a kid haphazardly flying into an activity w/ no fear at all!

As far as loving and losing type of fear... again... don't let fear stand in your way and that's what we try to teach (or I try to anyway... my dh seems to not accept fear as ahealthy feeling... but that's another issue...). my father-in-law was a very very very successful man in the world of advertising and he always told me that he lived by "If it doesn't make you sweat it's not worth doing..."

[Benjismom]

To me, the most important thing I can do is teach my children how to evaluate risks. I am naturally a real risk-taker and relish physical challenges, so it can be hard for me to understand someone who is more inhibited. But I'm pretty good at helping my kids decide if a risk is one they should take. For example, my son (who is more of a risk-taker than my daughter) said a couple of months ago he wanted to jump off the highest step on the steps leading to his school. Previously, he had only jumped off of the second-to-top step. We talked about what he had done before, and how he managed it, especially the need to absorb the impact by bending his knees and using his large leg muscles. We also talked about things we could do to make it less risky the first time, like lightly holding on to me.

In the end, he thought about it and decided he wasn't ready, which would have been my instinct as well. But if I had simply told him he wasn't ready, he would have felt slighted and wouldn't have had the opportunity to really think about his physical capabilities, mental readiness and risk reduction options. When my kids aren't with me, they need to be able to do this. Ultimately, I think I do have somewhat of an attitude that risk-taking is essential to growth and development. I can't imagine how you can find the right choice for you--partner, work, school, etc.--without trying new things and sometimes having them not work out.

Beth
DS (6-1/2), DD (3-1/2)

[srain]

I think that taking reasonable physical risks may relate to taking reasonable emotional risks in the future. While I was active as a child, I never did the more dangerous stuff my (male) friends did because I was excessively afraid of getting hurt. Then, in middle school and beyond, I could never take even the small emotional risks necessary to form friendships, have a real social life, etc. (like calling an acquaintance, etc.) So I see pushing boundaries to be positive.

[mommytolittlelilly]

I think it's more important to me to think of this in terms of allowing my daughter to be able to have a role in making decisions for herself overall, whether it's a decision to have pbj or mac and cheese, reading or going to the playground, etc.

There's something of a debate amongst family members about what's appropriate reading material even when my daughter clearly has an interest in mummies, monsters, and other "scary" things. Right now her dad is reading The Hobbit to her, and she loves it. I admit that I was a little nervous when she woke up one morning and said she had a dream that Smog burned down our house and city, BUT, she is adamant about wanting to continue with the book. (Smog is some dragon character in the book - haven't read it myself.) Basically, I want to encourage her to pursue what she is most interested in, but I am very protective of her when it comes to physical risks. As a kid I was doing stuff like jumping off of garages with other "intrepid" friends of mine, but I still turned into a very cautious adult in so many other ways - I think there were many other factors which contributed to that.

[Elyra]

There are alot of really thoughtful and wonderful responses. I agree with many of the things that have been said, but I think srain really hit on what I am feeling right now. I was a very cautious child. My parents protected me a great deal and I did feel very secure. In my older life I did not feel comfortable taking many risks, and I have been uncomfortable when people around me do. I see this same behavior in my oldest son. He is clearly very cautious, and I have spent his life trying to protect him from every thing that could hurt him. I gently encourage, but explain possible outcomes, ie if you do A then X Y or Z could happen, and then if Y happend we would have to go to the ER. Because of the overly cautious explainations he chooses not to do A. I have noticed now that I have more children the little ones are afforded more atonomy in their abilites. This wasn't something I was aware of until I heard my oldest son explaining to one of his younger brothers why he should not climb onto the counter. He told him if he climbs up there he could slip or fall and then he could hit his head or break his arm and then he would have to wear a cast and couldn't play anymore. It was like hearing myself and I was a bit sad I sounded like that. I want my children to learn their limits and push them within reason. Now I have made an effort to be more encouraging to my oldest son, but I don't know if he will loosen up a little bit. I worry that he will not be willing to take "bigger" risks in life because he has been taught that most risks are not worth taking. I am not sure what I just said makes sense.

[Dechen]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

My basic approach is "if an ER trip isn't the most likely outcome of this, let them try." So my kids try all kinds of things with gusto. And sometimes they get hurt. But mostly they learn that they can jump, run, climb, slide, or whatever. And they also know that when I do say "Please don't do that because its dangerous", I'm really serious, because I don't say it very often.

[cheenya]

The whole issue of risk taking or even evaluating risks is something I struggle with. I think when I was young my mom didn't worry as much as she started to later, but at this point I still often have a tendency to label her paranoid about too many things and I struggle not to be that way, but she influences me a lot! I think I am fairly conservative in my judgments about what I will and won't let DD do, I remind her to be cautious frequently, because she often doesn't have caution when she should, and I think that just being reminded while she is in the activity is a more effective learning tool for her right now than talking about risks and capabilities would be, since she ususally will overestimate her abilities if given the choice. I have a tendencey to be much more cautious than many people I know, but still not cautious enough to please my mother, which is an issue because we live with her half the year or more. I am aware enough though to be sure I do encourage her to push her limits in safer environments so that she continues to be willing to find and try new challenges to master.
More realted to the original question, I think risk taking has more to do with personality and maybe attachment, rather than teaching a child to take risks. Although its possible this is semantics, because I do think its important to encourage children to face new challenges, but I distinguish between relatively safer challenges and relatively less safe risks. I think its most important to teach children to evaluate situations in general and connect to their feelings so they learn to find their own ballance between safety and risks. I also don't agree that a willingness to take physical or emotional risks are at all connected, but thats just from my own experience.