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How do you KEEP YOUR COOL when all you wanna do is scream? - Page 2

post #21 of 89
I think we've all been to the edge of anger and beyond.

Once or twice I have had to sit down cuz I've been too angry to think.

My stress reliever has always been to act crazy/foolish/odd. In an insane world why not join in once in a while. I do odd dances, make odd noises, and sing weird made up songs. You'd be amazed how funny you can be when you are that 'wigged out'. I'm not advocating a descent into true madness, just ... play acting madness. With kids it is a great distraction for them. They stop what they are doing, or not doing, I see if I can get ds to laugh etc. that usually make some things better. Its hard to be upset at a smiling baby
post #22 of 89
I am all for going the looney toons route, as needed. Although that can backfire on you! (case in point- my best friend was over today and got into some imbroglio with the three boys we have between us and then just blathered something out about "don't get me so mad I blow a bird out my butt!" which of COURSE my five year old immediately picked up and RAN with! I'll be hearing that charming phrase for about the next three months!)


I just remembered, after reading MACMOM's post about cycles- when things are really at the rock bottom pits for me, I'll brew a cup of Yogi Tea's Moon Cycle tea and it most always brings on my period which essentially hits the re-set button for me. I don't know how it would work for anyone who's not bleeding yet after babes, but I think it has all the right herbs in it for women. maybe it will make a difference for someone else, too.
post #23 of 89
Thread Starter 
Ahhhh... b/c of ALL of you I can BREATHE again. I know I've said it before, but finding MDC and the other wonderful moms here has really changed my SAHM world. It really has. I can't thank you all enough for always sharing your life with me.

Has anyone ever met a mom who doesn't seem to ever get frustrated? I guess I'm always comparing myself to this made-up perfect mom in my head. Isn't it crazy what we do to ourselves? I had a friend (who happens to be a therapist) say, "Who wants to be friends with someone who's perfect?". And that's true. I generally don't like people who SEEM to have things ALL-together. I just know that there is some seething stuff going on underneath.

I came from a fairly dysfunctional family and I think that's another thing to struggle with as a mom. You have your normal expectations and then if you've come from a less-than-perfect background you just hold yourself up to these sometimes unattainable goals.

Yesterday DS and I had a WONDERFUL day. It was like night and day from the day before. It's like the universe needed to give me that day, KWIM?

This is by far the most challenging, exhausting, emotionally draining thing I've ever done or will ever do. It's just relentless. The need of our children is sometimes bottomless and it's hard to give if you don't have it (either momentarily or in general).

What I think about is -if I have my freak out days with ONE 14 mo, how will I be capable of having TWO? (and DH and I definitely want two or more). I guess I'm just in a slump and need the extra encouragement.

Hope all you ladies hang in there. And perhaps you have some reinforcements now that the weekend is here. I know not all of you do, and that there are lots of different schedules out there, but I hope you have some extra help soon.

Glad to see that we're all in this together
post #24 of 89
Sometime I have wonderful days and sometime I yell and sometime I even curse. It s OK, my my yealled and cursed sometime but I knew she loed me. we all only humans. I tihnk it would be damaging ,in a way, to have mom who is never frustrated. Unhuman
Yes, kids like to explore their boundaries, but you are the parent and it is up to you to make the boundaries. letting you child walking all over you a the expense of your own feelings and dream is not a good idea. it leads to recentment which leads to more anger.
screaming ofhten produces very little results (I know from my own experience) but showing direcet consequences does a lots of good. Do not get into the battle over food. you are letting your son do it over and over again. calmly tell him that next time he throws everything on the floor, he is out of his high chair and the kitchen. Maybe he just loves to play with food. Involve him in food preparation. yes, the flour will be spilled accidentely, and maybe be hw will put to many tomatoes into the salas, bu you both will be ejoying time together.
On Sunday, i was yelling becuase my kids accideltey let the hamsetr out of the abll and were not exactely helping me find him. And then I turned to them sna said, "Fine, I will go wash ddisehs now, let the cat find the hamster... and I smiled" they smiles and started moving things with me in the living room (Hamster is ok)
We all humans, we all feel things. Forgive yourself and find some way to deal with the behaviour (Spread a sheet under the bigh chair, it helps too)
post #25 of 89
Oh - I am so with you!

Saturday my beautiful 2 1/2 year old son just wouldn't take a nap -- I had just came back from my very last class of graduate school and I was primed to sit down and do NOTHING. I was wiped out and he was obviously tired too. But no go. I ended up just laying on the bed and cried -- maybe an overreaction, but I am a very emotional 7 months pregnant as well.

He came in from his room and crawled up in my arms, hugged me and BURST into tears. I felt so bad, but at the same time it was very cathartic.

We had a lovely rest of the afternoon -- read LOTS of books and he went to bed 2 hours early -- go figure!

My advice, I guess, is that it's okay to just "let go" and feel your emotions. That way you feel better and no one gets hurt. Kids are very flexible and really don't remember a single incident of when "mama lost her patience." So be kind to yourself and you will feel better and we all know kids prefer happy, balanced, "at peace" mothers!
post #26 of 89
It's nice to know there are so many other frustrated moms out there. I won't vent since it would largely repeat what has already been said.

Here are a few things I sometimes do when my head is about to explode:

1. Put the kids in the bathtub and let them play while I clean the rest of the bathroom. A messy house makes me feel crazier so if I can have just one clean room it helps.

2. Strap the kids in their carseats and go for a ride. My older son can color, my younger son sometimes falls asleep, we might pick up french fries to occupy them while we drive. I also sometimes just sit alone on the steps in my garage before getting into the car myself and try to collect myself while the boys are contained in their seats and not causing further frustrations (no breaking things or tearing the house apart for at least a few minutes).

3. Sometimes I just lock the kids in their individuals room for a little quiet time. I may feel like an evil mother while doing it, but a little quiet time often does us all good. Occassionally one of the boys falls asleep (tiredness having caused the hyper behavior). I even turned the doorknob around on my older sons room, so I can lock him in. They can listen to music or play with their toys. I can lay down for a few minutes.

Any other coping suggestions? I could sure use more. LOL crazy lady LOL
post #27 of 89
This is the funniest thread I have read in a long time...many moments of (which helped after the day I had today...story for another post.).

Whoever talked about cycles is right on. Also the person who mentioned being in sync with their partner. Those two are key for me, too.

good luck, and keep up the laughs!

Mia
post #28 of 89
I'm really enjoying this thread. Lots of good advice and food for thought. Thank you to everyone for being honest and all the helpful hints.

I changed my 4 yo morning routine. I now have her put her clothes out the night before. We are less stressed because there is no time constraint. I have the time to talk to her about what will be appropriate. So far so good. She has gotten dressed without any nagging four days in a row. So our morning is much better.

Julianne
post #29 of 89
Oh me, me, me! My mom friends and I inevitably end up on this topic when we get together. Recently I have started to worry that my 3 year old's acting out was in part a consequence of her witnessing my occasional outbursts and "bad mommy" days. But today I was in good form - smiling, patient, available - and she was still a little monsterette.

Things that work for me:

Planning ahead definitely helps. Picking out clothes the night before, as previously mentioned, is a must.

Knowing my triggers. As I also have a 3 month old, being tired is a big issue. I plan a nap into my day (and actually manage to get one about 50% of the time).

The first "anger event" is guilt-free, 'cause lordy knows I can't always seem them coming. After that I try to change course to avoid the next one.

Ignore it. If I can't pacify my DD and she's still whining and crying. I just go on about my business, preferably in another part of the house where I can't hear her so well.

Get outside. Today I had both of them wailing for about an hour. I slapped a jacket on my DD's otherwise naked torso, shoved her feet in shoes and put the screaming DS in the stroller. We were quite a racket for the first block or two but for whatever reason fresh air and movement work wonders.

Have Me time. I joined a gym this year with an on-site child care. I strive for 3 times a week and try to make this time inviolable. I am worth the 53 bucks a month.

Join Flylady! If you haven't heard of her, check out http://www.flylady.net . She helps you keep on track with your housework, and when I'm having a bad day I nearly always find something inspirational in her daily email.

Oh yeah, and I pray for strength!

Good luck to us all!
post #30 of 89
b'h

from my experience: scream if you feel like it. yell all you want, just don't yell exactly what you would...i.e. when i stubbed my toe last week, i yelled, " hey, i hurt my toe, i hate hurting my toe, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, why does this always happen, ouch ouch ouch!! etc etc etc"

and lemme tell you, it helps just to let it out in a yell!!

although dd got all nervous, mommy you have a boo-boo??
post #31 of 89
What a great thread....and how wonderful to know I'm not alone.... And such good ideas!

Yesterday was a horrible day for us.....dd was whinny all day! Literally....I finally figured out that she had a sore tummy...but at 19 months, she can't really tell me.....: ...I hate it when I get into the "loony tunes" mommy mode and then she turns out to have something wrong, not just being whinny cause she's tired or whatever....but what can you do??? :

Today looks better so far ...Definately agree with the cycles thing too! Being pg doesn't help the horomones either: ....
I did get a 4 hour break on Sunday though, and that was heaven!!! I love my dd, but the break was exactly what I needed!

It's definately difficult to put that perfect mommy image out of my mind, mostly because I am afraid of turning into more of a yeller like my mom was....but it's getting easier, thanks to all of you!

Take care all! And Thank you , Thank you , Thank you

Jen
post #32 of 89

ideas

My dh was out of town for 3 weeks not too long ago and I started to feel overwhelmed... Here are a couple of things that I did that helped me.

I went to the mall with dd in a stroller.
Generally we use the sling. I love to carry her in the sling.. but three weeks of being the only "carry-er" available and I'd had enough. I just needed some time to not hang on to her and have my own space. Dd was happy to look at all the interesting sights... I was able to get a drink without worrying that she'd grab it from me. It was heaven. By the time we got back home I felt renewed enough to handle things again.

Dd fell asleep in the car and I just drove around until she woke up. Once again... free time for my body. I got to experience the outside world on my terms for awhile. I think I even went through a drive through and ate while I drove.

Go outside.
This is a big one. Seems like lots of other mamas use it. Dd is MESMERIZED by the outdoors. Even if we just sit on the front porch. She likes to watch the cars go by.

I think one of the greatest lessons that I've learned by being a mama is acknowledging that I am not always the best equipped to handle a situation. If dd is crying and I'm exhausted I've learned to hand her to dh or whoever is available. For awhile I felt like THAT was failure... I was failing for NOT always being able to handle everything. Well, that's unreasonable. Sooo instead of catering to my ego, which likes to think that it can do everything.. and SHOULD do everything... I've started trying to make sure I do what's best for my dd. Like giving her to someone who will have more patience and asking for help when I need it. Moms need to learn to take care of themselves some too... it really benefits the whole family. Don't be too hard on yourself.
post #33 of 89
I am so there with you mamas! Dd#1 was not listening despite whatever I said and finally I said what do I have to do to get you to pay attention to me? She said I need to talk louder. Basically she was saying that she will ignore me until I scream which is what I am trying so hard not to do!

I have been known to lock myself in my room and tell the kids they HAVE to give me a few minutes to calm down so I can be a nice mommy again.

Hugs to you all!

Miriam
post #34 of 89
hmmm. its funny the way the world works. just today, oprah ran her show on mothering again (you know, the one that sparked all the controversy becuase it was moms saying that it's not always great to be a mom). i've only got one- 9 months- and i love it and hate it and dream about it and sit up at night wishing i could dream about it- i get frustrated too. we all do. and i think the thing that has made it the best for me was to be honest about the way that i was feeling. maybe not in the moment. maybe not even that day. but to my friends who are moms. to my mom. to other women who i know GET it. it helps to hear that it's okay and yes, eek- NORMAL- to feel angry, scared, resentful, terrified, happy, sad, and everything else. at night, when we're up again for the 3rd (or maybe 4th) time, and i find myself kicking off the covers and talking just loud enough so my partner will hear me and maybe get up this time, i take just one second and stop. i look at her beautiful face and realize that she is not crying to make me mad. she is not up again in an attempt to make me sooo exhausted i can not fuction in the day to come. she is a perfect little being- who is just as scared, angry and confused as i am. she just can't tell me about it. so i pick her up (again) and snuggle her until she falls asleep (again) and crawl back into bed (again) and pray that she doesn't wake until morning. the good thing is- they love you when you love them and when you don't. the good thing is- they trust you. the hard thing is- well, it's all hard. but i'm on the side that says for all the S*%#, it's worth it.
post #35 of 89
pahkahsmom- Wow- you summed it up for me and probably a lot of other moms. Your post was inspiring, I know I'm not alone!!

It's soooooooo hard!!

It's so worth it!!!
post #36 of 89
Thread Starter 
You ladies are just too great for words. All the advice and words of encouragement-Ahhhh...

Parenting is HARD friggin' work. Hard, Hard, Hard. Why isn't this stuff more generally discussed? Why do we feel that OL is one of the only places we can express it and yet if pressed, most moms will say they feel the EXACT same way?????

Not much time tonight. DS is getting top molars-which explains a lot of his behavior the past few days. I wish I could say that I was getting some teeth. Why can't WE have an excuse????
post #37 of 89
i think i just sent part of this message...

this discussion is a godsend! i am seeking refuge at this site as my 2.5 year old and my 4 year boys splash every ounce of water out of the tub. (no fears, the computer is within eyesite of the tub). it's everything i have not to just banish them to their room—without stories, without kisses, without a scrap of warmth.

because they are so close in age, my voice certainly escalates through the day. i fantasize about screaming "shut up" at them and having them actually do it. fat chance. i'll never do it and they probably wouldn't listen.

where do we put all of that anger? i mean, there's letting your kids see you for who you are (warts and all) and then there's being a b@%ch. sometimes i get so cross with them i am as sarcastic as any born and raised ny'er can be. again, how do you stop? how do you let a bit of your normal self slip out and then go back to being a good, nonviolent (verbally), nurturing mother? and of 2 under 5, SIMULTANEOUSLY.

if anyone out there can relate and has some war stories to share, i will certainly appreciate your efforts in posting them.
post #38 of 89
Thank you thank you thank you for making me feel so normal! I thought my older son and I were freaking out at each other because we don't have friends our own age close by. With dh's work schedule, my constant companion is a 4yo ... and WHY WON'T HE JUST GET DRESSED?! and when dh is home, he complains that the little one is more demanding than our first ever was ... like he would know?
So how do I cope? Coffee, chocolate, and sex when I can get it.

more coffee when I can't
post #39 of 89
You guys are so great! I can get really down on myself sometimes and it helps to know I'm not alone in my frustration. Yesterday when dh got home I said, "I was such a good girl today, I didn't hit anybody and I only yelled one time!"
post #40 of 89
Quote:
I said, "I was such a good girl today, I didn't hit anybody and I only yelled one time!"
Definately had those days....in fact dh usually get met with a "we had a good day" or a "it's been a crappy day daddy" :

When I am sooo angry I need to let it out...I use to escape to the laundry room and throw my clothes into the washer and dryer all the while chanting "she's only ___ months old", "she's only ___ months old"...repeat it with me now Now dd can do the stairs, so that's not much of an escape.

I also will sometimes leave the room, go to the other end of the house, bury my head in the pillow and scream....usually I end up with dd on my back trying to tickle me...so it works....but it's scary to get to that point....atleast I know I'm not alone and I'm "normal"

Jen
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